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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I welcomed her in, the she stole my friend

224 replies

Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:09

Aibu in feeling a bit put out by this…

New mum moved to the area before summer, we’d chatted online and she was worried about not knowing anyone etc, I said she could come out with my group of friends, I invited her out each time, made sure she was included, invited her to the mums group online too, all was ok.
Now she and my best mum friend I’ve known for a few years (our toddlers were always the ones that played together, we did all events together etc) do everything together, their kids do everything together and they’re out for coffees all the time. She occasionally will text saying I’m ‘Very welcome’ to pop along if I’d like.
I realise I probably sound a bit ridiculous and we’re grown women who can have whoever we want as friends, but just feel a bit 😕to have been the one making all the effort to make sure she felt included and welcome and not lonely etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 22:04

@LukeEvansWife I’m friends with them, my old friend isn’t massively close with them, new mum has tried but doesn’t appear to see them that much

OP posts:
LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 22:08

That's a plus then - You still have friends

Offmyfence · 30/09/2021 22:11

@HeartsAndClubs

Bloody hell. The more I read of this thread the more it’s becoming clear why these friends have moved away from the OP.
Aren't you a peach!
Mostlylurkingiam · 01/10/2021 00:20

You are being very silly and also cutting off your nose to spite your face, if you have been invited go! You don't know when plans were made, might all be "last minute" you may end up with more friends if you don't sulk and act like a 7 year old - no one "steals" a friend.

whenwillthemadnessend · 01/10/2021 08:58

Time wil tell on this one. This new women will either turn out to be a nightmare

Or

They just really get on well and it's just luck and bad timing for you as your the loser

But

I'm willing to put money on the first one.

Snog · 01/10/2021 09:04

If you don't like being invited on two hours notice, do you say "thanks I'd love to but I need at least x hours/days notice beforehand for meet ups"?

Some people are fine on two hours notice, others are not. Nobody is wrong.

EspressoDoubleShot · 01/10/2021 09:21

@babouchette

They call this "cuckooing" don't they? It's happened to me. I chose to opt out of both friendships. Eventually the cuckoo showed her true colours and I'm now back on good terms with my original friend.
No that’s not cuckooing at all. You’re completely wrong.Who is they out of interest? Cuckooing is a vulnerable adult home being used and taken over for nefarious purposes Cuckooing isn’t an adult choosing whom they wish to be friends with
Itsbeen84yearss · 01/10/2021 09:28

I’ve sort of given up on adult friendships. If they’re not progressing/ happening naturally I don’t bother. If you have other friends I’d stay busy with those

Spindrifting · 01/10/2021 09:32

Exactly, @EspressoDoubleShot. Cuckooing is a crime, involving using the home of a vulnerable person for criminal, usually drug-dealing, purposes — often associated with county lines gangs. To apply it to a situation where someone doesn’t prioritise seeing her longterm best friend and is now annoyed that a newer friend does, is way off the mark.

Luna2021 · 01/10/2021 10:14

I completely understand how're feeling and it's not silly. It's happened to me too and isn't pleasant, especially after you've made such an effort to make her feel welcome.

TeenTitan007 · 01/10/2021 10:26

'You are welcome to join' is a take it or leave it invite - which says we are going ahead regardless of whether you can make it - you are optional.

'Shall we meet up' indicates the willingness to find a time that works for you everyone including you - you are necessary.

Huge difference. I'd feel stabbed in the back not just by the new friend but also by the ex-best-friend.

RevolvingPivot · 01/10/2021 17:30

I get it it's happened to me a few times. So much so going on Facebook gives me anxiety because I know there will be photos or posts.

CambsAlways · 01/10/2021 17:38

Why aren’t you bit annoyed with your so called best friend, I wouldn’t be that bothered to be honest

Yespresh · 01/10/2021 17:41

You are right to feel this way. A friend of mine once introduced me to a friend of hers. That friend then invited me out for coffee. I wasn’t comfortable but she said our mutual friend was working. I said I’d rather go out as a threesome. It never happened but I am happy it didn’t.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 01/10/2021 17:41

Get your original friend back - woo her and exclude the other one.

lcl · 01/10/2021 17:43

I’ve had this to and it was the end of my friendship with both. They were very very nasty to me. It is called being wendied. It’s very painful at the time. It taught me a lot and it was at the playgroup /early school years. I’m a lot wiser and more cynical now. You move on ,keep your head high and act unfazed.

Yespresh · 01/10/2021 17:44

Give it time and also try and make new friends. Dont get hung up on it.

MummyJ12 · 01/10/2021 17:46

I’m so sorry this has happened OP. It’s rubbish but like many others have posted, it happens a lot. Try and spend some time away from them and with other friends that make you feel less shit.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 01/10/2021 17:47

It’s hard.
I had a good friend, she was more invested in the friendship than I was but we did kids stuff together. Then she introduced me to her sister, we just hit it off immediately and we are now very close. I hardly see the sister and it’s a big issue between them to the extent that we keep meet ups and weekends away with the children a secret from her.
But I don’t want to give up my new bestie, I know first friend was miffed, more by her sister than me, but it’s awkward.

Brennanlady1888 · 01/10/2021 18:01

You invited her to join your group the fact she has made a particular relationship with your mate doesnt mean you are excluded from the relationship even though you perceive it to be .You seem a generous kind of a person be magnanimous and let them be . Friendships are moving feasts. Try not to let it bother you

cherish123 · 01/10/2021 18:08

It's horrible but quite common. I don't really have any advice. Perhaps stop seeing both of them.

MakingM · 01/10/2021 18:09

I’m not convinced a good friend can be stolen tbh.

It sucks and is gutting to find out someone you thought was a good friend isn’t and it’ll take a while to get over it.

You sound like you’ll make new friends easily - when you feel up to it again you’ll get back out there and be fabulous. Maybe make lots of new friends so it doesn’t matter so much if they turn out not to be as reliable as you thought they were.

Flowers
SnackQueen · 01/10/2021 18:11

Ah yes, I know the type. They play the sweet lost newbie card and then get to work pushing out the same person who welcomed them in in the first place. Not much you can do unfortunately if your original pal can’t see through it or likes the replacement more (sorry). If you do try to revive the original friendship she’ll probably get territorial and turn nasty. As sad and frustrating as it is, I would suggest you stay clear of both of them and focus on other friends.

DroopyClematis · 01/10/2021 18:12

I feel for you OP.
It's so unnerving when this happens and the dynamics change.

If I were in your situation I'd back away and see what develops.

Mollymoostoo · 01/10/2021 18:14

[quote Neveranymilkleft]@CrumpleHornedSnowcack Not jealous, just a bit put out.
The invite has always been very very last minute and I’m generally already organised with something, I also know what last minute invites often mean[/quote]
I started a job when a member of staff was on mat leave and was given her desk. When she came back she was given another desk in a better position but I was made to feel bad about 'taking ' her desk and her friend apparently (another staff member who I just got on well with) anyway, she found a way to shut me out and they are now mates and meet up without me.
I don't need people like that in my life tbh and I'm not so desperate for friends that I would accept being an after thought with last minute invites.
Shake it off and find people who don't behave like children.