Page 8 | What shall I do about husbands drinking?

SpicyPickle22 · 2021-10-03T09:49:40+00:00

He’s drinking so much now. At least 4 pints an evening. He promised me he would do sober October and he failed on the first day. I’m due to give birth next month and I genuinely don’t trust him to be able to drive me to hospital if I went into labour. He agreed to stop drinking from now at 34 weeks as my pregnancy has been so bad and I’ve had quite a few trips to triage lately and there’s a chance baby could come early. He drinks his beers then he will sit and drink all of my zero alcohol ones. He will go days at a time on the zero stuff so I don’t think it’s an actual alcohol for fancy but he needs to physically have a beer in his hand when he’s home. I don’t know if I’m just more sensitive to it because I’m not drinking myself atm. I just don’t know what to do. It upsets me so much.

Brokensunflower · 03/10/2021 20:29

He’s actually just sat down and told me that he’s arranged a counselling session for his day off on Friday and that he knows I’m 34 weeks tomorrow and that means no more beer. He must have felt his ears burning today!

That's great and I'm pleased for you but even assuming he does stop for 6 weeks until baby is born, don't let that fool you into thinking he's sorted out his relationship with drink. Dysfunctional drinkers often stop for a short period of time to "prove" they don't have a problem.

Wolfiefan · 03/10/2021 20:30

No more beer?
But he’s come home with more beer.
Trust his actions. Not his words.
Seeing a counsellor? Doesn’t mean he won’t drink.
You seem determined to stay with him and constantly make excuses. Who cares what your parents think?

Original poster

SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 20:32

Of course I’m determined to stay with him. I love him and he’s stuck with me through a lot worse!
If I can help him I will. I’m not going to give up on us yet.

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 03/10/2021 20:39

But this is what people are trying to get across to you OP. You cant help him. It just doesn’t work like that.

I have totally been where you are. I can almost hear myself in what you are posting. I understand the fear and the bargaining and the denial.

But you have been honest enough to admit that this is putting you under massive stress. You are not getting what you want from this man. And neither will your children.

At least do yourself the favour of allowing yourself to know you deserve more. You don’t have to act on it yet.

But stop lying to yourself. Stop feeling that it’s your job to fix him.

MrsBobDylan · 03/10/2021 20:41

@thepeopleversuswork I wasn't trying to suggest I thought op's partner would be able to give up, sorry if that's the bit which stood out

I was trying to say that I thought my dh wasn't an alcoholic for years and years because he was nice and didn't beat me up etc.

Also, when I said he either stop or I leave, he knew I 100% meant it. I agree that most alcoholics don't give, even when faced with loosing everything.

Op, your partner has just told you what you want to hear. Is he planning to drink the entire crate tonight then nothing until you give birth? Prepare to be disappointed.

Also, he can't engage in counselling while still drinking, no therapist will want to take him on once they find out he is an alcoholic.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 03/10/2021 20:42

@Brokensunflower

He’s actually just sat down and told me that he’s arranged a counselling session for his day off on Friday and that he knows I’m 34 weeks tomorrow and that means no more beer. He must have felt his ears burning today!

That's great and I'm pleased for you but even assuming he does stop for 6 weeks until baby is born, don't let that fool you into thinking he's sorted out his relationship with drink. Dysfunctional drinkers often stop for a short period of time to "prove" they don't have a problem.

Just hope that doesn’t mean he’ll hide the drinking from you instead. My BIL was very clever at disguising his alcohol consumption, he even fitted out his new workshop with tins holding his various tools on shelves.....each one was full of vodka, pints and pints of it. I wouldn’t believe a word he tells you.

Cosyblankets · 03/10/2021 20:43

@SpicyPickle22

My parents would not be happy about me leaving him! And I’m not going to yet.

He’s actually just sat down and told me that he’s arranged a counselling session for his day off on Friday and that he knows I’m 34 weeks tomorrow and that means no more beer. He must have felt his ears burning today!

But he brought beer home?

greendiva · 03/10/2021 20:50

He can't be in some charge of the baby in the evenings though if he's had 4 cans can he?

Embracelife · 03/10/2021 20:50

@SpicyPickle22

I’m just so embarrassed. Everyone thinks we have this perfect relationship which every other aspect is. I can’t talk to my friends and family about it.

I just don’t know what to do.

Talk to your family your friends your gp his gp your midwife Gef it out in the open You need to arrNge alternative driver to take you He is diabetic ? How will you know if it s alcohol or diabetic issue?

Couchbettato · 03/10/2021 21:03

This thread is making me pull my hair out.

It seems like you just don't want any help OP.

Life isn't black and white.

You can love someone who is bad for you. Accepting they're bad for you, and your children, and acting on that despite loving them is courageous. It's brave and selfless and will protect your children from a future that despite your best efforts, you can't predict.

I don't know why you're determined to stay.

He's not yours to fix. He should seek help for himself irrespective of whether you've laid down the law or not.

Do you think he'd still seek counselling if you hadn't asked? I don't. And thus, he's not really doing it for him, he's doing it to placate you.

Also, he couldn't get counselling before, right? Doesn't fit round his work hours.

Suddenly he can get counselling. Even if that's true, I don't believe he'll commit to it. It just seems like the next step in kicking the can down the road so you'll stay and he doesn't have to face consequences for his actions.

I wish someone had spared me from growing up in a house with alcoholics, then maybe I'd have spotted the severity of my own relationship situation much sooner.

This isn't just about you now Op, it's about your kids too.

Original poster

SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 21:08

It’s called being a supportive partner. I’m not the sort of person to walk away when things get tough. Like he hadn’t walked away from me when I’ve had my issues.
Yeah now know where to start so thanks to the people who offered the advice on the alcoholic groups and that evening counselling wasn’t something we were aware of.

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 03/10/2021 21:14

@SpicyPickle22

It’s called being a supportive partner. I’m not the sort of person to walk away when things get tough. Like he hadn’t walked away from me when I’ve had my issues. Yeah now know where to start so thanks to the people who offered the advice on the alcoholic groups and that evening counselling wasn’t something we were aware of.

It's not being a "supportive partner" to be codependent on someone who is going to kill themselves early through drink. Who won't be present in your marriage or for your children. Who won't ever put you before alcohol. Who will have you walking on eggshells all the time wondering if he can be trusted not to drink too much. All the time. It's called throwing yourself and your children under a bus.

Wake up OP. I get that its painful and hard. But FFS be honest with yourself. For your kids if not for you.

Namelessnancy · 03/10/2021 21:27

learn.thisnakedmind.com/the-alcohol-experiment-registration

This is a 30 day program, free and online by the author of This Naked Mind. Fantastic for a break from alcohol whilst learning about your relationship with it and how to quit/moderate in future. Honestly can't recommend it enough. AA can feel a bit faith based for some (not disputing the good it does for those it works for). The alcohol experiment/this naked mind, one year no beer and club soda are other options. There is definitely support Nd help out there though.

DaphneduM · 03/10/2021 21:28

You've had excellent advice on here from those of us who have sadly experienced this for ourselves and left relationships because of alcohol dependence in husbands and partners. If you want to take the moral high ground and dismiss this - considering yourself to be a supportive partner - then go ahead and bury your head in the sand. The next time you experience the anxiety of his drinking too much, I hope you think of this thread and remember the words of wisdom on here and take steps accordingly.

Original poster

SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 21:34

I’m not taking any sort of moral high ground. I just don’t want to walk away from it yet, I’m not ready and I don’t think he is so far gone that it isn’t solvable. I think people have this image of him coming home from work and getting drunk and sitting around being all moody that’s not the case at all. He doesn’t drink when my daughters awake and he’s non stop doing housework, cooking, laundry etc because I physically can’t do a lot atm. He just drinks while he’s doing it. He’s never once started an argument with me, I’ve never seen him actually drunk. He absolutely adores me and tells me every day. He just needs help with this and I want to do that for him. Just like he had helped me with my addictions and crisis in the past.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 03/10/2021 21:36

[quote MrsBobDylan]@thepeopleversuswork I wasn't trying to suggest I thought op's partner would be able to give up, sorry if that's the bit which stood out

I was trying to say that I thought my dh wasn't an alcoholic for years and years because he was nice and didn't beat me up etc.

Also, when I said he either stop or I leave, he knew I 100% meant it. I agree that most alcoholics don't give, even when faced with loosing everything.

Op, your partner has just told you what you want to hear. Is he planning to drink the entire crate tonight then nothing until you give birth? Prepare to be disappointed.

Also, he can't engage in counselling while still drinking, no therapist will want to take him on once they find out he is an alcoholic.[/quote]
I would expect a counsellor not to continue to take money from him if he is unwilling to engage in treatment with his local community drug and alcohol team.

If he really wants to address the issue he'll approach them - I'd expect there to be a waiting list until he can get a face to face appointment after a triage, which should enable him to work round his shifts. Many people in treatment do work.

Other people's stories are not your story, but those who said that you can't control his drinking and he has to make a decision to look for help are right.

Best wishes, OP.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 03/10/2021 21:37

OP - you cannot love him better. You just can’t.

Your first priority needs to be with your children - your daughter is seven and will be very aware of everything which goes on in her home, and you are bringing a new baby into your lives, who will put stress on all of you. This is not a time for you to be trying to support someone to give up alcohol (even though he doesn’t actually want to give up, just cut down 🙄).

Do you honestly feel that he is safe to drive your child around? That he is reliable enough to get you to hospital when you go into labour - bearing in mind he has already tried to give up once for a month and lasted one day?

If he is serious about this he can live alone and prove to you over a significant period of time that he can get better and stay better, but in the mean time you need to have a quiet, safe, stable home for yourself and your children, where alcohol isn’t an extra person in your family.

elephantstrong · 03/10/2021 21:38

Plenty of people go into alanon wanting to leave partners and end up choosing to stay. Plenty go in planning to stay and end up choosing to leave.

Unless it's unsafe, it's often recommended to make no big changes or decisions for at least 6 months.

It takes time to see clearly what's happening, to decide how to look after yourself, to work out what your acceptable and unacceptable behaviours in a relationship are, and what boundaries you're prepared to put in for yourself and then enforce by you taking action if they're not respected.

It's ok not to know what to do.

Original poster

SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 21:40

@Namelessnancy thank you for that link hes downloaded the app now and is watching some of the videos

OP posts:

DFOD · 03/10/2021 21:44

@SpicyPickle22

My parents would not be happy about me leaving him! And I’m not going to yet.

He’s actually just sat down and told me that he’s arranged a counselling session for his day off on Friday and that he knows I’m 34 weeks tomorrow and that means no more beer. He must have felt his ears burning today!

How did he arrange that on a Sunday?

As PP have said - he is just saying what you want to hear…..whilst he stands there with 8 cans.

Original poster

SpicyPickle22 · 03/10/2021 21:46

No he hasn’t because he’s showed me the email, he did it on Friday. Stop projecting onto me. You can not possibly know his intentions through my posts on mumsnet.

OP posts:

RosiePosieDozy · 03/10/2021 21:49

He seems dependent on the alcohol in order to relax. He's probably driving home and thinking of the ice cold beer, associating the beer with relaxation at the end of the day. He needs to break this cycle and find other ways to relax.

He needs to put a plan together of how he can break the cycle. Only he can do this.

Paq · 03/10/2021 21:51

@SpicyPickle22 believe me that I say this with your best interests at heart. You cannot help an alcoholic unless they 100% want to change and they work to do it.

I've been to absolute hell and back with an alcoholic in my family. Which, after years of relapses and broken promises led to a drink fuelled car crash with a toddler in the back seat.

Thankfully no one was hurt but just be very, very careful to know what your own boundaries are to keep you and your children safe.

bigbaggyeyes · 03/10/2021 21:52

Hopefully he will stick to the agreement of not drinking past the 34 weeks. Time will tell of he puts alcohol before you or his unborn child.

JustWorriedSick · 03/10/2021 21:52

I hope you continue back to this thread and read the genuine advice on it OP. Those of us who have been there know how badly you want to believe his stories about no more beer etc. I hope for you and your childrens' sake that he is serious about getting help.