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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I welcomed her in, the she stole my friend

224 replies

Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:09

Aibu in feeling a bit put out by this…

New mum moved to the area before summer, we’d chatted online and she was worried about not knowing anyone etc, I said she could come out with my group of friends, I invited her out each time, made sure she was included, invited her to the mums group online too, all was ok.
Now she and my best mum friend I’ve known for a few years (our toddlers were always the ones that played together, we did all events together etc) do everything together, their kids do everything together and they’re out for coffees all the time. She occasionally will text saying I’m ‘Very welcome’ to pop along if I’d like.
I realise I probably sound a bit ridiculous and we’re grown women who can have whoever we want as friends, but just feel a bit 😕to have been the one making all the effort to make sure she felt included and welcome and not lonely etc.

OP posts:
LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 16:36

@DeclineandFall

So many people scoffing at you and telling you to grow up but this is absolutely a thing, and unless you've had it happen to you, you wouldn't believe that such people exist. I think the Wendy gets a kick out of being the Alpha and won't be that if she just enters an already formed group. So she's stealing your friend and it's all done under the radar so if you complain you look a bit mad. Like any sort of abuse really. She'll have picked whoever she sees as the weakest. She'll be manipulating your friend and doing the friend equivalent of love bombing. She will get bored eventually and move on. Depends whether you want to forgive your old friend or not. It is utterly rotten though.
Abuse? Stealing? Love bombing? Fucking hell. Two people meet and get on so spend time together. Why so dramatic?

And calling it abuse is offensive. It undermines real abuse. This is about the OP being jealous, that is all.

The last time I saw this kind of situation, we were about 14.

RantyAunty · 30/09/2021 16:41

YABVU

She's just better at socialising than you are and you are sulking and refusing invitations and not organising anything. People generally don't want to be around a sourpuss.

You also sound incredibly bored.

Maybe it is time to think about getting yourself a career and working to have a more full life.

HarlanPepper · 30/09/2021 16:41

@HeartsAndClubs

Bloody hell. The more I read of this thread the more it’s becoming clear why these friends have moved away from the OP.
That's just mean.

I can see why OP feels a bit sad and left out. I think I would too, as much as I would sternly tell myself that I'm not at school and we don't own our friends and people can spend time with who they want. I think most people with a bit of imagination can understand that feeling.

In this situation I would try to continue as before - go along if invited (try to get over the awkward feeling because you'll isolate yourself more) and make your own arrangements too.

Anordinarymum · 30/09/2021 16:42

[quote Spindrifting]@Anordinarymum, but there's no coercion involved -- the new friend is not holding the old one hostage, nor is she some kind of evil enchantress, tempting the faithful old best friend away from the OP. The new person is simply more proactive than the OP and her old friend at organising things to do together, and from what the OP says herself and and her old friend had got a bit lazy about seeing one another.

In one way, the OP could see it as a timely wake up call -- a realisation that she values her friendship with the original friend and should (if she wants to, obviously) make sure she makes a point of arranging to see her regularly, so they don't drift apart.[/quote]
I reminded myself of the situation by reading the original post. I have seen things like this happen when I had my little ones. Thankfully I was never too friendly with school mums. I saw the playground antics on a daily basis and I don't mean the children

Blackmagicqueen · 30/09/2021 16:48

I would hate the whole 'you're welcome to come along' which is an afterthought to me as they have already arranged the meetup. A group invite at the start would have looked alot better.

EspressoDoubleShot · 30/09/2021 16:48

No. Friends do not get stolen. People make choices,exert preferences.
In this case that’s what happened. They struck up a friendship
Your friend doesn’t need your permission she’s not a possession that was stolen

sadie9 · 30/09/2021 16:53

" I don’t fancy going along to something they’ve organised together and I’m the last minute invite"
I understand that you are uncomfortable with the attention the new mum is getting from your friend, but do not buy into this thought you are having.
Just keep going along to the meet ups - if they suit you timewise. Otherwise you'll go all huffy and poor me and start behaving different to normal. That won't serve you well.

Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 17:06

@PlonkyWillyWonky Yes, that’s it

OP posts:
Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 17:11

@sadie9 I go to all the usual meet ups with my other friends (best friend is a bit rubbish and doesn’t tend to make many of them, new mum comes sometimes) I just don’t really want to be the last minute invite when they’ve arranged something for the two of them

OP posts:
RealBecca · 30/09/2021 17:16

I get how you feel but youre isolating yourself by not joining them. Like she said, you're welcome to join a plan they have made.

How often do you try to arrange stuff and how far in advance.

Id be more in your corner if you were regularly trying to organise stuff and they wouldn't commit

Stovetopespresso · 30/09/2021 17:20

I had this a bit with a firm group of mum friends, the kind that help out with baby sitting, sharing problems, chatting and having fun . A newbie arrived and got on so well with one in particular. she then canceled our regular coffee date which was gutting for me, put a stop to our annual away stay, and saw 1 friend in particular. everyone began seeing each other separately. I was more gutted and frankly jealous of her as she was prettier, more popular, loud and annoying. I havnt always fitted in and it's a small village and I had pnd and a neeeeded them. She'd cut me off in conversation, not "see" me iykwim and criticize me. I spent so long feeling crap, pasting a smile on my face and grimly carrying on but was really upset inside, wasting hours thinking about her and the situation.

I realised (not saying this is the case for you) it was my ego and expectations which were the issue, my fixed ideas of what a supportive group should look like, and have since rolled with the punches and feel I have grown as a person, a valuable life lesson learned etc. I couldn't really care that much about her now tbh, she's nice but we don't get on amazingly...frankly I find it interesting how she pushes my buttons and I'm sure she also finds me annoying! we have different beliefs and opinions, although weirdly I do love her dearly as part of that group when we do get together.

sorry didn't mean to hijack hope to help.

TarpaulinEyes · 30/09/2021 17:32

@ButtonMoonLoon

I would just carry on as you’ve always done with your friend, organise the Halloween thing you usually do with your partners and children. Nothing has to change between you both unless you let it
This. Don't ask new friend unless you really want to
Sonders · 30/09/2021 17:33

It seems like the most likely scenario is that your friend who is known for last-minute decision making has met someone who is really proactive at coming up with last-minute plans - and they're just a bit more in sync with habits.

Are you sure they're organising these meet ups long before they contact you? Or could it be that one texts the other to say "I'm free, fancy a coffee?" and then once they agree, they invite you too?

Myfilterisbroken · 30/09/2021 17:40

I has a friend who went out of her way to do this.Hmm We are no longer friends.

ChargingBuck · 30/09/2021 17:55

@Neveranymilkleft

I think it’s more about the kids tbh. Every event-Easter, Xmas, Halloween etc, it’s always what are we all doing together (our partners get on well too) now I can see it being with this mum and her, it just feels weird!
That's quite an expectation to put onto one friend.

You say you're not good at organising meeting this friend, but seem to expect that your 'tradition' of getting together over these holiday times is set in stone.

Maybe the new friend is spontaneous, & old friend enjoys that, & responds to it. I still don't understand why you can't just pick the phone up & arrange to meet old friend though ..? Seems daft to bemoan the loss of a friendship without making an effort to retain it.

ElsieMc · 30/09/2021 17:59

I had this happen to me at work op and even though you tell yourself to be reasonable, it is really upsetting. I used to go for lunch each day with a work friend when a new girl started and I was literally ditched. They just upped and went out together and I was excluded. It was so uncomfortable, I would not even go in the lunch room at work. It was deeply upsetting and even one of the bosses asked how he could help me - it was that obvious, but there is little you can do.

It reminded me of unhappy times at school and I thought we had all grown up a bit but I was wrong.

I had just got engaged, was about to buy a house and other areas of my life were happy so I decided to cut my losses and left. I didnt much like my next job but applied for another where I was very happy for a long time.

Not quite the same with you, but I would give this woman a wide berth. Concentrate on your other friends who treat you better.

LittleMysSister · 30/09/2021 18:00

@Neveranymilkleft

I don’t know why this particular mum bothers me, friend and I both have separate friends neither of us know and it’s never crossed my mind before. I’m not sure why it’s bothering me more really.
I completely get why it's bothering you more.

You introduced this person and now she is making plans with your friend without including you when there's no reason you couldn't be involved too. It's totally different from having separate friends who don't know each other.

I'd be upset too OP, and I would definitely make effort to arrange some things with your original mate. Throw in a 'It will be so nice for DD to spend some time with [her child] as well, they haven't seen each other in a while", which will hopefully put her off inviting new mum along too.

JamieNorthlife · 30/09/2021 18:02

@Botherfreedays

Steal her back! Smile organise coffees etc, you don’t have to invite the new mum. Sometimes you need to work hard at friendships if you want them.
This is the plan!
diddl · 30/09/2021 18:04

But it's not as if Op's friend is cancelling on her for the sake of the new friend-they were neither of them bothering.

LittleMysSister · 30/09/2021 18:08

It seems like the most likely scenario is that your friend who is known for last-minute decision making has met someone who is really proactive at coming up with last-minute plans - and they're just a bit more in sync with habits.

Yes probably this OP, combined with old friend now having her free time filled/socialising needs met by new mum who is quick to ask and plan things, meaning old friend never gets to the point where she fancies something to do and texts you to plan something, as had been the case previously.

You need to get in there and get some plans in.

Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 18:10

That’s how I feel @Blackmagicqueen Whenever I get a group of us together I either do a group message to all of us asking if everyone fancies getting together or if a couple others I’d sort of arrange it between us. The ‘’I’ve arranged to meet with X, welcome to join’ two hours before the event, doesn’t feel like it’s that sincere?

OP posts:
Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 18:11

@RantyAunty I have a career and a full life, why assume I don’t? I’m also human and yes perhaps a little too sensitive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 18:12

@HeartsAndClubs Nice, thanks.

OP posts:
LittleMysSister · 30/09/2021 18:12

@diddl

But it's not as if Op's friend is cancelling on her for the sake of the new friend-they were neither of them bothering.
Yeah but if you're two laid-back individuals who planned things here and there, and then someone super organised comes along and starts filling one of your diaries with plans (which you're happy to go with), obviously you do end up reaching out less yourself because you just don't need to. Not least because the time you used to spend with your other laid back friend is now taken by other plans.

I'm sure all the women in question have busy lives, it may be that old friend hasn't picked up on the fact that new mum is frequently organising things with her and as such she hasn't seen OP in a while.

IzzyJo65 · 30/09/2021 18:15

[quote Neveranymilkleft]@HeartsAndClubs Jesus, I realise I don’t own the situation and have no rights to anything, is it ok to feel a bit sad about it though?[/quote]
I would feel upset too ThanksThanksThanks