AIBU - MIL and newborn baby

[LaraLou99]

First time poster! Looking for some opinions please that I am not being a totally controlling mama bear and unfair on my MIL.

Background: MIL and I have always got along well, partner and I have been together for going on 8 years and our DD is now 11 weeks old. During pregnancy, an incident happened in which we asked DH's parents not to do something (twice), and they went ahead and did it without consulting us. This was a few weeks before I gave birth and it kept me up at night, that I later realised was because I was worried about them overstepping boundaries with our future baby in the same way.

After the birth they stayed locally and were there when we came home. They cooked and were very respectful of not overstaying. That said, MIL did tell me I had to finish my dinner before giving me my crying baby back and said twice that we should go have a sleep for four hours so she could look after DD or take her for a walk. This made me really uncomfortable as DD was only two days old at the time.

Last week they came to stay with us for 2.5 days and in my eyes it was a car crash. I did not hold the baby from when they arrived at 2pm-9.30pm apart from 2 feedings. When DH went to take baby off his mum, she went all frazzled and held onto DD saying 'we're here to help you', to which he replied 'mum just let me hold my baby' and physically took DD off MIL. This same day, we went to a cafe and DD started crying as she was ready for a feed, but it was getting dark and we were ready to leave. I asked DH to carry her home with a finger in her mouth (normally keeps her going), but MIL grabbed her out of DHs hands, put her in the buggy and ran off towards home with her. I then had to run after her and DD was besides herself when she got home.

The second day we went to the cafe she walked the pram there, had DD facing her the whole time (so I couldn't see her), so when she ran to the shop before we left I faced DD to me and intended to walk the pram home. Whilst I was standing up she grabbed the pram and ran off again. Then when we got home she sat in the living room with DD, and I sat next to her expecting her to pass DD over as she'd said she was going to make lunch. Instead she immediately stands up and says 'come watch Grandma make lunch' and takes DD out the room with her.

MIL also would not give DD back when she was getting upset. Insisting on soothing her with singing, which would calm DD intermittently, but then she became increasingly more distraught and I was eventually handed back a baby in a terrible state. I tend to just give DD the boob straight away so we rarely have any tears.

This alongside the following comments over the weekend:
-Constantly referring to her as 'my baby', to the point PIL said to MIL 'Where's YOUR baby' when I was holding DD! MIL then laughed and said 'Haha he thinks she's MY baby'.
-PIL: "I think we need to come up with a lease agreement for her (referring to DD)'
-'PIL to me: 'Watch out she (MIL) is running away with your baby'
-MIL holding DD: 'I always wanted a girl'. Insinuating she now had one... and moaning that PIL wouldn't let her have more than one baby.

She also text me before they came saying me and DH should go out for dinner to get some time to ourselves. I ignored this.

It feels like there's an underlying want to create physical distance between me and DD. They don't see DD often so I was trying to be generous giving them plenty of time to hold her, but it feels like a 'give them an inch and they'll take a mile' type scenario. I honestly feel physically sick at how terrible I felt because I just had no time to hold my own baby, and when I tried to assert myself she physically took her away from me. I had about four hour sleep over the two nights they were here, and just stayed up holding DD for some connection.

I know I need to lay down the law, it's just hard when you've previously had a good relationship.

Thoughts?

I mean, it's obvious that your MIL is overstepping the mark and needs to be brought back in line - but I also think you're a teeny bit precious too.

I just don't believe she physically "ran" away with your baby yet that's how you've described it twice. Also, her walking your baby in the pram with the baby facing her is entirely natural at such a young age - but you have taken it extremely personally.

I'm usually very firmly in favour of the parents asserting their boundaries - and I think it's very clear that you will need to become comfortable with telling her no, and making sure that she doesn't abuse your kind nature. But at the same time, there are elements you need to chill a bit on. She is your baby - your MIL holding her for a few hours while she visits won't change that. Your baby isn't suddenly going to forget you're her mum, or suddenly become unbonded to you. It won't hurt to be generous with your baby's time when the PIL visit - let her push the pram if it makes her happy, you get to do it the rest of the time.

But at the same time you do not accept any shenanigans when your baby is upset. What you/DH say goes. No question. And I would make it very clear to the MIL that if she interferes with your parenting/you settling your baby, her access will be reduced/removed.

In summary, pick your battles. I had to learn to relax slightly when my DC were born. While your MIL sounds way, way too much, you also sound a tad over-possessive too.

As an aside, I also think your DH needs to have a quiet word about the oh-so-hilarious comments such as "sharing the lease for the baby" because that would make me far less inclined to be generous towards them.

For goodness sake, just speak to the MIL, and tell her how you feel, nip things in the bud, and get sorted, You are in charge. You must not be afraid of speaking up, despite what reaction you get from the MIL.

Everyone is saying
Be strict
Be firm
Read her the riot act basically

But in real life, when everyone else in the room is happy and cheery and doesn’t think something is a big deal
It’s very odd (and unusual in my experience?) for one person to just start yelling and telling everyone what’s what, kicking people out, and for that person to come out of it well and be listened to.

I say this as someone with a similar MIL…

Op I don’t know, ive just completely restricted MILs opportunities to push the boundaries but it’s only helped about 10%

I think she’s just very excited about a baby. I’ve watched my BFFs mum act pretty much exactly like this, and I know both of them and have done for more than 30 years (grew up having dinner at each other’s houses every night sort of close friendship), it’s nothing creepy or malicious, she’s just excited. BUT it’s my bffs mum not her MIL and she feels fine telling her mum to give her space which is really hard when it’s your in laws.

I do think your husband needs to talk to his parents and say that he knows it’s coming from a good place but it’s too much. And while getting a break is great, you need it to be on your terms and you’ll ask for help. I think you can help the situation by then actually asking, like we’d love if you took DD for a couple hours this afternoon so we can go for a walk etc. I found it very annoying being ordered off to sleep and my MIL was also always trying to calm with songs or whatever when really baby just needed boob.

Your MIL isn’t going to try and steal your baby or supplant you as a mother, try and at least knock any sinister assumptions on the head.

I think some here might have forgotten how protective as a new mum you feel about your little one. The MIL is completely overstepping the mark and we should understand that because she’s excited but how about the new mum’s feelings/ hormones all over the place? I say the MIL does not show any consideration for the OP’s feelings so why should the OP have to consider her MIL’s. Boundaries OP and let your DH enforce them.

She's a silly woman
The time will come when you:LL be glad to let her help with the baby while you and your DH have a night out or whatever. That time will not be. brought forward by her greedy grabbing of an infant. How dare she!
Do not allow her round for a while
Tell her she:s upsetting you with her behaviour.
What about your own Mum? She will probably be more helpful.

You need to tell your Darling Husband to tell his Mother to back the hell off... or there will be no more visits.

Try not to presume everyone has a mum @SammyScrounge

I can't stress enough how important it is for you to pull her up immediately....your DH should of course say something to her but if you don't stand up, she'll always try it on.

Why are you allowing her to take the baby? Or sitting there 'expecting' her to hand the baby back? You need to just put your hands on your baby and take her...and speak firmly "I am taking her"

I think she sounds mad but to be honest the only way I was comfortable with my PIL having my baby was when I wasn’t there. It was physically hard to watch someone else take over and feed / wind / carry her “wrong” (even my DH)

I find it much easier for them to take over if I’m not there at all now my daughter is older. I would absolutely not stand for the “my baby” nonsense though or going against you/your husband. Don’t ask. Just say “I’m taking her now” and reach out.

YABU. You'll give your right arm for someone to hold your baby whilst you finish your meal in the future. In the nicest possible way, get over yourself. I hope you are not treated with as much distain when you're a grandparent.

I just don't believe she physically "ran" away with your baby yet that's how you've described it twice.

I never understand why people bother replying to threads where they straight out think the OP is lying. Why would you bother?

As for all the "give your right arm" shite. It is disturbing that some women think the most important thing is cultivating a relationship with MIL so you can offload your child in the future instead of building the close mother/child/fourth trimester relationship that is so beneficial to both mother and baby. People have weird priorities.

I love my mil - she is amazing. but she was nothing like this one. I can tell you exactly who on this thread are going to be the MILs from hell in the future.

I am shocked at what percentage of people think YABU! Your MIL is a dick. Plain and simple. And she knows she's being a dick, but will continue to push the boundaries until she is shown otherwise.

I have a 5 week old. A MIL that I used to get on with perfectly, never a single disagreement. Since having the baby I just feel different! I can't explain it. Little things wind me up and I know IABU. You are not!! She's totally over stepped.

My annoyance comes from lack of giving a shit about my existence and only caring about the baby. Constantly wanting to facetime the baby despite us saying she's asleep. Let them FT and they start shouting her to wake her up because clearly a sleeping baby to them is boring where as to us it's finally time to chill as a couple. I think I really started to see the mask slip when she told my DH that DD needed to go to a&e one evening for for something that she absolutely did not. DH explained as much as it wasn't nice watching her scream, it was expected with her medical situation and I was happy she didn't need to go. She totally undermined me and told him to take her anyway by himself. Not only did she undermine me as DDs mother, but it's also my profession! So it was a double f you in my eyes!

The first time they met her (48 hours old) they did the same as you. Wouldn't put her down, had to take her back to feed. FIL made it quite awkward that he clearly didn't want to be around me BF so I felt uncomfortable in my own home.

New babies and in laws are just a shit combination! My own DM has been a bit of a pain too tbh, suffocating me and making comments like "I'm just doing your dishes because tomorrow when you are alone you will struggle". No I bloody won't!

These posts really make me upset as it brings back all the nightmare emotions I had with my inlaws similar to what you're experiencing op. I couldn't enjoy being a new mother as I had to constantly come up with strategies on how to put boundaries, how to politely say back off you're in space and how to remind them that I'm the mother by saying these politely without offending DH despite the postpartum mother me, was offended millions of times by inconsiderate and disrespectful inlaws.

I'm flooded with these horrible memories, the amounts of times I've fought with DH over this where it brought our marriage to a breaking point because he couldn't put boundaries in for me where he should have managed them as they were his family. I was sleep deprived, in pain as if I've been run over by a lorry, trying to establish breastfeeeding with two watermelon sized boobs because of engorgement despite being cup size B. I will never ever forgive them or my husband ever. I'm so sorry op. A massive hug for you.

My ex mil & sil were the same, I'd been very poorly after having ds & was struggling with severe pnd & found it hard to bond with ds. One day I had gone upstairs to the toilet & while I was upstairs sil had arrived & told then dh she was taking ds for an hour, she didn't bring him back for four hours, had no bottle with her or nappies. I was just about hysterical, ds was wet through & starving when he was finally brought back. They spoilt all the things you look forward to when you are expecting your first baby. I never got to choose a theme or colours for the nursery, which cot I wanted, they muscled in on everything & exh hadn't got the balls to tell them to back off.

I could have written this. MIL used to take DD off me for hours at a time, to the point it affected my milk supply as I wasn't getting enough time holding her, & by the evening couldn't feed her so we'd struggle to get her to sleep as she was hungry & wanted MIL instead of us (we barely got to hold her during the day - PILs were over all day every day, no exaggeration, they didn't work & lived locally at the time). We started locking the doors & keeping the curtains closed but they just stood in the street, banging on the door & shouting, ringing the phone until we answered. If we were out they demanded to be allowed to pick us up. Obviously DD would wake if she was napping, from the noise, so there was so point lying. We don't have a car so we couldn't go out very far for the day.
It damaged our relationship to the point I left briefly, with DD.
We had wanted 2 or 3 DCs. But a combination of my horrendous pregnancy, difficult birth, & MIL's appalling behaviour has caused me to put my foot down. We have 1 child. It took DH several years to come to terms with it but he should have stood up to his mother TBH & protected me. I'd have got over the crap pregnancy & birth, but his failure to do that feels like a betrayal, & I have some kind of PTSD from the whole experience. He does accept he screwed up though & we're on the same page now. Mostly. He's still apt to give in to his parents occasionally & I have to remind him that he married me, not his mother, & that she treats him/us horribly the second she's done getting time with DD, she always has. I think maybe there's an element of golden child/scapegoat, with DH being the scapegoat, so he's used to being treated badly & just accepting whatever crumbs of attention they throw his way. His DB can do no wrong.
The pandemic has been a fucking gift TBH as they've not been able to "pop round" as much, & as for the fuel situation, I know it's a pain for most people but ... hell yeah!

Everyone one mother’s in their own way, if you want to hold your baby most of the time and take her back when she cries. That’s completely acceptable. If you are happy for people to take your 3 month old for a walk without you, that’s fine too. You are the mother, it’s up to you how you parent your baby. This is all about boundaries and you and your husband need to set them if you are going to have any sanity in this.
It’s normal for a baby to want to stay with their mother for comfort. It’s healthy for the baby to form a strong attachment to you.
I’d get DH to talk to them and simply take your baby back, even when she refuses. If she wants to help she can do the washing or clean the house.
It’s also healthy for you to take some alone, but only when you are comfortable, ie ready to leave baby and also happy with who is caring for your baby. You don’t have to be grateful about their efforts.
The whole “my baby” thing is batshit crazy by the way

@LegoCaltrops wtffffff

YABU. You'll give your right arm for someone to hold your baby whilst you finish your meal in the future. In the nicest possible way, get over yourself. I hope you are not treated with as much distain when you're a grandparent.

What utter BS! Not every mother wants to offload their baby the first chance they get or is every baby going to be cling onto their mum to that severity. Some mums are like that, other mums or not. OP is NOT and wants to have her 11 week old with her for obvious reasons. If OP wants help, she will ask MIL because again it is HER baby.

MIL is seeing this child as hers because she always wanted a girl. That infant is NOT her child and she needs to back off. There’s excitement and there’s utter ridiculousness and ridiculousness is what this is.

I’m so glad I live 400 miles away from my in-laws and never had to deal with such ridiculousness. It is not worth the stress.

@NaturalStudy

YABU. You'll give your right arm for someone to hold your baby whilst you finish your meal in the future. In the nicest possible way, get over yourself. I hope you are not treated with as much distain when you're a grandparent.

Just no. I’m assuming from this you are “that “ MIL who hates her DIL and acted in this same way then wonders why the family go NC.

Mum holds the baby, you do so if asked. Give back at any sign of distress in either or if asked. The clue is in the asked.

Holy shit, this is horrific.

"but MIL grabbed her out of DHs hands, put her in the buggy and ran off towards home with her. I then had to run after her and DD was besides herself when she got home."

She basically abducted your baby.

There'd be absolutely no more unsupervised time with baby anymore if it was my child, and I would be extremely firm about what I was and wasn't okay with when they did visit with us present. If they overstepped then I'd start to create distance and stop seeing them as much. And continue to reduce contact if they didn't start to behave in a normal way. This is horrendous, you don't deserve this OP.

Sadly I think MIL thinks she's being helpful by giving you a break but her behaviour is TOTALLY over the top. My MIL was really similar with our daughter ( first GC and they had sons no daughters).
They forget that bond that feels like your baby is still physically attached to you and your heart and body ache if they're crying and you're prevented from holding them.
Definitely get a sling.

OP, with all these replies, do you feel stronger to take action, e.g. pull back from visits from them and/or for DH to assert that you are a family unit and have boundaries?

[quote mrssunshinexxx]@LegoCaltrops wtffffff[/quote]
I'm not exaggerating. The first time DH told them it wasn't convenient, that they couldn't come in (because DD was either just eating her tea or had just gone down for a nap - they used to wake her up for cuddles & she wouldn't eat when they were there), they basically threw a tantrum. Stormed off in the car, refused to talk to us for about 3 weeks of blissful peace & then turned up but MIL came to the back door & demanded she could take DD out to see FIL in the car for a bit. DH said 5 minutes only & they weren't taking her out anywhere, which is what they'd actually requested. They had another strop at that, lol. I think that was the first time DH realised I wasn't kidding about how much of a pain they were, it hadn't impacted him before & I suspect he thought I was being hormonal, emotional, etc.

They phone first now. Mostly. And DH gives zero fucks when they get the hump if we aren't available at their every whim. They've upset DD before, on purpose, to get back at us for not being available. She's only 9. TBH I'd never see them again for that, but they're not my parents, it's got to be DH's decision.

Sympathy OP - my MIL is one of the “my baby” brigade and keeps wanting us to go out and leave DS with her/ them. MIL managed to engineer a walk out alone with him when he was 6 was old (also 6 wks premature so technically a newborn). She lied and said DH has agreed to it. I was so shocked I didn’t say anything which is unusual. Later discovered that DH hasn’t agreed anything of the sort so he’s been told that if this crops up again it won’t be happening and shows a lack of respect for both of us.

PILs have said they want to visit each month - and there’s a running dialogue / WA group of requests for photos etc etc. They’re exhausting. I do feel they’d be happier if I wasn’t on the scene and they could take the baby away. As it is, they certainly won’t be taking him for a walk on their own again for a very long time. It’s a long game being played here. I ignore the “my baby” comment as it’s designed to provoke. So unpleasant and unnecessary- she did it to her own daughter though who told her it wasn’t her baby so I suppose at least it’s not just me. Bloody woman.