What shall I do about husbands drinking?

[SpicyPickle22]

He’s drinking so much now. At least 4 pints an evening. He promised me he would do sober October and he failed on the first day.

I’m due to give birth next month and I genuinely don’t trust him to be able to drive me to hospital if I went into labour. He agreed to stop drinking from now at 34 weeks as my pregnancy has been so bad and I’ve had quite a few trips to triage lately and there’s a chance baby could come early.

He drinks his beers then he will sit and drink all of my zero alcohol ones. He will go days at a time on the zero stuff so I don’t think it’s an actual alcohol for fancy but he needs to physically have a beer in his hand when he’s home. I don’t know if I’m just more sensitive to it because I’m not drinking myself atm. I just don’t know what to do. It upsets me so much.

Oh dear OP, you are in deep denial yourself.
He will never be able to have just one or two because he is an alcoholic.

I've deleted the paragraph telling you all about the horrible things that alcohol did to too many people I knew before it killed them.

Truly, it's going to be easier and less painful to leave now than later. How many years do you want to waste? Do you want to mess your DC up partially or totally?
You really do have my sympathy as this is so terribly hard for you. But there will be less mess for you if you end it now.

Well then you will just have to put up with it op. I'm sorry. No counselling..wont leave...
You'll have to just live on hope then.

And yes to echo what a pp said. Don’t marry him.

I know you need to prioritise the pregnancy now. But you should start thinking about how you will leave. Because you will need to leave.

@SpicyPickle22

He definitely doesn’t drink during the day. He’s too busy at work and he would never drive even after a sip of alcohol.

The counselling I understand to a point, his hours really are very stupid and as he’s on a rolling rota he has different days off every week.

Just more defending, denial and minimising (I understand why you are doing this - just trying to help you see what you are doing that is keeping you trapped in a loop)

Yes lots of people work shifts and counsellors have flexibility to accommodate their changing work patterns.

Maybe if he bought less crates of beer he could afford the counselling.

My DP is the same. We have an 8wk DS our first. He cannot go a day without a beer, most is 3-4 a day minimum 1 bottle. The midwife ‘told him off’ about his alcohol consumption and looking after a new baby, it lasted a few weeks where he’d only have 1 bottle and stop before 6pm, now he makes 2-3 bottles last from 3pm ish when he’s back from work til 6 and not late into the evenings.

It’s honestly not worth the argument at this stage, I love him and our DS so much I need to pour my energy into DS not worrying myself sick like others have said here. Just wanted to let you no you’re not the only one, it caused many arguments when I was pregnant.

At this point I am waiting for DP to get diabetes type 2 or for the alcohol intake to notably affect his health (he is already overweight with a beer belly which he doesn’t like very self concscious but needs a beer to unwind after a stressful day at work (every day a stressful one). Hoping he will then change and cut it down, nothing I say works.

Nonetheless he is a great dad and has been much more hands on than I’d thought, does he fair share of bottles and changes. Hang on in there

I love how these raging alcoholics are all without exception described as “great dads”.

You can’t be a great parent if you have a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. Unless you are working hard to address it.

Stop letting them off the hook!

If he's leaving for work at 5am after 5 cans of Stella and some mini bottles of red wine the night before he is very likely to be drink driving.

@SpicyPickle22

We can’t afford private counselling. He leaves the house at 5am and often isn’t home till gone 7 so NHS counselling just isnt doable.

It’s a bit like whack-a-mole this defensiveness - but let’s go again.

There are loads of FREE and low cost counselling / addiction services that run out of office hours - because guess what - that’s when people need them.

As for not being able to afford counselling - how about calculating what you spend on alcohol and reallocating that instead.

But he is a great dad. Like I said, the drinking doesn’t really effect any area of his life. I just know that he’s drinking too much.

@SpicyPickle22

But he is a great dad. Like I said, the drinking doesn’t really effect any area of his life. I just know that he’s drinking too much.

But it does affect you OP. You have said you find it upsetting and worrying. Ergo there is a problem.

I totally understand the place you are in as I have been there. But I promise you the quicker you wake up to it the easier it will be

You need to face it.

How many children do you have?

He has to want to stop. Protect yourself and your baby otherwise you're going to have a hard time ahead.

My ex was like this. After getting caught drink driving and me chucking him out, he said he would "prove he could do without the beer" and gave it up for about three months. That 3 months was great, then one night we went out for a meal, where we both drank coke all evening. Until I gave him a tenner and asked him to get us a drink while I went to the loo. When I came back he had a pint of lager. The best thing I ever did was tell him it was over.
I'm remarried now, and the ex and I are still friends, but he's still a drinker. He openly says that his biggest regret is that he put booze before me. He says this song is his song, he just drank beer, not whisky.

@SpicyPickle22

He definitely doesn’t drink during the day. He’s too busy at work and he would never drive even after a sip of alcohol.

The counselling I understand to a point, his hours really are very stupid and as he’s on a rolling rota he has different days off every week.

I am an alcoholic in recovery (i.e. I don’t drink now). I also never drunk during the day and I have never driven under the influence. I was (am) still an alcoholic, we are not all the same and don’t all grab a bottle as soon as we wake up and slob around doing nothing all day.

I actually don’t think your husband drinks a lot, I hasten to add I mean compared to many alcoholics I have met. But it is a progressive thing and there is an issue if he cannot control it and cannot stop once he starts. If that is the case for him, it will progress.

Again though, you are powerless to do anything about this unless and until he chooses to make the changes himself. I also think that you maybe a little in denial yourself.

Also

We can’t afford private counselling. He leaves the house at 5am and isn’t home until gone 7 so NHS counselling just isn’t doable

I never attempted to get help from the NHS, I am not convinced that there is much help available. But that is no excuse to not get help. AA meetings are readily accessible and more accessible than ever since covid and so many went online.

But it will affect your life and your child’s life.

You won’t be able to leave your baby with him, ever. Your child will grow up normalising this behaviour and will copy it when they’re older.

How is he a great dad when he can't even remain sober enough to make sure he can get his pregnant partner to the hospital?

@SpicyPickle22

But he is a great dad. Like I said, the drinking doesn’t really effect any area of his life. I just know that he’s drinking too much.

So you have other kids with him? God help them is all I can say. If he's working all those hours who is going out to buy the alcohol? If it's you then stop buying it. He can join AA and there are probably online meetings as well as local group meetings. Therefore there's no need to pay for counselling. Many are in the evening so no excuse when he gets in at 7p.m.

Stop making excuses for him. You came here looking for advice because he drinks too much and now you are trying to minimise the effects of his drinking. So he's a functional alcoholic - but still an alcoholic.

Leaving just isn’t an option and I’ve stated that many times now so it’s just not helpful to keep suggesting it.

Ok so what do you want us to say?

Op, it'll all be fine. If you keep sweeping it under the rug and turning a blind eye then it's as if he's not drinking. Right?

Leaving is always an option.

Speak to womens aid. Look at sheltered accomodation. Look at your options.

Do not marry this man, for Christ sakes.

My exH used to drink, then had periods where he'd stop. Then something would happen like the death of a relative. And he'd start again.

Then he'd "cut back" but that didn't last long either.

Then one day it was like he just changed overnight and he tried to choke me to death.

Then he said it was the alcohol that made him do it, and he'd cut back.

I left.

He still drinks.

I could not have trusted a man like that with a child. I didn't trust a man like that with a child.

We moved miles back home with family, and I had to air my dirty laundry to all and sundry and I had to accept pity, and support.

But no, op. I'm sure he's absolutely fantastic. The bee's knees.

@SpicyPickle22

Leaving just isn’t an option and I’ve stated that many times now so it’s just not helpful to keep suggesting it.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. You're in a difficult position.

The problem is that your only other option is to stay with him and submit your life and that of your child to his drinking. He won't change until he wants to. You encouraging/nagging him about it won't make him change, as you've seen, and will just drain you and sour your relationship.

You might want to get the thread moved to the alcohol support board. I know everyone here is trying to be supportive, but it doesn't help if you feel a little bit attacked, and the alcohol support people might have some ideas for you.

@SpicyPickle22

We can’t afford private counselling. He leaves the house at 5am and often isn’t home till gone 7 so NHS counselling just isnt doable.

What about aa

They have meetings daytime. Evening. Weekends etx

Sounds like he is just topping up the alcohol in his body so he won’t ever be drunk as such

He’s a functioning alcoholic. My husband was one sadly - he killed his self 10yrs ago

I can absolutely understand that the advice on this thread is not what you want to hear. But so many people have experience of the destruction alcohol dependence causes. What you see as slightly concerning but manageable can very soon escalate. And the people who will be suffering will be you and your child. Do you really want to bring up your child with an alcoholic father? Do not marry him and make plans for your future that do not include him. I speak from experience here - this will not end well if you don't take decisive action.

Please recognise that this is going to be your life... for the rest of your life.. if you are really really lucky...
And this is going to be your baby's life from the first breath..
Everything.. EVERYTHING.. will revolve round his drinking.. and it will escalate... have absolutely no doubt about that..
Is that what you want? Is that the life you dreamed of? For yourself.. for your child...
Stop making excuses for him.. he alone is responsible for this situation.. you need to get away.. lots of agencies to help you... but whatever happens...do NOT marry him.

I’d have left a long time ago as couldn’t live with a daily drinker.

I’d certainly not want that as the role model for my children or for them to think alcohol is the norm daily. We rarely have it in the house apart though.