AIBU - MIL and newborn baby

[LaraLou99]

First time poster! Looking for some opinions please that I am not being a totally controlling mama bear and unfair on my MIL.

Background: MIL and I have always got along well, partner and I have been together for going on 8 years and our DD is now 11 weeks old. During pregnancy, an incident happened in which we asked DH's parents not to do something (twice), and they went ahead and did it without consulting us. This was a few weeks before I gave birth and it kept me up at night, that I later realised was because I was worried about them overstepping boundaries with our future baby in the same way.

After the birth they stayed locally and were there when we came home. They cooked and were very respectful of not overstaying. That said, MIL did tell me I had to finish my dinner before giving me my crying baby back and said twice that we should go have a sleep for four hours so she could look after DD or take her for a walk. This made me really uncomfortable as DD was only two days old at the time.

Last week they came to stay with us for 2.5 days and in my eyes it was a car crash. I did not hold the baby from when they arrived at 2pm-9.30pm apart from 2 feedings. When DH went to take baby off his mum, she went all frazzled and held onto DD saying 'we're here to help you', to which he replied 'mum just let me hold my baby' and physically took DD off MIL. This same day, we went to a cafe and DD started crying as she was ready for a feed, but it was getting dark and we were ready to leave. I asked DH to carry her home with a finger in her mouth (normally keeps her going), but MIL grabbed her out of DHs hands, put her in the buggy and ran off towards home with her. I then had to run after her and DD was besides herself when she got home.

The second day we went to the cafe she walked the pram there, had DD facing her the whole time (so I couldn't see her), so when she ran to the shop before we left I faced DD to me and intended to walk the pram home. Whilst I was standing up she grabbed the pram and ran off again. Then when we got home she sat in the living room with DD, and I sat next to her expecting her to pass DD over as she'd said she was going to make lunch. Instead she immediately stands up and says 'come watch Grandma make lunch' and takes DD out the room with her.

MIL also would not give DD back when she was getting upset. Insisting on soothing her with singing, which would calm DD intermittently, but then she became increasingly more distraught and I was eventually handed back a baby in a terrible state. I tend to just give DD the boob straight away so we rarely have any tears.

This alongside the following comments over the weekend:
-Constantly referring to her as 'my baby', to the point PIL said to MIL 'Where's YOUR baby' when I was holding DD! MIL then laughed and said 'Haha he thinks she's MY baby'.
-PIL: "I think we need to come up with a lease agreement for her (referring to DD)'
-'PIL to me: 'Watch out she (MIL) is running away with your baby'
-MIL holding DD: 'I always wanted a girl'. Insinuating she now had one... and moaning that PIL wouldn't let her have more than one baby.

She also text me before they came saying me and DH should go out for dinner to get some time to ourselves. I ignored this.

It feels like there's an underlying want to create physical distance between me and DD. They don't see DD often so I was trying to be generous giving them plenty of time to hold her, but it feels like a 'give them an inch and they'll take a mile' type scenario. I honestly feel physically sick at how terrible I felt because I just had no time to hold my own baby, and when I tried to assert myself she physically took her away from me. I had about four hour sleep over the two nights they were here, and just stayed up holding DD for some connection.

I know I need to lay down the law, it's just hard when you've previously had a good relationship.

Thoughts?

My MIL was fairly similar after my dd was born. She was so excited to have a girl it completely clouded her thoughts and she turned into a possessive monster! Constantly undermining me and grabbing the baby off me, refusing to believe that she just needed a boob etc.
Then out of nowhere after my dd turned 1, my MIL became entirely reasonable again. So maybe there is hope. I would stick firm to your boundaries for now.

Your baby was just in hospital and you thought they were dead but MIL and FIL are still making it all about them!

I think you should go NC with them for at least a few weeks so they have time to calm down and realise you are serious.

Alternatively, still see them but DO NOT pass DD over and just put up with the negative comments

I agree that you should cancel the visit and stop trying to smooth things over. The way you feel is entirely normal and reasonable and they are being batshit crazy. You can't reason with them when they are like this.

I honestly don't understand why some ILs do this - it totally ruins what were previously harmonious relationships.

Sometimes you have to be blunt - this is your baby, not theirs. They don't get to make decisions or take over and until they learn to respect that you and DH are not children and can manage your own child, then I'd keep them firmly at arm's length.
But definitely stop trying to appease them and make them feel better because they will just interpret that as them being in the right.

All of this is easily resolved by dishing out orders, saying no, taking the baby etc.
Stop letting her do it. She needs to be told NO very firmly

Op there is no law that says you need to see them. Not one that states dc need such dgps either...
Dh can see them should he choose but you don't have to have them in your home given their blatant disregard for your feelings...

Just because they think they're being normal doesn't mean they actually are.

And if they are hostile and going to be all pathetic about it, definitely cancel the visit. But it has to be DH to do that

Seeing your update, I would not only cancel, I was say nothing and drop contact all together until they apologise and get it in their head that they are not the parents of your child.. Life is too short and they obviously give zero f**ks about your feelings and establishing reasonable boundaries.

@LaraLou99 you really don’t need to smooth things over, although understand as this was my initial reaction to similar situations.

Get a sling, when you see them baby is strapped to you. If they hold her and you want her back after 30secs then ask and repeat until they do then tell them to leave.

I'd also cancel. Say you want some quality time alone as a family and until they can respect your boundaries, you won't be seeing them. Even if they think they haven't done anything wrong, they need to respect your wishes as new parents x

Just leave them to stew. Loads of children grow happily without grandparents.

If they are as obsessed as you say they will come round eventually and if they don't agree to your ground rules they will miss out.
Your DD won't know any difference.

Don't give in.

My dc have no dgps. Not what I would have chosen but preferable to my dps or ils being in their lives!!
Your priority is to your dc and to your own mh. Same goes for your dh.

MIL grabbed her out of DHs hands, put her in the buggy and ran off towards home with her. I then had to run after her and DD was besides herself when she got home.

That's crazy. It's also potentially dangerous.

I'd be scaling back drastically on any contact after this kind of event so she gets the message that actions lead to consequences. The safety of your child comes before her feelings.

This is a common scenario: previously sane in-laws going completely batshit as soon as a baby arrives. My own situation was much less extreme but a variation on this theme. I barely had a relationship with mine beforehand: saw them 2-3 times a year and didn't even know MiL very well. Once I was on maternity leave she was always there. Husband was at work but I humoured her and saw her on my own with the baby: I was perfectly willing to nurture that relationship for our child's sake.

As soon as the 'tiny baby' stage was over with the shine wore off and she lost interest and reverted to type. Again we saw her 2-3 times a year. But in addition to that she got nasty and passive-aggressive with me, to the extent that I've now stepped right back and let my husband manage that relationship without my involvement. I don't visit her with them (2 hours' drive away), although she does come here.

It's when the first baby arrives that they go loopy!

Get a sling if you have to see them again. The baby is yours not mil’s. She is in the wrong.

You shouldn’t have given them a ready excuse that it's basically your fault how you’re feeling. I would reiterate at the next available opportunity that it is 100% their behaviour and you were trying to be kind to them but clearly they didn’t deserve it.

God this is like reading exactly what happened to me with my MIL. At one point she actually said "come to mommy" to my newborn baby. She did the same thing of trying to separate me from my baby at every opportunity. Thankfully my partner was completely understanding and knew that we had to essentially "train" his mother how to be. Because of her behaviour visits became shorter, she had previously been taking DD for walks, this stopped. No sleepovers as she had previously tried to push on us. She still says stupid irritating comments like "are you going to change her nappie" giving unsolicited advice about how we feed her but we have strong boundaries now and this is what you need to do! Good luck!

I had similar with my MIL, my DC was the first and only grandchild for a long time. Also tried to control baby's routines and overstepped constantly. She absolutely hated that DC was exclusively breastfed and undermined me and breastfeeding at every single opportunity. Constantly insisting DC would be better with formula and bottle so she could take over feeds. I had some baby blues and wish I had put my foot down more.

Now there is a second grandchild in the family and my DC get barely any interest at all. Its sadly all very predictable.

Set boundaries now OP or it will get worse.

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

You shouldn’t have given them a ready excuse that it's basically your fault how you’re feeling. I would reiterate at the next available opportunity that it is 100% their behaviour and you were trying to be kind to them but clearly they didn’t deserve it.

This. It’s so disappointing your husband was doing well asserting a very reasonable boundary with his parents when you interjected and said this:

I then took the phone and tried to smooth the situation over, saying that perhaps recent events (DD was in hospital four days prior and frankly I thought she'd died - but was fine in the end), had played a part in our feelings and we were only raising it because we want both PIL to have a good relationship with DD.

Which totally undid his work in painting yourself as someone with unreasonable, emotion driven demands that are a result of a difficult experience rather than being very normal things any parent has a right to expect.

It’ll be tough coming back from this now you’ve handed them a stick to beat you with, that you’re being unreasonable due to DD being poorly. Hard to then reaffirm that actually, you’re being perfectly reasonable and reasoned with this and their behaviour is the problem.

Such a shame, maybe let DH handle it if you’re struggling not to take the reins and place the blame on you both as parents, he sounds like he was doing well enough.

@phoenixrosehere

Seeing your update, I would not only cancel, I was say nothing and drop contact all together until they apologise and get it in their head that they are not the parents of your child.. Life is too short and they obviously give zero f**ks about your feelings and establishing reasonable boundaries.

This. Don't cancel the visit to punish them or to give yourselves a break from them. Cancel it as a way of enforcing your boundaries. They don't get to visit again until they agree to comply and apologize for their previous behaviour.

And then they have to follow through and so as you say. You're being far too nice. Don't ask people to give you boundaries, they're your boundaries so you set them and expect people to comply, no "asking" about it, you "tell" not "ask". If they get angry ignore it, don't smooth it over. You're not responsible for their feelings. If they're angry it's not your job to fix that.

Their behaviour is totally unreasonable, very creepy and not in your DC best interest. They're causing your DC upset (as well as you) and they don't care, they think their own feelings are more important. They're not good people.

If I'd seen someone too old to be the mother snatch a pram off someone who was upset and probably was the mother I'd have called the police.

Cancel x 100000000000000
They want you to apologise, they want to be told they can carry on. Cancel to create a line that they can only step over when they agree to your absolutely fair and appropriate boundaries.

Grey rock. Calm, mono tone repetition

"The baby is crying - give her to me"
"I am going to push the pram"
"I am going to connect with her now"
"You are not respecting our boundaries"

Repeat repeat repeat. DH too.

I feel for you OP, I have great relationship with ILs but was apoplectic when our baby arrived and at a day old (with snow on the ground) it was suggested they go for a walk (errr NO) and I too was told to eat before tending to her screams - MIL singing was not working funnily wnogh given she wanted boob.

I never actually had to say anything - I think my face spoke for me - or maybe my DH did, I never asked, but things improved and are fine now. X

You were meant to be seeing them this week....you might just have dodged a bullet there. Just don't back down, you're not unreasonable here. There is such a deep bond between mother and child in the early days and it should be respected. Don't let your memories of your child's first few months be marred by memories of MIL taking over. If she and FIL want to take offence at what you and your DH have said in asserting your boundaries, let them. Hopefully they will in time realise that MIL may have to modify her behaviour if she wants to fit in with your family unit - you're the parents, you're in charge and don't forget it.

If things settle, try to find opportunities for her to have time with baby in situations where you are in control, speaking as someone who had no parental support I would have killed for some time out!

@SinoohXaenaHide

Don't get me wrong, your MIL is totally bonkers and unreasonable, but at the same time I really sympathise with her. It's not unusual for MILs to go mad in this particular way, and I think I was in danger of wobbling that way myself before realising how mad it was.

When you can't have the second child that your arms are yearning for, either because of miscarriage or because of the person you are in a relationship with not wanting the same, it is easy to fall inti tge trap of getting fixated on the idea that eventually there will be grandchildren who will heal that aching longing. If that idea is allowed to take root and grow for decades, then you son's girlfriend/bride is merely a conduit towards that fantasy being fulfilled - and of course you had a lovely relationship before you got pg. In her fantasy, you find motherhood exhausting and overwhelming and are joyfully delighted to share the burden with her. You aren't following the script she has been dreaming fir the last 30+ years so things are going to get very sour, very quickly.

You need firm boundaries, but she probably needs some counselling for the decades-old grief that she has been nursing while awaiting her grandchild who was supposed to fix everything.

I think nans like this need therapy and lots and lots of self work and not project those feelings onto other people’s babies creating additional anxiety on the new parents. Crazy and very selfish.

Cancel.

I'm not sure it's the nan going through regret of having only one DC. They both sound control freaks. The FIL as much as MIL.

Ffs…mils don’t act like this normally at all! I’m one and have never acted like this…luckily I’m not a bonkers lunatic and will be meeting my dil and gd for tea tomorrow 🙄