AIBU to get DH and OW in trouble at work?

[Revenge2021]

Long time lurker, a few posts but NC for this.

DH and I are mid-60s, professionals, no children (by choice). Generally content, or so I thought.

He went into work at the weekend, which was a little unusual but he works in a hospital - they have been so busy lately and he said he wanted to 'get caught up' with work so I thought nothing of it. This afternoon however I got an email from a colleague of his - she's sort of a friend of ours as she's worked with him for years but we're not close friends or anything. She said that she'd gone in on Sunday to catch up on work and seen DH kissing someone in his office and that she thought I ought to know. I immediately rang her and she was very cagey - said that as DH and her work together she didn't want him to know that it came from her but again that 'I ought to know'.

I managed to drag out of her that this woman is a colleague of theirs, mid-40s, also married, with a son. When I pressed her for more details she admitted that she had had suspicions about the two of them as long as 2 years ago when they all went to a conference - she thought they were acting strangely but couldn't confirm anything so didn't tell me!

Has he been having sex with this woman for 2 years?! Or if they were only kissing does that mean that this is as far as it's gone? I am livid and sick and devastated and don't know what to do. I've looked up OW on social media, she's dark haired and slim and pretty and just his type

I was thinking of getting in touch with the line manager of the OW and telling them that she's been having an inappropriate relationship with a colleague, and doing the same with my DH line manager. I would ask them to keep it anonymous so they wouldn't know it came from me or DH colleague. Please don't tell me to LTB I'm 64 and I just can't start again on my own. I just want them both to suffer a bit, I can't think what else to do.

I don't really understand your logic.

If you make a fuss at his workplace then he will likely find out it came from you so the affair will be in the open. You then say that you don't want to leave him.

FWIW I wouldn't bring work into it. The issue is between the two of you. If he has been having an affair, you need to talk and you need to think about what you want to happen next.

Thanks everyone for your comments and support.

He texted to say he'd be a little late home (not at all unusual, it's been his pattern of work for decades but obviously in my mind he's been off fucking her) so I had a large glass of wine and took myself off to bed with a book. He's home now and I can hear him pottering downstairs. Everything seems so normal but how can it be ever again?

Thinking about it, the majority of you who have said not to contact line managers are right, I was just in shock and really not thinking straight. I won't do that.

To answer some posters, I've really given it some thought but I can't put my finger on any unusual behaviour over the last few weeks/months, or ever really. He's not been behaving like someone having an affair. I have no reason not to believe the colleague who contacted me, I don't think she'd have any reason to lie or embellish things. But you're right, I have no proof and don't know anything for certain.

It would be hard to get proof. I don't know any of his passwords. He's not really on social media. I could try to swipe his phone when it's unlocked but that would be risky. I don't think his colleague will give me any more information (I don't think she knows anything else anyway).

About the OW, I have no real way of contacting her DH - I don't know his name even.

I'm just tired and sad now. I'm going to sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning.

NHS manger and I'd have no power to dismiss staff for a consentual relationship. Loads of staff meet partners at work. We don't have time to meet them anywhere else

I'm so sorry but it's pointless letting their line managers know, there's nothing that company can do. If 2 grown adults want to start a relationship a company can't stop them I'm afraid.

@Willyoujustbequiet

I know a couple of people in the public sector who have lost their jobs through stuff like this so it's not true to say the employers won't be interested. Breach of conduct and all that.

I'd do it and tell the husband too. Gloves are off.

That sounds drastic. I'm with @Arrowheart.

I know of a wife of a Consultant that was having an affair with the Sister... wife went into the work place. It was gossip galore... OW (sister) still swanned around like nothing ever happened... neither got sacked OW or Consultant. I worked on the ward next door.

Management probably know tbh.

In your original post you say you'd looked up the OW on social media. Maybe you can find her DH via her sm friends/connections?
Good decision though to sleep on it and not contact his work. I wouldn't confront him yet either but would definitely do some snooping around. You could always tell him you feel he's been "off" lately (even if that's not the case) and demand his phone then and there to check. If he's got nothing to hide he should have no problem handing it over.
So sorry for what you are going through.

Depending on the employer and what the rules are in that workplace, their employer might not care. I work in a hospital and colleagues are often in relationships with each other (within and between departments). As long as it doesn’t affect their working relationships or the functioning of the team(s) they work in there is no action to be taken. Work won’t discipline someone for having an extra-marital affair, unless there is misconduct in the workplace- and presumably evidence of that.

Even if their employer would take action if they knew, what proof do you have (other than an email)? Surely they could simply deny it- even if their employer has suspicions they can’t take action based on your third hand information. You could forward the email sent by their colleague- but they could still deny it so you would have to get the woman who told you to back you up- do you really want to drag her into it?

If you aren’t going to leave, there is no point in “punishing” them by trying to ruin careers. It may well be shooting yourself in the foot financially.

You’ve had a shock. I assume it’s true and this woman is not just causing trouble/has an axe to grind? It does seem a lot of trouble to go to on her part if it isn’t, but always worth checking out. I think you need to tell him what you know and work it out, one way or the other (I.e. agree to continue the marriage with work to be done on rebuilding, or decide to call it a day). Or simply leave him. What other option do you have? Carry on and quietly seethe, plotting revenge and how to get back at him? Or say nothing, but stay and try to live with it. I can’t imagine the latter 2 options will be good for your happiness and self-esteem. Far better to call it a day now, or see if you can work through it.

@Revenge2021

Thanks everyone for your comments and support.

He texted to say he'd be a little late home (not at all unusual, it's been his pattern of work for decades but obviously in my mind he's been off fucking her) so I had a large glass of wine and took myself off to bed with a book. He's home now and I can hear him pottering downstairs. Everything seems so normal but how can it be ever again?

Thinking about it, the majority of you who have said not to contact line managers are right, I was just in shock and really not thinking straight. I won't do that.

To answer some posters, I've really given it some thought but I can't put my finger on any unusual behaviour over the last few weeks/months, or ever really. He's not been behaving like someone having an affair. I have no reason not to believe the colleague who contacted me, I don't think she'd have any reason to lie or embellish things. But you're right, I have no proof and don't know anything for certain.

It would be hard to get proof. I don't know any of his passwords. He's not really on social media. I could try to swipe his phone when it's unlocked but that would be risky. I don't think his colleague will give me any more information (I don't think she knows anything else anyway).

About the OW, I have no real way of contacting her DH - I don't know his name even.

I'm just tired and sad now. I'm going to sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning.

Try to sleep on it as you say, but why not TALK to him in the morning? Neither of you are teenies, but grown-ups! You also mention "decades" - why is a direct talk so difficult?

I don't think that you need proof though. You've been given more than enough information to know that it is almost certainly true, hence why you feel so sad. You're now not wanting it to be true either because that seemingly makes life easier. But it won't. You can't just brush this under the carpet and you deserve so much better. And yes, you most certainly can start over at 64.

I think the colleague seeing him is proof.

I feel sad for you op. You’re not going to say anything are you? Just pretend you don’t know and carry on. 💐

I don't think I could physically stop myself from saying something. I can't do secrets.
I don't know how you're managing to sleep on it either.
Please don't just pretend this isn't happening. It'll drive you mad!

The likelihood is that all the colleagues know or suspect anyway. They won't care anyway.

Think carefully about what outcome you want here.

If you tell her husband and they split up then your husband might leave you for her. Is that what you want?

Nah I was report the sods to work kissing at work in the office is being inappropriate, then I would contact ows husband and inform him then I would pack up my dhs shit and kick him out you are 64 not 94 you can do this get your life back and dont take his crap

Even if you contacted their employer, the employer simply wouldn't care. People behave in this filthy manner all the time at work.

I would not say anything to your h, to avoid dropping the informant in the shit. You have proof, and the proof fits exactly with your experience of the situation, there is no need to go searching for more.

You don't have to leave him if you don't want to. But you will have to accept that he's a cheating piece of shit.

Unfortunately I don't think that his work can do anything if they are both consenting adults.

I am sorry, OP. You must be devastated. You don't have to make any decisions right now.

I’d ask to use his phone, on the guise that yours is lost / broken, and see how he reacts.

Sadly I’d agree, all his colleagues know. The woman who told you was being gentle, but they all know, it’s not hidden that’s why she’s told you.

So sorry OP. What an awful shock. I think you need to protect yourself. You say you don't want to split but could you live with a man who loves somebody else? Get sorted out financially so if/ when a split happens you can go on and make the best life for yourself. You deserve better than this. Much love xx

...

I'm so sorry the pain of betrayal is just awful. I'd see a solicitor and start making sure you can access all the financial type information you need while he isn't aware you know. Then confront him.

Jeeze HQ I was ...
Oh never mind
I give up

If you want to remain married, just go out and find someone nice to flirt with. Go out lots, be unavailable to answer the phone, and so on.
He may start chasing you back, or you will get a new exciting life. Whichever way you win.
But, I think you would do better leaving him straight away, and setting home on your very own. You can do anything you want. Are you close to retirement? You could travel, get hobbies you never had time to, go dancing, reading, list is endless!
Why do you want to stick by this man? It will steal your joy. You may have more money, but you are going to feel cheated on every single day. It is not worthy.