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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get DH and OW in trouble at work?

205 replies

Revenge2021 · 04/10/2021 16:32

Long time lurker, a few posts but NC for this.

DH and I are mid-60s, professionals, no children (by choice). Generally content, or so I thought.

He went into work at the weekend, which was a little unusual but he works in a hospital - they have been so busy lately and he said he wanted to 'get caught up' with work so I thought nothing of it. This afternoon however I got an email from a colleague of his - she's sort of a friend of ours as she's worked with him for years but we're not close friends or anything. She said that she'd gone in on Sunday to catch up on work and seen DH kissing someone in his office and that she thought I ought to know. I immediately rang her and she was very cagey - said that as DH and her work together she didn't want him to know that it came from her but again that 'I ought to know'.

I managed to drag out of her that this woman is a colleague of theirs, mid-40s, also married, with a son. When I pressed her for more details she admitted that she had had suspicions about the two of them as long as 2 years ago when they all went to a conference - she thought they were acting strangely but couldn't confirm anything so didn't tell me!

Has he been having sex with this woman for 2 years?! Or if they were only kissing does that mean that this is as far as it's gone? I am livid and sick and devastated and don't know what to do. I've looked up OW on social media, she's dark haired and slim and pretty and just his type Confused

I was thinking of getting in touch with the line manager of the OW and telling them that she's been having an inappropriate relationship with a colleague, and doing the same with my DH line manager. I would ask them to keep it anonymous so they wouldn't know it came from me or DH colleague. Please don't tell me to LTB I'm 64 and I just can't start again on my own. I just want them both to suffer a bit, I can't think what else to do.

OP posts:
Mumoblue · 04/10/2021 17:45

You should LTB, to be honest. You’re never too old to leave a cheater.
And maybe you should be the bigger person but to be honest in your shoes I’d probably be petty too.

Play shitty games, win shitty prizes.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 04/10/2021 17:46

@RealBecca

Don't embarrass yourself. At best the bosses might pity you. If their work is fine theu wont get involved based on hearsay.

If you cant take qppropriate action, leaving or talking to him, then do nothing.

Exactly

People will pity the op

And then be baffled that she did what she did but stayed with him

toothpicklover · 04/10/2021 17:46

I would not bother with telling his work. It’s not the armed forces where they’d get disciplined, they’ll just feel a bit sorry for you.
Nothing will be done about it at all. I saw a fair few affairs when I worked in a hospital. One OW even ended up having a baby by her friends husband, his wife was her boss 🤷‍♀️

Anordinarymum · 04/10/2021 17:47

Just change the locks and let him start talking when he finds he can't get in today

Batshittery · 04/10/2021 17:47

I think I'd want to get some facts before I acted on the say so of someone who isn't really a close friend. You have nothing to support her allegation, and I wouldn't do any reporting anonymously. Well, I wouldn't do any reporting full stop.

Lockdownbear · 04/10/2021 17:49

How do you know the woman isn't out to cause trouble?

Did he reject her advances?
Happy to flirt but not go further?

One thing is sure his boss won't be interested.

MilduraS · 04/10/2021 17:50

Sadly yes YABU. A wife did this where I worked. We al heard about it and felt sorry for her but as nothing had actually happened within the workplace (or at least that could be proven) it wasn't really the company's business. It wasn't the response she hoped for and after stewing on it she decided to bombard the partners with angry emails. It was embarrassing for the two employees concerned and awkward for the partners but didn't achieve anything.

Laburnam · 04/10/2021 17:52

First of all you need evidence, how do you know it is true it could be someone that has a grudge?
Take legal advice in the meantime
Do not bite the hand that feeds you
Once you have all the facts and you’re prepared then you’re in a position of strength

RantyAunty · 04/10/2021 17:54

I wouldn't bother telling the employer. Nothing will happen.

It's all new since you've just found out but take some time to think about it. Would you really be willing to spend the next 20 years or so with a cheater? What if he leaves in a year or 5 years?

Do you have a close friend or family member you can confide in?

hopeishere · 04/10/2021 17:54

Speak to your husband. Don't get work involved. Someone in my old job did that and it was excruciating.

MissCreeAnt · 04/10/2021 17:55

@MissChanandlerBong81

I don’t understand why people are saying it’s nothing to do with the employer. Nowhere I’ve worked is it encouraged to snog colleagues on work premises during working hours. Clearly I’ve been in the wrong jobs.
I don't think anyone's saying it's encouraged. We can't assume anything about whether they were claiming overtime, or kissing for longer than it took to make a cuppa. I think managers at my place would hate to have to pick into the details. They'd just say keep it out of the office in future.

You have a fabulous username.

Tokyotammy · 04/10/2021 17:56

This could spectacularly blow up in your face. If it comes out in the open and they've been seeing each other that long then they might decide to make a go of it publicly and leave their partners/spouses.

This is going to eat away at you, best to have a frank conversation with your husband in private.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 04/10/2021 17:56

Don't have sex with him anymore.
If you tell anyone, tell her DH.

The job may not care as long as neither one is the CEO and one is not reporting to the other. Garden variety fully consensual workplace affair probably means nothing. It's just so common.

Jangle33 · 04/10/2021 17:57

By all means leave him but if you really don’t have the desire to do that I think your desire to get them into trouble at work is a terrible one. Ultimately it sounds like your relationship is not as happy as you thought. Why don’t you just confront him.

PurpleOkapi · 04/10/2021 17:59

Contacting their employer would be petty and shortsighted. There probably isn't a rule against anything they did. Even if there was, how would (potentially) getting him fired make your life better? If you stay with him, you'll have to live with that loss of income. If you leave him, you'll get less in the divorce, because you can't get blood from a stone.

Are you sure any of this is even true?

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2021 17:59

Has he been having sex with this woman for 2 years?! Or if they were only kissing does that mean that this is as far as it's gone?

No-one here can answer that Confused

Please don't tell me you haven't spoken to your DH about this but yet you're willing to speak to both their line managers.

PupInAPram · 04/10/2021 18:00

@StripeyBadger

I’m sorry, this must be a horrible shock. I would expect the affair has been going for at least two years and yes, I expect they have been having sex throughout the affair.

Do gather all financial information and everything together because even if you don’t want to leave him, he may be planning a retirement with her. Be prepared for any outcome.

I was thinking this. Ducks in a row OP, in case he ambushes you by leaving you for her. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. My husband left me nearly 30 years ago with a baby and a toddler for a very pretty girl almost half his age (ick). I would have done anything at the time to make him stay but now recognise I had a lucky escape. I just wish I had seen the ambush coming!
Cocomarine · 04/10/2021 18:00

Don’t speak to his work.
It’ll get you nowhere, and you’ll look back and cringe.
Keep your dignity.
Bide your time.
You’re allowed time to process this.

TidyOmlette · 04/10/2021 18:02

I’d be telling everyone possible that could make their life a little difficult.

KirstenBlest · 04/10/2021 18:02

You have only one person's word that he's having an affair. Do nothing other than make sure you have your ducks in a row and know where you stand legally and financially should it come to a divorce.

Ask the messenger to get proof.

If your DH is having an affair, he may want a divorce so it is vital that you are in control.

For anyone to contact you to inform you, they will either be malicious or telling the truth, or both.

CharlieBoo · 04/10/2021 18:02

Have there been any signs? Looking after his appearance a bit more? Late home from work a lot? Nights away on work trips?

I’ve been where you are? The OW worked for my husband. Large investment bank in the city. I ended up telling her husband, but they still worked together afterwards and my marriage didn’t survive. Sending you lots of love

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2021 18:06

Op I’m sorry you’re going through this, I think though you’re not thinking clearly

Will you even ask him the question? Or are you too scared in case he leaves you for her?

Also his employer isn’t a parent, telling takes isn’t going to work like it does with a child, to get them into trouble, unless he is her manager or she his then the employer won’t care, and they will just deny it and you have no proof.

So forget the employer route and think what you will do to deal with your husband

Briony123 · 04/10/2021 18:08

@Macncheeseballs

Sent to soon! - the pervy 60 year old having an affair with work colleague 20 years younger!
If she's in her 40s it really isn't like that. If he was 40s and her 20 then I would agree with you.
pasturesgreen · 04/10/2021 18:09

*You’re contemplating doing all this on the say so of someone who else?

You have no idea whether she may have an agenda of her own- with your husband, the other woman or both of them*

^ This. I'd want to double check and not do anything in haste on the say-so of a colleague who may well be pursuing her own agenda.

Involving his work has potential to come back to bite you in the arse, I'd first want to have watertight proof.

BrilliantBetty · 04/10/2021 18:13

What are you proposing you'd say? You have no evidence and you don't actually know much at all.

Find out more then decide.

But I would be more likely to tell her husband / humiliate them publicly that speak to their boss.

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