What shall I do about husbands drinking?

[SpicyPickle22]

He’s drinking so much now. At least 4 pints an evening. He promised me he would do sober October and he failed on the first day.

I’m due to give birth next month and I genuinely don’t trust him to be able to drive me to hospital if I went into labour. He agreed to stop drinking from now at 34 weeks as my pregnancy has been so bad and I’ve had quite a few trips to triage lately and there’s a chance baby could come early.

He drinks his beers then he will sit and drink all of my zero alcohol ones. He will go days at a time on the zero stuff so I don’t think it’s an actual alcohol for fancy but he needs to physically have a beer in his hand when he’s home. I don’t know if I’m just more sensitive to it because I’m not drinking myself atm. I just don’t know what to do. It upsets me so much.

Why is he asking you if you mind if he has a "really beer".

He needs to ask himself if HE minds bring an alcoholic father to his dc.

He doesn't want to do that so he outsources the difficult question to you. You are then forced to act as the part of him that might put a stop to all this. And he can resent you for that.

He needs to reclaim the part of himself that isn't happy being an alcoholic. And then he would feel empowered to DO something about it.

Dh had/has problems with his relationship with alcohol. If he starts he struggles to stop, but if he doesnt start he doesnt really miss it that much. He admits he enjoys the sensation of being really drunk. His dad was an alcoholic, functioning and a very successful business man until his 50s, then it all went downhill and he died penniless in his mid 50s in a bedsit above a pub.

Dhs problems all started 5 years ago when his mum died and left a very painful surprise in her will, he struggled with it and turned to drink. He would go through a minimum of 1-2 bottles of bourbon and 12 bottles of high strength beer a week. Regularly used a home breathalyser to make sure he was safe for driving.

For the last year he has been more of less teetotal as he knows when he starts he cant stop. They were really difficult years with lots of tears on both sides and arguments. I honestly not sure what the turning point was for him, wish I did and could put it in a pill for those who are in similar situations.

OP having seen dhs dad kill himself with alcohol, your dh sounds like he had a bad relationship with alcohol, rather than being an alcoholic. Do you, or more importantly he, know why he drinks so much? Is it the taste, social, being drunk, boredom, lack of interests? It might be worth talking about and approaching from this angle, along with the impact on your family, and encourage him to find something to fill the void he is using alcohol to fill.

Good luck, it is tough.

@SpicyPickle22

There’s no alcohol in the house atm. If he comes home with more today I’m going to tell him I’m leaving and see what he says.

Don't go down that route of saying it unless you really mean it as it gets you nowhere.

@SpicyPickle22

There’s no alcohol in the house atm. If he comes home with more today I’m going to tell him I’m leaving and see what he says.

If he knows you have no way of leaving, this is pointless. If he comes home with the beer, take it.

It’s just poor coping mechanisms. He was in an abusive relationship a few years ago that had really effected him. He needs counselling and there’s only so much I can give him (I’m trained in psychology). He does get fixated on things and if I could help him transfer the fixation onto something else it would be easier but he’s so strapped for time it’s difficult.

@SpicyPickle22

There’s no alcohol in the house atm. If he comes home with more today I’m going to tell him I’m leaving and see what he says.

For me, that would be the right thing to do, but you’ve said you can’t leave, so don’t do it as some sort of test that you’re not willing to follow through on; only say it if you mean it, or he’ll never believe you if you say it again in the future when you do plan to leave.

But I’d like you to believe that your 7 year old daughter and your unborn child deserve a better life than the one they currently have, and that a different, but secure, life that you can work to provide for them would be a better start in life. Good luck.

You've had some great advice from others who have been on the same path you are now on. Your responses suggest you are trying to minimise, deflect and excuse. Please take the advice from those who have walked the walk

@lightand

Mumsnet is a great place for lots of advice generally, but the Relationship Board is not always one of them. Many spends lots of time on here advising people to leave their relationships.

In my experience by the time people have got to the stage of posting for advice on their relationships the relationships are nearly always at breaking point anyway. So the people saying LTB are often giving an OP license to do what she knows deep down she needs to do anyway.

That aside, the problem here is that the OP is going round and round in circles. She has asked for help with her husband's drinking. Those of us who have been in similar situations know that there is literally nothing she can do about her husband's drinking.

The choice is binary: either she accepts that she has to tolerate being with someone whose drinking upsets and scares her or she leaves him. There is no middle ground, with drinkers. The OP is convinced that despite this he is her "best friend" and a "great dad". Clearly she is not ready to leave so no point in flogging this horse to death.

But she can't expect to have it both ways. You can't on the one hand come on and say something is really upsetting me, what do I do and then when people give you suggestions, say "oh but he's lovely really, you don't understand him, I love him".

The hard reality here is that its going to have to get a lot worse before the OP gets to the point where she is ready to leave. Talking to him is going to achieve nothing. If that's where she is now then there's nothing any of us can do. But many of us know from bitter experience that leaving is the only solution.

@SpicyPickle22

It’s just poor coping mechanisms. He was in an abusive relationship a few years ago that had really effected him. He needs counselling and there’s only so much I can give him (I’m trained in psychology). He does get fixated on things and if I could help him transfer the fixation onto something else it would be easier but he’s so strapped for time it’s difficult.

But again, OP, you're just making excuses.

It's not your job to fix him. You can only look after yourself and your chilldren. And you can't do that with him.

I accept that you're not ready to deal with this now and I appreciate that its difficult. But at least stop lying to yourself.

Im worried for you because a lot of abuse starts in pregnancy. Youve just realised youre vulnerable and say you cant leave. So what happens after baby is here? Where is your power? If you know you cant issue an ultimatum then so does he.

You have enough on without trying to "help" him.

He shouldnt be asking you to moderate or approve his intake. What happens if you say no? He knows you dont feel able to.

You have no power in this relationship which is dangerous even if you think he is perfect.

Abuse? Are you actually serious?

I’ve been in an abusive relationship. I know what they look like. How dare you.

It doesn’t matter why he’s choosing to drink so much. Abusive relationship or not.
He’s drinking too much.
You’re not happy with that but can’t change it.
You need to put your children first.

You say his drinking doesn't affect any area of his life .

BUT you say:

1. He’s a diabetic and doesn’t look after it well. ( So it affects his health)
2. He needs counselling for trauma and is using alcohol as a poor coping mechanism. (So it's affecting his mental health)
3. You don't trust him to drive you you to hospital when you go into labour. (Affecting your relationship, your safety and your baby).

See the paradox OP?

Only he can decide if it's a problem and then decide if he wants to change.
The only way you can do this imo, is to tell him what he will lose if he doesn't address it head on.
You and baby.

OP I hope you ha e a good discussion with him later.

He can do online counselling..free counselling and as a pp said above AA meetings run almost constantly.

I predict he may tell you tonight he will ''keep an eye on n the drinking '' but without anything in place to help him change it, it will just fall back to how it was.

This is why some posters are so quick to say 'leave' because they've been on the merry go round before.
They are you..just a few years into the future. They are trying to save you the bother of living this and posting things about this issue for years to come.

He must do somthing. Something different to what he's tried or said before. That's all there is to it.

You cant be his counseller.

If you change nothing..nothing changes.

The same approach won't work. Ever.

You can leave him. You dont want to. Ok.

He needs counselling. You say he has no time.

You can accept this life and put up with it but it's also too much for you.

You have options.

You're hanging around waiting to have the type of life you want, but you say theres no room or time for it.

I would leave in that case.

You can talk to him...but again it's you talking.. you bringing it up. He isn't.

He just knocks it on the head for a day or two to shut you up.
Then goes back to it because he's comfortable like that.

And you're so uncomfortable.

You can explore all the options you want but unless he’s actually ready to accept that he has an issue and wants to do something about it it’s not going to make any difference.
The responses here may sound harsh but try and understand that they are coming from a place of experience. Many people here will have lived with and had lives ruined by partners that had similar issues your your Dp.
They know where it can lead.
At the moment it sounds like the only person who’s concerned ( and trying to make changes) is you and all the rest is an endless stream of excuses as to why it can’t be changed.

I've seen the absolute hell alcoholics put their families through and the physical ravages of alcoholics on their bodies,brains and personalities.
He cannot relax and unwind without alcohol and amounts someone drinks isn't indicative of addiction it's whether the drinking is causing an issue. There's nothing you CAN do he has to want to change and put in the heavy lifting.
I've seen end stage alcoholism and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. You're not ready to address this issue right now but look up Al-Anon and start working an exit strategy-you're going to need it and that baby you're bringing into this world. If you haven't made backup plans for your trip to hospital I'd start that stat and figure out how you're going to care for a newborn without support from your partner and I'd delay your marriage.

Have a look at the Al Anon website OP, it's not for drinkers but the families & friends of problem drinkers.

Please be careful of trying to 'fix him', especially with your psychology background...

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Thankyou

If you believe you have nowhere else to live and believe that you have no personal agency to protect and support your children and that’s why you can’t leave - then you need a medium term plan in place because this current arrangement is likely to deteriorate.

Currently he is “functioning” soon enough he won’t be. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.

His health WILL deteriorate.

He might lose his license and his job. He might lose his capacity to earn. What happens then? How will you shore up the family?

It’s an ugly twisted path to that destination (been there, done that) and one that your DCs didn’t need to endure and carry the wounds from.

You can either look to protect their childhood and save them the pain - or you can allow them to be exposed to this. Your choice.

But you will likely need a robust plan for when the wheels fall off.

The excuse of a past abusive relationship being the reason he drinks and disrespects and is unavailable and unaccountable in this relationship is ironic. Who is the victim here?

Alcoholism is a result of the alcoholic being stuck in the Karpman Drama triangle, and they will try to keep you enmeshed with them.

IDK if your training means you work as a counsellor, but make sure your mentor is aware of everything happening within your relationship.

He needs to go to aa, you can go to al anon, alateen for baby later.
There is counselling online, by phone, text etc but there is no point if he carries on drinking. Most people try to cut down, some can't..
I'm sorry for you op, this will get worse

I’ll give him until I’ve finished my study and am earning my own money. If things aren’t better by then I can leave.