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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What shall I do about husbands drinking?

218 replies

SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 10:49

He’s drinking so much now. At least 4 pints an evening. He promised me he would do sober October and he failed on the first day.

I’m due to give birth next month and I genuinely don’t trust him to be able to drive me to hospital if I went into labour. He agreed to stop drinking from now at 34 weeks as my pregnancy has been so bad and I’ve had quite a few trips to triage lately and there’s a chance baby could come early.

He drinks his beers then he will sit and drink all of my zero alcohol ones. He will go days at a time on the zero stuff so I don’t think it’s an actual alcohol for fancy but he needs to physically have a beer in his hand when he’s home. I don’t know if I’m just more sensitive to it because I’m not drinking myself atm. I just don’t know what to do. It upsets me so much.

OP posts:
lightand · 03/10/2021 13:50

Find out the root cause of his drinking.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 03/10/2021 13:51

It's so unhelpful to bandy around the "he's an alcoholic" thing.

And if every spouse left their partner for not being able to moderate, 50% of the people of MN would be divorced.

OP, there's something a bit more helpful called The Alcohol Use Disorder scale, maybe have a look at that rather than listen to the "leave the alcoholic bastard" replies.

There's also a book called 1 year no beer, which he could probably read.

I personally have recently gone AF, I read a bunch of books (or listened to the audio books in my car to be specific) and found out that a huge proportion of people can't moderate and why. A huge proportion want to cut down or quit altogether. These aren't all alcoholics that wake in the morning and start drinking.
They are the majority.
From those who have a glass of wine in the evening or just drink on weekends to those who drink all day and have withdrawal and all the others in between
Which is why the AUD scale is more appropriate abs helpful to to use.

There's a few books out there directed towards men, have a look on Amazon.

If he drives a lot or drives to work, an audiobook might be good

lightand · 03/10/2021 13:52

Mumsnet is a great place for lots of advice generally, but the Relationship Board is not always one of them.
Many spends lots of time on here advising people to leave their relationships.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 03/10/2021 13:55

This is AIBU.

Although I still agree!

Hankunamatata · 03/10/2021 13:57

It would be interesting to breathalyse him at 5am if he has been drinking the night before

Original poster
SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 13:57

I feel like a man just has to sneeze on here and posters are like LEAVE HIM!!!

I love him. He is my best friend and I want to help him. Not ruin my own life by becoming a single mum to 2 kids, homeless and miserable when I haven’t even explored any options yet.

OP posts:
Noname1999 · 03/10/2021 14:04

He's going to have to decide to change, you cannot change him. Having a newborn around isn't going to be enough to inspire change. Coming from a family of drinkers you should realise that.

Work on being able to support yourself and your children. Having a partner that does not manage his diabetes and has a drinking habit that causes you distress is not going to work out for the best.

Don't model codependency to your children they deserve better than that.

MattHancocksSexTape · 03/10/2021 14:08

Stick his alcohol intake into this calculator.

morning-after.org.uk/drink-drive-calculator/

5 cans takes 11 hours to clear the system. If he’s driving at 5am the next day….

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 03/10/2021 14:10

@MattHancocksSexTape

Stick his alcohol intake into this calculator.

morning-after.org.uk/drink-drive-calculator/

5 cans takes 11 hours to clear the system. If he’s driving at 5am the next day….

Yep. And he’ll no doubt drive their child around too.
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/10/2021 14:14

@SpicyPickle22

I feel like a man just has to sneeze on here and posters are like LEAVE HIM!!!

I love him. He is my best friend and I want to help him. Not ruin my own life by becoming a single mum to 2 kids, homeless and miserable when I haven’t even explored any options yet.

I agree sometimes people are very quick to say leave over what others would consider minor things.

However given the choice of being single or having a partner that needed a drink in his hand (as per your OP ) I’d take single any day. Especially with children as parents are the main role model in their lives.

Original poster
SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 14:17

I’m going to talk to him tonight when he gets home.

OP posts:
StopGo · 03/10/2021 14:20

"What shall I do about my husband's drinking?" Nothing - you didn't cause it and you can't change it.

You spend a lot energy justifying and minimising his behaviour. You'r not going to leave him so you just have to get on with it.

ThreeLittleDots · 03/10/2021 14:21

But he can't control his drinking - that's a heck of a lot more than a sneeze OP.

My childhood was ruined by my Dad's alcoholism. He didn't drink a great deal but it soured everything - my parents' relationship, our home.

It eventually escalated and he died in his 50s because he always chose alcohol.

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/10/2021 14:21

There is no way of helping him. He does it on his own or not at all.

It will be damaging his liver, raising levels of inflammation in his body increasing his risk of cancer and heart disease and raising blood sugar which will damage blood vessels causing blindness, kidney failure and loss of sensation to the feet.

Brokensunflower · 03/10/2021 14:24

What's noticeable is that you are drinking alcohol free stuff during pregnancy (&possibly wine too by the sound of your mini bottles of wine).

This makes me think you too liked a drink before and perhaps it was a big part of your life together. You stopped / cut down. He hasn't & doesn't see the big deal as he's always done this with you. You don't think it's as bad as everyone is telling you as you because you are used to it. He's having 40+ units a week. That's pretty bad. He also appears to be drink driving if he's drinking several points after 7pm then driving at 5am.

Wolfiefan · 03/10/2021 14:26

You’re going to talk to him? And say what?
You don’t want him drinking so much
He doesn’t want to drink less.
You can’t change his behaviour. Only your reaction to it.
The bottom line is best friend or not you either tolerate him drinking (probably more and more) or you end this.
FFS don’t marry him.

midlifecrash · 03/10/2021 14:29

Can he talk to someone about the diabetes alcohol interaction. The beer elevates his blood sugar then sometime the next day he will have a crash and that will really add to any craving. He may need to look at changing his diet altogether to manage withdrawal from beer and should do that with proper advice.

JustWorriedSick · 03/10/2021 14:31

Sorry to sound harsh but this may be the wake up call you need.

What about when he's too drunk to come and visit you and a tiny baby 2 days after birth

What about when you have to beg him to get out of bed at 5pm on a Saturday so you can get your very unwell asthmatic child to hospital

What about when you are two kids in and you are forced to leave as he isn't parenting full stop

What about when he has the kids for an afternoon and he gets so pissed he can't speak

What about when he hasn't seen your kids for 2 years as you (and the court) require a breathalyser before visits

What about when he nearly kills himself through drink and you actually think (because you've been pushed to that point) that your kids would be better off

Original poster
SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 14:31

I’m perfectly entitled to have the occasional zero alcohol beer during my pregnancy. I have maybe one a week. He buys a pack of four for me, although he tends to drink them before I get to them. My small bottles of red wine are for cooking. I cook a lot of pasta dishes.

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 03/10/2021 14:44

Im not sure what advice you're looking for.

You said he is a good dad. Does he already have children? What does he do that you consider makes him a good dad?

If he is driving to work at 5am he must be still over the drink-drive limit. He is a danger to himself and other people on the road every day.

He is regularly taking your drinks from you as he cares more about himself than you.

If drink is causing problems he needs to stop.

If he cannot make time to see a counsellor despite making time to sit and drink, he isnt interested in changing.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 03/10/2021 14:46

@SpicyPickle22

Everyone here who has had experience with alcohol problems has advised you that you can’t make a problem drinker do anything unless they want to. So unless your partner has asked for your help to change and is actively working at it, you can be very sure that he won’t change, before or after your child arrives, before or after your planned wedding.

So the only choice you have is whether you want to live like this or not. If you have decided that you will stay no matter what, then there is nothing else anyone on this thread can do to help you.

Polkadots2021 · 03/10/2021 14:47

@TimeForTeaAndG

I'd leave or tell him to leave. If he can't have 1 beer without having a crate then he's an alcoholic and going sober cold turkey isn't ever going to work unless he wants to.

Make other plans for getting to the hospital, speak to your midwife and any family/friends around.

Id second this. When a baby gets added to the mix this gets a whole lot more complicated and potentially dangerous if one parent has a drinking problem. If he can't control it now and needs a beer in hand just to sit in front of the tele' how's he gonna be when you're both sleep deprived, the house is upside down as happens in the newborn days and you're both exhausted and at the end of your rag?
Polkadots2021 · 03/10/2021 14:50

@SpicyPickle22

I feel like a man just has to sneeze on here and posters are like LEAVE HIM!!!

I love him. He is my best friend and I want to help him. Not ruin my own life by becoming a single mum to 2 kids, homeless and miserable when I haven’t even explored any options yet.

Also this reads as 'you were all meant to tell me he's fine really'. Unfortunately it isn't fine but I get that it's scary to address what really needs to be done.
Bumpsadaisie · 03/10/2021 14:53

@SpicyPickle22

He’s drinking so much now. At least 4 pints an evening. He promised me he would do sober October and he failed on the first day.

I’m due to give birth next month and I genuinely don’t trust him to be able to drive me to hospital if I went into labour. He agreed to stop drinking from now at 34 weeks as my pregnancy has been so bad and I’ve had quite a few trips to triage lately and there’s a chance baby could come early.

He drinks his beers then he will sit and drink all of my zero alcohol ones. He will go days at a time on the zero stuff so I don’t think it’s an actual alcohol for fancy but he needs to physically have a beer in his hand when he’s home. I don’t know if I’m just more sensitive to it because I’m not drinking myself atm. I just don’t know what to do. It upsets me so much.

I think the reality is that no one except your husband can do something about your husband's drinking.

You can make plans to try to protect yourself and your DC.

But you can't do anything about HIS drinking. Only he can do that. At the moment it sounds like he doesn't really want to do much about it.

You must then decide if this is something you can accept or not.

Original poster
SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 14:54

There’s no alcohol in the house atm. If he comes home with more today I’m going to tell him I’m leaving and see what he says.

OP posts:
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