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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What shall I do about husbands drinking?

218 replies

SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 10:49

He’s drinking so much now. At least 4 pints an evening. He promised me he would do sober October and he failed on the first day.

I’m due to give birth next month and I genuinely don’t trust him to be able to drive me to hospital if I went into labour. He agreed to stop drinking from now at 34 weeks as my pregnancy has been so bad and I’ve had quite a few trips to triage lately and there’s a chance baby could come early.

He drinks his beers then he will sit and drink all of my zero alcohol ones. He will go days at a time on the zero stuff so I don’t think it’s an actual alcohol for fancy but he needs to physically have a beer in his hand when he’s home. I don’t know if I’m just more sensitive to it because I’m not drinking myself atm. I just don’t know what to do. It upsets me so much.

OP posts:
SweetBabyCheeses99 · 03/10/2021 16:38

You’re being surprisingly defensive about your “perfect” husband.
“I don’t know if I’m just more sensitive to it because I’m not drinking myself atm.”
I’m wondering if this give away shows that you both have a bit of a problem and that there is an element of co-dependency with the drinking? Do you really need alcohol free beer when you’re pregnant?! Are you looking forward to getting back to drinking of an evening too? Is there, as you suggest, an element of envy to this concern?

ThreeLittleDots · 03/10/2021 16:39

Do you own your home? It's good you're thinking of a back up plan x

Original poster
SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 16:41

He owns the home but when we get married it will be a joint asset. Plus I’ve put money into doing it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 16:41

And no I don’t have a drinking problem thanks. Hth.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 03/10/2021 16:44

@SpicyPickle22

He owns the home but when we get married it will be a joint asset. Plus I’ve put money into doing it up.
I'd get that checked as if he owned it prior to your relationship it might not automatically become a matrimonial asset and even if it did you might not be 50:50 if you split soon afterwards.
ThreeLittleDots · 03/10/2021 16:48

I’ve put money into doing it up

He could add you right now under a 'tenants in common' arrangement, with your stated share protected.

Namelessnancy · 03/10/2021 16:57

If he wants to quit or cut back there are some great books out there. "Alcohol lied to me" by Craig Beck, "Alcohol explained" by William Porter and "This Naked Mind" by Annie Grace are all amazing for anyone looking to better understand their relationship with alcohol.

1forAll74 · 03/10/2021 17:01

HE should be able to deal with this himself, especially as you have told him that you are worried about his habit, and because of your baby situation. He seems to have got into a bad habit with the beer, but not necessary an alcoholic to that extent.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 03/10/2021 17:07

Hang on, you've gone from saying people are being OTT suggesting you LTB to suggestion you tell him tonight that you're leaving?

To planning on leaving once you have finished your studies?

Original poster
SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 17:17

I’m not planning anything. I want him to get better. But if I have to leave it will be when I’m financially able to do so responsibly with 2 kids in tow.

OP posts:
DFOD · 03/10/2021 17:26

You might want to look v closely then as to whether marrying him in Dec is going to potentially be financially negative or legally complicated and unnecessarily emotionally painful for you if you were to divorcee in a few years time.

RowanAlong · 03/10/2021 17:27

Ohno I think you’re in for a tricky ride with a baby if he won’t cut down. I’d strongly suggest not marrying him yet until he gets himself sorted.

Redruby2020 · 03/10/2021 17:36

@Everym

My DP is the same. We have an 8wk DS our first. He cannot go a day without a beer, most is 3-4 a day minimum 1 bottle. The midwife ‘told him off’ about his alcohol consumption and looking after a new baby, it lasted a few weeks where he’d only have 1 bottle and stop before 6pm, now he makes 2-3 bottles last from 3pm ish when he’s back from work til 6 and not late into the evenings.

It’s honestly not worth the argument at this stage, I love him and our DS so much I need to pour my energy into DS not worrying myself sick like others have said here. Just wanted to let you no you’re not the only one, it caused many arguments when I was pregnant.

At this point I am waiting for DP to get diabetes type 2 or for the alcohol intake to notably affect his health (he is already overweight with a beer belly which he doesn’t like very self concscious but needs a beer to unwind after a stressful day at work (every day a stressful one). Hoping he will then change and cut it down, nothing I say works.

Nonetheless he is a great dad and has been much more hands on than I’d thought, does he fair share of bottles and changes. Hang on in there

No, they are not great dad's when they have alcohol problems sorry, saying it as someone who has grown up in a miserable life with one, and my own child's father is one.
Brokensunflower · 03/10/2021 17:43

I'm getting the feeling you are a bit all over the place here. You have had 2 kids with someone who drinks too much, you aren't married to and don't own the house with. You aren't working at the moment and knew he was drinking too much yet chose to have a second child. Now you are panicking.

I think you need to focus on sorting out yourself and your finances and level with him that this can't continue or you won't marry him.

Wolfiefan · 03/10/2021 17:46

Don’t marry someone with a drink problem OP! You need to be responsible NOW. That means planning a way forward where you don’t tie yourself to this drinker.

MarrymeTomHardy · 03/10/2021 18:01

@thepeopleversuswork

This is going to sound harsh but I don't want you to do what I did and spend years bargaining with him and then getting disappointed when he fails to meet his side of the bargain and eventually leave anyway.

There's nothing you can do about his drinking. He's an alcoholic and alcohol comes higher in the pecking order than you or his unborn child. You need to make peace with this.

You didn't cause this and you can't control it. The only thing you can do is control how it affects you.

To be honest your only real option is to leave. You won't be able to persuade him, nag him or cajole him. He may make superficial concessions for a short period of time but he won't do it for you. He will have to come to this realisation on his own. But you are about to have a child and you can't afford to hand the power over this to him.

If you leave there's a chance that this may shock him into doing something to address it - although I wouldn't count on this happening. If you stay nothing will ever change.

Take control of the situation, create an environment where you and your child are free from this.

This I stayed with mine until DD turned 5 - 5 years too long i'm afraid...
ThreeLittleDots · 03/10/2021 18:02

Are you concerned that you would not get the money back that you've put into the house, if you left now?

Cosyblankets · 03/10/2021 18:04

Don't threaten to leave if you're not prepared to do that. It will make you look weak

gunnersgold · 03/10/2021 18:04

My dad was diabetic and drunk too much alcohol , he died a very slow and painful death ( legs rotted from thr knee down but couldn't be amputated due to his weak heart) .. he needs to cut down or stop altogether if he can't . He won't be much use to you if he is drunk with a small Baby ! Is it your first? Is he worried about it all?

Paq · 03/10/2021 18:08

You can't help him unless you wants help. He doesn't yet want help. So you just have to decide whether you and your children can live with his drinking.

Original poster
SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 18:09

He’s just come home with 8 cans of beer. I can’t even look at him tbh.

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 03/10/2021 18:33

This needs challenging doesn't it OP? You could go into labour tonight then what will you do?

thepeopleversuswork · 03/10/2021 18:51

@SpicyPickle22

What you need to start to do now is disengage from it. It's hard. But he is signalling to you loud and clear that he is not prepared to change. He knows how you feel and he doesn't care -- or doesn't care enough. You can't continue to put yourself in a cycle where the person on whom you depend makes no attempt to tackle something which is so critical to your sense of wellbeing.

I understand that you may not feel ready to leave yet and given the stage you are at in your pregnancy I can understand this.

For now, focus your energy as far as possible as getting your finances sorted and planning what you will do when you leave him. Because leave him you must. Not necessarily now. But you can't remain with someone for whom alcohol is a great priority than you and your children.

StartingGrid · 03/10/2021 18:53

@SpicyPickle22

He’s just come home with 8 cans of beer. I can’t even look at him tbh.
Does he have work tomorrow? Could you buy a breathalyser just to give him a bit of a reality check? So sorry you're going through this, you must feel sick to the pit of your stomach. Could you try looking at alanon meetings for yourself, if he won't look at himself right now? One of you needs to change, whether it's him and the drinking or you and how you view him...
ftw163532 · 03/10/2021 18:55

I'm sorry. There is no point continuing to insist you don't want to leave. I'm sure you don't, and I don't envy the position you're in, but wishing things away never changed anything.

I take issue with your statement that leaving him would "ruin" your life - as if growing up with an alcoholic has never ruined anybody's life?

Put your defensiveness down. What do you want from this thread? Or more importantly, what do you need?

Nobody can tell you it's all fine no matter how much you argue. You clearly know it's not all fine. And if the training you had in psychology was of any quality whatsoever you know full well that you cannot use it to try and fix him - nobody could treat their own partner, even if the partner was remotely interested in treatment.