What shall I do about husbands drinking?

[SpicyPickle22]

He’s drinking so much now. At least 4 pints an evening. He promised me he would do sober October and he failed on the first day.

I’m due to give birth next month and I genuinely don’t trust him to be able to drive me to hospital if I went into labour. He agreed to stop drinking from now at 34 weeks as my pregnancy has been so bad and I’ve had quite a few trips to triage lately and there’s a chance baby could come early.

He drinks his beers then he will sit and drink all of my zero alcohol ones. He will go days at a time on the zero stuff so I don’t think it’s an actual alcohol for fancy but he needs to physically have a beer in his hand when he’s home. I don’t know if I’m just more sensitive to it because I’m not drinking myself atm. I just don’t know what to do. It upsets me so much.

SpicyPickle22 hopefully you are having that talk with him right now. Dont leave this to fester another minute.

How long will it be til you finish your studies and start working?

Alanon won't tell you to stay or to leave. They'll support you to make your own choices in your own time.

You can call their helpline 10-10 for a chat too. You'll find someone who has been where you are, and they'll understand the dilemma.

Your children need one healthy functioning parent if they can't have two. If he chooses to keep drinking and using it to deal with feelings, then it'll progress. Maybe fast and maybe slowly.

But you can't control that or cure it. You didn't cause it.

You can make sure you're healthy in body and mind. Good boundaries. Realistic expectations of him right now. Use support around you.

Sadly there isn't a way of loving someone well. All you can do is not drown with them if they chose to ignore the issues and carry on the path they're on.

You don't have to go into the madness of trying to mother him, manipulate him, or martyr yourself to make it better. I've tried them all. Doesn't work.

Detaching isn't unkind, it's finding sanity for you while letting an adult make their own choices while you get to make your own adult choices too.

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@SpicyPickle22

What you need to start to do now is disengage from it. It's hard. But he is signalling to you loud and clear that he is not prepared to change. He knows how you feel and he doesn't care -- or doesn't care enough. You can't continue to put yourself in a cycle where the person on whom you depend makes no attempt to tackle something which is so critical to your sense of wellbeing.

I understand that you may not feel ready to leave yet and given the stage you are at in your pregnancy I can understand this.

For now, focus your energy as far as possible as getting your finances sorted and planning what you will do when you leave him. Because leave him you must. Not necessarily now. But you can't remain with someone for whom alcohol is a great priority than you and your children.[/quote]
Al Anon will help you to emotionally detach in your head even if you don’t physically detach in the short term.

You need to be realistic and manage your expectations otherwise you are going to be severely disappointed when he continues to not step up - putting yourself under than stress could flip you into PND and then both of your DCs are left high and dry with two emotionally unavailable parents.

Look to emotionally protect yourself. Do you have family or friends who you could talk to because it’s nothing shameful - it’s about coping through a very difficult time with someone who not only is unsupportive but could cause major distress or put you all at risk.

Try to get seek emotional and practical support so that you don’t become overwhelmed or distressed at this time as it’s not good for your baby, you or your existing child.

I don’t even know what to say

@SpicyPickle22

I don’t even know what to say

Maybe nothing?

Probably all been said 100 times.

Just withdraw a bit, keep yourself calm and take the time and space you need to decide how to seek support through a difficult time.

It’s a huge shift to know that you can’t change him and that it is futile to give him your finite energy.

You say

Are you aware I could go into labour any minute?

Are you aware that life with a baby is hard? And you can't drink to cope with that.

You've come home with drinks once again, knowing I need you. And you won't stop drinking even though our baby needs you.

I do not want to get married.

I do not want to live with you.

I give you chance after chance and you have taken liberties.

The kids and I are moving out.

I’ve barely spoken to him the last few days tbf. He knows I’m losses off at him and I’m sure he knows why but he won’t bring it up.

This sounds a lot like my ex when we were having our first couple of children. I didn't think much of it. With our second I had to wait for him to sober up before he could take me to hospital when my waters broke.

And so it carried on. Gradually getting worse. Until he spent the whole weekend drinking, stopping in time to get to work. Then every evening drinking, then having to have lots of time off work because he was either drunk or hungover. Then he left to sober up and I didn't let him back home, by that time I hated him for what he was doing. Nothing was more important than alcohol. Not even the kids.

He's now jobless, and living with his son from his first marriage as he'd be homeless otherwise. He hasn't seen the kids since 2019.

I stayed with him about 10 years longer than I should have really, too afraid to go it alone, not realising I was already doing it all myself anyway.

I really hope your DH can see it's a problem and stop before it gets as bad as my ex, because it's hell having to live with someone like that, and make excuses etc.

I think you need to try something else. How about taking all the cans he hasn’t drunk yet & tipping them away. Don’t say anything to him, just do it.
His reaction will show how desperate he is, or if it’s just a habit & he sees how you feel about it.

He is able to Google where to get help with drinking if he wants.

He is less likely to do it if you tell him to.

He is less likely to take help if you set it up.

Instead he'll use it as an argument starter and then an excuse to have another drink.

By stepping away internally from rescuing him he is left with himself. He is able to find support. There is a lot. Books. Audiobooks. Podcasts. Blogs. Online AA meetings. In person meetings. Smart recovery. Local GP. Local addiction services or mental health services.

Tons about. He can Google.

If he actually wants to change.

I’m just so embarrassed. Everyone thinks we have this perfect relationship which every other aspect is. I can’t talk to my friends and family about it.

I just don’t know what to do.

The shame is part of the illness which makes family members sick too.

We all keep the secrets.

To start perhaps think of when you can call alanon privately this week. Open 10am to 10pm.

One step. Say it all out loud to another person.

@SpicyPickle22

I don’t even know what to say

You don't have to say anything.

For now, focus on yourself. Try - as far as possible - to cut yourself off emotionally from him. I didn't do Al Anon but they are very good at helping you to learn to shut yourself off from it. He is no longer able to help and support you so you have to teach yourself to care less and less about it. Thankfully, you will probably find this will happen automatically to some extent, as you will start to lose respect for him. Don't fight this, its a good thing. Don't try to persuade him or rationalise with him. He knows. He's choosing not to do anything.

Learn to be less reliant on him. Learn to get your support elsewhere. Focus on the pregnancy and preparing for the baby. Make sure you have other people around to support you.

And as far you can, start preparing to leave. Baby steps.

And I wouldn't tip alcohol away. He'll just get more. And it's wasted money and another excuse for an argument about your unreasonableness and a way of making it that you are being the problem so he doesn't have to deal with himself.

If he wants to get rid he can tip it away.

More ‘great dad’ bullshit. No he isn’t. His primary relationship isn’t with you or kids, it’s with booze; it’s what he’d choose every time.
If he’s diabetic and doesn’t manage it properly (plus the drinking) then he’s going to develop heart disease, poor micro circulation will lead to eye and foot problems too.

I grew up with an alcoholic father with a mother who enabled him because she didn’t want to leave. It wasn’t much fun.

All I can tell you is that enabling an alcoholic is one of the worst things you can do for them and for the people around them. They don’t get better unless they have a reason to.

Oh op

Again another type of thread it's so depressing how common they are.

I am the child, grandchild, niece, cousin and sibling to a number of addicts mainly alcohol.

He is an alcoholic. If he wasn't he could, would and should stop for the diabetes management alone!

He doesn't WANT to stop. He has no reason to as far as he's concerned.

He's a poor partner and father because of it and this will very likely get worse.

If he is drinking that much every night chances are very likely he is drinking and driving the following day too which I could not in good conscience support myself and don't understand anyone that does.

Does he drive you? Do you have other dc he drives? I'm not totally sure if this is your first pregnancy.

Frankly my opinion is for the sake of dc if nothing else you need to leave him.

I know you don't want to and don't want to hear it but you are not doing right by your dc if you stay.

There are plenty of shift workers that engage with therapy it just requires some effort from him to organise it.

He could also go to aa there are meetings on at all various times and online ones and there are other alcohol support groups he could access too

But...he doesn't want to! That is the problem.

He won't even suspend the drinking to support you and this pregnancy.

As far as he is concerned alcohol is his priority and that will continue to be the case until and unless he decides to address the issue.

We can’t afford private counselling. He leaves the house at 5am and often isn’t home till gone 7 so NHS counselling just isnt doable.

But you said he does rolling shifts? So he has days off in the week? He could do it then.

You can't help him until and unless he at least acknowledges the problem and even then all you can do is support him in his recovery journey.

The only person who can put an addict on the road to recovery and to achieving and maintaining sobriety.

He isn't "just sneezing" far from it. He is continually and repeatedly letting you and your family down, damaging his health and putting himself at risk of a criminal conviction and possible job loss if related.

I've honestly yet to see an actual "ltb for no good reason" in every case a seemingly "trivial" reason at the start of a thread turns out to be a very very small tip of the iceberg!

Tbh doesn't sound like you have the healthiest relationship with alcohol yourself.

There are also different forms of abuse op, if you've been in another abusive relationship that was more "obviously" abusive eg physically can mean you don't recognise/register more subtle/insidious forms of abuse but as a previous victim you are more vulnerable to ending up in another abusive relationship.

It's certainly a neglectful and unsupportive relationship

Keeping it a secret does you no favours at all, it cuts you off from support and adds to your stress which is the last thing you need in late pregnancy. Tell people, get support, be honest with them and with yourself.

At the moment you are minimising and enabling. Very common but not healthy.

You literally know nothing about my relationship with alcohol so why the fuck even bring that up. FYI, I don’t really drink at all. Even when not pregnant because of medication that I’m on. I enjoy the occasional glass of red wine and a zero beer and I’ll drive if I go out with friends.

I was you 32 years ago OP. I hoped it would get better once the baby was born but it didn’t, it got much much worse. I begged him to get help, I tipped alcohol away, I ranted, I raved, I begged and pleaded but at the end of the day the alcohol was his number one priority, it still is. I kicked him out when our DD was 6 months old, I figured I was doing everything anyway and I got sick of him stumbling around the house pissed up to his eyeballs most nights. My advice would be to kick him out and don’t look back.

My Dad was an alcoholic and when I met dh, I was delighted because he was so different from my Dad.

He drank a bottle of wine and two/three beers every night and also couldn't stop drinking towards the end of each of my three pregnancies.

It bothered me and I did say he shouldn't drink during the week, but because he didn't knock me about or shout at me, he wasn't an alcoholic.

Except he was and one morning 14 years into our relationship, I woke at 2am one night, sat up and thought, shit, he's an alcoholic.

I woke him up, told him I knew he was an alcoholic and he either gave up for good, or I would end out relationship. It shocked us both!

He actually had to taper down because stopping dead caused sweats and hallucinations. We both realised that his Dad is an alcoholic too and thought it was little wonder we had both been so accepting of it.

He hasn't drunk at all for 3 years. I would have left him no doubt in my mind but I'm very glad it didn't come to that because he is such a brilliant man and there is so much love between us.

Also, I had a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol but gave up before I had my first child.

Two of my siblings married alcoholics who are now dry. My siblings probably still have a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol.

There's no shame in it, please don't be offended (also not saying you have a drink problem either).

After going dry, my dh drank the most enormous quantity of alcohol free beer for about a year. I think it was a stepping stone to sobriety, albeit a bloody expensive one.

He now drinks a lot of tonic, without the gin, again I think to emulate the idea of alcohol.

@MrsBobDylan

I'm glad it worked out for you...

But I have to say I don't think these sorts of stories are entirely helpful. In reality its vanishingly rare for alcoholics to quit because their partners give them an ultimatum and I worry that this sort of thing will give the OP false hope.

OP I think you have to leave whether or not your DP is prepared to change. Leave on the assumption that he won't do it. If he does change he will have to be prepared to go a hard road in demonstrating to you that he's serious about it. And he will have to remain sober for a significant period of time before you consider allowing him back. I think safest for all concerned to assume that its over rather than hanging on to hope that he might be able to change.

@SpicyPickle22

I’m just so embarrassed. Everyone thinks we have this perfect relationship which every other aspect is. I can’t talk to my friends and family about it.

I just don’t know what to do.

Why are you embarrassed? I’d rather my daughter told me and came home then stay and not say anything.

Would you tell your own children to stay in a relationship for finances rather than them leave and get a job?

My parents would not be happy about me leaving him! And I’m not going to yet.

He’s actually just sat down and told me that he’s arranged a counselling session for his day off on Friday and that he knows I’m 34 weeks tomorrow and that means no more beer. He must have felt his ears burning today!

@SpicyPickle22

Your parents aren't the ones who will be bringing up a child with him. Do they know the extent of his problem? If they do, and they still think you should remain with him, then their opinion is not valid. You can't design your life to suit other people's views of how it should be lived.

Its obviously encouraging that he appears to have had a wake up call but I'd reserve judgement until he actually follows through on this. Anyone can make a counselling appointment.