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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get DH and OW in trouble at work?

205 replies

Revenge2021 · 04/10/2021 16:32

Long time lurker, a few posts but NC for this.

DH and I are mid-60s, professionals, no children (by choice). Generally content, or so I thought.

He went into work at the weekend, which was a little unusual but he works in a hospital - they have been so busy lately and he said he wanted to 'get caught up' with work so I thought nothing of it. This afternoon however I got an email from a colleague of his - she's sort of a friend of ours as she's worked with him for years but we're not close friends or anything. She said that she'd gone in on Sunday to catch up on work and seen DH kissing someone in his office and that she thought I ought to know. I immediately rang her and she was very cagey - said that as DH and her work together she didn't want him to know that it came from her but again that 'I ought to know'.

I managed to drag out of her that this woman is a colleague of theirs, mid-40s, also married, with a son. When I pressed her for more details she admitted that she had had suspicions about the two of them as long as 2 years ago when they all went to a conference - she thought they were acting strangely but couldn't confirm anything so didn't tell me!

Has he been having sex with this woman for 2 years?! Or if they were only kissing does that mean that this is as far as it's gone? I am livid and sick and devastated and don't know what to do. I've looked up OW on social media, she's dark haired and slim and pretty and just his type Confused

I was thinking of getting in touch with the line manager of the OW and telling them that she's been having an inappropriate relationship with a colleague, and doing the same with my DH line manager. I would ask them to keep it anonymous so they wouldn't know it came from me or DH colleague. Please don't tell me to LTB I'm 64 and I just can't start again on my own. I just want them both to suffer a bit, I can't think what else to do.

OP posts:
Jenufer · 04/10/2021 21:51

OP, I am probably nearer to your age than to that of many of the people who post on MN now (have been here for 20 years).

You're evidently not going to report them to anyone. It would be a bad idea to to this, as you know.

However, I think lots of posters here have overlooked the fact that divorcing when you're in your 50s, never mind 60s, isn't just a case of "LTB" and make sure you get half of everything. It's all a hideous muddle, but relationships are not straightforward. It's easy to think when you're in your 20s that infidelity is black and white - but it isn't. And not everyone wants to go off and forge a new identity (sexual or otherwise) in their 60s. What a lot of people want is quiet contentment, and it's a horrible upheaval to find that this might not be your lot, OP.

As PP have said, why did this friend tell you? What did she have to gain? I might have told a friend this 30 years ago - but would I tell now? I'm not so sure.

I know this isn't much help, though.

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2021 21:53

As PP have said, why did this friend tell you? What did she have to gain? I might have told a friend this 30 years ago - but would I tell now? I'm not so sure

My guess is it’s open, everyone knows. And it got to thr level the colleague couldn’t see her humiliated further.

drpet49 · 04/10/2021 22:08

** You need tangible proof that this is an affair to be sure of yourself.

You have just one person’s comments & observations, & people do make mistakes even make things up.**

^The most sensible comment I have seen on this thread. Take note OP and calm down.

starfishmummy · 04/10/2021 22:11

I've really given it some thought but I can't put my finger on any unusual behaviour over the last few weeks/months, or ever really.

It would be hard to get proof*

There is always the scenario that the person who phoned you has her own agenda and is shit stirring for some reason.

In your shoes I would be waiting and watching very carefully but biding my time and at the same time making my own arrangements in case

MsDogLady · 04/10/2021 22:13

I’m sorry, OP. I know you are reeling.

I would consider this reliable friend’s witness statement as proof and wouldn’t need anything more. She knows what she saw and had the courage to do the right thing. Her suspicions from 2 years ago have proven to be correct. Your H has been cheating for years.

Surely you will confront him. You don’t have to reveal your source. H has been making a fool of you in public for quite a while, so there will be others at work and elsewhere who have witnessed his infidelity and disloyalty.

Are you in a position to tell him to leave for a while? He needs to feel the loss of you and you need time/space to make decisions. You may want to consider counseling to help you.navigate these waters. Flowers

PurpleOkapi · 04/10/2021 22:20

I know someone who left her husband, with whom she had young children, because her "best friend" told her he was cheating. He wasn't - the "best friend" wanted to break them up because she wanted him for herself. That was years ago, and all of this is out in the open now. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but I think it's madness for OP to go straight from one person telling her this to plotting ways to extract revenge, without even pausing to ask him about it or attempt to verify anything.

Jenufer · 04/10/2021 22:21

@Bluntness100

As PP have said, why did this friend tell you? What did she have to gain? I might have told a friend this 30 years ago - but would I tell now? I'm not so sure

My guess is it’s open, everyone knows. And it got to thr level the colleague couldn’t see her humiliated further.

But that is, as you say, just a guess, @Bluntness100

Which is all we and the OP can do at the moment. Who knows whose guess is correct?

I do know, though, that if I had got to 64 and XH's worst crime had been a mundane workplace affair, I'm not sure I'd have ended a very long marriage over it.

Lifeispassingby · 04/10/2021 22:28

I feel for you OP, and I can imagine how sad you are feeling. Sending you a hug (very unmumsnet lol) and hope you make the right decision for YOU whatever that may be xx

VanGoghsDog · 04/10/2021 22:32

Why does your husband's colleague have your email address?

expat101 · 04/10/2021 22:46

I would start turning up to his work unexpectedly. See how he reacts with you in front of colleagues. If there is no change in his behaviour while you are there, then I suspect the colleague has got things wrong or has another agenda.

However, I do wonder if he has told them you and he are separated and thus why he feels comfortable kissing this woman at the workplace. Mind you, a peck on the cheek for a favour done is a bit different than a passionate one.

Go in and see how he reacts to seeing you at work.

Bluejeanjen · 04/10/2021 22:47

Start siphoning off the money op. Keep quiet but make sure you squirrel away what you can. Then If he leaves you or you leave him, you’ve got a nice bit of dough to help you

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2021 22:56

I do know, though, that if I had got to 64 and XH's worst crime had been a mundane workplace affair, I'm not sure I'd have ended a very long marriage over it.

Very few affairs are mundane, and clearly by the thread very few people would agree with you, personally I’d not put up with an affair, but I totally understand why some would.

DerAlteMann · 04/10/2021 23:16

Why would the NHS care if two employees kissed each other at work, in what they thought was somewhere where they were alone in private?

DerAlteMann · 04/10/2021 23:18

@VanGoghsDog

Why does your husband's colleague have your email address?
Why not? I have the emails of a number of my long term colleagues' partners and spouses.
VanGoghsDog · 04/10/2021 23:20

Why not? I have the emails of a number of my long term colleagues' partners and spouses.

What's it got to do with you? I'm asking the OP.

earthyfire · 05/10/2021 09:41

No I wouldn't contact his employers however, if it were my husband I wold just ask him outright, I'd know just by the look on my husband's face when he replied whether something was going on or not.

Belladonna12 · 05/10/2021 10:36

@Jenufer

OP, I am probably nearer to your age than to that of many of the people who post on MN now (have been here for 20 years).

You're evidently not going to report them to anyone. It would be a bad idea to to this, as you know.

However, I think lots of posters here have overlooked the fact that divorcing when you're in your 50s, never mind 60s, isn't just a case of "LTB" and make sure you get half of everything. It's all a hideous muddle, but relationships are not straightforward. It's easy to think when you're in your 20s that infidelity is black and white - but it isn't. And not everyone wants to go off and forge a new identity (sexual or otherwise) in their 60s. What a lot of people want is quiet contentment, and it's a horrible upheaval to find that this might not be your lot, OP.

As PP have said, why did this friend tell you? What did she have to gain? I might have told a friend this 30 years ago - but would I tell now? I'm not so sure.

I know this isn't much help, though.

I disagree that it's harder to LTB when you're older. If anything it's easier. Children are more likely to have left home and things are easier financially. Divorces are increasing among people in their late 50s and sixties, unlike the rest of the population.
IAmTheLovechildOfYvesAndIsabel · 05/10/2021 10:55

I hope you were able to get some rest last night OP.

I think everything depends on the dynamic of your marriage in previous years. So, if everything financial is shared and you know all about accounts, investments etc you're already in a different place than someone who had left all that to their DH.

You do say you're both professional so I am hoping that you do have all of that type of info.

Only you can say whether you can move past this - and by that I mean an open discussion with your husband and then you both figuring out where you go from there.

There are so many unknowns at this stage and I think the overwhelming consensus from posters yesterday was that we want you to be prepared and to have options.

Whatever YOU decide to do I hope you know that we are all here for you to bounce thoughts, ideas, what ever, off.

You have the privilege of 64 years and so if not much else at the moment I hope you are well aware that this too shall pass. X

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 05/10/2021 12:53

@VanGoghsDog

Why not? I have the emails of a number of my long term colleagues' partners and spouses.

What's it got to do with you? I'm asking the OP.

Do you understand the concept of an internet forum?

She was simply pointing out it isn't that odd. I have the numbers of a handful of people from my husbands work and he from mine, usually given before trips for work.

VanGoghsDog · 05/10/2021 14:02

She was simply pointing out it isn't that odd. I have the numbers of a handful of people from my husbands work and he from mine, usually given before trips for work.

So what if it's not odd, I was asking the OP a question. There's no need for other people to include their experiences. I was just wondering why, in the OP's case (i.e. not yours, or someone else's), they had her email address.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 05/10/2021 14:24

@VanGoghsDog

She was simply pointing out it isn't that odd. I have the numbers of a handful of people from my husbands work and he from mine, usually given before trips for work.

So what if it's not odd, I was asking the OP a question. There's no need for other people to include their experiences. I was just wondering why, in the OP's case (i.e. not yours, or someone else's), they had her email address.

she's sort of a friend of ours as she's worked with him for years but we're not close friends or anything

HTH.

2bazookas · 05/10/2021 14:33

Many years ago, my aunt (mother of 6) returned home early from hospital emergency inpatient admission, to find another women's nightdress in her side of the marital bed. Turned out her abusive husband, a cop, had been having an affair with a cop colleague.

Aunt reported her husband and the OW, and they were both sacked by the police.. He ran off with OW. The family home was a police rental house , Aunt was given notice to quit; but as homeless mother with 6 small kids, she was swiftly rehoused by the council in a much nicer council house where she spent the rest of her life and raised the kids by herself. When her kids grew up and got jobs, they bought the council house for her under right-to-buy.,

Sometimes there is a god and he does the right thing.

Anordinarymum · 05/10/2021 14:45

When I met my bloke he had been separated from his alcoholic wife for over ten years. He was director of a company.
We met by chance in a pub at Christmas one year. Six months later he asked me on a date.
She found out he was seeing someone.
She hounded his boss and his boss' wife at night..drunken phone calls telling them lies and spouting rubbish.
The boss asked him to tell her to stop. She did not. He was asked to step down as director. It was humiliating.
Only when he told her he would get the sack did she stop. He supported her fully as she has never worked.
He only held on to his job by the skin of his teeth.
I do not know what she wanted to achieve. I expect she thought he would end it with me and continue living alone and supporting her habit.
He divorced her and cut her loose but she stiffed him with the settlement and still lives off the proceeds.
It was money, and nothing else that drove her. His happiness was not her concern. Only when she realised she might ruin him and the money would dry up she backed down

Jenufer · 05/10/2021 17:54

@Bluntness100

I do know, though, that if I had got to 64 and XH's worst crime had been a mundane workplace affair, I'm not sure I'd have ended a very long marriage over it.

Very few affairs are mundane, and clearly by the thread very few people would agree with you, personally I’d not put up with an affair, but I totally understand why some would.

I don't think I'd have agreed with myself when I was 30, Bluntness. I always thought infidelity was a deal breaker. But I think perspectives on all sorts of things (can) change with age.
MrsBerthaRochester · 05/10/2021 18:01

Is your dh wealthy? Senior to her? Im mid 40s and I find the idea of sex with a mid 60s man repulsive. She is probably a gold digger. I would make as much trouble for them as I could.