AIBU - MIL and newborn baby

[LaraLou99]

First time poster! Looking for some opinions please that I am not being a totally controlling mama bear and unfair on my MIL.

Background: MIL and I have always got along well, partner and I have been together for going on 8 years and our DD is now 11 weeks old. During pregnancy, an incident happened in which we asked DH's parents not to do something (twice), and they went ahead and did it without consulting us. This was a few weeks before I gave birth and it kept me up at night, that I later realised was because I was worried about them overstepping boundaries with our future baby in the same way.

After the birth they stayed locally and were there when we came home. They cooked and were very respectful of not overstaying. That said, MIL did tell me I had to finish my dinner before giving me my crying baby back and said twice that we should go have a sleep for four hours so she could look after DD or take her for a walk. This made me really uncomfortable as DD was only two days old at the time.

Last week they came to stay with us for 2.5 days and in my eyes it was a car crash. I did not hold the baby from when they arrived at 2pm-9.30pm apart from 2 feedings. When DH went to take baby off his mum, she went all frazzled and held onto DD saying 'we're here to help you', to which he replied 'mum just let me hold my baby' and physically took DD off MIL. This same day, we went to a cafe and DD started crying as she was ready for a feed, but it was getting dark and we were ready to leave. I asked DH to carry her home with a finger in her mouth (normally keeps her going), but MIL grabbed her out of DHs hands, put her in the buggy and ran off towards home with her. I then had to run after her and DD was besides herself when she got home.

The second day we went to the cafe she walked the pram there, had DD facing her the whole time (so I couldn't see her), so when she ran to the shop before we left I faced DD to me and intended to walk the pram home. Whilst I was standing up she grabbed the pram and ran off again. Then when we got home she sat in the living room with DD, and I sat next to her expecting her to pass DD over as she'd said she was going to make lunch. Instead she immediately stands up and says 'come watch Grandma make lunch' and takes DD out the room with her.

MIL also would not give DD back when she was getting upset. Insisting on soothing her with singing, which would calm DD intermittently, but then she became increasingly more distraught and I was eventually handed back a baby in a terrible state. I tend to just give DD the boob straight away so we rarely have any tears.

This alongside the following comments over the weekend:
-Constantly referring to her as 'my baby', to the point PIL said to MIL 'Where's YOUR baby' when I was holding DD! MIL then laughed and said 'Haha he thinks she's MY baby'.
-PIL: "I think we need to come up with a lease agreement for her (referring to DD)'
-'PIL to me: 'Watch out she (MIL) is running away with your baby'
-MIL holding DD: 'I always wanted a girl'. Insinuating she now had one... and moaning that PIL wouldn't let her have more than one baby.

She also text me before they came saying me and DH should go out for dinner to get some time to ourselves. I ignored this.

It feels like there's an underlying want to create physical distance between me and DD. They don't see DD often so I was trying to be generous giving them plenty of time to hold her, but it feels like a 'give them an inch and they'll take a mile' type scenario. I honestly feel physically sick at how terrible I felt because I just had no time to hold my own baby, and when I tried to assert myself she physically took her away from me. I had about four hour sleep over the two nights they were here, and just stayed up holding DD for some connection.

I know I need to lay down the law, it's just hard when you've previously had a good relationship.

Thoughts?

My in-laws were exactly the same. They no doubt think that they are helping, whilst also wanting to selfishly hog your baby. And your hormones are deliberately telling you to keep your baby close to you. It does get easier as they get older (babies and not your in-laws) as when they are toddlers you don't mind them spending a little bit if time with close relatives. And by which time relatives have figured out how hard toddlers are and therefore don't want to hog them nearly as much. But right now, you need your baby close and your baby needs you. You just have to be a bit more insistent and take your baby off them.

Oh fuck no!
You can ask for and hold your baby for any reason even if it’s just you need to hold them. You ask and they immediately return, anyone not gets kicked out the house.
Your baby, your bonding, you push the pram. Get DH inside, they do not do this again and fuck them if you’ve had a good relationship and it goes sideways after this.

@Brollywasntneededafterall

As much as I hate them get a sling... Make it very clear where your baby is staying put...

This. Although I loved my sling.

I had Just got my son to sleep in the sling after a very hellish day and MIL came round. I didn’t get him out as he was finally asleep.
She later text my husband and I quote ‘Thor never let me cuddle BabyThor, it’s incredibly selfish and cruel to keep a grandchild from their grandmother for her own sick purposes. Next time I hope she’s not around as I deserve time alone with BabyThor without Thor sticking her nose in’

To this day, I like to tell her to get a fucking grip because they’re MY children and I decide. Basically. 😂

Stay firm to the point of being rude if you need to. It’s YOUR baby and not your MIL. I also had this issue with my MIL and I was very firm with holding my daughter as she felt the need to hold her whenever she cried (um, why? It’s my baby not yours!) to the point she actually sat and sulked in a corner behaving like a child and complaining she couldn’t hold the baby (she had held her plenty of times but not ALL the time like she wanted). My DH was useless at standing up for me so I had to take matters into my own hands. If your husband can’t have a word with his mum make sure you say it’s important baby is with MUM and not passed around like a parcel. I would also invest in a sling, people will leave baby alone if she is in a sling on you. Good luck, I don’t know why people go a bit nuts when you have a baby but I found when my daughter turned into a toddler the novelty wore off and people left us alone more.

Good grief but that’s batshit! For some women, grandchildren seem to provoke some sort of abreaction whereby they act out any unresolved issues they have from their own experiences of parenthood (and lose all contact with reality). I think as pp suggest, being firm with boundaries and consistent with boundaries.

Don't let them into your house. Simple.
YANBU

Oh god my MIL was like this! She ran off with him constantly and even had her own name for him! Like wtf lady. His name is David not Dillon (not the names but it was along those lines iykwim).

Be firm, put your foot down and don’t be afraid of putting her in her place. You need to set boundaries now otherwise she will carry on.

I can’t help but feel youre exaggerating a bit, because I truly can’t imagine anyone snatching my baby and running away and me not chasing after them? Of course you’re entitled to have your baby whenever you want her. I would be interested to hear mother in laws version of this.

My MIL is nuts and I've had to be rude to her to get a point across cause she has the hide of a rhinoceros and subtle doesn't work. Stand your ground and tell your husband if necessary you'll be blunt and rude

@ThorsLeftNut what the ffff !! What did your husband reply with ? Surprised you had any contact with her after that

@Summersun2020 You haven't met my MIL from hell because if you did you'd understand. She's said and done so much shit over the past 28 years I could write a book

@EKGEMS I’m not disputing that some people are nuts, but she actually RAN away with the pram on more than one occasion and the op did nothing? Hmm not sure I believe that.

Thank you so much for all the posts, really helps affirm my position.

@EKGEMS and @Summersun2020 I ran after her both times. She only got about 150m ahead as I was sorting out dog leads and then I power walked next to her the rest of the way home. I dont think Ive exaggerated any of it but Im sure MIL has a different perspective.

@Jmaxx44 and @Aria2015 it feels exactly the same as your situations. Aria I honestly feel like if I died his mum would be secretly a bit happy about it. At times I felt like an imposter in my own home, she only wanted to pass baby to FIL as if they were the parents again.

@SinoohXaenaHide very interesting perspective thanks for sharing

@Summersun2020

I can’t help but feel youre exaggerating a bit, because I truly can’t imagine anyone snatching my baby and running away and me not chasing after them? Of course you’re entitled to have your baby whenever you want her. I would be interested to hear mother in laws version of this.

OP did run after her MIL.

I totally sympathise. Whilst your situations sounds much more extreme, my own parents did a bit of this too. Wanted to claim responsibility for everything DD did or learned. They would constantly say things to me like 'she does this now' as if I don't know my own daughter. They'd buy loads of stuff for her to 'keep in our house'. And a few months after baby was born i discovered that my mum had rearranged all the clothes in the nursery. To 'help' me, despite me specifically asking her not to. I had my mum constantly saying things like 'will she not be cold/hot/hungry' ?etc. My Dad even told me one day he was up during the night worrying the baby would have cold feet (as if we, the parents, wouldn't know to wrap our baby up in several layers in mid February) Sadly, my relationship with my mum never recovered & just became more toxic. I hope for a different outcome for you. But I'd keep them at arms length until they get the message

I literally take DS out of people's arms. Doesn't matter how close they're cuddling him, I'm digging in and getting him. He's mine, he wants me.

My mum argues with me about DS crying, that I shouldn't be holding him or whatever, I have very sternly told her "but I don't like it." When she'd told you you weren't allowed her I'd have just ignored her actually, acted like she hadn't said anything and just taken my baby. You don't need her permission.

If she runs off with the pushchair, physically stop it and take your baby out and carry her.

"She needs her mum." Repeat repeat repeat. She is not her mum.

Can I be honest Op a lot of this sounds like just over excitement.

The holding the baby and not giving back so often comes from a misguided place if help. Remember that when they had babies it may have been considered normal for family members to take the baby for long stretches so mum can sleep. I think trying to get yoi to go fir a sleep is kind though yes at that stage you wouldn't be keen.

The pram thing is annoying .

I have seen ib my own family some very very similar over stepping and failure to remember that brand new parents just want to hold their own babies.

They have forgotten that feeling and are just consumed with being good grandparents

I felt upset reading your post, OP. I remember that feeling of not holding my baby - it’s gut-wrenching. We have that feeling for a reason: young babies are supposed to be with their mothers.

Your MIL’s behaviour was disgusting and your FIL’s ‘jokes’ about her running away weren’t funny at all. I think you should put some distance between you and the PILs and get your DH to explain why.

When you feel ready to spend time with them again, make it clear that it’s a trial period and if MIL starts doing this again, then the visit stops immediately No second chance, no discussion. I’d also keep any later visits extremely short. Don’t let them stay in your house. They can stay in a B&B and visit from there.

She’s done this to herself by her selfish, cruel actions - cruel to you, yes, but also cruel to your baby.

Op the thoughts about thinking she is pushing you put of the way are just new mum hormones. I always got in with my mil but had similar rage filled thoughts. I now look back and comments like..why don't you finish your lunch while I hold the baby...and my baby was crying. I found it intensely stressful and shouted at her I just want my baby!

Now I understand that she just wanted me to eat my meal and as an outsider she knew the baby would be fine fir a few minutes . Also she had just forgotten how insanely stressful a babies crying is to the mum

One day you will be a granny and will want to help your son or daughter by holding baby while they have lunch or nap. And you will be far too over excited and they will rage at yoi !

And none of our parents are actually parents from hell. It's like they were the default parents for so long they can't step out of that. There's a baby, it must be theirs. They're the parent, they know the most about parenting.

My dad is not like that at all though, he had no confidence at all with DS when he was born so he has really stepped under me and followed my lead, so I trust him with DS. Whereas my mum was very confident and has felt like she's placed herself as my equal or even superior so I don't trust her.

I think it would be sad to let this spoil a precious time. If she is normally nice then just be very clear saying things like Please don't hold him when he is crying it upsets me

@LaraLou99 Why on EARTHHHHH didn't you say something after she began running away with your newborn??????? WTAF

Some people truly astound me

@FrozenoutofCostco my stress response is to freeze, I lose my words. I really don't like it about myself but it's learnt behaviour I'm trying to undo

@Cuddlyrottweiler I know what you mean about your mum and dad. As soon as any visitor gives DD back to me when she's upset, I instantly feel like I can trust them

I can totally sympathize. About the dying thing, 4 months old DS was breastfed and he would fall asleep while breastfeeding so I explained to MIL that she couldn't put him to bed for his nap as he needed me. Straight away she replied with: "but what would he do if you were dead?".
I was a bit shocked and didn't reply anything, it was not worth the drama. She is overbearing and unkind in a lot of other aspects too so not just related to babies.

I have found my people. I always think I'm mad when id rather MIL just looked at my baby from afar rather than hold him hahaha! They probably will think you're mad but that's fine, blame it on hormones and a clingy baby. Once your baby is a bit older, you will probably relax a bit. When my PILs came when my baby was a week old, I could barely get off the sofa after my csection, constantly had at least 1 boob out, sometimes 2, smelled of off milk and cried over everything. MIL got 1 cuddle the first day and then she kidnly told me she had a bloody coldsore in her nose so she never got him again. My precious angel!!!! Now he's a little older, I might be a bit more relaxed but not much. She still can't take him out alone until he's at least 12 years months ..