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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I welcomed her in, the she stole my friend

224 replies

Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:09

Aibu in feeling a bit put out by this…

New mum moved to the area before summer, we’d chatted online and she was worried about not knowing anyone etc, I said she could come out with my group of friends, I invited her out each time, made sure she was included, invited her to the mums group online too, all was ok.
Now she and my best mum friend I’ve known for a few years (our toddlers were always the ones that played together, we did all events together etc) do everything together, their kids do everything together and they’re out for coffees all the time. She occasionally will text saying I’m ‘Very welcome’ to pop along if I’d like.
I realise I probably sound a bit ridiculous and we’re grown women who can have whoever we want as friends, but just feel a bit 😕to have been the one making all the effort to make sure she felt included and welcome and not lonely etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:10

*Then she stole my friend

OP posts:
SunnyLeaf · 30/09/2021 15:11

I would feel the same as you Sad not sure there’s much you can do about it though.

HollowTalk · 30/09/2021 15:11

It's much more common than you'd think. I would hate that - it takes time to build up friendships - you offered her a quick route in and she's shut you out.

Dora26 · 30/09/2021 15:13

It’s just as much your other friend to blame

Botherfreedays · 30/09/2021 15:16

Steal her back! Smile organise coffees etc, you don’t have to invite the new mum. Sometimes you need to work hard at friendships if you want them.

babouchette · 30/09/2021 15:19

They call this "cuckooing" don't they? It's happened to me. I chose to opt out of both friendships. Eventually the cuckoo showed her true colours and I'm now back on good terms with my original friend.

ClaudiaWankleman · 30/09/2021 15:19

It's possible they have schedules that really suit each other - are they swapping childcare? If their children get on well it's unsurprising they would see quite a bit of each other, especially if they are trying to build that network of friends via their children.

On the other hand - organise things without inviting her.

ClaudiaWankleman · 30/09/2021 15:20

They call this "cuckooing" don't they? It's happened to me. I chose to opt out of both friendships.

Or Wendying, if the cuckoo turns the other friend against you.

ExplodingCarrots · 30/09/2021 15:20

@babouchette

They call this "cuckooing" don't they? It's happened to me. I chose to opt out of both friendships. Eventually the cuckoo showed her true colours and I'm now back on good terms with my original friend.
I think it's also called being 'Wendy'd' . It is actually very common , been mentioned on here loads. It's hitting Op.
ExplodingCarrots · 30/09/2021 15:21

Gutting not hitting

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 30/09/2021 15:21

Human beings aren't handbags and don't get "stolen". She's literally inviting you along as well. She also isn't stopping you organising your own events or outings with whoever you like and yes, it would be petty and bitchy of you to try and elbow her out of the group again just because she's been a success in it.

She hasn't taken anything away from you or your friendship with your "best mum friend", who would presumably be a bit bemused to learn you think you have a stake in who she sees.

Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:22

@babouchette I’ve never had it happen before and we both have other friends beside each other, this situation has just particularly pissed me off though!
I’ve seen the new mum a couple of times at meet ups and she mentions how she’s seen lots of (my friend) I’m like ‘Ok?’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

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CrumpleHornedSnowcack · 30/09/2021 15:22

it sounds to me your a little jealous OP, why don't you go along with them?

PurpleDaisies · 30/09/2021 15:23

Why isn’t this your best friend’s fault for seeing you less?

Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:25

@CrumpleHornedSnowcack Not jealous, just a bit put out.
The invite has always been very very last minute and I’m generally already organised with something, I also know what last minute invites often mean

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Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:27

@PurpleDaisies Yes, I do feel sad with her too, she’s generally very flakey and we’re casual and easygoing with each other, it takes anyone ages to organise things properly with her as she’s so scatty, I don’t mind that. This new friend seems to be quite persistent with her.
I don’t get why when I see her she says she’s been over to her house etc, she’s literally just arrived and it’s like I’m the new person

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cabingirl · 30/09/2021 15:27

Sometimes you just click with someone - she's new she found someone she really gets on with, of course, she's going to be making an effort to nurture this new relationship.

She's probably really grateful to you that you helped her make a new friend.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 30/09/2021 15:27

Is her name Wendy by any chance?

Though Wendying I think is when they alienate the group from you as well. Hope that's not the next stage, OP.

HeartsAndClubs · 30/09/2021 15:28

I don’t believe all this wendying talk. Nobody can be stolen, your friend has clearly decided to form a separate friendship with this woman which is entirely her prerogative.

It’s also entirely possible they just have more in common with each other than with you, which only became apparent once they formed a friendship.

I agree it feels shit, but friendships come and go. If she’s inviting you out go along, if not, invite your other friend out.

Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:29

@CrumpleHornedSnowcack Tbh I don’t fancy going along to something they’ve organised together and I’m the last minute invite, all just feels v weird!

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LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 30/09/2021 15:30

Have you tried to organise anything recently?

They get on, they invite you to stuff, and also do things alone. They aren't doing anything wrong at all by not inviting you to everything.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 30/09/2021 15:30

Sounds like you've been Wendied

Is your best friend or new mum friend who is initiating this? If new num friend then maybe you just need to make more effort. It was nice of you to introduce her but it is possible your new mum friend clicks more with your best friend.

PurpleDaisies · 30/09/2021 15:30

Aren’t you still trying to organise things with your friend?

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 30/09/2021 15:32

I don’t get why when I see her she says she’s been over to her house etc, she’s literally just arrived and it’s like I’m the new person

An uncharitable person like me would say it’s because she’s trying to piss you off so you bugger off and she doesn’t have to be reminded by your presence that she’s been a cow to you.

Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:33

@LateDecemberBackInLowB12 The new friend has offered for me to come to something they’ve arranged last minute, I just don’t feel comfortable, not sure why really, sounds stupid, I know.
Just feels a bit sad for my Dd too as it was always her and friends dc and now it’s like a new thing between their kids.
I will organise something with my friend, we both always say it but are rubbish at not getting life get in the way etc. I guess because this mum is new she’s making more effort to meet up with her etc.

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