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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get DH and OW in trouble at work?

205 replies

Revenge2021 · 04/10/2021 16:32

Long time lurker, a few posts but NC for this.

DH and I are mid-60s, professionals, no children (by choice). Generally content, or so I thought.

He went into work at the weekend, which was a little unusual but he works in a hospital - they have been so busy lately and he said he wanted to 'get caught up' with work so I thought nothing of it. This afternoon however I got an email from a colleague of his - she's sort of a friend of ours as she's worked with him for years but we're not close friends or anything. She said that she'd gone in on Sunday to catch up on work and seen DH kissing someone in his office and that she thought I ought to know. I immediately rang her and she was very cagey - said that as DH and her work together she didn't want him to know that it came from her but again that 'I ought to know'.

I managed to drag out of her that this woman is a colleague of theirs, mid-40s, also married, with a son. When I pressed her for more details she admitted that she had had suspicions about the two of them as long as 2 years ago when they all went to a conference - she thought they were acting strangely but couldn't confirm anything so didn't tell me!

Has he been having sex with this woman for 2 years?! Or if they were only kissing does that mean that this is as far as it's gone? I am livid and sick and devastated and don't know what to do. I've looked up OW on social media, she's dark haired and slim and pretty and just his type Confused

I was thinking of getting in touch with the line manager of the OW and telling them that she's been having an inappropriate relationship with a colleague, and doing the same with my DH line manager. I would ask them to keep it anonymous so they wouldn't know it came from me or DH colleague. Please don't tell me to LTB I'm 64 and I just can't start again on my own. I just want them both to suffer a bit, I can't think what else to do.

OP posts:
JulesRimetStillGleaming · 04/10/2021 18:15

YABU

You are understandably shocked and angry but this will only make things more messy and will hurt you as much as anyone else.

Do you really want to be the subject of gossip in their departments? If he loses his job, which is unlikely, then the loss of income will affect you too.

I know you're angry but dragging in third parties really won't have the impact you think. Some people will feel sorry for you but they might not be as disapproving of him as you'd like them to be.

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2021 18:17

I’d also support the folks who said the employer will pity you. We had it at our work, a senior manager was having an affair with an employee. His wife phoned thr whistleblower line and reported him. She remained anonymous but we all knew it was her trying to hide her identity. We all felt nothing but pity for her having to wash her dirty linen in public like that, and having to resort to telling his employer on him secretly.

Ultimately he was fired, and he left his wife.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 04/10/2021 18:19

No point contacting his work place.

I'd be dragging him through hell and threatening to tell her husband. I may not actually tell the husband but the threat would be enough to make her shit her pants.

Also, you may still have 20 years with this guy...is that really what you want?!

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 04/10/2021 18:20

And this definitely won't be the first time. How "lucky" would that be that your acquaintance happened to see the first kiss? Not likely at all

AnImposter · 04/10/2021 18:20

@BornIn78

If the NHS is their employer they won’t give even the tiniest shit about this.

I’ve worked for the NHS in the past, affairs are rife, being seen snogging in an office isn’t a sackable offence, I’ve known colleagues who have conducted their affairs using work emails, work phones, and in work time, and absolutely nothing happened to them.

It sounds like your ‘friend’ won’t be reporting it, and you want to report it as second hand information and also anonymously, the worst that will happen is that your husband gets a heads up to be more careful in future.

This 👏🏻
SweetBabyCheeses99 · 04/10/2021 18:25

I can’t imagine that their line managers will care less - unless they were claiming overtime! Seriously, why on earth would they?! I can see how you’d want them to suffer but that’s not even going to work. You’re going to have to confront him yourself or carry on unhappy.

justasking111 · 04/10/2021 18:25

@Revenge2021 you thought you were generally content it seems he isn't. The affair may run it's course, he may leave you. Are you upset because you love him deeply thought he felt the same or worried about an uncertain financial future.

If you had a big financial inheritance would you leave him?

You need to think about your life is it love, habit, financial security you need

Jangle33 · 04/10/2021 18:26

Yes affairs happen all the time. I really wouldn’t be dragging work into it. They are unlikely to be interested even on your flimsy evidence.

Mulhollandmagoo · 04/10/2021 18:31

If you're not going to leave him, then then putting his job at risk will impact you as much as him, so I wouldn't, I would tell him you know though and see what happens from there

So sorry OP, what a crappy situation to be in Flowers

Arrowheart · 04/10/2021 18:33

You and your husband will be a laughing stock if you ring work. It's like you're his mother calling in to tell tales. It is ridiculous. Maintain some dignity and sort your private life out at home.

QueenCoconut · 04/10/2021 18:33

They wouldn’t get in trouble at work. This is not an American movie, you’re talking about the NHS. The NHS doesn’t not get involved in employees’ personal matters whether they are married or single. Kissing a colleague during an unpaid lunch break, away from patients’ areas (office setting) would not be anything to do with the employer. You have no proof they were being paid during the time the kissed occurred.
Even if there was a direct line management relationship between the two, they would be offered the option to move teams or to change line management.
I’m sorry if this is disappointing but I’ve seen it before, people are upset, hurt and humiliated and think that everyone else will be equally shocked and condemn the affair. It doesn’t happen, perhaps it does in the army or the police but definitely not in the nhs.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 04/10/2021 18:35

@Macncheeseballs

Sent to soon! - the pervy 60 year old having an affair with work colleague 20 years younger!
They are equally pervy. She is middle-aged, not a ditzy 22 year old.
Arrowheart · 04/10/2021 18:36

@Macncheeseballs

Sent to soon! - the pervy 60 year old having an affair with work colleague 20 years younger!
So a 40 year old woman in a relationship with an older man makes the older man a pervert??? You have such a weird idea of what a pervert is.
Iwonder08 · 04/10/2021 18:44

Pathetic. You don't want to leave him, you just want to anonymously inform his and hers workplace. Work is not interested in his extra marital relationship and it is certainly not appropriate to get them involved. Get some dignity and confront your cheating husband face to face

Connelly · 04/10/2021 18:44

Their workplace won't care but I'm sure her husband will. He deserves to know too.

Go through his phone, emails, social media etc. and gather evidence. Best of luck, hun.

FrozenoutofCostco · 04/10/2021 18:48

I'm so sorry OP Thanks

If you know for sure that their workplace has a rule about intimate relationships between colleagues then yes, absolutely!!!!

dayswithaY · 04/10/2021 18:49

This happened to me but I kept my dignity and didn't involve work. As far as I was concerned, it was between me and him, no one else. Plus it was a massive headfuck for OW that I didn't approach her and she kept looking over her shoulder after that. Cried to my ExH that I was intimidating even though we never had any contact.

Sort this out, OP. Make a decision, act on it.

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 04/10/2021 18:52

Take some time to process the info, try and get his phone/computer to get proof.
Decide what you want for your future.
Seek legal advice if you need to.
Only tell work if you have divorced him otherwise it affects you.
Consider sharing any proof you find with her husband.

Macncheeseballs · 04/10/2021 18:53

Arrowheart, dirty shagger then? equally you have a strange idea of what's funny if you think wife will be the laughing stock is she rings up - I wouldn't be laughing

PurpleOkapi · 04/10/2021 19:08

@Bluntness100

I’d also support the folks who said the employer will pity you. We had it at our work, a senior manager was having an affair with an employee. His wife phoned thr whistleblower line and reported him. She remained anonymous but we all knew it was her trying to hide her identity. We all felt nothing but pity for her having to wash her dirty linen in public like that, and having to resort to telling his employer on him secretly.

Ultimately he was fired, and he left his wife.

Really? If a colleague I liked well enough had their spouse abuse the whistleblower line (intended, at my job at least, for things like financial crimes) in a vindictive attempt to publicly shame him for personal misdeeds, I'd side with the colleague. I wouldn't condone the affair, but since the spouse had just proven that they were completely unhinged, I'd understand it.
Happymum12345 · 04/10/2021 19:08

I understand how you feel. I’m not sure if his boss will be interested but if it makes you feel better, do it.
What really matters now is you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has cheated? Perhaps try Relate for counselling? Flowers

PurpleOkapi · 04/10/2021 19:09

@Macncheeseballs

Arrowheart, dirty shagger then? equally you have a strange idea of what's funny if you think wife will be the laughing stock is she rings up - I wouldn't be laughing
I wouldn't be laughing, but I also wouldn't be wondering why he was looking elsewhere. That much would be apparent to me from her actions.
Staryflight445 · 04/10/2021 19:12

I’d be tempted to print off the social media photo of her and give it to dh to engage his reaction.
Would tell you all you need to know op.

Tistheseason17 · 04/10/2021 19:15

I'd talk to my husband and understand what has happened. I could not stay if my DH was in love with someone else.

Biscoffee · 04/10/2021 19:15

Op, if what you’ve been told is true I’m very sorry you’ve found yourself in this position but please just know that you can indeed start over again at 64.