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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What shall I do about husbands drinking?

218 replies

SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 10:49

He’s drinking so much now. At least 4 pints an evening. He promised me he would do sober October and he failed on the first day.

I’m due to give birth next month and I genuinely don’t trust him to be able to drive me to hospital if I went into labour. He agreed to stop drinking from now at 34 weeks as my pregnancy has been so bad and I’ve had quite a few trips to triage lately and there’s a chance baby could come early.

He drinks his beers then he will sit and drink all of my zero alcohol ones. He will go days at a time on the zero stuff so I don’t think it’s an actual alcohol for fancy but he needs to physically have a beer in his hand when he’s home. I don’t know if I’m just more sensitive to it because I’m not drinking myself atm. I just don’t know what to do. It upsets me so much.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 03/10/2021 10:55

First I'd make plans to get to hospital another way - can your mum or a friend drive you?
Then I'd ask him what's going on - does he need help to cut down, does he want to cut down etc?
If he's happy enough drinking the low alcohol ones, would he agree to throw out all the alcohol and leave that the only option?
If he needs something to do with his hands, you could try a new hobby together like gaming or chess. Or give him a satsuma to peel slowly, or a Rubik's cube!

Original poster
SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 11:12

He will do a week in zero, then say “do you mind if I have a real beer tonight?” And I’ll think yeah that’s fine but then it like breaks the seal and the next day he will come home with an entire crate which he will drink in 2-3 days

OP posts:
hashbrownsandwich · 03/10/2021 11:14

Being able to moderate is the hardest part of a relationship with alcohol. That's why the experts say to not even attempt it.

Beelzebop · 03/10/2021 11:16

I just wanted to hug you and say you're doing the right thing to address it now, even if he doesn't want to.

TimeForTeaAndG · 03/10/2021 11:17

I'd leave or tell him to leave. If he can't have 1 beer without having a crate then he's an alcoholic and going sober cold turkey isn't ever going to work unless he wants to.

Make other plans for getting to the hospital, speak to your midwife and any family/friends around.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/10/2021 11:18

This is going to sound harsh but I don't want you to do what I did and spend years bargaining with him and then getting disappointed when he fails to meet his side of the bargain and eventually leave anyway.

There's nothing you can do about his drinking. He's an alcoholic and alcohol comes higher in the pecking order than you or his unborn child. You need to make peace with this.

You didn't cause this and you can't control it. The only thing you can do is control how it affects you.

To be honest your only real option is to leave. You won't be able to persuade him, nag him or cajole him. He may make superficial concessions for a short period of time but he won't do it for you. He will have to come to this realisation on his own. But you are about to have a child and you can't afford to hand the power over this to him.

If you leave there's a chance that this may shock him into doing something to address it - although I wouldn't count on this happening. If you stay nothing will ever change.

Take control of the situation, create an environment where you and your child are free from this.

Concestor · 03/10/2021 11:19

I'm so sorry. He's an alcoholic at worst, had a very dysfunctional relationship with alcohol at best. You can't do anything about it. He has to want to.
You could go to AlAnon meetings to help you cope and work out what you want to do.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 03/10/2021 11:19

Someone who has a problem with drinking can only sort it out if they want to. So there’s not much you can do, other than decide whether or not you want to be in a relationship with him if he carries on - particularly given that you are bringing a baby into the mix, whom you will need to keep safe. No amount of cajoling, bargaining or guilt tripping will work - he has to want to develop a better relationship with alcohol, and he is the only one who can make it work.

Original poster
SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 11:21

I don’t want to leave him, he’s perfect in every other way it’s just this drinking is getting out of hand. He’s a diabetic and doesn’t look after it well which worries me too.

OP posts:
MrsTulipTattsyrup · 03/10/2021 11:25

@SpicyPickle22

I don’t want to leave him, he’s perfect in every other way it’s just this drinking is getting out of hand. He’s a diabetic and doesn’t look after it well which worries me too.
He’s perfect -apart from:
  • The fact he can’t commit to being able to take you to hospital when you’re in labour, potentially leaving you stranded
  • he has such a close relationship with alcohol that he couldn’t stay sober for one day - so will be unable to be trusted to take care of your child alone
  • he is endangering his own health by drinking and not taking care of his diabetes, so risks leaving your child without a father and you without a partner.

Yeah, he’s a prince.

TimeForTeaAndG · 03/10/2021 11:25

Then you will never be able to leave your child with him as you'll spend the entire time worrying. And you'll end up resenting him for not being able to prioritise you and his child.

The beer won't be helping his diabetes either but he needs to want to get help. You can't fix this for him.

TerrifiedandWorried · 03/10/2021 11:25

How many beers in a crate?

Original poster
SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 11:27

15 beers in a crate. Over 3 days.

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 03/10/2021 11:28

You can't do anything about your husbands drinking. He has to be the one to stop. If he's showing signs of alcoholism the best thing you can do for yourself, and especially your baby, is leave him. Do not bring your child up in the home of an alcoholic. That is a horrible start for anyone's life. Your Dh clearly has no respect for himself if he doesn't look after his diabetes and drinks excessively, therefore he certainly won't have respect for anyone else in his life. Stop defending him by saying he's perfect in every other way - none of that matters if he's a selfish prick who puts his desire for a drink before anything else.

Teeturtle · 03/10/2021 11:28

@SpicyPickle22

He will do a week in zero, then say “do you mind if I have a real beer tonight?” And I’ll think yeah that’s fine but then it like breaks the seal and the next day he will come home with an entire crate which he will drink in 2-3 days
What would happen if you said yes I would mind, please stick to the zero % beers?
DFOD · 03/10/2021 11:28

I am really sorry that you have been so badly let down to date.

His actions show that he cares more about himself and his drunk state than he does about your health and that if your baby.

No doubt this is a devastating and disappointing realisation. He is not with you on this journey emotionally, physically or logistically. His behaviour will continue to cause you huge distress and you cannot could on him being safe around the baby or any help or contribution.

He is not there for you in your hour of need - he needs to go. It might be his wake-up call.

Don’t spend the last month of your pregnancy hoping and distressed because this will be causing you stress which floods your body and that of your baby with anxiety, cortisol and adrenaline. Neither of you need that.

He will be a huge disappointment at the birth and beyond. He is ruining your experience of motherhood - you will be distracted and preoccupied subconsciously with him and his drinking and this takes your finite time, energy, emotions away from you and your baby.

Beelzebop · 03/10/2021 11:29

@SpicyPickle22 my h was like that too. If you want to know what happens if you don't address this issue now please read my post in relationships. All I have asked my h to do is stop drinking. He can't. His behaviour has worsened over the years. I kept saying he was a good husband but.... And now look at the mess I'm in.

TerrifiedandWorried · 03/10/2021 11:30

I guarantee that you don't know everything he is drinking.

BrilloPaddy · 03/10/2021 11:31

Oh love, I could weep for you. This is a magic special time, and he's already putting a dampener on it for you.

The honest reality here is that you cannot rely on him whatsoever. His alcohol intake is already taking priority over you and your baby.

Get yourself away from him, and let him sort himself out - he needs to step up, get professional help and only when he's completely sober does being in your life become an option for him.

Don't minimise that it's "only" beer. My uncle died aged 47 from his beer intake................ and my cousins had a miserable upbringing because my aunt insisted on staying. It's not just you to think of now.

TerrifiedandWorried · 03/10/2021 11:31

One of the first pictures I have of my husband with our first child has a pint on the floor next to him. Everyone looks at it and says "how sweet". I just see the beer.

BrilloPaddy · 03/10/2021 11:33

And stop buying the 0% beer. It isn't helping either of you.

Couchbettato · 03/10/2021 11:34

@SpicyPickle22

I don’t want to leave him, he’s perfect in every other way it’s just this drinking is getting out of hand. He’s a diabetic and doesn’t look after it well which worries me too.
You can't see the wood for the trees.

You can't make him get better.

You're not as important to him as beer.

He won't stop when your child is here.

Alcohol disrupts sleep, so he's going to play the "I'm more tired" pissing contest games when your baby is up all night.

You'll never get a night off because you can't leave a baby with someone who's had alcohol.

He's making choices, every day. And he's not choosing you, or his health, or even his baby which should be his priority now he's a parent.

Run. For. The. Hills.

Beelzebop · 03/10/2021 11:34

I promise you myself and the other posters are not nasty or vicious or over the top, but it's so ridiculous how often the pattern is repeated by drinking partners. We know what goes next and it's horrid. Lots of love and support to you Flowersxx.

Spudina · 03/10/2021 11:36

Have you had a frank talk about how you feel? That has to be first. If he is willing to cut down or stop, the GP can help. Also, lots of people have successfully quit with the One Year No Beer program. (The first challenge is three months.) But I think he has to know the extent to which this is a problem for you first.

Original poster
SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 11:38

I he wants to cut down but doesn’t want to stop completely. I can’t leave as I have nowhere to go plus I really don’t want to leave. I just wish I could fine something else for him to unwind with. He works very hard to support us and I get the feeling of wanting a drink when he gets home (I do too!) but I wish he could just have the one or two.

OP posts: