I welcomed her in, the she stole my friend

[Neveranymilkleft]

Aibu in feeling a bit put out by this…

New mum moved to the area before summer, we’d chatted online and she was worried about not knowing anyone etc, I said she could come out with my group of friends, I invited her out each time, made sure she was included, invited her to the mums group online too, all was ok.
Now she and my best mum friend I’ve known for a few years (our toddlers were always the ones that played together, we did all events together etc) do everything together, their kids do everything together and they’re out for coffees all the time. She occasionally will text saying I’m ‘Very welcome’ to pop along if I’d like.
I realise I probably sound a bit ridiculous and we’re grown women who can have whoever we want as friends, but just feel a bit 😕to have been the one making all the effort to make sure she felt included and welcome and not lonely etc.

*Friend

I agree with the sentiment that we don't own other people. People should be free to socialise with who they want to and this is not a static choice. Life moves on and changes.

I don't expect to be included on everything and don't care at all that I'm not! I expect my friends to spend time with other people as they choose to.

If I introduce friends to other people and they hit it off then I'm happy about it.

Sometimes it hurts when friends move away either by moving location or just by spending less time together. Occasionally a friend might mention an event I'd like to have been invited to. But really you have to respect their choices or how can you expect them to respect your choices? Friendship isn't about control.

I understand your feeling disappointed but I don't think either of your friends have done anything wrong.

They might happen to have more in common. They probably would have met up at some point without you anyway.

I agree, don't let be bitter. Do join them and act like it's all fine.

It happened to me too, but ultimately, I respect that my 2 friends have some things in common that I don't share. We don't do exclusive, most of the time we'll meet all together, sometimes it as 1:1, no bickering or jealousy, it works just fine.

@DillonPanthersTexas Yes, she hasn’t gone to that extreme (yet) she did separately invite some of the mums out individually when she first joined the group, we generally don’t do that much, in the way she did, it was sort of weird

Do grow up OP

I don’t know why this particular mum bothers me, friend and I both have separate friends neither of us know and it’s never crossed my mind before. I’m not sure why it’s bothering me more really.

[quote Neveranymilkleft]@DillonPanthersTexas Yes, she hasn’t gone to that extreme (yet) she did separately invite some of the mums out individually when she first joined the group, we generally don’t do that much, in the way she did, it was sort of weird[/quote]
I think it's easier to get to know people in 1-1 or smaller group settings especially if you are new.

She's clearly very proactive about making new friends.

@PurpleDaisies

Why isn’t this your best friend’s fault for seeing you less?

That's what I was wondering.

She hasn't (unless I have not read correctly) turned the whole group against you.

Perhaps your "best mum friend" prefers her or their kids get on better?

Your former best friend is the one you should have an issue with, op?

@Neveranymilkleft

Yes, I think I just accept it, it happens. If old friends wants to bother contacting to make a proper meeting and if she misses me and my company, I guess she will. I’m not going out of my way to welcome anyone anymore 🤣

What a sour & defeatist attitude.

YOU haven't "bothered contacting" either!
And if you'd rather sit on the sidelines than make an effort to continue your friendship, it can't have been worth much to you in the first place.

You'd really rather let all your friends dwindle away, because you are too proud to be the organiser, but complain when somebody else ... organises meet ups?

If you do that, & are now determined to never welcome anyone new, you'll end up with now old or new friends.

I think you need to sprinkle a large dose of salt over your negative attitude to new friend, who you seem to be blaming for being more pro-active than you can be arsed to be, ring your old friend up & arrange a definite meeting, & review your political attitude to friendships.

Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches, because humans don't act like we wish them to. There's no point making yourself more miserable by - effectively - sulking like a playground schoolgirl over the fact that 2 people you liked also like each other. Join them! Invite them! Enjoy their company!
Just stop expecting eternal exclusivity, & if you want that occasionally - ask for it, don't sulk about it.

I can see why you are gutted, and I absolutely would be too, but sometimes people meet someone who they just click with, and are real kindred spirits which sounds like it might have happened here. Still sucks for you though :(

@cabingirl Yes, I guess and I guess I’m not really her type of person 🤷🏻‍♀️To come to the group meet I’d invited her to after a few months of helping her out and assuring her she’d be ok and could come out with us. After the first meeting, she’d invited quite a few of them out separately one on one

@diddl Yes, perhaps she does

@ChargingBuck It’s ok, I was joking 🙄

@Hazel444 Thank you 🙏 yes, I get that happens

Can’t you reframe it that instead of her ‘stealing your friend’ you’ve introduced two women who have gone on to be great friends. That’s a nice thing!

How appropriate that it’s called being Wendy’d as a Wendy tried to do this with another friend of mine. It’s quite rude really, I would never try and make arrangements with someone I had just met through another friend without including the introducing friend.

[quote Neveranymilkleft]@diddl Yes, perhaps she does[/quote]
Ah, just seen that you don't always get around to organising stuff & don't go along with the pair of them when invited.

Perhaps "best mum friend" feels yu aren't that bothered about her either?

@Neveranymilkleft

Yes, I think I just accept it, it happens. If old friends wants to bother contacting to make a proper meeting and if she misses me and my company, I guess she will. I’m not going out of my way to welcome anyone anymore 🤣

That’s insanely defeatist. It’s fairly clear what happened from what you say, OP. You and your best friend are both poor at prioritising your friendship in terms of actually seeing one another, and have possibly got a bit lazy about it. The new person is more organised and prepared to propose or prioritise friendships, therefore she and your best friend are seeing more of one another. Neither of them has done anything wrong.

You can either fester resentfully on the sidelines and lose both friendships, or be more proactive and make a point of seeing either or both women, together or separately.

I think it’s more about the kids tbh. Every event-Easter, Xmas, Halloween etc, it’s always what are we all doing together (our partners get on well too) now I can see it being with this mum and her, it just feels weird!

Can’t it be with all of you? It sounds a little like you’re excluding yourself.

@Botherfreedays

Steal her back! organise coffees etc, you don’t have to invite the new mum. Sometimes you need to work hard at friendships if you want them.

Yes! Nick her back then bin them both

@Spindrifting I suppose it’s the way she just swooped in and organises lots with my friend, occasionally saying I’m welcome to come with her and friend if they’re going out (always last minute too, literally a couple of hours before)
It’s fine as we all like different people and she clearly really likes her, just feels a bit shit!

[quote Neveranymilkleft]@DillonPanthersTexas Yes, she hasn’t gone to that extreme (yet) she did separately invite some of the mums out individually when she first joined the group, we generally don’t do that much, in the way she did, it was sort of weird[/quote]
For crying out loud - can you not see how self-defeating & controlling you are being?

If you base your social life on ridiculous unwritten contacts like "this is how the group conducts it's invitation agenda", you are setting yourself up for misery.

Did you issue this rule in triplicate to the new mum, & she's deliberately flouting protocol? Or did you imagine she'd read your mind, & that because you had been "welcoming", she owed you some kind of peculiar deference which meant she had to ask your permission to before speaking to others?

On moving to a new area, it's the furthest thing from "weird" to talk to other mums & befriend them. It is a totally normal & acceptable social overture to talk to individuals.
Are you just pissed off because the new friend is making an effort that you can't be arsed with, & now you are envious?
Stop overthinking this, & rejecting invitations to meet with friends because you have decided it is somehow "weird" to be invited by a newcomer, or last minute. You are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I don’t understand why you can’t just go along to what the new lady has organised and all be friends together. …you’re grown up women, not in the school playground anymore - you don’t need a “best” friend or to have personal control over every social event.