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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I welcomed her in, the she stole my friend

224 replies

Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:09

Aibu in feeling a bit put out by this…

New mum moved to the area before summer, we’d chatted online and she was worried about not knowing anyone etc, I said she could come out with my group of friends, I invited her out each time, made sure she was included, invited her to the mums group online too, all was ok.
Now she and my best mum friend I’ve known for a few years (our toddlers were always the ones that played together, we did all events together etc) do everything together, their kids do everything together and they’re out for coffees all the time. She occasionally will text saying I’m ‘Very welcome’ to pop along if I’d like.
I realise I probably sound a bit ridiculous and we’re grown women who can have whoever we want as friends, but just feel a bit 😕to have been the one making all the effort to make sure she felt included and welcome and not lonely etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:34

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon The new mum initiating most of it I’d imagine

OP posts:
BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 30/09/2021 15:35

I will organise something with my friend, we both always say it but are rubbish at not getting life get in the way etc.

It may be exactly this. You're not making the effort to make plans and then new friend is.

Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:36

*Letting life get in the way

OP posts:
HumourReplacementTherapy · 30/09/2021 15:36

Well I think it's a bit mean when this happens. To me, its just about being a decent person. I wouldn't do it, I am loyal to my friends as I'm friends with them because I like them Smile
If a friend Introduced me to one of their friends, I wouldn't feel right going out with them unless my friend was included.

Like shagging a friends ex. It's just not right.

You'll get lots of people posting saying "you don't own her " etc but they're wrong GrinGrin
It's a shitty thing to do.

PurpleDaisies · 30/09/2021 15:36

I will organise something with my friend, we both always say it but are rubbish at not getting life get in the way etc.

So you’re not organising anything and you’re pissed off someone else is? I don’t get it.

HeartsAndClubs · 30/09/2021 15:37

OP have you never met someone and got on well with them?

Just because you introduced them doesn’t mean you own the situation. They’re friends. They get on, you say yourself that you and your friend try to organise things but you never actually get round to it.

You do sound somewhat bitter tbh.

LaBellina · 30/09/2021 15:37

I will get flamed for this but this is exactly why I usually don’t introduce my friends to each other. There’s not much you can do OP, I understand it’s very shit though. I think you better focus on the more positive side of what’s going on in your life and spend your energy to invest in the relationship with your other friends.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 30/09/2021 15:38

[quote Neveranymilkleft]@LateDecemberBackInLowB12 The new friend has offered for me to come to something they’ve arranged last minute, I just don’t feel comfortable, not sure why really, sounds stupid, I know.
Just feels a bit sad for my Dd too as it was always her and friends dc and now it’s like a new thing between their kids.
I will organise something with my friend, we both always say it but are rubbish at not getting life get in the way etc. I guess because this mum is new she’s making more effort to meet up with her etc.[/quote]
You're probably right, this new person is making more effort, that, coupled with you declining invites, has probably caused the situation.

I'm sure your friend will be glad to hear from you and to have a catch up.

Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:39

@HeartsAndClubs Jesus, I realise I don’t own the situation and have no rights to anything, is it ok to feel a bit sad about it though?

OP posts:
lovelybitofsquirrell · 30/09/2021 15:39

A person can't be stolen though. Maybe your friendship with her had run it's course.

DrSbaitso · 30/09/2021 15:40

Short of kidnapping or some sort of coercion, you can't steal people. They go where they want. And if they want to leave your life, let them go.

HeartsAndClubs · 30/09/2021 15:40

Like shagging a friends ex. It's just not right. don’t be so ridiculous. “I was friends with her first so you can’t be friends.” Fgs this stuff belongs in the playground.

if it was the DD’s forming new friendships and behaving like that I’d tell them to grow up. It’s far more undignified when it’s grown women acting like children.

Rooksink · 30/09/2021 15:42

Fwiw I would feel exactly the same as you, OP.

ChargingBuck · 30/09/2021 15:42

[quote Neveranymilkleft]@CrumpleHornedSnowcack Tbh I don’t fancy going along to something they’ve organised together and I’m the last minute invite, all just feels v weird![/quote]
Then you are the author of your own destruction.

All sitting back passively, feeling miffed, will get you is more of the same, until you effectively edge yourself out.

Relationships evolve, I know it feels pants right now as your expectations & easy routine with existing friend has changed, & you are understandably upset that new friend appears to have usurped your 'place' in old friend's life.

But until you start actually swallowing the bile & weirdness of being "welcomed" to join them by new friend, you won't be able to re-establish closeness with existing friend.

So you need to decide if you want to accommodate the new dynamic, or lose existing friend - which seems unnecessary.
Although ... how close a friend is she, that you haven't already chatted this through with her? Is that something you could do - just ring & say you've been missing her, & want to organise something direct with her?

HeartsAndClubs · 30/09/2021 15:43

OP of course you can be sad about it.

But friendships are often fluid.

Maybe they have more in common.

Maybe you weren’t as good friends as you thought, you did say after all that you never organise stuff because life gets in the way, maybe she’s happy to have someone in her life who does have time to do things with her/get together.

Maybe the kids get on better than your kids did, purely by virtue of the fact they’re kids and children’s friendships are constantly interchangeable.

LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 15:44

You can't steal a person. Your new friend and your old friend have clearly clicked, as have their children. I understand it is hurtful but there isn't much you can do

notanothertakeaway · 30/09/2021 15:44

I think "she was my friend first" does sound a bit like playground politics

It's pretty common to meet new friends through our existing friends. I know it can sting a little when they become closer and you feel left out, (been there), but you can't say anything. You just have to accept it

DrManhattan · 30/09/2021 15:46

Awww hope you are ok. Its rubbish when this happens. I have often found that the 'new' friend is a bit flakey and will move on to another person.
Also you have friends for different reasons. As your daughter grows up you will make more mum friends and she will mix with other kids. I know it's tough now but it won't feel bad forever. Xxx

HeartsAndClubs · 30/09/2021 15:47

Me and DP have a good friend who we are always happy to see.

But he’s completely flaky. I will text him to see if he wants to meet up and then maybe I’ll get a text back some days/weeks later. I’ve got to the point where I don’t bother trying any more, but I know that if he re-appears we’ll have a good time together and all will be well.

However we’ve recently befriended a couple who are also friends with him. And while he didn’t introduce us, they were friends first. This couple are available, they’re communicative, they want to get together. There is no way on earth I would not see them just in case flaky friend was offended and felt pushed out.

He knows where we are. God knows I’ve extended an invite to him on numerous occasions. I certainly don’t owe it to him to not develop a friendship with people who are also friends of his just because they’re friends of his.

PartyStory · 30/09/2021 15:48

Do you also think the other woman is always entirely to blame when a man cheats on his partner? Hmm

All these poor friends and husbands out there with no desires or preferences of their own, no control over their own lives and who they spend time with, always vulnerable to be stolen away.

Come on.

ChargingBuck · 30/09/2021 15:50

@HumourReplacementTherapy

Well I think it's a bit mean when this happens. To me, its just about being a decent person. I wouldn't do it, I am loyal to my friends as I'm friends with them because I like them Smile If a friend Introduced me to one of their friends, I wouldn't feel right going out with them unless my friend was included.

Like shagging a friends ex. It's just not right.

You'll get lots of people posting saying "you don't own her " etc but they're wrong GrinGrin
It's a shitty thing to do.

Takes all sorts.

Your approach would feel suffocating to me.
It's nothing like shagging a friend's ex - romantic relationships usually have a normal expectation of exclusivity, so are serial. Of course a decent woman wouldn't go with a friend's ex. But friendship is neither exclusive nor serial - a woman can have as many friends as suits her, & be loyal to all of them. Loyalty doesn't equal exclusivity in friendships, or who gets first 'dibs' on another human.

I would hate you to feel constrained from meeting up with anyone you chose, anytime, down to some arbitrary notion that you knew me first.

And if you copped the hump with me for freely associating with others without running it past you first, I'd probably combust ...

DillonPanthersTexas · 30/09/2021 15:51

I thought I proper 'Wendy' does not just join the friendship circle they go to great lengths to become the Queen bee before freezing out the original person who invite them in?

Anordinarymum · 30/09/2021 15:51

[quote Neveranymilkleft]@HeartsAndClubs Jesus, I realise I don’t own the situation and have no rights to anything, is it ok to feel a bit sad about it though?[/quote]
I would feel a bit hacked off by this too. You don't know the dynamic of their friendship though. Could be that the new friend is doing all of the running here and old friend is being bombarded with invites and feels as uncomfortable as you.

I would give them a miss for a while and do your own thing. Eventually things will even out. It's not worth getting upset over, but I realise you are upset.

Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:53

Yes, I think I just accept it, it happens. If old friends wants to bother contacting to make a proper meeting and if she misses me and my company, I guess she will.
I’m not going out of my way to welcome anyone anymore 🤣

OP posts:
Bimblybomeyelash · 30/09/2021 15:53

I understand you feeling sad about it, but I don’t think it’s fair to ‘blame’ the new friend for this situation. You invited her along so that she could meet people and make new friends, and then she did. She isn’t deliberately excluding you, she’s just making an effort to do things with a new friend
that she has met. It’s not reasonable to expect her to stand back just because you were there first. If you were less flakey and made more effort with your old friend, then you wouldn’t be feeling pushed aside.

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