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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get DH and OW in trouble at work?

205 replies

Revenge2021 · 04/10/2021 16:32

Long time lurker, a few posts but NC for this.

DH and I are mid-60s, professionals, no children (by choice). Generally content, or so I thought.

He went into work at the weekend, which was a little unusual but he works in a hospital - they have been so busy lately and he said he wanted to 'get caught up' with work so I thought nothing of it. This afternoon however I got an email from a colleague of his - she's sort of a friend of ours as she's worked with him for years but we're not close friends or anything. She said that she'd gone in on Sunday to catch up on work and seen DH kissing someone in his office and that she thought I ought to know. I immediately rang her and she was very cagey - said that as DH and her work together she didn't want him to know that it came from her but again that 'I ought to know'.

I managed to drag out of her that this woman is a colleague of theirs, mid-40s, also married, with a son. When I pressed her for more details she admitted that she had had suspicions about the two of them as long as 2 years ago when they all went to a conference - she thought they were acting strangely but couldn't confirm anything so didn't tell me!

Has he been having sex with this woman for 2 years?! Or if they were only kissing does that mean that this is as far as it's gone? I am livid and sick and devastated and don't know what to do. I've looked up OW on social media, she's dark haired and slim and pretty and just his type Confused

I was thinking of getting in touch with the line manager of the OW and telling them that she's been having an inappropriate relationship with a colleague, and doing the same with my DH line manager. I would ask them to keep it anonymous so they wouldn't know it came from me or DH colleague. Please don't tell me to LTB I'm 64 and I just can't start again on my own. I just want them both to suffer a bit, I can't think what else to do.

OP posts:
Fadingout · 04/10/2021 16:59

Oh OP this is awful. I would take a few hours/a day to think about how to approach it. I can see why you’d want to tell their work, I can see understand how hurt and angry you must be. But I’d put a plan together. Do you have anyone you can lean on?

Macncheeseballs · 04/10/2021 16:59

Sent to soon! - the pervy 60 year old having an affair with work colleague 20 years younger!

MissCreeAnt · 04/10/2021 17:00

Don't involve their line managers. Is it even a professional matter? My line manager couldn't care less who I'm sleeping with. I know it's personally devastating to you but that doesn't mean it will cause him any suffering at work. He might even get "good on you, son" type comments.

Also don't put your trust in his LM to hold a confidence. Remember they have a relationship with him but not you. Line managers are human, they can let pregnancies etc out of the bag unwittingly. Don't trust someone you don't know, who owes you nothing, with anything you want kept private. And this could blow up hugely in your face if anyone tells him, or suspects, that you tried to get him in trouble at work.

StripeyBadger · 04/10/2021 17:00

@Orangejuicemarathoner

complete rubbish - my parents worked for the NHS and met at work. Its not works business at all, there is nothing they could or would do, it is simply nothing to do with them.
That’s not true if they are claiming pay during working hours/overtime when they are having sex or foreplay instead.
Iloveabourbon2 · 04/10/2021 17:00

You haven't actually stated if your ready to end things with your DH? If your not I would not take it upon yourself to talk to OW DH.

badgerswitharms · 04/10/2021 17:02

Echoing what others have said - unless they've been banging on works time and he's a surgeon etc and affected his work they won't care. This isn't uncommon in the NHS, I worked on a mental health ward where at least 3 affairs were running in parallel.

You need to decide how you feel about it. Even if you blow up this relationship it's likely he'll find another.

Outbutnotoutout · 04/10/2021 17:03

I would check his phone get evidence and tell her husband.

Then let him stew over your next move.

Izzy24 · 04/10/2021 17:04

HOLD ON!

You’re contemplating doing all this on the say so of someone who else?

You have no idea whether she may have an agenda of her own- with your husband, the other woman or both of them.

If it’s unusual for your husband to go in on a Sunday is it unusual for her to be there too?

It may be something or nothing but try to keep still until you have a better idea of

What’s really going on (if anything)

And more importantly- what outcome do you want if something is going on?

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 04/10/2021 17:04

Playing devil's advocate here, but are you sure the woman who wrote to you is telling the truth? Could she have feelings for your husband, he rejected her so she's out to cause trouble? Could she be jealous of his position at work and want to cause trouble for him? Do you have any reason other than this to suspect he is cheating? Rather than go charging off to his (their) employer I would either confront him with her story and see what he says or do some checking up on him first.

StoneColdBitch · 04/10/2021 17:05

With the greatest of respect, have you actually thought this through for more than a second? Do you really want to risk him losing his job, which may have a huge impact on the financial settlement? You may feel good for a moment if you get him suspended/sacked, but you won't feel good if he gets a greater share of assets in the divorce because he's unemployed, or if you miss out on spousal maintenance (if eligible) because you got him sacked.

If you blow the whistle on their relationship, you risk losing control of the situation. Once it's all out in the open he may choose to leave you for her. Even if he doesn't leave you for her, he may choose to end the marriage himself if you're the reason he gets sacked!

Before anyone says this is fanciful - DH's ex caused a lot of trouble for him when they separated, and even after they divorced. He went off sick with stress and, largely due to the mental ill-health she caused him, is now largely a stay-at-home parent to our children, with just a very part-time low-stress job. Said ex now receives far less child maintenance than she did when DH was in his well-paid job (we do still pay more than the CMS calculator suggests based on his income, before anyone chips in to tell us off).

NotPersephone · 04/10/2021 17:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 04/10/2021 17:05

Why on earth wouldn't you just talk to you husband about what you have been told? Why run (anonymously) to his line manager and her line manager? You are both mid-sixties, why can't you just talk to him and take it from there?

WellLarDeDar · 04/10/2021 17:06

Without any proof, like a photo or willing witness you wont get very far contacting their managers. Lashing out might be satisfyingly but ultimately it's only going to feed your suffering and it wont help you.

Macncheeseballs · 04/10/2021 17:08

Igiveupallthenames, so basically asking her dh to be open and honest?

EmeraldShamrock · 04/10/2021 17:09

If they're having sexual contact during working hours I'm sure their employer would be intetested.
Don't phone them, I'd print flyers and stick them on their parked cars in work.
What a dickhead OP. Flowers

Stoic123 · 04/10/2021 17:10

Don't do anything until you've had time to reflect a bit on what you ultimately want. "Act in haste, repent at leisure" as the saying goes.

This must be horrible for you.

FrownedUpon · 04/10/2021 17:11

You’re not seriously going to stay with him are you? He’s been having sex with another woman. Please have some self respect & don’t put up with this crap. What a horrible man.

BluebellsGreenbells · 04/10/2021 17:12

So you want his work to do the dirty work for you? What makes you think it impacts their work? Have they slipped off in the afternoons?

You need to step up and do some research, bank statements, till receipts, and ask him directly!

Mummapenguin20 · 04/10/2021 17:16

Id be pulling up your dh

TimeToDateAgain · 04/10/2021 17:17

Please don't tell me to LTB I'm 64 and I just can't start again on my own. I just want them both to suffer a bit, I

The shock is understandable. What you propose is not a solution and is likely to precipitate a split which is likely to be on their terms and not yours.

BornIn78 · 04/10/2021 17:17

If the NHS is their employer they won’t give even the tiniest shit about this.

I’ve worked for the NHS in the past, affairs are rife, being seen snogging in an office isn’t a sackable offence, I’ve known colleagues who have conducted their affairs using work emails, work phones, and in work time, and absolutely nothing happened to them.

It sounds like your ‘friend’ won’t be reporting it, and you want to report it as second hand information and also anonymously, the worst that will happen is that your husband gets a heads up to be more careful in future.

LemonTT · 04/10/2021 17:19

It’s not a line management issue unless the witness comes forward and reports the incident. It would be investigated if somehow the witness felt it was inappropriate behaviour in her presence and someone else agreed. Chances of any real management action are zero. Plus they all know and your intervention will just be a new line of gossip.

If you tell her husband then her marriage could be in jeopardy which immediately puts your marriage in jeopardy because she will be single. As a couple with 2 decent incomes they will easily start over.

Overall there is a good chance rash action here will allow them to set up comfortably as a couple. Worse case scenario for them is that they end up single and divorced like you and the woman’s husband.

It’s unlikely you will cause trouble at work. Just chaos in your own life.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 04/10/2021 17:21

@Macncheeseballs

Igiveupallthenames, so basically asking her dh to be open and honest?
At least being open herself and letting him know what she has been told. Maybe he will be open and honest when confronted but maybe not. She won't know that until she confronts him. I can't imagine wanting to immediately run off to my husband's line manager on the basis of "gossip" and unproven information. What has it got to do with place of work? even it it did happen on the premises, if she had been told it happened in a pub, on a street corner, in the local co-op then who would she report to?
TrollsAreSaddos · 04/10/2021 17:22

I’d want to be sure what is actually happening before doing anything. Maybe check his phone?

TumtumTree · 04/10/2021 17:23

Oh OP, how awful for you.

I don't think I would tell anyone at his work. If something happened when he went in on a Sunday (and isn't paid to be there), I'm not sure that his manager would care. Think of yourself instead. Even if you don't want to leave, you could maybe start preparing yourself so that if things do end, you're better prepared.