AIBU to get DH and OW in trouble at work?

[Revenge2021]

Long time lurker, a few posts but NC for this.

DH and I are mid-60s, professionals, no children (by choice). Generally content, or so I thought.

He went into work at the weekend, which was a little unusual but he works in a hospital - they have been so busy lately and he said he wanted to 'get caught up' with work so I thought nothing of it. This afternoon however I got an email from a colleague of his - she's sort of a friend of ours as she's worked with him for years but we're not close friends or anything. She said that she'd gone in on Sunday to catch up on work and seen DH kissing someone in his office and that she thought I ought to know. I immediately rang her and she was very cagey - said that as DH and her work together she didn't want him to know that it came from her but again that 'I ought to know'.

I managed to drag out of her that this woman is a colleague of theirs, mid-40s, also married, with a son. When I pressed her for more details she admitted that she had had suspicions about the two of them as long as 2 years ago when they all went to a conference - she thought they were acting strangely but couldn't confirm anything so didn't tell me!

Has he been having sex with this woman for 2 years?! Or if they were only kissing does that mean that this is as far as it's gone? I am livid and sick and devastated and don't know what to do. I've looked up OW on social media, she's dark haired and slim and pretty and just his type

I was thinking of getting in touch with the line manager of the OW and telling them that she's been having an inappropriate relationship with a colleague, and doing the same with my DH line manager. I would ask them to keep it anonymous so they wouldn't know it came from me or DH colleague. Please don't tell me to LTB I'm 64 and I just can't start again on my own. I just want them both to suffer a bit, I can't think what else to do.

I don't think anyone has asked this - but do you still have affection for each other? Something has obviously gone wrong in your relationship - are you taking each other for granted? Would it be worth attempting to revive whatever brought you both together in the first place? Without hinting that you know he's having an affair, could you perhaps say to him that you feel you're growing apart and would it be good to spend more quality time together - have a date night every now and then; go somewhere nice at the weekend - that sort of thing. Perhaps he's feeling that you don't care about him any more and that's why he's embarked on the affair.

Is this even true?

Do not contact work - not only is there nothing they can do but also you need time to process this without the entire world knowing.
Stop looking her up on Facebook too, it will do no good and you’re hearing this from someone else who may have got the wrong person etc.

Wait until he gets home and confront him and demand he tells you the entire truth which he would give to you if he cares about your feelings at all.

Just speak to your DH about your concerns and ask if he wants a divorce.

It may not even be true. If it is, their affair may not be affecting their personal performance at work.

Get your own finances in order and - if it true - start asking yourself what you would want out of life and get your finances sorted out.

My sympathies if it is true, but being undignified and involving their workplace is not the way to go.

So you want to stay with him?

Then really there's nothing you can do. Anything you do that exposes their sordid little affair may result in them deciding to walk out on their respective marriages.

People are going to advise you to leave because the alternative is to stay with someone who thinks so little of you that they could behave so badly but if you don't want to then there's really no point adding to the chorus of LTB and really all you can do is accept that he's very probably fucking someone else and just try to live the rest of your days pretending you don't know and hoping he will stay content to get whatever he's getting from her then coming home to you.

I don't think that's going to be in any way a happy life for you, do you?

Change is scary at any age.
At the very least you might want to begin preparing for a life on your own so you are not left financially screwed if he does decide to leave for her.

Do it OP! Get angry! Tell the husband too!

I can't believe anyone thinks the NHS would be interested. Relationships start at work all the time . There is no evidence anything was happening during work time.

Keep your dignity OP. I know how tempting revenge is, but it is not the answer here. In your place, I’d check finances and see a solicitor ASAP in case he’s preparing to divorce you. You don’t want him to catch you on the back foot.

As long as it's not against his job contract to have a relationship with a colleague - why not?

At least it will make him squirm to know that he's been seen.

Very likely he won’t admit it if you confront him and you will end up having to throw this colleague under the bus for telling you (as he’ll be able to narrow down who it was). She needs protecting at all costs, what a brave thing to do knowing it could very well come back on her!

Either:
a) contact the husband, meet up with him and the two of you follow them on their next outing so you can both catch them red handed.
b) dont contact the husband and just snoop on them, gather evidence and confront him yourself
c) send vague anonymous letters to both of them every few weeks just to make them on edge the whole time
d) stay with him, say nothing and spend the rest of your life second guessing every time he leaves the house. The doubt will eventually wear you down, it won’t be the same again ☹️

You need tangible proof that this is an affair to be sure of yourself.

You have just one person’s comments & observations, & people do make mistakes even make things up.

Don’t obsess over this - no matter how hurt or upset you are - but pay attention to what is going on between you, is he keeping odd hours at work, spending extra money etc.

Have you got cause for concern? Yes they may be very close & snog when they think no-one is looking, bad enough & hurtful BUT is this enough to tear up the carpet?

If you have good evidence to confirm the gossip, the firstly get good legal advice for a family law specialist about what would happen if you decide to take matters further.

So far, all you have is the word of someone who thought that you ought to know that she thought she saw two colleagues kissing &, when you pushed her for detail, she said that maybe they might have got together at a conference a couple of years ago. I get the sense that you pushed her hard & that’s what she came up with. She is not a close friend, you cannot know how reliable she is or where she is at.

Until this person contacted you, you said that you though that things between you & your were OK.

Unbidden, someone has chucked fireworks through the letterbox of your marriage. Very alarming & upsetting. BUT be sure of things before you take action to assuage your hurt.

I work in a hospital and it would not have any impact on an individual’s career unless their work was impacted. We’ve had a few cases in my time and I’ve never known anyone lose their job for an affair. My opinion of them is lowered but sleeping with a colleague when married doesn’t mean you can’t do your job.

Well, I wouldn’t recommend staying with him. But if that’s what you want then I wouldn’t be telling anybody. Once the cat is out of the bag, and work knows, and her husband knows, then they have nothing to loose and you may push them together.

If you do not want to divorce him, ignore the whole affair

If you do want a divorce, ruin him.

Don't be the woman who think she has gained power over her husbands affair because she can make them "suffer a bit". If he loves OW, he maY already have made a decision about your marriage.

Is this his first affair? Be honest?

Get proof, hard evidence before you start believing the words of an anonymous caller. I seriously would be wary in your shoes. You don’t know whether this is fact or fiction, or where the caller’s motives and allegiance’s lie.

Don’t automatically assume the worst. And certainty don’t have a knee-jerk reaction & go contacting the employer.

Tread carefully. Do some digging. Don’t assume what you’ve heard is necessarily true. People can be bitter for all sorts of reasons, it might be that the caller herself has an issue afoot.

If the NHS sacked every member of staff who shagged other members of staff there'd be an even bigger staffing crisis
Regardless of the morality of the situation management won't give a shit

send vague anonymous letters to both of them every few weeks just to make them on edge the whole time

In what possible universe could doing this accomplish anything positive for OP?

If you really want to work things out with your husband, doing something sneaky is surely the wrong way to go about it. Speak to your DH calmly and take the upper hand, OP,

@Macncheeseballs

Arrowheart, dirty shagger then? equally you have a strange idea of what's funny if you think wife will be the laughing stock is she rings up - I wouldn't be laughing

She would be a laughing stock though. She would look stupid and lack dignity calling up his work and sharing this. They probably already know and more than likely couldn't care less.

‘Please don’t tell me to LTB’

Wake up. Stop being taken for a mug. He might well decide to leave you.

I appreciate this is a nasty shock but get your financials in order and have a bit of self respect.

I know a couple of people in the public sector who have lost their jobs through stuff like this so it's not true to say the employers won't be interested. Breach of conduct and all that.

I'd do it and tell the husband too. Gloves are off.

I think your expecting the employer to act like some moral higher power that will issue and formal warning / ultimatum and then they’ll fall back into line. It won’t work like that unfortunately, you have to go talk to him like an adult.

Tbh op may not actually get a choice in whether her marriage survives. He might just choose to leave her.

I can't imagine a person in their 60s with a username such as hers 🤔

Get your ducks in a row.

Ask him about it.

Then based on his response, make your decision about whether you want to be in your marriage or not.

It’s this simple.

I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this position.

I would ask MN to move your thread to relationships.

I also wouldn’t contact management etc, even though it might make you feel better briefly, you will regret it.