AIBU to get DH and OW in trouble at work?

[Revenge2021]

Long time lurker, a few posts but NC for this.

DH and I are mid-60s, professionals, no children (by choice). Generally content, or so I thought.

He went into work at the weekend, which was a little unusual but he works in a hospital - they have been so busy lately and he said he wanted to 'get caught up' with work so I thought nothing of it. This afternoon however I got an email from a colleague of his - she's sort of a friend of ours as she's worked with him for years but we're not close friends or anything. She said that she'd gone in on Sunday to catch up on work and seen DH kissing someone in his office and that she thought I ought to know. I immediately rang her and she was very cagey - said that as DH and her work together she didn't want him to know that it came from her but again that 'I ought to know'.

I managed to drag out of her that this woman is a colleague of theirs, mid-40s, also married, with a son. When I pressed her for more details she admitted that she had had suspicions about the two of them as long as 2 years ago when they all went to a conference - she thought they were acting strangely but couldn't confirm anything so didn't tell me!

Has he been having sex with this woman for 2 years?! Or if they were only kissing does that mean that this is as far as it's gone? I am livid and sick and devastated and don't know what to do. I've looked up OW on social media, she's dark haired and slim and pretty and just his type

I was thinking of getting in touch with the line manager of the OW and telling them that she's been having an inappropriate relationship with a colleague, and doing the same with my DH line manager. I would ask them to keep it anonymous so they wouldn't know it came from me or DH colleague. Please don't tell me to LTB I'm 64 and I just can't start again on my own. I just want them both to suffer a bit, I can't think what else to do.

You don’t want to leave him but want to fuck their lives up?
You are going to end up feeling worse op.
It doesn’t sound like he’s hiding it at work so I’m not sure that you’ll get the outcome that you want.

If you don't want to leave him, causing issues at his workplace will just cause issues for you too.

What happens if he loses his job over this? Will it not impact his pension and your retirement?

OP I understand you're in a bit of shock right now, but what is it you hope to achieve from this plan?

You can’t just blow things up unless you’re absolute what you’ve been told is right. Posters on here will always jump to “it’s an affair, he’s terrible” but all you have right now is one second hand statement forms someone of unknown motivation.

Oh what an awful thing to find out, OP. I'm so sorry your husband has done this.

As others have said, I suspect not much will happen if you complain to their line managers and I think their bosses will think you are a bit bonkers if you do this. I would try to let your anger dissipate a little and, when you are in a calmer frame of mind, think how you want to approach this with your husband.

You’re in shock.

I would confront DH and ask him to leave. I couldn’t stay married to someone who’d had a long term affair.

I’d also ring her DH and tell him. I know it’s not popular on MN but yes I’d want her to suffer.

I would, but then again I took the moral high ground when I found out my exdh was having an affair. In all honestly I now wish I'd made their lives hell. It's a big regret of mine.

Sending a hand hold OP, take time to let this all sink in and look for further evidence. What ever you choose to do your want to make sure you have thought it all through. But please ask yourself is this really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with ?

OP, I understand your impetus to wreak revenge and make them hurt.

But then what?

You might have to sit through endless rants about how someone has told lies about him and caused trouble… you might get lied to. Nothing might happen, and you will feel even smaller than you do now, everything might happen and he might lose his salary and pension …. and rely more on yours!

If he can mess about with this woman while married to you, he might mess about with another, if this one is seen off.

Face him head on, fair and square, and see what can be done about your marriage.

He might realise the error of his ways and come crawling back ready to seriously rebuild with you.

He might say the marriage is over.

In which case, 64 is NO WAY too old to make a life on your own!

I wouldn’t say anything to anyone until I satisfied myself it was true.

Let the OW’s husband know first and after tell your husband what you know.I’m so sorry-💐

Horrible, horrible situation and I am sorry you're going through it.

What stands out to me is that you didn't have much resistance to believing this colleague of your dh. Could that be because on some level you already had suspicions?
As much as you want to lash out you actually have a time sensitive window of opportunity and I would focus purely on self preservation.
In your own words, you are 64, professional and have no doubt enabled your DH to have his long career by supporting him along the way emotionally and I dare say practically.
If you can push pause on thoughts of revenge and harness your burgeoning anger and use it to fuel you in these first days then you would be best placed to " get all your ducks in a row" ( it's only an MN cliché because it's true.) Gather as much info as you can, financial, house, everything.
Get legal advice.
It doesn't mean you have made your decision but you may well be glad of it later.
If you can get yourself some breathing space and think through all the options, then do so.
It may not feel like it but you actually have the advantage at the moment.
I am so sorry this has happened and I hope you have some proper support irl, you know you have plenty of people on here in your corner. X

following

I highly doubt this woman is lying about your husband cheating. As for leaving, of course you can. I know several women who left their shitbag husbands at your age and older. Living a lie is soul destroying.

What would be the point of that?
Just cut him out of your life & move on. Spend your time & effort on working toward a happy life.

No. Do not

And your poor colleague

@Macncheeseballs

Sent to soon! - the pervy 60 year old having an affair with work colleague 20 years younger!

What a ridiculous, disgusting and ageist comment!

You don't think a woman in her mid--40s is mature enough or intelligent enough to decide who she fancies?

Or you've decided that a 15 year age gap between consenting adults of this age is 'pervy'?

It says a lot about how judgemental you are, frankly.

I'm not agreeing with his behaviour - I think betraying your wife is poor. But this comment takes the biscuit!

I don’t understand why people are saying it’s nothing to do with the employer. Nowhere I’ve worked is it encouraged to snog colleagues on work premises during working hours. Clearly I’ve been in the wrong jobs.

I have no sympathy for either of them, and I completely understand the temptation to cause them trouble. But don't cut your nose off to spite your face!

Quietly and quickly get your ducks in a row, get all the financial info and documents you need. Once you've got all that sorted, personally I would tell the OW's husband as I believe he has a right to know. I'd also then confront your husband and see where it goes - I know you say you don't want to leave him, but you might change your mind post-confrontation. It also might be him that decides he's going to leave you for the OW! So please get everything sorted for the legal side of things, even if it's just in case

* Please don't tell me to LTB I'm 64 and I just can't start again on my own. I just want them both to suffer a bit,*

This is truly shocking on so many levels

Don't embarrass yourself. At best the bosses might pity you. If their work is fine theu wont get involved based on hearsay.

If you cant take qppropriate action, leaving or talking to him, then do nothing.

I'd screw him over in every way possible. Firstly, get all your ducks in a row. Collect financial documents etc and see a solicitor. Then go in for the kill. I'd inform his work (if he is in a position where it would have repercussions), I'd be telling the OW's husband...any way I could think of screwing the pair of them over, I would.

Nowhere I’ve worked is it encouraged to snog colleagues on work premises during working hours. Clearly I’ve been in the wrong jobs.
This.
On the one occasion an angry DH turned up over a suspected affair both colleagues were suspended with pay pending an investigation.

@Stoic123

Don't do anything until you've had time to reflect a bit on what you ultimately want. "Act in haste, repent at leisure" as the saying goes.

This must be horrible for you.

The saying actually goes "Marry in haste, repent at leisure." Not really apposite here.