AIBU - MIL and newborn baby

[LaraLou99]

First time poster! Looking for some opinions please that I am not being a totally controlling mama bear and unfair on my MIL.

Background: MIL and I have always got along well, partner and I have been together for going on 8 years and our DD is now 11 weeks old. During pregnancy, an incident happened in which we asked DH's parents not to do something (twice), and they went ahead and did it without consulting us. This was a few weeks before I gave birth and it kept me up at night, that I later realised was because I was worried about them overstepping boundaries with our future baby in the same way.

After the birth they stayed locally and were there when we came home. They cooked and were very respectful of not overstaying. That said, MIL did tell me I had to finish my dinner before giving me my crying baby back and said twice that we should go have a sleep for four hours so she could look after DD or take her for a walk. This made me really uncomfortable as DD was only two days old at the time.

Last week they came to stay with us for 2.5 days and in my eyes it was a car crash. I did not hold the baby from when they arrived at 2pm-9.30pm apart from 2 feedings. When DH went to take baby off his mum, she went all frazzled and held onto DD saying 'we're here to help you', to which he replied 'mum just let me hold my baby' and physically took DD off MIL. This same day, we went to a cafe and DD started crying as she was ready for a feed, but it was getting dark and we were ready to leave. I asked DH to carry her home with a finger in her mouth (normally keeps her going), but MIL grabbed her out of DHs hands, put her in the buggy and ran off towards home with her. I then had to run after her and DD was besides herself when she got home.

The second day we went to the cafe she walked the pram there, had DD facing her the whole time (so I couldn't see her), so when she ran to the shop before we left I faced DD to me and intended to walk the pram home. Whilst I was standing up she grabbed the pram and ran off again. Then when we got home she sat in the living room with DD, and I sat next to her expecting her to pass DD over as she'd said she was going to make lunch. Instead she immediately stands up and says 'come watch Grandma make lunch' and takes DD out the room with her.

MIL also would not give DD back when she was getting upset. Insisting on soothing her with singing, which would calm DD intermittently, but then she became increasingly more distraught and I was eventually handed back a baby in a terrible state. I tend to just give DD the boob straight away so we rarely have any tears.

This alongside the following comments over the weekend:
-Constantly referring to her as 'my baby', to the point PIL said to MIL 'Where's YOUR baby' when I was holding DD! MIL then laughed and said 'Haha he thinks she's MY baby'.
-PIL: "I think we need to come up with a lease agreement for her (referring to DD)'
-'PIL to me: 'Watch out she (MIL) is running away with your baby'
-MIL holding DD: 'I always wanted a girl'. Insinuating she now had one... and moaning that PIL wouldn't let her have more than one baby.

She also text me before they came saying me and DH should go out for dinner to get some time to ourselves. I ignored this.

It feels like there's an underlying want to create physical distance between me and DD. They don't see DD often so I was trying to be generous giving them plenty of time to hold her, but it feels like a 'give them an inch and they'll take a mile' type scenario. I honestly feel physically sick at how terrible I felt because I just had no time to hold my own baby, and when I tried to assert myself she physically took her away from me. I had about four hour sleep over the two nights they were here, and just stayed up holding DD for some connection.

I know I need to lay down the law, it's just hard when you've previously had a good relationship.

Thoughts?

@JustLyra

The whole grandchildren/grandparents relationship is very overrated.

I think the opposite. It’s a massively underrated relationship.

Obviously MiL’s like the Op’s are not good grandparents. However good grandparents are a massive benefit to a child, and to their parents.

I completely agree. My life and my son’s would have been far poorer without the band we had with our grannies.

When you can't have the second child that your arms are yearning for, either because of miscarriage or because of the person you are in a relationship with not wanting the same, it is easy to fall inti tge trap of getting fixated on the idea that eventually there will be grandchildren who will heal that aching longing. If that idea is allowed to take root and grow for decades, then you son's girlfriend/bride is merely a conduit towards that fantasy being fulfilled - and of course you had a lovely relationship before you got pg. In her fantasy, you find motherhood exhausting and overwhelming and are joyfully delighted to share the burden with her. You aren't following the script she has been dreaming fir the last 30+ years so things are going to get very sour, very quickly.

Ooof. That may well explain MILs sudden change... she mentioned a few years ago that she wanted another child, but they couldn't concieve. DH's Dad has two more kids with a previous wife; and I don't think he had the same urge... MIL had bad bulimia and they were older, and so they just wrote it off.

They got funny as soon as we got engaged and kept quizzing us on when we'd have kids; and that we were making them wait too long and they were missing out...

To be honest, though, if it's this - I don't see how I'll ever win. I grew up in care, I'm quite independent. We don't need childcare; but if we did, they've already been clear that they wouldn't change nappies etc, and I don't think they're generally well enough anyway. Neither is a very good driver now...

It sort-of feels like it's destined to go horrendously, because MIL can't see it as anything but her second baby, and me as anything but someone that's in the way.

I know how your feeling totally and I'm sorry your going through this. Please please be assertive without being rude.

I was young when I had my first born. I had no assertiveness AT ALL and I look back with such sadness. I wish I could have those days back, My mother in law was horrendous covered up as being helpful. She bought formula before baby was born, was there when I got home with loads of family ready to pass the baby around, she stayed over and took over. Then took my 2 day old baby overnight, amongst over things. I had no control whatsoever. I didn't let her do it with my other children but I wish I could have those special days back that she stole. She would also ply games like who will baby come to? And relish when my baby chose her (as baby got older obviously)

As others have suggested, a sling sounds like a fantastic idea.

@IcedCoffeeAlways That makes sense.

@LaraLou99

UPDATE: So DH agreed to speak to MIL. He was very calm and asked if next time she could try not to take over as much. He laid out two boundaries we'd previously agreed 1. To give the baby back when she cries and 2. No more comments about taking the baby away from either parent. She was not happy with this conversation at all and very defensive, saying that she 'found it very strange that we felt this way' and 'I am just doing what normal Grandma's do'. DH then had to go on a work call and said he'd ring back later. When he rung back she was too upset to pick up the phone so FIL answered. DH apologised for upsetting his mum but tried to explain our position, and was met with total hostility. I then took the phone and tried to smooth the situation over, saying that perhaps recent events (DD was in hospital four days prior and frankly I thought she'd died - but was fine in the end), had played a part in our feelings and we were only raising it because we want both PIL to have a good relationship with DD. FIL responded with 'on a scale of 0 to 100, 100 being completely traumatised, you are obviously at 100 because we did absolutely nothing wrong'. I was so stunned DH had to take the phone. There was not an ounce of compassion in his voice.

We're meant to be seeing them this week.

I think you need some space.

Don’t see them yet.

I’d wait until they accept your boundaries. Stop apologising, you’re the parents, you set the rules.

Just repeat we are raising this because we want you to have a good relationship with our children. If it doesn’t work for you this way that’s ok, but obviously we can’t see you as much / you can’t hold the baby because you can’t be trusted to do what the baby needs. I’m really sorry you feel the way you do.
And put it back on them, they’re obviously happy to put it on you. MIL would be exactly the same, this whole thread makes me feel sick so you have my sympathies, but please don’t back down now. You can be nice and polite without letting them do what they want
They are completely gaslighting you

OP, are you OK?

Sorry late to reply to this but just to follow up:

Thanks everyone so much for your messages. So we ended up cancelling as advised and I think that did the job. A few days later I received a call from MIL apologising, saying she'd got the wrong end of the stick, as she thought we would welcome a break from DD as she struggled as a new mum. Part of me thinks she knew exactly what she was doing, but it was a sincere apology and I think us cancelling scared her a bit. We will see what happens with the next visit but DH thinks she will be on her total best behaviour. I'm still scarred by it frankly, it's very hard to disassociate her with the feeling of her keeping my baby away from me, and I think FIL was so thoughtless with his comment about DD in hospital. So we will see...

@Brollywasntneededafterall

As much as I hate them get a sling... Make it very clear where your baby is staying put...

This is a really fantastic idea which I'll be taking to use in my own similar situation, thank you!

@Thefaceofboe

I could have wrote this exact post after the in laws visited this week, DD is 2 weeks old today. The ‘my baby’ thing made me so angry.

Same here. I find it really uncomfortable and controlling

@Grapewrath

My mil was like this and when I made it clear she wasn’t taking tiny dd for the day or being in full control she huffed and didn’t want to see her as there was ‘no point’. It was creepy as fuck her and fil trying to play house with my kid. Really strange. She also kept saying they didn’t have a dd together so as follows had Dds with his previous wife, it was obviously a big thing for mil Anyway after I said no to her basically stepping in and taking the baby she lost complete interest and didn’t bother. Mils can be strange

This is exactly where I am now. Refused to leave my newborn with MiL on her own (she didn't know how much formula he takes, hands him back to me to be changed and keeps calling him 'my baby') and she has not been in touch for the last 2 weeks. don't know if the novelty has worn off or if she isn't interested as she can't have him on her own. Honestly find the whole thing inappropriate. Prior to this I have had to start visiting at her house so I can choose when to leave after she stayed at my house for 8 HOURS one day when baby was just 4 weeks old

I could have written your post, except mine would stay for 4-5 days at a time every 3 to 4 weeks when my first was born 4 years ago. Well done for starting to lay boundaries, I didn't have the confidence to for 2.5 years and I'm very resentful of that time & everything she did. Stay strong & don't let them pull that crap, it is truly awful. When my second was born I only ever used a sling around her to prevent her running away with the pram, she hated it. She hates all my boundaries to be fair but she is exactly the same as yours and expected to be push me aside and play mummy (nobody ever says no to my mil.... until I started to 18 months ago ♀️) It's going down like a shit sandwich but they have been so awful to me I'm beyond caring about their feelings. Make sure you put your feelings ahead of hers.

My ex-mil was the same, down to the 'my baby' thing and wrestling the pram off me, it really upset me at the time and it is utterly over stepping the mark. Your Dh needs to put her straight, it probably won't be pretty but you need to set boundaries now as in my experience the more you let slide the more they take.
Thankfully I don't have to deal with her anymore!