Not to help young adult son with rent deposit

[namechangeuser4859304]

Have namechanged as embarrassed about this situation.

Eldest son didnt get in to his preferred course at chosen university, I encouraged him to take up the same course at the opposite end of the country., I thought that student life might make him more self-reliant with the support system of halls around him. Before he left, I realised that I had made a terrible mistake in this encouragement and that he simply wasn;t self-sufficient enough as I prodded and prodded him to deal with the paperwork, but he was excited and I didnt want to be the bad guy.

Despite my misgivings, things seemed to go well, he seemed happy, was attending lectures, learned how to wash clothes and all seemed good. Because his paperwork was late, he didnt get his grant, but I had spoken to the halls and they were understanding as they could see the paperwork was in. The first Christmas home (2019), he had a massive row with his younger brother, much drama, but left with it all resolved and everyone friends again.

He went back, his grant came in and he assured us that he had paid his (catered) halls, which left him with spending money for the rest of the year. Then he got covid, by the time he recovered, the University had moved to online teaching only, he couldnt/didnt get access and the rest of that year was basically a write off, he did no work and failed everything. . I spoke to him about moving to a university up here and starting again and he seemed to be considering it. He did by now have a girlfriend, and they had spent most of lockdown together.

They both came up at Summer, and she was quiet, but lovely. I spoke to him again about coming up to restart university and he told me that his gf had also failed, was retaking the year and he wanted to be with her. I suggested that he went back but took a year out, earned some cash, and had a think about what he wanted to do the following year.

They rented a room in a shared house, with him unofficially staying but not on the tenancy. When he came up at Xmas (2020), not only had he not been working it seemed this housing arrangement had blown up, and he could no longer stay there, that he had not paid any hall fees the previous year, and was horrifically overdrawn. He asked for a £600 deposit for a room and £300 for a bike to do deliveroo. I had a bit of a "come to jesus" talk with him where I repeated over and over that the solution was to get a job, any job, as soon as possible and start digging his way out of this mess, but you know it was a shit year and I was willing to give him some leaway and cycling is healthy , so I gave him £1k

A month after this, one of the sharers wanted to move out, and he had the opportunity to rent a room, so he moved back in, I let him keep the deposit money. He seemed to be doing deliveroo piecemeal, scraping rent every month, and was struggling even with his Dad sending him £50-100pcm, and me sending him in the region of £2k over this 6 month period Telephone contact was sparce, but the course his girlfriend was doing was being shut by the university, she was likely to fail again and he was trying to persuade her to come up here with him, they would both live here, go back to college then on to university. This seemed like a plan!

In August he phoned me and asked if I would buy him a ticket up to visit, I knew he was skint so I agreed. What followed was just a whirlwind. The mess, the rudeness, the entitlement, the swaggering about - his sister had borrowed his headphones that he had left here and lost them. I offered to replace them but it turned into an enormous drama with him demanding far far more than I believe they cost. He basically ruined his brother's birthday to the point where I was in tears in the kitchen, he had an enormous row with his Dad who had had the baliffs for his hall fees debt at his door, which almost turned physical. I am wfh, yet he was crashing about at all hours of the day and night, wandering in and talking to me while I was on meetings, continually demanding my time and attention over trivia, yet in the month he stayed here he was unable to change a lightbulb I repeatedly asked him to (high ceilings, he's tall, I cant safely reach). So much of it was trivia,... but there was so much of it. He announced that he would not be coming back, his gf was moving in with her parents, he would get a flat nearby and she would move in. The main feeling that most of us had when he left was relief but skepticism that his flat plan would work out.

Then radio silence for a month...until friday. I got a call from him saying that he had been staying in hotels but had run out of money and was now going to live in a tent while his council house application came through. I explained that this really wasnt how council housing worked and that as a single man he was at the very bottom of the priority list. He then sent me a link to a private flat he had been looking at, but - and with a very very long sob story about why - could not afford (any of) the deposit. I said I would take a look. I spoke to him a few hours later where he seemed to think that I had agreed to transfer him £4k(!) for this deposit, I made it clear that I had done no such thing.

I gave it careful thought last night. I am not well disposed to him after his recent antics, but he is clearly in a mess. I cannot have him staying here, I simply do not have time for the petty arguments, mess, interruptions and rudeness. His dad has offered to put him up short-term on condition that he buck his ideas up. I wrote to him this morning offering a "three figure sum" for him to use as he pleases, but that I strongly recommended that he took up his dad's offer, and used the money to return. What I got back was a torrent of messages calling me "financially negligent", "a twisted sociopath", that I blame him for things going wrong in my life and that "everyone" has said that it is bad for his mental health to speak to me, and that I am never to call him again.

I am now quite seriously worried, but even less inclined to transfer him any money. AIBU/WWYD?

(oh lordy, this is long, congrats if you made it to the end)

He is autistic if he has a diagnosis of aspergers. He clearly is struggling to function in the real world and needs a lot more help. Help doesn't mean handing money but with the act of being an adult. He's lashing out because he is completely overwhelmed.

@Takemetothe90s, reported. You've obviously had no first hand experience if autism and seen how, at its worst, it can blight and ruin lives. It is a disabilty, not a fad or an excuse.

This is his YO-YO moment.
You’re on your own.

Follow the money.

Where has it gone?

I wouldn’t give him anymore money. He has had enough chances to show that he can’t manage it.
Repeat the offer to stay with his Dad, encourage him to come back for a talk with you both about how you can help him.
It’s a difficult one, I don’t think you did the wrong thing encouraging him to take up his place initially, lots of students are disorganised and just about muddle through. Learning lessons along the way. Is there no way he could resit, usually first year failures can always be retaken? Is he academic or is he really struggling at university level.
It’s been difficult with covid and managing in a student grant is not easy, most parents have to provide a top up from the start. That said he does seem to be very ‘lost’,has he started taking drugs? Drinking too much, I wonder if this fits with his erratic behaviour at school.
Try to support him emotionally as,much as possible, despite the real strain. My brother started like this, chopping and changing universities, courses, drinking too much, left got a job, got made redundant, found himself 3 years later with no degree, no job, drinking in the pub at lunch as well as evening, quickly became an alcoholic which led to years of turmoil, self harm and ultimately his death at 52 from not managing his diabetes (purposely). I don’t want to add to your mental strain but it can be very difficult for some to find their path in life and your son is clearly suffering. Try and ignore the ridiculous fuss about headphones etc, these are probably just symptomatic of his emotional pain, try and get him home again and get him to open up, get to the bottom of his worries. Try and focus on the big picture, at the moment he is alive, healthy?, happy with his girlfriend? I recently read that we need 2 main things to be happy, a sense of belonging and a sense of value/worth. It seems like your son has neither of these, he has been drifting, not belonging anywhere and no sense of value, failing everything and nothing working out. I know to an extent this is of his own doing but some people just need more help in life and this may just be a rocky period and he will be all sorted in a few years or he may need more ongoing longer term support, some people just do.
Best of luck with it all, I really hope you find a way through, sorry he’s lashed out at you but when people are really in pain they often lash out at those closest, really hard on you but try not to take it to heart.

I agree with the poster who says, Asperger or not, you should stop enabling him. I imagine he's spending the money on drugs and has run out on top of everything else. He needs to work his way out of this situation or he'll do it again. Train home or minimal deposit on a room, then no more , whatever the circumstances.

for you OP. That all sounds very difficult and stressful - and horribly familiar. This year has had a similar effect on my daughter - dropped out of uni, angry and upset at everyone and everything for much of the last 18 months. I was pretty impressed with the local job centre place - where I am they had a hub for 18-25 yr olds when she signed on for UC and she responded better to them than me. Within a few weeks had also found a job, and it's early days so don't want to jinx it, but she seems to like. Having these kidults in our houses at this stage of their lives is really tough I think and not something our parents had to deal with. Good luck with your son, there are loads of us struggling with the same and all we want is for them to land somewhere happy!

@cissyandbessy
dd also found help, when pushed, but not from me, by the circumstances, from universal credit and job centre.

Going to stay with Dad is sensible. Think you need to get to the bottom of what's going on. Failing at uni will have massively impacted his self esteem and going from that into low paid work takes a lot of processing. Creating a ladder out of it is hard but I'm sure can be done. I think your and dad's cash might be best spent on some sort of counselling for him. Just being able to tell someone how he is feeling who is not attached helps

Don't do it, in fact I wouldn't give him any more money. Let him know there will always be a bed and food for him at your house or his dad's but now he's an adult the financial assistance ends.
My brother was just like you described and he stayed on this cycle of borrowing and spending. My mum never put her foot down and gave into him every time. Right up till she died at 60 and left a 35 year old man incapable of looking after himself. The entire family cut him off, it's been years since any of us saw him. None of us were willing to take mums place (much as he tried) the first year after her death he stayed/borrowed money without repaying etc but soon realised only his mum was willing to fund him and put up with his bullshit. Teach him now or you'll not be doing him any favours.

Sounds like a nightmare. Has he actually spoken to any letting agents ? Even if you gave him the deposit they won't let to them without an income and credit checks so tell him to go ahead and try then you're not the bad guy.

Just read that he’s got Asperger and is high functioning. In which case you really need to fight to get him through higher education somehow. My eldest has dyslexia, found organising anything very difficult, struggled at university, failed the first two years due to missing lectures, drinking too much, disorganised, didn’t have money issues as topped up by his Dad and did pay his halls fees. Eventually got his act together and then got the academic prize for his course in the final year. Has gone from strength to strength. (Have had other hiccups along the way to uni but thankfully never rude behaviour on top). My brother with hindsight clearly had dyslexia and really struggled with organisation, paper work, managing university life but was very high functioning. He never got over his sense of failure having not completed a degree and was never fulfilled in a job that didn’t need him to use his brain to full capacity, drifted for years feeling unfulfilled and lost. If you think his Dad really won’t help can you have him home for a while until he can refocus?

I think you have to stand firm on this. Giving him money isn't helping him.

This story is so familiar. On one level he reminds me very strongly of my brother who was similar when he was young. He moved around from place to place dossing and sofa surfing with friends and relations borrowing money, dropping out of numerous jobs, making his various rooms into pig sties until he had used and abused every possible ounce of good will and generosity available to him. He eventually ended up sleeping on the streets. It was a wake up call for him and he adjusted his priorities. He is nearly 60 now and although he still doesn't have what I consider a healthy or productive life style, he works pretty regularly and always makes sure that his rent and utilities are paid before he spends what he has left on alcohol. Not on his kids or food which will always be secondary to drink but he has learned enough to keep a roof over his head.

He also reminds me of a friends child whose story has a happier ending. This lad went to uni because his parents wanted him to. He wasn't academic at all and wasn't cut out for it. Despite constant financial and practical support from his parents, to a level that could be considered helicopter parenting, he failed his exams over and over again and ran up massive debts, mostly by buying drink and weed instead of paying his rent. After about 4 years of this he finally left uni and got a very low level job at less than minimum wage in a field he had loved since he was a child. It was the sort of job that teenagers do for pocket money rather than a 'proper' job. His mum was distraught that he was wasting his life. That was 7 years ago and it was the making of him. He loved what he did. He had absolutely found his place in life and worked his way up to a pretty high level very quickly. He went to AA and NA and has been drink and drug free for 4 years now. He is married with a child and is an exemplary young man.

Family bailing these boys out over and over again did them no favours. What they needed was tough love and responsibility and your son sounds the same.

Aren't deposits capped at 5 weeks rent now? Are you sure he'll use 4k for the 'deposit'?

Even if it was that much, I'd be very wary that he would trash the place and lose it all.

@SpiderinaWingMirror

Going to stay with Dad is sensible. Think you need to get to the bottom of what's going on. Failing at uni will have massively impacted his self esteem and going from that into low paid work takes a lot of processing. Creating a ladder out of it is hard but I'm sure can be done. I think your and dad's cash might be best spent on some sort of counselling for him. Just being able to tell someone how he is feeling who is not attached helps

I agree with this.

It has been a shocking couple of years for this cohort - but there are plenty of schemes (eg kickstart) and jobs around. He has many opportunities / options to earn money and take responsibility. However he can only do this in the right mindset and currently he can’t or won’t. This needs nipping in the bud before a long entrenched pattern emerges.

It is v hard to deal with someone who is in an aggressive mindset.

Is there any opportunity to talk to the GF?

Would he get a flat if he hasn't got a job? Regarding the money, I might pay the deposit but I certainly wouldn't hand over the cash to him. I wouldn't act as a guarantor either as I don't think he'd pay his rent.

OP the Aspergers diagnosis is hugely relevant. Many people with the condition have huge executive functioning difficulties. They can be managed when they have the scaffolding and support of home life but the wheels come off as soon as they go to university and have to become self reliant. I have seen it again and again, right down to the lashing out - which is prompted by fear and anxiety about their ability to cope with the demands being placed upon them. This is not the same as a rude and entitled NT kid not wanting to stand on their own two feet.

This is a really difficult situation OP. I don’t think you should give him the deposit for the flat (mainly because I don’t think anything else will change and you’ll be back in the same position in a year’s time) but equally just telling him to get on with things isn’t going to work either.

Another thing to investigate is whether a MH issue has arisen. It’s a common age for bi-polar or depression to develop and it’s rarely diagnosed before an addiction is in place to cope with it which just exacerbates the situation.

@Blogdog

Totally agree with everything you've said here.

OP I think the best way forwards at the moment is for him to stay with his dad. He clearly needs more support.

It sounds like he needs a bit if support tbh but I agree you can't just keep bailing him out. He needs a plan and to stick to it.

Being young can be hard and sometimes people aren't mature enough for the responsibility of managing their finances. I certainly wasn't! When I was a student , I was Hallyday if I was only £1000 overdrawn! It's a lot up deal with and some help managing it is necessary (not doing it all but helping ). If he has aspbergers then he will may also need support with basic living stuff.my nephews both have high functioning Aspergers. Got into uni but struggle with basic things like booking train tickets, buying food and getting places on time.

Sounds like some time out at his dads would be good

Do not bail him out, you have done too much of that already. If he goes off in a huff, he'll be back in the future.

My onw son has Asperger's but that's no excuse for sheer entitlement. I had to do tough love to make him stand on his own two feet but there was no bailing out....I didn't have the sort of money you've already handed over anyway.

It was tough and my son had to do all sorts of crap jobs to keep his (shared) accommodation going but 10 years on from the age of your own son, mine now has a flat of his own, a stable job and is earning decent money. He has grown up no end and is a really pleasant, responsible adult (it wasn't like that when he was 20!)

You really have to say no. Don't get over-invested or feel guilty, even though that's hard. Back off gently, if he has an adult tantrum just ignore. Don't bail him out but if he makes contact, just reiterate your suggestions...taking a job, shared accommodation, no, unfortunately you can't afford any more cash at all as you've already helped out as much as you can. Repeat, repeat. He will survive and eventually grow up....

I also think the Asperger's is relevant here. I don't know what you should do to help him best, but he probably just isn't able to cope with being an adult and getting a job and accommodation. Maybe there are some charities that help young adults on the autistic spectrum and they would be able to advise you.
Tough love probably won't work as it is just too stressful/hard for him to sort his own life out, especially now it has spiralled so out of control.
I too would be worried about his mental health, this is too much for him to cope with alone

Remember that things you or I think are simple and easy to do can be impossibly difficult if you have Asperger's. If he is high functioning it can lead people to think he will be able to cope, and it can mask the problems he has. I really think he needs support, but I'm not sure in what form that should take.

You are WAY too involved. You suggested he did this, funded that, advised on this.

Say no, you're not actually helping him learn if you're just throwing money at him.

@SplunkPostGres

I thought he sounded very mentally unwell from the series of events. Then I saw he’s diagnosed with Aspergers. Sounds like he needs professional support at this time.

I agree.

He is struggling.