AIBU - MIL and newborn baby

[LaraLou99]

First time poster! Looking for some opinions please that I am not being a totally controlling mama bear and unfair on my MIL.

Background: MIL and I have always got along well, partner and I have been together for going on 8 years and our DD is now 11 weeks old. During pregnancy, an incident happened in which we asked DH's parents not to do something (twice), and they went ahead and did it without consulting us. This was a few weeks before I gave birth and it kept me up at night, that I later realised was because I was worried about them overstepping boundaries with our future baby in the same way.

After the birth they stayed locally and were there when we came home. They cooked and were very respectful of not overstaying. That said, MIL did tell me I had to finish my dinner before giving me my crying baby back and said twice that we should go have a sleep for four hours so she could look after DD or take her for a walk. This made me really uncomfortable as DD was only two days old at the time.

Last week they came to stay with us for 2.5 days and in my eyes it was a car crash. I did not hold the baby from when they arrived at 2pm-9.30pm apart from 2 feedings. When DH went to take baby off his mum, she went all frazzled and held onto DD saying 'we're here to help you', to which he replied 'mum just let me hold my baby' and physically took DD off MIL. This same day, we went to a cafe and DD started crying as she was ready for a feed, but it was getting dark and we were ready to leave. I asked DH to carry her home with a finger in her mouth (normally keeps her going), but MIL grabbed her out of DHs hands, put her in the buggy and ran off towards home with her. I then had to run after her and DD was besides herself when she got home.

The second day we went to the cafe she walked the pram there, had DD facing her the whole time (so I couldn't see her), so when she ran to the shop before we left I faced DD to me and intended to walk the pram home. Whilst I was standing up she grabbed the pram and ran off again. Then when we got home she sat in the living room with DD, and I sat next to her expecting her to pass DD over as she'd said she was going to make lunch. Instead she immediately stands up and says 'come watch Grandma make lunch' and takes DD out the room with her.

MIL also would not give DD back when she was getting upset. Insisting on soothing her with singing, which would calm DD intermittently, but then she became increasingly more distraught and I was eventually handed back a baby in a terrible state. I tend to just give DD the boob straight away so we rarely have any tears.

This alongside the following comments over the weekend:
-Constantly referring to her as 'my baby', to the point PIL said to MIL 'Where's YOUR baby' when I was holding DD! MIL then laughed and said 'Haha he thinks she's MY baby'.
-PIL: "I think we need to come up with a lease agreement for her (referring to DD)'
-'PIL to me: 'Watch out she (MIL) is running away with your baby'
-MIL holding DD: 'I always wanted a girl'. Insinuating she now had one... and moaning that PIL wouldn't let her have more than one baby.

She also text me before they came saying me and DH should go out for dinner to get some time to ourselves. I ignored this.

It feels like there's an underlying want to create physical distance between me and DD. They don't see DD often so I was trying to be generous giving them plenty of time to hold her, but it feels like a 'give them an inch and they'll take a mile' type scenario. I honestly feel physically sick at how terrible I felt because I just had no time to hold my own baby, and when I tried to assert myself she physically took her away from me. I had about four hour sleep over the two nights they were here, and just stayed up holding DD for some connection.

I know I need to lay down the law, it's just hard when you've previously had a good relationship.

Thoughts?

Whenever I read threads like this I have a slightly sick feeling of relief that my late MIL was a continent away. Had we been in range I think she might well have been like this too.

Do whatever you need to put appropriate boundaries in place.

Omg I've just remembered MILs worst moment again. I'd had a C section and was not recovering well. DS was about 5 weeks and colicky it took an intense specific routine of rocking, bouncing winding, feeding, to settle him. He was very unsettled during their visit and I was working hard to prevent a meltdown. Anyone with half a brain could have seen how temperamental he was being, he would have screamed the house down if I let go of him. She asked me like every 3 minutes "when am I going to get him then?!" And then she called my DH in from the kitchen and said "DS do me a favour, go get DGC and bring him to me." I swear DH must have seen the fire coming out my ears because it's one of the few times I've witnessed him say no to his mum. I'd have divorced him there and then.

She's clearly besotted with the baby, and as you say they don't see you often she's obviously trying to suck up every second with her. She probably thinks she's giving you a break by taking control when she is visiting. Be thankful that you have a caring and willing MIL who wants to be involved, but learn to be more confident in speaking up when you need to instead of silently letting the stress build up.

Do you think that maybe she’s finding it hard to accept that her son has had a baby with a bear? She might just be a bit scared when she runs off.

Your MIL is unhinged and you are being an absolute doormat. I would have read her the riot act ages ago. Honestly, stand up for yourself and put this woman in her place. The mind boggles that you allow her to run the show like this.

As someone with a three month old new ish baby this sounds appalling to me. You and your partner are building a special connection with your baby at this time. If someone had taken my baby and refused to give her back I would have been in bits. It’s hard even to let DH have her on his own still. Really confusing and upsetting for your DD too. Listen to baby cry is designed to be really upsetting for the mother. 9/10 they are actually hungry and the boob is what they want (or bottle) I had lots of cluster feeding and long feeds my MIL would sometimes make comments that she couldn’t possibly still be hungry and would try holding her for a bit which wouldn’t work and would be back to me for more feeding. But your MIL sounds like another level. You are going to have to be tough for the sake of your LO as although it’s important she can be with family it’s also important that you can be responsive to her needs and MIL is getting in the way. I would get you partner to lay out rules with her before next visit and stick to them when they arrive . Good luck

Sweetheart, please stick up for your child! If she’s crying, take her back, there should be zero negotiations, it’s YOUR baby. Tell her that and the second she cries, she comes back to you. I millionth the sling idea.

If she is such a caring MIL why is she completely oblivious to the distress she is causing a hormonal new mother and a tiny new person who needs to be close to that mother while learning about the world.

I literally have no idea how you managed to hold it together.
For the bond and development of your growing newborn, don't let her be a guest in your home again.
All visits should be in a neutral child friendly location so that mil learns how to behave by learning the skills she needs from others around her.
Dh and you need to keep stating that she's not welcome in your child's safe haven because she violated the boundaries.
Invite your parents to be present each time she meets you in the neutral location.
Horrible situation.

Oh yes, I remember how much I used to hate when people wouldn’t hand DD back straight away when she cried. I think some of it comes from a misguided sense that they’re helping by giving you a break but it’s just horrible. Its like it provokes some kind of primal reaction. It’s one of the reasons I breastfed for so long, so I could say that I needed to have her back for a feed without people being able to argue.

I remember when DD was less than a week old DM tried to take her out of the side crib to sleep in the spare room with her and I just wanted to cry at the thought. I’m sure she just wanted me to get some sleep but I just remember feeling horrified that she was trying to take my baby away from me.

“I know I need to lay down the law”

No you don’t, your husband does. Some of her behaviour is bordering on creepy.

She said she did chase after. It doesn’t matter what MILs version is as it’s not her baby and she will have plenty of time to spend with it after the parents have bonded.

This is creepy. Really unsettling and bizarre behaviour.

Dd is your baby. Yours and your dh's. She doesn't get to grab or hold the baby for longer than you are happy. She doesn't get to run off with her either.

You're just going to have to be really really firm. Do not ask to her to look after your dd because she has serous boundary issues and will seek to undermine everything you request on purpose in the hope it will make your dd prefer her.

This will get worse unless you are really strict and firm. Do not respond to her bleatings or inevitable tantrums either.

What is it with weak women on MN...it's either wayward or abusive husbands.....over zealous MIL's ......jeez just grow a pair and deal with it...the minute you need to start a thread you know there is a problem!

Why iosnt dh saying anything

have u spoke to him

I understand why you want to try and please MIL, it's lovely to see a baby bring so much happiness to someone who loves them so dearly.
I think it's DH job to have a chat with MIL though not yours, there's nothing wrong with just being honest and telling her you want close 1:1 time with your baby and you need to be in control.
I would avoid complaining to MIL about lack of sleep etc in the short term as that will ignite her need to want to help and take over. I'm sure whatever she is doing comes from a place of love for you, DH and of course the baby. Perhaps try the sling/carrier idea, I'd make up some BS' about how more settled DD is in the sling, with you etc. Also if you don't have one get a strap for the pushchair that goes round your wrist. They come as standard with some prams for safety but it would stop MIL marching off with it if ots attached to you. Perhaps when they are round say you are in a routine where you go upstairs alone every hour or so to feed and have calm quiet, maybe say baby latches better lying down.
Sometimes you do have to be confident and take your baby from people, just do it calmly and quickly so as not to upset the baby. Once baby has settled and you are ready you can just pass baby back.
While it is annoying having grandparents like this and I can relate to it esp with my 1st born, it really does come in useful as the child gets older and you need babysitters, a break or even have another child and need the help. Good luck

One day you will be a granny and will want to help your son or daughter by holding baby while they have lunch or nap. And you will be far too over excited and they will rage at yoi!
Well I'm a granny and wouldn't dream of expecting or demanding to hold my grandchild if my DD wasn't 100% happy with it. And it's not helping if all you're doing is distressing the child's mother!

Your DH needs to have a stern word with her and set some boundaries. Personally, if they ignore this the next time they stay over, then l would be telling them that they will have to stay elsewhere when they visit.

@Peanutsandchilli

Sounds a bit full on but she's smitten. I'm sure the novelty will wear off in time. I'd just grit my teeth and let her get on with it.

Really? You'd prioritise MIL's feelings over your desire to be with your breastfed newborn infant? wow.

The most important connection for this baby is with the mother who is feeding her. The second is with her dad. MIL being smitten should not mean an infant is kept from its mother at 11 weeks old - 11 weeks since that baby was inside the mother!

And don't be thankful you have a "caring" mil/grandmother - you don't. I had a caring MIL/grandmother who came over to help me when my first was born and I was sick. God, that woman was wonderful and I love her dearly to this day. She encouraged my relationship with ds, helped me with the boring non cuddling the baby bits, told me I was a fabulous mother, offered to have us go out for dinner but only so we would have a break and didn't insist. She is wonderful and every dil she has (all 4 of us) adore her. Don't confuse obsession/control with caring.

Your MIL sounds nuts. This would make me really angry too, in fact I’m pretty sure her behavior would have every new mum completely infuriated. I wouldn’t let her hold the baby anymore at all. She clearly has no respect for your boundaries so you don’t need to give her anything.

I'd pull right back from visits. Perhaps say to DH that you need family time as just 3 of you over the next month or so and he can visit his parents separately. That way it's clear they cannot come into your family unit to take your baby.

Your mil sounds fit with all the running she's doing.
🤱🏃‍♂️🤱

YANBU, she sounds like she's become a bit unhinged. At points she's actually preventing your baby's needs from being met. Your DH needs to have a stern word and do it ASAP. Her behaviour is unacceptable.

Her behaviour is outrageous. You need to be bonding with your tiny baby and comforting her, not pandering to your MIL. “Mum knows best” is what I’d say and don’t let her dictate anything. Honestly just be busy now for a while and don’t see them, don’t let her ruin this precious time you have to bond with your baby, it’s really important .