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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I welcomed her in, the she stole my friend

224 replies

Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:09

Aibu in feeling a bit put out by this…

New mum moved to the area before summer, we’d chatted online and she was worried about not knowing anyone etc, I said she could come out with my group of friends, I invited her out each time, made sure she was included, invited her to the mums group online too, all was ok.
Now she and my best mum friend I’ve known for a few years (our toddlers were always the ones that played together, we did all events together etc) do everything together, their kids do everything together and they’re out for coffees all the time. She occasionally will text saying I’m ‘Very welcome’ to pop along if I’d like.
I realise I probably sound a bit ridiculous and we’re grown women who can have whoever we want as friends, but just feel a bit 😕to have been the one making all the effort to make sure she felt included and welcome and not lonely etc.

OP posts:
Spindrifting · 30/09/2021 16:14

[quote Neveranymilkleft]@Spindrifting I suppose it’s the way she just swooped in and organises lots with my friend, occasionally saying I’m welcome to come with her and friend if they’re going out (always last minute too, literally a couple of hours before)
It’s fine as we all like different people and she clearly really likes her, just feels a bit shit![/quote]
But are you still organising things to do with your original friend or not?

Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 16:14

@FreeBritnee As I said though, they now do lots together and it seems a very last minute, afterthought by new friend to welcome me along. I just don’t like it, if it was me, I’d probably text saying ‘Do you fancy coming for coffee, I’ll invite (best friend) too?
It’s always like they’ve organised something and I’m ‘Welcome to join’ even those words? I don’t know, I’m not used to it in my friendship group

OP posts:
Siepie · 30/09/2021 16:18

You’re turning down invitations and not organising anything yourself. If you want to maintain a friendship, you need to put some effort in. It’s not her fault that you’re not.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 30/09/2021 16:18

It's quite likely they organised it last minute if your friend's a flake.

You have the option of going with them, organising your own outings with one or both of them or whoever you like, or sitting on your bum sulking. Your choice.

HereLiveIAmNotACat · 30/09/2021 16:19

I don’t understand this at all. She had no friends in the area so you introduced her to your friends so she wasn’t lonely and are now put out that she has made friends with them?! What was the point of introducing them if you didn’t want them to be friends?
Nobody has fallen out with you, you haven’t been uninvited to anything. What is the issue?
If anything it should be nice as your friendship group has just expanded?

oakleaffy · 30/09/2021 16:20

I understand where you are coming from, but I’d say your original friend is as much to “blame” as the newcomer

If the original friendship was solid would this have happened?
Real friends aren’t easy to find.
Acquaintances are.
It happens with men and their friendships too.
Some are very superficial.

GreyhoundG1rl · 30/09/2021 16:20

[quote Neveranymilkleft]@FreeBritnee As I said though, they now do lots together and it seems a very last minute, afterthought by new friend to welcome me along. I just don’t like it, if it was me, I’d probably text saying ‘Do you fancy coming for coffee, I’ll invite (best friend) too?
It’s always like they’ve organised something and I’m ‘Welcome to join’ even those words? I don’t know, I’m not used to it in my friendship group[/quote]
To be fair, I can see how that might rankle...
Where is your actual friend in all this, though? How does it play out when she organises something herself?

Billandben444 · 30/09/2021 16:21

I get how you feel. Can you invite original friend to something specific and see what the dynamic between you is like? Lunch at a new wine bar or a drink after work? Don't inclue the children as they will be a distraction and, obviously, don't include new friend! See how well the conversation flows and then you'll know if it's time to let go or not.

Anordinarymum · 30/09/2021 16:22

I think the fact that she has gone out of her way to invite other people separately and not join in the bigger group and leaving OP out is the main issue here.

If I were invited to something previously arranged by her and my friends giving me a couple of hours notice I would be miffed also.

OP give her a wide berth and concentrate on your other friends.

LuchiMangsho · 30/09/2021 16:22

This is why female friendships are a minefield.

New woman goes to a school event. She organises 1-1 meet ups with some of the mums. Presumably also to help her child settle.
Gets along well with Mum X. Makes more plans with Mum X. Mum C who hardly ever makes plans with Mum X but is a good friend feels pushed out and vows never to welcome new mothers to the school again.

This all sounds quite intense.

IrishMel · 30/09/2021 16:22

I do understand how you are feeling. But just message your friend and arrange to do something you always did together just the two of you. The new one seems insecure if she keeps trying to throw it in your face how she has met your friend. Do not let the new one see she has gotten to you at all as that is what she wants to try to push you out. Very mean of her when you brought her into the group. Also arrange for you all to meet up and see how it is as bet your old friend will be just the same, sounds like the new friend is very persistent in the meet ups with your old friend. Try not to worry but do keep in touch with your old friend. Maybe organize a Halloween party for everyone and see how it goes.

ButtonMoonLoon · 30/09/2021 16:23

I would just carry on as you’ve always done with your friend, organise the Halloween thing you usually do with your partners and children.
Nothing has to change between you both unless you let it

QueenBee52 · 30/09/2021 16:24

@ClaudiaWankleman

They call this "cuckooing" don't they? It's happened to me. I chose to opt out of both friendships.

Or Wendying, if the cuckoo turns the other friend against you.

yip... I've heard the Wendy'ing term too ..

not nice OP..

Find new friends 🌸

TheFoundations · 30/09/2021 16:24

Sounds like you feel like a victim because your friend has made a new friend.

It's your mindset you need to have a look at here. People don't get stolen from other people. Your friend is still your friend. Perhaps if you improved your knowledge of how relationship dynamics work, you'd feel better? Friendships change. Your friends may meet people they prefer to spend time with than you. People do what they want. If you find yourself pissed off because you are suddenly missing a friend, then feeling sad about it is fine, but seeing it as someone having 'stolen' your friend isn't good or accurate.

Focus on doing things that make you feel better, and, if you want to, on making more friends.

Doyoumind · 30/09/2021 16:26

I do think your former best friend had a significant part in this. She's hardly blameless. It's like blaming the OW. It was a shitty thing for your new friend to do but your old friend turned out not to be such a great friend after all.

HeartsAndClubs · 30/09/2021 16:27

Bloody hell. The more I read of this thread the more it’s becoming clear why these friends have moved away from the OP.

Foolsrule · 30/09/2021 16:29

I get you OP, had the exact same thing happen a few years back and it really did sting. The worst part was I found that a few of the other mums were meeting up regularly at the new mum’s house and yet I wasn’t invited. Ditto a birthday party held in a local park, we literally thappened to be there by chance, some of our group showed up and it turned out new mum had invited them all, my old friend included, and not asked me. She did look a bit stupid that day as it sort of exposed the situation. I’m still friends with the original mum now, new mum made a move on her husband in the end!

GreyhoundG1rl · 30/09/2021 16:29

@HeartsAndClubs

Bloody hell. The more I read of this thread the more it’s becoming clear why these friends have moved away from the OP.
That's a bit nasty Hmm
Anordinarymum · 30/09/2021 16:30

@HeartsAndClubs

Bloody hell. The more I read of this thread the more it’s becoming clear why these friends have moved away from the OP.
Yet funny how OP had all these friends before the new one appeared don't you think?
LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 16:32

These sort of friendship dramas should really be finished by the time people leave school, surely?

DeclineandFall · 30/09/2021 16:33

So many people scoffing at you and telling you to grow up but this is absolutely a thing, and unless you've had it happen to you, you wouldn't believe that such people exist.
I think the Wendy gets a kick out of being the Alpha and won't be that if she just enters an already formed group. So she's stealing your friend and it's all done under the radar so if you complain you look a bit mad. Like any sort of abuse really. She'll have picked whoever she sees as the weakest. She'll be manipulating your friend and doing the friend equivalent of love bombing. She will get bored eventually and move on. Depends whether you want to forgive your old friend or not. It is utterly rotten though.

user1471538283 · 30/09/2021 16:33

I've had this. A friend at the time was thrown out by her bf so I arranged for her to stay with my friend in the same city. They just knew each other vaguely through me. Within a couple of months I was actively frozen out and let down. I will never do anything like that again.

HereLiveIAmNotACat · 30/09/2021 16:35

I am baffled reading this thread.

We don’t own friends.

Why would you be bitter over a new friendship?! What’s bad about them being friends? This all makes no sense!

PlonkyWillyWonky · 30/09/2021 16:35

I get it. You included her as part of the friendship group. She is indicating by her language you are an extra to it
I think she is the immature one, not you

Spindrifting · 30/09/2021 16:36

@Anordinarymum, but there's no coercion involved -- the new friend is not holding the old one hostage, nor is she some kind of evil enchantress, tempting the faithful old best friend away from the OP. The new person is simply more proactive than the OP and her old friend at organising things to do together, and from what the OP says herself and and her old friend had got a bit lazy about seeing one another.

In one way, the OP could see it as a timely wake up call -- a realisation that she values her friendship with the original friend and should (if she wants to, obviously) make sure she makes a point of arranging to see her regularly, so they don't drift apart.