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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - MIL and newborn baby

213 replies

LaraLou99 · 04/10/2021 19:52

First time poster! Looking for some opinions please that I am not being a totally controlling mama bear and unfair on my MIL.

Background: MIL and I have always got along well, partner and I have been together for going on 8 years and our DD is now 11 weeks old. During pregnancy, an incident happened in which we asked DH's parents not to do something (twice), and they went ahead and did it without consulting us. This was a few weeks before I gave birth and it kept me up at night, that I later realised was because I was worried about them overstepping boundaries with our future baby in the same way.

After the birth they stayed locally and were there when we came home. They cooked and were very respectful of not overstaying. That said, MIL did tell me I had to finish my dinner before giving me my crying baby back and said twice that we should go have a sleep for four hours so she could look after DD or take her for a walk. This made me really uncomfortable as DD was only two days old at the time.

Last week they came to stay with us for 2.5 days and in my eyes it was a car crash. I did not hold the baby from when they arrived at 2pm-9.30pm apart from 2 feedings. When DH went to take baby off his mum, she went all frazzled and held onto DD saying 'we're here to help you', to which he replied 'mum just let me hold my baby' and physically took DD off MIL. This same day, we went to a cafe and DD started crying as she was ready for a feed, but it was getting dark and we were ready to leave. I asked DH to carry her home with a finger in her mouth (normally keeps her going), but MIL grabbed her out of DHs hands, put her in the buggy and ran off towards home with her. I then had to run after her and DD was besides herself when she got home.

The second day we went to the cafe she walked the pram there, had DD facing her the whole time (so I couldn't see her), so when she ran to the shop before we left I faced DD to me and intended to walk the pram home. Whilst I was standing up she grabbed the pram and ran off again. Then when we got home she sat in the living room with DD, and I sat next to her expecting her to pass DD over as she'd said she was going to make lunch. Instead she immediately stands up and says 'come watch Grandma make lunch' and takes DD out the room with her.

MIL also would not give DD back when she was getting upset. Insisting on soothing her with singing, which would calm DD intermittently, but then she became increasingly more distraught and I was eventually handed back a baby in a terrible state. I tend to just give DD the boob straight away so we rarely have any tears.

This alongside the following comments over the weekend:
-Constantly referring to her as 'my baby', to the point PIL said to MIL 'Where's YOUR baby' when I was holding DD! MIL then laughed and said 'Haha he thinks she's MY baby'.
-PIL: "I think we need to come up with a lease agreement for her (referring to DD)'
-'PIL to me: 'Watch out she (MIL) is running away with your baby'
-MIL holding DD: 'I always wanted a girl'. Insinuating she now had one... and moaning that PIL wouldn't let her have more than one baby.

She also text me before they came saying me and DH should go out for dinner to get some time to ourselves. I ignored this.

It feels like there's an underlying want to create physical distance between me and DD. They don't see DD often so I was trying to be generous giving them plenty of time to hold her, but it feels like a 'give them an inch and they'll take a mile' type scenario. I honestly feel physically sick at how terrible I felt because I just had no time to hold my own baby, and when I tried to assert myself she physically took her away from me. I had about four hour sleep over the two nights they were here, and just stayed up holding DD for some connection.

I know I need to lay down the law, it's just hard when you've previously had a good relationship.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
TheGlitterFairy · 05/10/2021 20:45

I should say that DH seems to be coming round to the fact this isn’t normal behaviour - particularly as my parents actually respect us and don’t behave in this ridiculous manner

mrssunshinexxx · 05/10/2021 20:56

@LegoCaltrops good to hear your dh is onboard thats the biggest hurdle I think Aslong as you are on the same team . I haven't quite got my husband there sadly

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/10/2021 23:05

phoenixrosehere

YABU. You'll give your right arm for someone to hold your baby whilst you finish your meal in the future. In the nicest possible way, get over yourself. I hope you are not treated with as much distain when you're a grandparent.“

Rubbish. If MIL carries on like this, OP won’t want her involved at all.
There is nothing disdainful about her response: MIL’s behaviour is showing nothing but disdain for her daughter in law.
I’m a relatively recent (maternal) grandmother and it wouldn’t enter my head to behave so unreasonably.

Original poster
LaraLou99 · 05/10/2021 23:50

UPDATE: So DH agreed to speak to MIL. He was very calm and asked if next time she could try not to take over as much. He laid out two boundaries we'd previously agreed 1. To give the baby back when she cries and 2. No more comments about taking the baby away from either parent. She was not happy with this conversation at all and very defensive, saying that she 'found it very strange that we felt this way' and 'I am just doing what normal Grandma's do'. DH then had to go on a work call and said he'd ring back later. When he rung back she was too upset to pick up the phone so FIL answered. DH apologised for upsetting his mum but tried to explain our position, and was met with total hostility. I then took the phone and tried to smooth the situation over, saying that perhaps recent events (DD was in hospital four days prior and frankly I thought she'd died - but was fine in the end), had played a part in our feelings and we were only raising it because we want both PIL to have a good relationship with DD. FIL responded with 'on a scale of 0 to 100, 100 being completely traumatised, you are obviously at 100 because we did absolutely nothing wrong'. I was so stunned DH had to take the phone. There was not an ounce of compassion in his voice.

We're meant to be seeing them this week.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 05/10/2021 23:56

Don’t see them this week.

They haven’t listened and you need to show you are serious.

At the very most of you do see them it needs to be both of you, in a set location and you have to be prepared to leave/tell them to leave if they ignore your boundaries.

FortunesFave · 06/10/2021 00:02

Why are you and DH being so careful around them and making excuses for them?

You don't have to.

Cancel this week.

Let them see you mean business.

AutumnInBustletown · 06/10/2021 00:05

Sounds like she has gone baby crazy and you/ DH need to set firm boundaries.

It's a positive that FIL is calling her out on some of her behaviour. In DH family no one dared question MILs authority, in hindsight it was a red flag that she was a narcissist.

Sh05 · 06/10/2021 00:25

Don't see them this weekend. They need some time to realize that you are serious.
If he must then let your dh see them alone, away from your home.

worriedatthemoment · 06/10/2021 00:28

Some of it overstepping but some things like buggy facing her as she walked i don't see the problem , why do you need it facing yoU - how will you see baby anyway as if in front etc
Your fil comments sound just jokey
You just need your dh to set boundaries of how its lovely they want to help but she needs to take a step back and respect you and your decisions or else she won't get to spend much time with dgd at all

worriedatthemoment · 06/10/2021 00:33

Personally though ai had no issues with my mum or mil taking my babies out for a 30 min walk etc on their own even in first few weeks as they managed with myself and dh as got us to adulthood
So it depends on how you are
Lots of people make comments about keeping baby etc just jokingly

NoSquirrels · 06/10/2021 00:43

Cancel the visit. Wait for them to contact you. Reiterate that your feelings are valid and your decisions as parents are not to be undermined.

Your DH can repeat it slowly if necessary “We’re just asking you give our baby back to her parents when she cries, or if we ask you to. That’s all.”

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 06/10/2021 00:47

Don’t see them this week.

Sometimes children need time outs, and sometimes adults do too. Your MIL was completely over your boundaries, she doesn’t want to keep to the very small and, to be honest, pretty weak concessions DH asked her for, so she’s trying to emotionally blackmail you. So you got on the phone and tried to patch things over?

No. Don’t do that. If you freeze when stressed, just freeze them out completely. Don’t pick up the phone. Don’t respond to messages. Don’t answer the door. Nothing. Your DH just asked for the most simple, basic boundaries to protect and keep your baby happy, and she couldn’t even do that. So support him, and baby, and don’t talk to her or FIL.

You’re a mum now. Maybe it will take you a little while to find your mum voice. It’s okay. But if freezing is your problem, then use it for now until your voice arrives.

But I recommend finding your voice soon, because if someone walks away from you with a pram containing your baby, you need to be able to make some serious noise. And right now, that someone was your MIL. Right now, she’s over the top. But if she thinks she’s doing nothing wrong, it can and will get worse unless you do something.

HeyDugeesCakeBadge · 06/10/2021 01:08

My MIL was like this, absolutely infuriating and ruined my first year as a mum. They do settle down eventually, some GPs just can't get their heads around what their role is and that they can't just run off with your baby. Put in firm boundaries and say no an awful lot, I went LC when it got too much and she soon stopped.

goldenrachita · 06/10/2021 01:13

This made me feel tearful for you. It's not fair and it lacks empathy for the state of new motherhood. I had a relative do this to me and it's a horrible powerless feeling. Your MIL has some big issues.

If it helps, she might not get worse over time. This might be all a big elaborate show to prove how amazing she is with babies despite "only" having one of her own. It's difficult having your DH as the enforcer as that might well feed into her issues about needing to show she is the perfect mother figure who did everything right with her own son. You do need to find your mum voice but I feel your anger at being forced into a confrontation you don't want.

LovePoppy · 06/10/2021 01:27

@LaraLou99

UPDATE: So DH agreed to speak to MIL. He was very calm and asked if next time she could try not to take over as much. He laid out two boundaries we'd previously agreed 1. To give the baby back when she cries and 2. No more comments about taking the baby away from either parent. She was not happy with this conversation at all and very defensive, saying that she 'found it very strange that we felt this way' and 'I am just doing what normal Grandma's do'. DH then had to go on a work call and said he'd ring back later. When he rung back she was too upset to pick up the phone so FIL answered. DH apologised for upsetting his mum but tried to explain our position, and was met with total hostility. I then took the phone and tried to smooth the situation over, saying that perhaps recent events (DD was in hospital four days prior and frankly I thought she'd died - but was fine in the end), had played a part in our feelings and we were only raising it because we want both PIL to have a good relationship with DD. FIL responded with 'on a scale of 0 to 100, 100 being completely traumatised, you are obviously at 100 because we did absolutely nothing wrong'. I was so stunned DH had to take the phone. There was not an ounce of compassion in his voice.

We're meant to be seeing them this week.

Cancel
QueenBee52 · 06/10/2021 02:58

well that's that sorted...

bye bye MIL & FIL 🤣

LaBellina · 06/10/2021 03:02

Cancel. They’re nuts and have no sense of normal boundaries- any normal person would have felt mortified but not these cheeky fuckers. I wouldn’t see them again until they apologize and promise to respect some very basic boundaries.

Crumble012 · 06/10/2021 03:16

They’re completely out of order. Don’t see them this week, they need to learn that you and your husband are the ones calling the shots here when it comes to how they treat your baby and you. Their role as grandparents isn’t to steam roll over you in their desire to have x y z relationship with your baby. It is to support you to be the parent that you want to be. So not grabbing the baby at every opportunity, but asking you if you need a drink, food, putting the dishwasher on, etc. Praising you for being good parents etc and being there to offer advice when you ask them for it. When you and your husband and baby are ready, then it’s for you to invite them to have more of a relationship with the baby.

SinoohXaenaHide · 06/10/2021 03:55

They have both lost all grip on reasonable behaviour, unfortunately. Given that they aren't even able to see how hurtful their behaviour has been, it's impossible for them to spend any further time with you or their grandchild. When they manage to work out how to respect boundaries, they can have another chance. Not before.

MsDogLady · 06/10/2021 04:04

This is unacceptable. Your controlling and overbearing MIL felt entitled to ride roughshod over your boundaries for your baby. Her behavior during the visit from hell and their hostility afterward is appalling.

Please cancel. They need to experience some effective consequences.

Your H needs to continue being proactive by backing you up and calling her out when she starts her dominating behavior.

When you feel frozen, try to take some deep breaths to calm your body and then proceed with what you want to say to protect your baby or assert yourself.

And next time, stop yourself from getting on the phone to explain yourself and smooth things over after MIL has been abusive. You don’t want to weaken your position of strength.

ouchmyfeet · 06/10/2021 04:38

@Nogardenersworld

Everyone is saying Be strict Be firm Read her the riot act basically

But in real life, when everyone else in the room is happy and cheery and doesn’t think something is a big deal
It’s very odd (and unusual in my experience?) for one person to just start yelling and telling everyone what’s what, kicking people out, and for that person to come out of it well and be listened to.

I say this as someone with a similar MIL…

Op I don’t know, ive just completely restricted MILs opportunities to push the boundaries but it’s only helped about 10%

This really resonated with me. I have a similar MIL and also struggled with asserting myself when my babies were little, although less so with the second one.

I managed it by just limiting the amount of time we spend with my PILs. They are an over bearing nightmare and because of their behaviour they are now only allowed to see their grandkids 2-3 times per year. They live 300 miles away which helps, but honestly they used to invite themselves to stay with us about monthly and it was too much.

It sounds like your DH is on board which is great, let him deal with them. When mine saw the impact his parents visiting had on me he had no hesitation in telling them they couldn't come as often as they wanted to. Don't worry about facilitating a relationship between your baby and their grandparents, the only person your baby really needs at the moment is you. If they can't respect that then there are consequences.

I once heard my FIL telling my toddler that soon he would be coming to stay with PILs for a week to give mummy and daddy a break. He's 12 now and has never been to stay with them without us!

PennyWus · 06/10/2021 05:39

Yanbu. Sorry she is being like that. You absolutely must assert yourself. Let your inner mama bear growl a bit, you are being far too polite tolerating all this!

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 06/10/2021 05:46

Stop trying to smooth things over, explain or pacify them. Just say you are the parents, you want PIL to have a relationship with your child but if they refuse to hand back the baby, run away with the pram or don't respect you are the parents then a relationship will not be possible
You need to ignore tears and tantrums

whatsmyusername · 06/10/2021 07:58

@WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld

Stop trying to smooth things over, explain or pacify them. Just say you are the parents, you want PIL to have a relationship with your child but if they refuse to hand back the baby, run away with the pram or don't respect you are the parents then a relationship will not be possible You need to ignore tears and tantrums
This OP is what you need to do.

Please remeber as well as baby gets a little older in a couple of months your baby will start to choose who they want to go to and that is 99% of the time the Mom or Dad. You may be the only one who is able to settle your little one and so things will naturally fall into place. MIL probably wants to be helpful too, maybe get some little jobs she can do when she comes over should she ask, folding washing, anything to keep her busy and she will feel like she is being useful helping out too.

FeedMeSantiago · 06/10/2021 07:58

I'd also cancel seeing them this week after they refused to listen to you both.