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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get DH and OW in trouble at work?

205 replies

Revenge2021 · 04/10/2021 16:32

Long time lurker, a few posts but NC for this.

DH and I are mid-60s, professionals, no children (by choice). Generally content, or so I thought.

He went into work at the weekend, which was a little unusual but he works in a hospital - they have been so busy lately and he said he wanted to 'get caught up' with work so I thought nothing of it. This afternoon however I got an email from a colleague of his - she's sort of a friend of ours as she's worked with him for years but we're not close friends or anything. She said that she'd gone in on Sunday to catch up on work and seen DH kissing someone in his office and that she thought I ought to know. I immediately rang her and she was very cagey - said that as DH and her work together she didn't want him to know that it came from her but again that 'I ought to know'.

I managed to drag out of her that this woman is a colleague of theirs, mid-40s, also married, with a son. When I pressed her for more details she admitted that she had had suspicions about the two of them as long as 2 years ago when they all went to a conference - she thought they were acting strangely but couldn't confirm anything so didn't tell me!

Has he been having sex with this woman for 2 years?! Or if they were only kissing does that mean that this is as far as it's gone? I am livid and sick and devastated and don't know what to do. I've looked up OW on social media, she's dark haired and slim and pretty and just his type Confused

I was thinking of getting in touch with the line manager of the OW and telling them that she's been having an inappropriate relationship with a colleague, and doing the same with my DH line manager. I would ask them to keep it anonymous so they wouldn't know it came from me or DH colleague. Please don't tell me to LTB I'm 64 and I just can't start again on my own. I just want them both to suffer a bit, I can't think what else to do.

OP posts:
PinkFootstool · 04/10/2021 16:34

Unless they are literally having a sexual relationship during paid hours, it's nothing to do with their employer.

I'm sorry you're hurting but this isn't the way to go with this.

Macncheeseballs · 04/10/2021 16:35

Well I would, fuck em, but I am sure there of plenty of people who will tell you otherwise

TeenMinusTests · 04/10/2021 16:36

If you want to stay together then doing anything that could jeopardise his job seems somewhat foolhardy.

Are relationships at work a no no in the NHS? (It isn't the impression casualty gives!)

When is he due to retire?

SprayedWithDettol · 04/10/2021 16:40

If you divorce and he is out of a job, it might impact you financially - don’t screw with his job (or hers, she has an innocent child).
Just kick his sorry arse out and get to a solicitor.
NB They will have had sex at some point in the last two years.

NCForthisxox · 04/10/2021 16:41

So sorry you're going through this Please don't do this OP no one will really care at work and they will think you are a woman scorned. Keep your dignity if you don't want divorce then he must look for another job or OW does.

Dentistlakes · 04/10/2021 16:42

I would stay quiet and wait until he disappears off to see her again, then turn up to catch them red handed. Scare the shit out of the two of them! Then make them stew about what you’re going to do next.

I probably wouldn’t interfere with work. You may need his income of you decide to get rid of him!

Lunificent · 04/10/2021 16:42

Presuming his affair/affairs will continue, are you willing to live alongside his double life?

MeanderingGently · 04/10/2021 16:42

Well, I would get in touch with the workplace as you suggest, it's inappropriate behaviour on the premises while they are being paid to do a job.
I would also have it out with my DH and demand to know exactly what's going on, suggesting that I'd been "told everything" as he'd been seen at work. I'd personally make them both squirm but that's just me....

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 04/10/2021 16:43

Take it up with your husband by all means but keep his employer out of it. You also have no idea how your husband would respond to that and keeping your marriage intact may not be within your control.

Horst · 04/10/2021 16:44

Annon tip off to the husband. Then confront your husband.

If both you and the other husband are confronting around the same time they will know someone but not who has grassed and go from there with what you want.

girlmom21 · 04/10/2021 16:45

I wouldn't mess with their work - it impacts too many people.

I'd be inclined to tell her husband though.
And confront your own husband and make him squirm.

HollowTalk · 04/10/2021 16:46

He must be close to retirement age, OP. Do you really want to jeopardise his income? If you intend staying with him surely that will have a knock on effect on you?

If she thought it was going on two years earlier and now she's actually seen them kissing, then I'd assume the affair had gone on for two years.

Make up your mind what to do. Get your financial affairs in order. Can you cope with putting your head in the sand about this? That could really backfire on you if he makes the decision to leave.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 04/10/2021 16:47

Why anonymous? Are people really so cowardly these days?

If I were the husband of the OW I would want to know who was giving me this information; anonymous cowards I would ignore.

Farwest · 04/10/2021 16:48

He's been sexually unfaithful for at least 2 years, most likely.

Say nothing. He does not know that you know. Quietly gather all documents and financial details, and see a solicitor.

You have just had a terrible shock, but with a little reflection and time you will realise that leaving him is the only way to preserve your wellbeing. Go see a solicitor, even if you don't think you will leave.

You will. Or he will.

MrsSchadenfreude · 04/10/2021 16:49

What do you want to happen? What would the best outcome be for you?

Macncheeseballs · 04/10/2021 16:51

Teensminustest, op may not be reliant upon his salary, or do you mean he'll be pissed off she exposed his shitty behaviour at work?

Ozanj · 04/10/2021 16:52

I would definitely get in touch with the employer. NHS trusts of have codes of conduct for senior positions & conducting an affair on office premises may mean an automatic dismissal.

icedcoffees · 04/10/2021 16:55

I don't think it's appropriate to start involving his work, to be honest.

If you (understandably) want to end the relationship then do that, but I don't think it's..right to drag work etc. into it. It's not relevant.

SouthSideSally · 04/10/2021 16:55

Just sort out your own situation OP. Can you hand on heart live with this for the rest of your life? Will you be able to trust him whenever he leaves the house? Will you be able to look back on memories of the past two years without wondering if it was going on then? Will you be able to forgive him completely? If not then staying with him will damage you. You'll be the one who suffers in the long term.

I can understand the desire to do something in the face of feeling utterly powerless, but you're not powerless. Telling his workplace will actually set a series of events in motion that you will have no control over.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/10/2021 16:55

No one will care I’m afraid OP
I know you want to hurt them
But neither will get into trouble realistically

I don’t know what to say to comfort you
But this isn’t the way

Andrewthecharminbumwiper · 04/10/2021 16:56

I'm really sorry this has happened but very much doubt telling the workplace would achieve anything. The witness has apparently told you because she wanted to do the right thing by you as the spouse, I doubt she would corroborate your account and get involved at work. It is also probably not a disciplinary offence to kiss a colleague, albeit it's not ideal doing it on work time, and that's all you have any proof of. It's understandable you are reeling, especially with the knowledge that this may have been going on 2 years, but I don't think this is the right way forward. I think you need to think really carefully what you want. Do you have anyone in real life to speak to?

DameMaureen · 04/10/2021 16:57

@Revenge2021

Long time lurker, a few posts but NC for this.

DH and I are mid-60s, professionals, no children (by choice). Generally content, or so I thought.

He went into work at the weekend, which was a little unusual but he works in a hospital - they have been so busy lately and he said he wanted to 'get caught up' with work so I thought nothing of it. This afternoon however I got an email from a colleague of his - she's sort of a friend of ours as she's worked with him for years but we're not close friends or anything. She said that she'd gone in on Sunday to catch up on work and seen DH kissing someone in his office and that she thought I ought to know. I immediately rang her and she was very cagey - said that as DH and her work together she didn't want him to know that it came from her but again that 'I ought to know'.

I managed to drag out of her that this woman is a colleague of theirs, mid-40s, also married, with a son. When I pressed her for more details she admitted that she had had suspicions about the two of them as long as 2 years ago when they all went to a conference - she thought they were acting strangely but couldn't confirm anything so didn't tell me!

Has he been having sex with this woman for 2 years?! Or if they were only kissing does that mean that this is as far as it's gone? I am livid and sick and devastated and don't know what to do. I've looked up OW on social media, she's dark haired and slim and pretty and just his type Confused

I was thinking of getting in touch with the line manager of the OW and telling them that she's been having an inappropriate relationship with a colleague, and doing the same with my DH line manager. I would ask them to keep it anonymous so they wouldn't know it came from me or DH colleague. Please don't tell me to LTB I'm 64 and I just can't start again on my own. I just want them both to suffer a bit, I can't think what else to do.

Why would you do this when you don't even know the facts ?

You're 64 and can't start again on your own ? You would rather have a cheating husband ?

Macncheeseballs · 04/10/2021 16:58

Jeez, let's all.overlook the Perry 60 year old having an affair with a work v9lleague 3

Orangejuicemarathoner · 04/10/2021 16:58

complete rubbish - my parents worked for the NHS and met at work. Its not works business at all, there is nothing they could or would do, it is simply nothing to do with them.

StripeyBadger · 04/10/2021 16:58

I’m sorry, this must be a horrible shock. I would expect the affair has been going for at least two years and yes, I expect they have been having sex throughout the affair.

Do gather all financial information and everything together because even if you don’t want to leave him, he may be planning a retirement with her. Be prepared for any outcome.