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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What shall I do about husbands drinking?

218 replies

SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 10:49

He’s drinking so much now. At least 4 pints an evening. He promised me he would do sober October and he failed on the first day.

I’m due to give birth next month and I genuinely don’t trust him to be able to drive me to hospital if I went into labour. He agreed to stop drinking from now at 34 weeks as my pregnancy has been so bad and I’ve had quite a few trips to triage lately and there’s a chance baby could come early.

He drinks his beers then he will sit and drink all of my zero alcohol ones. He will go days at a time on the zero stuff so I don’t think it’s an actual alcohol for fancy but he needs to physically have a beer in his hand when he’s home. I don’t know if I’m just more sensitive to it because I’m not drinking myself atm. I just don’t know what to do. It upsets me so much.

OP posts:

Couldhavebeenme3 · 03/10/2021 11:38

@TimeForTeaAndG

Then you will never be able to leave your child with him as you'll spend the entire time worrying. And you'll end up resenting him for not being able to prioritise you and his child.

The beer won't be helping his diabetes either but he needs to want to get help. You can't fix this for him.

This, op. This.

I begged my ex to quit as I approached the end of my pregnancy, fortunately I went into labour on a weekday morning so he'd not been on such a bender the night before.

I ended up doing literally everything for my baby. Everything. Every feed, every single nappy, every broken night. Ex just wasn't ever sober enough, or 'present' enough. Everything we did as a new family revolved around his need to drink - I never could as I had to be the sober one, the responsible parent.

My ex was drinking because he felt depressed but refused to seek help, and so the spiral continued.

He is not a good man op, he CANNOT be a good parent if he prioritises drinking over you and your dc, you will absolutely end up resenting him and his drinking problem.

DrManhattan · 03/10/2021 11:39

Feel bad for you. Hes going to make himself really ill, drinking all that and being diabetic.
He needs help before it gets too late.

georgarina · 03/10/2021 11:41

Sounds like him controlling it himself isn't working.

I think you need an ultimatum - he speaks to his GP about getting help or you stay somewhere else?

Original poster

SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 11:43

I’ve got nowhere to go. Even just to scare him.

He tried counselling but he just can’t commit to it because of the hours he works.

OP posts:

Couldhavebeenme3 · 03/10/2021 11:43

You need a plan B for getting to hospital, and maybe even birth partner. Perhaps a good friend, or your mum? And be honest with them why you are asking them.

And a plan B for the long term. Is this what you want your child growing up in?

BrilloPaddy · 03/10/2021 11:46

You don't need to go anywhere.

He does.

Original poster

SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 11:47

He’s not going to leave his own house. We’re not actually married yet, we get married in December.

OP posts:

DFOD · 03/10/2021 11:48

Have a look at Al Anon.
You will get support there.

He is not just an issue when he is physically drinking - he is also difficult when he is in a low mood hungover or edgy when craving a drink - so his “problematic drinking” impacts 24/7.

Of course you don’t want to leave - but you may have to.

Keep paying attention to your feelings in your gut …. not the thoughts in your head which are just spun through understandable denial and wishful thinking - but which mean that YOU are inadvertently ultimately enabling his addiction by minimising and tolerating. If you called time - he may realise what he is losing and choose to fix it - if you don’t it will get worse and worse.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease - even if he doesn’t drink more units - those units will have more impact on a deteriorating body and his health will decline.

Give your finite emotional resources to yourself and your baby - that should be your focus.

Original poster

SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 11:52

He’s never hungover or low in mood. He functions absolutely normally if you see what I mean. He doesn’t even really get drunk. It’s just the every night drinking I find so bizarre and I come from a family of drinkers!

OP posts:

georgarina · 03/10/2021 11:53

@SpicyPickle22

I’ve got nowhere to go. Even just to scare him.

He tried counselling but he just can’t commit to it because of the hours he works.

So talk to him about it directly. Explain how you feel and the scope of the problem as he may be minimising it in his mind. Then ask what his solution is bearing in mind he can't control his drinking (he will probably ask for one more chance etc but you have to be honest, say he needs professional help).

Then figure out some alternative if he refuses.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 03/10/2021 11:54

Sounds like he uses it as an excuse to 'unwind' so needs something else. It's a habit that has built up over time and is the same as any addiction, he's got to want to give up. Maybe the health angle will work? Does he really want to be a diabetic dad to your child and all that entails?

kateg27 · 03/10/2021 11:55

First we need a clear picture of how much he is drinking. You say 3-4 pints a night. How many of these are drinking the ultra low alcohol beers?

Teeturtle · 03/10/2021 11:55

He wants to cut down but doesn’t want to stop completely

Yes I think most alcoholics (the ones who have admitted the problem to themselves) would prefer it if they could cut down but not stop completely. But it is not possible, for the addict, one drink is too many as it will never be enough.

Unfortunately, unless and until he decides for himself that this is what he wants, you will not be able to help him.

DFOD · 03/10/2021 11:56

@SpicyPickle22

I’ve got nowhere to go. Even just to scare him.

He tried counselling but he just can’t commit to it because of the hours he works.

The no time for counselling is BS.

Lots of counselling is in the evenings.
Also early mornings.
Some on Saturdays.
Much now online.
Many workplaces allow “medical appointments”

He just doesn’t want to do it.

There will be somewhere for you and your baby to live in peace.

Notaroadrunner · 03/10/2021 11:57

@SpicyPickle22

He’s not going to leave his own house. We’re not actually married yet, we get married in December.

Please don't marry him. Start making plans to get the hell away from him. Alcoholics can not cut down. It does not work like that. They need to stop and stay off it, nothing less than that is going to work. You need to educate yourself on the deceit, the abuse, the manipulation that comes with being an alcoholic. Already he's showing his alcoholic traits - making excuses for not going to counselling - bullshit! Unless he works 24/7 he can fit in sessions on his time off. Asking you if it's ok to have a drink - guilt tactics so he can then justify drinking because you can't be annoyed if you told him he could have one. No doubt he's having more than you are aware of.

You can choose a life of hell for yourself if you wish, but it is entirely unfair of you to choose that for your child. That innocent baby deserves better.

Original poster

SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 11:57

I don’t count the zero beers. The 3-4 pints are pint cans of San Miguel or Stella. If he buys a crate he will drink all 15 cans over 3 nights. Sometimes he buys the big bottles as I said why don’t you just get one of those as it’s only about 2 pints but he will buy 2 or 3 of them. He will then drink my zero ciders or my little mini bottles of red wine.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 11:59

He definitely doesn’t drink during the day. He’s too busy at work and he would never drive even after a sip of alcohol.

The counselling I understand to a point, his hours really are very stupid and as he’s on a rolling rota he has different days off every week.

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 03/10/2021 12:01

He’s perfect -apart from:

- The fact he can’t commit to being able to take you to hospital when you’re in labour, potentially leaving you stranded
- he has such a close relationship with alcohol that he couldn’t stay sober for one day - so will be unable to be trusted to take care of your child alone
- he is endangering his own health by drinking and not taking care of his diabetes, so risks leaving your child without a father and you without a partner.

Yeah, he’s a prince

I came on to say basically the same.

OP I really feel for you but almost everything suggested..you say no to and then explain how good he is. And that you're getting married soon.

You cant do anything for him.

He doesn't see a problem

It will just continue after you are married and your baby is born if he doesn't do anything himself.

Notimeforaname · 03/10/2021 12:01

Or you can make plans to leave. Yoi cant stip him breaking promises. Please reconsider getting married unless he actively gets help

Notimeforaname · 03/10/2021 12:02

You can do counselling over video chat. My partner had to during the pandemic. You can get late/early appointments to for around work too.

Notimeforaname · 03/10/2021 12:02

Fit around work*

DFOD · 03/10/2021 12:04

@SpicyPickle22

There it is - come from a family of drinkers.

This is your normal. How was this for you as a child - is this what you want your motherhood and your baby’s childhood to be dominated by?

AA say that you don’t define an alcoholic by what, when, how much, how often they drink - it’s how the consumption makes others FEEL.

You are scared of the realisation and consequences and have now switched to minimising his issues to alleviate that fear / reality. That’s understandable in the state you are in but it won’t solve the problem.

You all deserve better than denial, progression and deterioration of all of your emotional and physical well being.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/10/2021 12:05

OP I get it: you don’t want to give up on him, you are still hoping he will prioritise you and your family over drinking. You’re in denial. And you aren’t the first and won’t be the last.

But he’s not perfect and he’s not a good husband. And he’s not going to stop because he doesn’t want to.

That ship sailed a long time ago. He already knows it upsets you and he knows he needs to stop for the baby but he can’t.

I get that you’re ready to face up to this yet. I can’t force you to. But I promise you the sooner you do face it, the easier it will be.

Original poster

SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 12:06

We can’t afford private counselling. He leaves the house at 5am and often isn’t home till gone 7 so NHS counselling just isnt doable.

OP posts:

BrilloPaddy · 03/10/2021 12:06

It sounds like alcohol is a big part of both of your lives OP..........

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