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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I welcomed her in, the she stole my friend

224 replies

Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:09

Aibu in feeling a bit put out by this…

New mum moved to the area before summer, we’d chatted online and she was worried about not knowing anyone etc, I said she could come out with my group of friends, I invited her out each time, made sure she was included, invited her to the mums group online too, all was ok.
Now she and my best mum friend I’ve known for a few years (our toddlers were always the ones that played together, we did all events together etc) do everything together, their kids do everything together and they’re out for coffees all the time. She occasionally will text saying I’m ‘Very welcome’ to pop along if I’d like.
I realise I probably sound a bit ridiculous and we’re grown women who can have whoever we want as friends, but just feel a bit 😕to have been the one making all the effort to make sure she felt included and welcome and not lonely etc.

OP posts:

calvados · 01/10/2021 22:19

Very common Im afraid…. Give her enough rope etc …then your friend will be back if you still want the friendship

SunnyCoco · 01/10/2021 22:38

Yes, if you are turning down invitations to come along AND also not organising anything yourself, then I'm afraid you're as much to blame :(

Pick yourself up and hang out with whoever you want to hang out with x

ellyeth · 01/10/2021 23:41

Surely it's not possible to "steal" a friend? Your friend has made a choice to prioritise this new person. I would find it very hurtful and I think your friend, much more than the new person, has treated you very inconsiderately.

You never know, your friend might get fed up with the new person as she gets to know her better. Your friend has known you for several years and surprise clashes of opinions and values are unlikely to arise. I know from experience that sometimes people that you are drawn to at first - perhaps because they are amusing, fun and confident - can turn out to be not that nice. Nevertheless, even if that were to happen, I would be more wary of my friend in future and would probably widen my friendship group so as not to be too attached to one person.

Mamanyt · 02/10/2021 00:17

[quote Neveranymilkleft]@CrumpleHornedSnowcack Not jealous, just a bit put out.
The invite has always been very very last minute and I’m generally already organised with something, I also know what last minute invites often mean[/quote]
Well, apparently, with your friend, last-minute invites might mean that because she's very "flaky," to quote you, plans came together at the last minute. It might be nothing more than the newcomer is way more flexible and available at the last minute, and that you are invited at that last minute because that's how plans were made.

mummysherlock · 02/10/2021 00:20

The whole ‘she’s stolen my friend’ mentality is childish tbh. You’re not at primary school anymore.
No human being is anyone else’s property, we are free to make friends with whoever and as many people as we like. Friendships are not exclusive like romantic relationships.
If the shoe were on the other foot, and you had moved to a new area where you know nobody, would you not be keen to make an effort to make new friends? And if you are introduced to a new group of people, and you find you click with someone and share similar interests would you not want to try and develop that friendship?
In this case, it seems new mum and your old friend have hit it off and the fact that they are spending a lot of time together suggests that maybe old friend has more in common with her than with you. Whilst this is sad and you can’t help how you feel, it is what it is and not all friendships last. In the meantime sulking on the sidelines isn’t going to help you: Either accept the invitation and not think too deeply about how it is worded - and it may be last minute because the plan itself is last minute. Who knows, the 3 of you may get along well and you dd gains another friend aswell. Or be the one to organise a meet up with them both and see what the response is.
Of course new friend hasn’t stopped you from arranging to meet up with old friend as just the two of you: but by your own admission neither of you are great at planning and organising a meet up and life gets in the way. New friend seems to be the only one trying to organise anything at all, and if you and old friend really can’t prioritise meeting up sometimes then maybe you are not as close as you thought and the friendship was due to fizzle out at some point anyway. This does happen a lot with mum friends as the children get older and make their own friends at school if you don’t have anything other than the children in common. Maybe focus on friends that you have from hobbies etc and not just mum groups?

Suchasonganddance · 02/10/2021 09:13

No good deed goes unpunished, no matter how well intentioned.

Coffeepot72 · 02/10/2021 09:18

I agree that no one is someone else’s property and that people cannot be stolen HOWEVER joining a friendship group is one thing, muscling in on a close friendship is something different. I don’t believe that anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence does this accidentally. And women can be really devious sometimes, sadly.

CallMeNutribullet · 02/10/2021 09:53

People don't own people, so friends can't be stolen.
They hit it off and started spending time together, that's OK. You can still be friends with both of them

mamabear715 · 02/10/2021 10:31

@Neveranymilkleft
Wouldn't it be lovely to be as perfect as some posters here? ;-)
I would also be upset & tbh keep people at arms length nowadays, I am much more about my family, and I've never been happier!

billy1966 · 02/10/2021 10:48

OP,

Of course YANBU to be a bit sad about it.

Accept it and make arrangements with other friends AND make a plan with flakey friend, just the two of you.

Things move on, but if you like her, you can stay in touch.

Riada · 02/10/2021 11:51

@billy1966

OP,

Of course YANBU to be a bit sad about it.

Accept it and make arrangements with other friends AND make a plan with flakey friend, just the two of you.

Things move on, but if you like her, you can stay in touch.

I think this is perfectly fair, and a better way of approaching the situation than all the 'she stole my friend' rhetoric.

Ultimately, think about what you really want, OP. If you want your friendship with your old friend to continue, then see this as a wake-up call, start prioritising it and do things to make sure it continues, regardless of who else she may also be friends with.

LovelyIssues · 02/10/2021 15:21

Yanbu OP and completely entitled to feel put out. It's probably just a novelty that will wear off I find

HarrietsweetHarriet · 02/10/2021 16:49

Friends sometimes come and go, OP. I quite understand your feelings of being usurped and left out. If you can possibly behave in a way that makes them both think you're too busy to care, and you have other friendship groups you can mix and have fun with, you may find your BFF comes running back to you when the novelty of the new supposedly mutual friend wears off (which it most probably will). It's then up to you whether you still feel you want / trust her as a BFF ......

Bogeyes · 02/10/2021 23:25

They call this "cuckooing" don't they? It's happened to me. I chose to opt out of both friendships. Eventually the cuckoo showed her true colours and I'm now back on good terms with my original friend.

This will happen

LukeEvansWife · 02/10/2021 23:31

No they don't. See upthread. Cuckooing is a serious offence involving a vulnerable person.

This is someone joining a group and obviously getting on well with one person, and the one who introduced them thinks her friend had been stolen.

ellyeth · 03/10/2021 00:23

Men can be devious too. Why, when anything of this nature is discussed, does someone have to come in with remarks like "women can be bitchy", "women can be sneaky", etc. etc. These characteristics can pertain to both sexes.

savannahnights · 03/10/2021 05:23

@toxic44

A friend (A) took in a mutual friend (B) whose DH had thrown her out after catching her once to often in bed with a different guy. B stayed 6 weeks and when she left took A's husband with her. A had found them on her living room floor, well-occupied, and told B to leave. She didn't expect her DH would go too. There are friends and friends.

A sounds like the winner in this story...got rid of two disloyal horrible people in her life at the same time. Wonder how long it will take for him to find B in bed with another guy if he hasn't already, hope for his sake that he was smart enough not to expect the serial cheater to be faithful to him when he left A for her.

LukeEvansWife · 03/10/2021 05:53

@ellyeth

Nobody is denying that men can be devious. But they are less likely to make a drama out of this kind of issue.

Smurf123 · 03/10/2021 06:16

@Neveranymilkleft is it not possible that actually they are only making the plans fairly last minute?
I have a new baby and a toddler planning on advance can be hard work most of the meet ups with my friends are when one of its suggests to do something within 24 hours or even that afternoon.
Also have one friend who usually says no or is busy etc so I tend to ask other friend first and then send message to other friends saying me, x and kids are meeting up to do xyz if you want to join.
Its not about leaving her out or not wanting her to come we do and we always invite her but if we only met when she was also free we would rarely see each other.

Feeasco · 03/10/2021 12:36

I totally get why you feel hurt.
Obviously this new friend is trying very hard to fit in and meets a need in your existing friend too. That is what you originally wanted, except to be included as you did.
I would also not like a last minute invite.
The mature thing is to let that friendship develop. If either of them are worth keeping they would consider your feelings. You were sensitive enough to consider how this new friend may be feeling and that same sensitivity is hurting you now. Friends like yourself are keepers.
Focus and lean on your other friends now.
There is nothing that drives people away like desperation or dependency.
Make it easy for either friend to come back.
Focus on growing through this. Don't take it personally. Sensitive people are incredibly loyal but don't always get the same back and can feel let down or hurt. Rather focus on your personal growth - you can't control others choices. Personally I think your long standing friend should not neglect you but only you can figure out if she has or whether she is just reasonably mixing.
❤

TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 13:31

@LukeEvansWife

Nobody is denying that men can be devious. But they are less likely to make a drama out of this kind of issue

Your point being that women are more dramatic than men with regard to friendships?

LukeEvansWife · 03/10/2021 13:45

Well yes actually. Judging by MN anyway. I can't even imagine a man complaining that someone had stolen his friend.

EspressoDoubleShot · 03/10/2021 14:20

@Bogeyes

This will happen

No, cuckoo in his when a vulnerable person home is used for nefarious activities The vulnerable person is targeted, their home is used as base by dominant adults It falls under category safeguarding and it’s a criminal offence

So, no don’t compare some she said, she did spat to a criminal offence

FeeLock · 04/10/2021 19:34

@Neveranymilkleft

babouchette is probably about right here - if she's this intense she'll wear out anyone's tolerance. Suggest you develop other friendships & hobbies; if your BFF truly is worth your shared history she'll come round.

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