AIBU - MIL and newborn baby

[LaraLou99]

First time poster! Looking for some opinions please that I am not being a totally controlling mama bear and unfair on my MIL.

Background: MIL and I have always got along well, partner and I have been together for going on 8 years and our DD is now 11 weeks old. During pregnancy, an incident happened in which we asked DH's parents not to do something (twice), and they went ahead and did it without consulting us. This was a few weeks before I gave birth and it kept me up at night, that I later realised was because I was worried about them overstepping boundaries with our future baby in the same way.

After the birth they stayed locally and were there when we came home. They cooked and were very respectful of not overstaying. That said, MIL did tell me I had to finish my dinner before giving me my crying baby back and said twice that we should go have a sleep for four hours so she could look after DD or take her for a walk. This made me really uncomfortable as DD was only two days old at the time.

Last week they came to stay with us for 2.5 days and in my eyes it was a car crash. I did not hold the baby from when they arrived at 2pm-9.30pm apart from 2 feedings. When DH went to take baby off his mum, she went all frazzled and held onto DD saying 'we're here to help you', to which he replied 'mum just let me hold my baby' and physically took DD off MIL. This same day, we went to a cafe and DD started crying as she was ready for a feed, but it was getting dark and we were ready to leave. I asked DH to carry her home with a finger in her mouth (normally keeps her going), but MIL grabbed her out of DHs hands, put her in the buggy and ran off towards home with her. I then had to run after her and DD was besides herself when she got home.

The second day we went to the cafe she walked the pram there, had DD facing her the whole time (so I couldn't see her), so when she ran to the shop before we left I faced DD to me and intended to walk the pram home. Whilst I was standing up she grabbed the pram and ran off again. Then when we got home she sat in the living room with DD, and I sat next to her expecting her to pass DD over as she'd said she was going to make lunch. Instead she immediately stands up and says 'come watch Grandma make lunch' and takes DD out the room with her.

MIL also would not give DD back when she was getting upset. Insisting on soothing her with singing, which would calm DD intermittently, but then she became increasingly more distraught and I was eventually handed back a baby in a terrible state. I tend to just give DD the boob straight away so we rarely have any tears.

This alongside the following comments over the weekend:
-Constantly referring to her as 'my baby', to the point PIL said to MIL 'Where's YOUR baby' when I was holding DD! MIL then laughed and said 'Haha he thinks she's MY baby'.
-PIL: "I think we need to come up with a lease agreement for her (referring to DD)'
-'PIL to me: 'Watch out she (MIL) is running away with your baby'
-MIL holding DD: 'I always wanted a girl'. Insinuating she now had one... and moaning that PIL wouldn't let her have more than one baby.

She also text me before they came saying me and DH should go out for dinner to get some time to ourselves. I ignored this.

It feels like there's an underlying want to create physical distance between me and DD. They don't see DD often so I was trying to be generous giving them plenty of time to hold her, but it feels like a 'give them an inch and they'll take a mile' type scenario. I honestly feel physically sick at how terrible I felt because I just had no time to hold my own baby, and when I tried to assert myself she physically took her away from me. I had about four hour sleep over the two nights they were here, and just stayed up holding DD for some connection.

I know I need to lay down the law, it's just hard when you've previously had a good relationship.

Thoughts?

They sound like kids who have had their best toy stolen.

I hope they catch a grip of themselves before this family dynamic is completely destroyed.

And the lack of compassion is just odd.

Some people are really uncomfortable with bring grandparents simply because they're not in control and you're in charge. They will deal with that by trying to normalise controlling behaviour from the outset when you're vulnerable. It sounds like they're two of them.

Why do people care so much about good relationships between GCs and GPs?

I mean, it's great if a normal and healthy relationship exists between GCS and GPs but it's not the end of the world if it doesn't. It's not critical to a child's development.

Op, your mil is utterly batshit crazy. Keep her away from your child. That is all.

Why do people care so much about good relationships between GCs and GPs?

Quite possibly because those of us who had/have good relationships with our grandparents know how brilliant they are. That bond can be really special. Bringing up a child isn’t just about its development.

Your mil sounds like a nightmare @LaraLou99. Hopefully she’ll calm down soon.

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

You shouldn’t have given them a ready excuse that it's basically your fault how you’re feeling. I would reiterate at the next available opportunity that it is 100% their behaviour and you were trying to be kind to them but clearly they didn’t deserve it.

This! By saying you were being sensitive due to the situation re: your little one, you are accepting that you overreacted and condoning their behaviour. This is the exact opposite of the message you want to send to them and is unlikely to fix anything.

When MIL or FIL downplay your concerns, just meet it with a response that says 'that's your opinion but I'm the mother, I grew that baby in me for 9+ months, I gave birth to the baby, and my wishes are paramount.'

@Blossomtoes

Why do people care so much about good relationships between GCs and GPs?

Quite possibly because those of us who had/have good relationships with our grandparents know how brilliant they are. That bond can be really special. Bringing up a child isn’t just about its development.

Your mil sounds like a nightmare @LaraLou99. Hopefully she’ll calm down soon.

Yep. 35 and still hurting from losing my maternal grandma in 2018. She was probably my favourite person.

So sorry @Labyrinth86. 💐 My son would say the same and it’s nearly six years since we lost my mum.

This post has really hit a nerve with me. My MIL used to run off with my firstborn. We'd go into her house and she'd say let me have a cuddle and then take off down the hall or into the kitchen with the baby. Or insist on walking them around the garden for fresh air. She'd also insist on wanting to feed the baby (even though I was BF at the time) and I'd almost have to wrestle them back. It's bloody ridiculous when I think back. I wasn't sure if I'd exagerrated the memories but, no, I just checked with my DH, and he still doesn't understand it either.

You have my sympathies OP, I hope your MIL calms down.

She sounds like a total nightmare!!! Though my mom often refers to my baby as her baby?! It really grates me!
You need your husband to say something. Everyone can understand that she's excited and obvs loves her grand baby and that's lovely, but you need to bond with your baby.

Thanks @Blossomtoes 😊 I'm very sad that she won't meet her great-granddaughter (due end of the month) and my cousin also had a baby in August, which would have been her first great-grandchild. I'm happy that she was able to attend my wedding though, it was only a few months before she became very ill very suddenly. I'm sorry to hear that your son is still hurting too - I guess it's a reflection of the strength of the bond we had with our grandmas.

Bringing it back to this thread, one reason that I had a much better relationship with maternal grandma than the one I have with paternal grandma is that maternal grandma was respectful of both of my parents and never badmouthed any of my family, even if they were rude to her. My paternal grandma was apparently similar to what the OP describes with me (I'm the eldest) and continued to put down and undermine my mum at every opportunity for most of my life. I love her but I don't like her and I actively avoid spending time with her - thank you Covid restrictions. Your MIL runs the risk of this happening so DH could perhaps explain that to her in a sensitive way as a benefit to her of respecting boundaries.

@Labyrinth86 It’s hard isn’t it? My paternal grandma passed in 2016. I was 26 and it’s still very raw for me. She was my favourite person in the world too.

My condolences @IcedCoffeeAlways 💐 It really is hard

@LaBellina

I think some here might have forgotten how protective as a new mum you feel about your little one. The MIL is completely overstepping the mark and we should understand that because she’s excited but how about the new mum’s feelings/ hormones all over the place? I say the MIL does not show any consideration for the OP’s feelings so why should the OP have to consider her MIL’s. Boundaries OP and let your DH enforce them.

Absolutely this!!!

People seem to forget how vulnerable and all over the place you are as a new mother.

I highly doubt the OP fears her MIL wants to steal her baby, I think she’s just wary of this behaviour, as I was, as it’s unsettling.

Boundaries need to be made; but it’s very easy to fly off the handle in the post natal period and you may come across as being ‘unreasonable’ but believe me your not. I found It very hard to express myself in a normal way without crying etc for Atleast the first 6 weeks. I didn’t have pnd or anything like that I just went from one extreme to the other but I was very happy with my baby.

To echo lots of others, MIL has had her babies, now it’s your turn. She has to respect that. After 10 months mine appears to have received that message (I think, I hope, I pray 🤞🏻)

I would cancel seeing them this week as others have said. You have asked them to respect perfectly reasonable boundaries. If they are unable to do that then they will see less of you.

They can now work to earn your trust. I honestly don't get grandparents like this. I know it can be exciting for them, but they are not the parents, it's as simple as that.

Cancel.
We’re relatively new grandparents. We care for our grandchild one day each week. Now on cow’s milk, we even check with daughter first before using a different supermarket brand
Possibly ott but the point is, she’s mum and what she says, goes.

My mil was very much like this. I even often found her saying mummy and daddy in regards to them when talking to my dd. She was the little girl they never had.
I was like you and allowed it to happen, for months. Then one day I snapped. I told them they needed to respect me as dd's mum, and gave them clear boundaries. They continued to barrel through them, so we lessened contact. Now dd is 2 and a half, and they honestly aren't that bothered about her because it's clear she's a mummy's girl, and mil really doesn't like that.

Cancel the visit this week. Until they can respect your boundaries, you owe them nothing.

Seen your update OP - I would cancel the visit! She needs to learn to respect you as “Mum” or else it’s only going to get worse!

The thing that bothers me most with overbearing MILs (or Mothers for that matter) is that they have been new mums at some point. They have been through the exact same thing! They know the crazy hormones and the hugely protective feelings. They know how tough a time it can be! My own MIL frequently told me about how she didn’t get on with her in-laws because of how they treated her when she had her DCs - yet she continues to do the exact same thing to me. When pointed out to her she would tell me “you’re being ridiculous - I’m HELPING you!”. Helping me would have been chucking on a load of washing, washing the few dishes that were there, hoovering etc while I fed my newborn...but walking away with my crying hungry baby telling me that he “just needs cuddles from Gran”.

I couldn’t even tell you the number of arguments I had with her over the first few months.

We now see MIL about once a fortnight for an hour and I spend the next 2 weeks dreading the next visit. She’s ridiculously petty when it comes to my DS (her first GC). She does lots of little annoying things which don’t seem like much but they are just ridiculous 🙄

• ALWAYS leaves the room with DS. Just me, her and DS home. She HAS to pick DS up and walk round the house “showing him the house” just leaving me sitting there. DS is 11 months - he has no interest and squirms to get down and play with his toys.
• When DS is playing in the lounge with his toys - if he interacts with me rather than MIL she gets up and sits on the floor infront of me so that DS is looking at her 🙄🙄 (yes, seriously!)
• When he does interact with her, she sits with her phone in his face taking pictures 🙄 anytime he does a “trick” (her word, NOT mine as my child is not a dog) she shouts “wait wait wait, Gran needs a picture”. She never just enjoys her time with him 🙄

Every visit ends with her and I bickering 🙄

@IcedCoffeeAlways I do agree with you but I think 'back in the day ' when our mums/ mils were new mum it was kind of the done thing to have a lot of help of their mum / MIL . But times have changed

I used a sling too. DS went in it first thing in the morning, was happy snuggled up against me, and could not be grabbed because I'd buckled him in. Stops all the arguments and manoeuvring in its tracks.

Ok, that's it. You tried. Neither of them respected you. In fact, they doubled down and made you feel WORSE. Do not, do NOT see them this week. And make sure they know you won't be visiting with them until they both realise how out of line they were and apologise.

DO...NOT....BACK.....DOWN.

If you do, you will be teaching them that they are right, that your boundaries are ok to be disrespected, and they will get worse. Make sure they know you will not be visiting them until they apologise for their attitude and behaviour.

@IcedCoffeeAlways Why once a fortnight? I would cut it back to once every 6 months - 3 months at the barest minimum, and tell her why. By seeing her so often, you are encouraging her and telling her it's ok. She is being rewarded. Once a fortnight is quite a lot, even when you get on. No way in the world when I reward her with that. Take it to once every 6 months, tell her why, and say if she doesn't change it will be once a year or more. It's the only way to train them/get them to change their attitude. You're just egging her on and rewarding her with such frequent visits.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

Why do people care so much about good relationships between GCs and GPs?

I mean, it's great if a normal and healthy relationship exists between GCS and GPs but it's not the end of the world if it doesn't. It's not critical to a child's development.

Op, your mil is utterly batshit crazy. Keep her away from your child. That is all.

Exactly. It's a very overrated relationship and really not necessary at all. Especially if there is discord between adults, the baby will pick up on it, so it's detrimental to the baby to visit with the MILs. Therefore it's in the baby's best interest not to have that relationship. The whole grandchildren/grandparents relationship is very overrated.

When you can't have the second child that your arms are yearning for, either because of miscarriage or because of the person you are in a relationship with not wanting the same, it is easy to fall inti tge trap of getting fixated on the idea that eventually there will be grandchildren who will heal that aching longing. If that idea is allowed to take root and grow for decades, then you son's girlfriend/bride is merely a conduit towards that fantasy being fulfilled - and of course you had a lovely relationship before you got pg. In her fantasy, you find motherhood exhausting and overwhelming and are joyfully delighted to share the burden with her. You aren't following the script she has been dreaming fir the last 30+ years so things are going to get very sour, very quickly.

Oh my God you've just described exactly the situation with my own mum. The penny has just dropped for me. I can remember her talking about 'when you have a baby I'll be able to do xyz' from when I was about 10. The pressure has been insane and her relationship with my kids isn't what it could be because of that.

The whole grandchildren/grandparents relationship is very overrated.

I think the opposite. It’s a massively underrated relationship.

Obviously MiL’s like the Op’s are not good grandparents. However good grandparents are a massive benefit to a child, and to their parents.

[quote TheGirlCat]@IcedCoffeeAlways Why once a fortnight? I would cut it back to once every 6 months - 3 months at the barest minimum, and tell her why. By seeing her so often, you are encouraging her and telling her it's ok. She is being rewarded. Once a fortnight is quite a lot, even when you get on. No way in the world when I reward her with that. Take it to once every 6 months, tell her why, and say if she doesn't change it will be once a year or more. It's the only way to train them/get them to change their attitude. You're just egging her on and rewarding her with such frequent visits.[/quote]
@TheGirlCat It does sound like a lot but it’s really not when you know our family set up. She lives a 5 minute walk from our house. DH works away from home and is only home every 2 weeks. I have no contact with MIL when DH is away. When he’s home she visits our house once for an hour. She’s on her own and DH feels a big sense of responsibility to look after her so he wouldn’t be happy going complete NC which is fine - I won’t force him into a situation that he’s unhappy with. He’s well aware of how overbearing she has become though and has had frequent arguments with her over it himself so he has cut contact to the bare minimum.

She doesn’t get my DS alone at all and she doesn’t see him when I’m not there because I don’t trust her