Have namechanged as embarrassed about this situation.
Eldest son didnt get in to his preferred course at chosen university, I encouraged him to take up the same course at the opposite end of the country., I thought that student life might make him more self-reliant with the support system of halls around him. Before he left, I realised that I had made a terrible mistake in this encouragement and that he simply wasn;t self-sufficient enough as I prodded and prodded him to deal with the paperwork, but he was excited and I didnt want to be the bad guy.
Despite my misgivings, things seemed to go well, he seemed happy, was attending lectures, learned how to wash clothes and all seemed good. Because his paperwork was late, he didnt get his grant, but I had spoken to the halls and they were understanding as they could see the paperwork was in. The first Christmas home (2019), he had a massive row with his younger brother, much drama, but left with it all resolved and everyone friends again.
He went back, his grant came in and he assured us that he had paid his (catered) halls, which left him with spending money for the rest of the year. Then he got covid, by the time he recovered, the University had moved to online teaching only, he couldnt/didnt get access and the rest of that year was basically a write off, he did no work and failed everything. . I spoke to him about moving to a university up here and starting again and he seemed to be considering it. He did by now have a girlfriend, and they had spent most of lockdown together.
They both came up at Summer, and she was quiet, but lovely. I spoke to him again about coming up to restart university and he told me that his gf had also failed, was retaking the year and he wanted to be with her. I suggested that he went back but took a year out, earned some cash, and had a think about what he wanted to do the following year.
They rented a room in a shared house, with him unofficially staying but not on the tenancy. When he came up at Xmas (2020), not only had he not been working it seemed this housing arrangement had blown up, and he could no longer stay there, that he had not paid any hall fees the previous year, and was horrifically overdrawn. He asked for a £600 deposit for a room and £300 for a bike to do deliveroo. I had a bit of a "come to jesus" talk with him where I repeated over and over that the solution was to get a job, any job, as soon as possible and start digging his way out of this mess, but you know it was a shit year and I was willing to give him some leaway and cycling is healthy , so I gave him £1k
A month after this, one of the sharers wanted to move out, and he had the opportunity to rent a room, so he moved back in, I let him keep the deposit money. He seemed to be doing deliveroo piecemeal, scraping rent every month, and was struggling even with his Dad sending him £50-100pcm, and me sending him in the region of £2k over this 6 month period Telephone contact was sparce, but the course his girlfriend was doing was being shut by the university, she was likely to fail again and he was trying to persuade her to come up here with him, they would both live here, go back to college then on to university. This seemed like a plan!
In August he phoned me and asked if I would buy him a ticket up to visit, I knew he was skint so I agreed. What followed was just a whirlwind. The mess, the rudeness, the entitlement, the swaggering about - his sister had borrowed his headphones that he had left here and lost them. I offered to replace them but it turned into an enormous drama with him demanding far far more than I believe they cost. He basically ruined his brother's birthday to the point where I was in tears in the kitchen, he had an enormous row with his Dad who had had the baliffs for his hall fees debt at his door, which almost turned physical. I am wfh, yet he was crashing about at all hours of the day and night, wandering in and talking to me while I was on meetings, continually demanding my time and attention over trivia, yet in the month he stayed here he was unable to change a lightbulb I repeatedly asked him to (high ceilings, he's tall, I cant safely reach). So much of it was trivia,... but there was so much of it. He announced that he would not be coming back, his gf was moving in with her parents, he would get a flat nearby and she would move in. The main feeling that most of us had when he left was relief but skepticism that his flat plan would work out.
Then radio silence for a month...until friday. I got a call from him saying that he had been staying in hotels but had run out of money and was now going to live in a tent while his council house application came through. I explained that this really wasnt how council housing worked and that as a single man he was at the very bottom of the priority list. He then sent me a link to a private flat he had been looking at, but - and with a very very long sob story about why - could not afford (any of) the deposit. I said I would take a look. I spoke to him a few hours later where he seemed to think that I had agreed to transfer him £4k(!) for this deposit, I made it clear that I had done no such thing.
I gave it careful thought last night. I am not well disposed to him after his recent antics, but he is clearly in a mess. I cannot have him staying here, I simply do not have time for the petty arguments, mess, interruptions and rudeness. His dad has offered to put him up short-term on condition that he buck his ideas up. I wrote to him this morning offering a "three figure sum" for him to use as he pleases, but that I strongly recommended that he took up his dad's offer, and used the money to return. What I got back was a torrent of messages calling me "financially negligent", "a twisted sociopath", that I blame him for things going wrong in my life and that "everyone" has said that it is bad for his mental health to speak to me, and that I am never to call him again.
I am now quite seriously worried, but even less inclined to transfer him any money. AIBU/WWYD?
(oh lordy, this is long, congrats if you made it to the end)