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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I welcomed her in, the she stole my friend

224 replies

Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:09

Aibu in feeling a bit put out by this…

New mum moved to the area before summer, we’d chatted online and she was worried about not knowing anyone etc, I said she could come out with my group of friends, I invited her out each time, made sure she was included, invited her to the mums group online too, all was ok.
Now she and my best mum friend I’ve known for a few years (our toddlers were always the ones that played together, we did all events together etc) do everything together, their kids do everything together and they’re out for coffees all the time. She occasionally will text saying I’m ‘Very welcome’ to pop along if I’d like.
I realise I probably sound a bit ridiculous and we’re grown women who can have whoever we want as friends, but just feel a bit 😕to have been the one making all the effort to make sure she felt included and welcome and not lonely etc.

OP posts:
diddl · 30/09/2021 18:17

"I''m sure all the women in question have busy lives, it may be that old friend hasn't picked up on the fact that new mum is frequently organising things with her and as such she hasn't seen OP in a while."

THat could be solved by Op accepting when she's also asked!

Pumpkintopf · 30/09/2021 18:19

I understand why you'd be upset by this op.
I'd organise some stuff just you and old friend.

LittleMysSister · 30/09/2021 18:19

@sadie9

" I don’t fancy going along to something they’ve organised together and I’m the last minute invite" I understand that you are uncomfortable with the attention the new mum is getting from your friend, but do not buy into this thought you are having. Just keep going along to the meet ups - if they suit you timewise. Otherwise you'll go all huffy and poor me and start behaving different to normal. That won't serve you well.
If I had a good friend, introduced them to someone new, and then that new person quite quickly starts inviting me as an afterthought to things that she had planned with that friend, I wouldn't attend either. Obviously I'd be a spare part, the time and date has been agreed already and whether I could attend or not is immaterial to them, otherwise they would have involved me initially.

I'd be embarrassed to quickly move in on someone else's friend that they had introduced me to, let alone to then start inviting the person who introduced us to pre-made plans as if we were the old friends?!

Not saying people can never make new friends obviously! But I can see exactly why OP feels as she does.

LittleMysSister · 30/09/2021 18:23

@diddl

"I''m sure all the women in question have busy lives, it may be that old friend hasn't picked up on the fact that new mum is frequently organising things with her and as such she hasn't seen OP in a while."

THat could be solved by Op accepting when she's also asked!

Yeah but she's not really wanted is she?

Cross-posted with you above, but the time and date has already been set between the two women, OP is just offered the chance to attend if she happens to be available, and she's asked on the day itself so not much time to make herself available if she wanted to be.

To me, that's a cursory last-minute invite so new mum can say that OP was invited and couldn't make it. It might not be at all malicious on her part, it probably isn't, but the reality is that OP is an obvious afterthought to these plans and I can see why she wouldn't feel up for attending.

Summersnake · 30/09/2021 18:25

I’ve had this too
So I never go for coffee with more than one person ,I don’t mix my friends..been burnt like this before

diddl · 30/09/2021 18:27

"Yeah but she's not really wanted is she?"

It's hard to tell really isn't it?

I can get why Op feels as she does, but it also goes back to her froíend-why doesn't se ask Op along in plenty of time?

If she's being "fobbed off" by the new friend-why doesn't she contact Op herself?

Or of course, why doesn't Op make arrangements with just her friend?

Spyro1234 · 30/09/2021 18:31

Ooooo this would really bug me too! How annoying! Feels like school again

MintyGreenDream · 30/09/2021 18:32

I'd be fuming even though I know rationally that you can't control who people spend time with.

Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 18:39

What’s also quite annoying is at the start I was defending this new mum to my old friend as she did say she was really annoying, I said to her that she was nice etc

OP posts:
Coffeepot72 · 30/09/2021 18:41

I completely get where you’re coming from OP.

Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 18:49

@Coffeepot72 Thank you 🙏 part of me knows it’s ridiculous, I mean, we’re grown women, but it just stings a bit.

OP posts:
cervixuser · 30/09/2021 18:52

[quote Neveranymilkleft]@FreeBritnee As I said though, they now do lots together and it seems a very last minute, afterthought by new friend to welcome me along. I just don’t like it, if it was me, I’d probably text saying ‘Do you fancy coming for coffee, I’ll invite (best friend) too?
It’s always like they’ve organised something and I’m ‘Welcome to join’ even those words? I don’t know, I’m not used to it in my friendship group[/quote]
I really get this - you're now demoted to being asked to join someone you used to have an entirely different relationship with. It's difficult and I can see how it makes you sad - I would feel sad too. You did a good thing Flowers

LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 19:14

Don't ask to join them. Keep your dignity and move on. I understand it hurts but you have to let it go

Chloemol · 30/09/2021 19:24

Just invite your original friend to something between you

Ignore the new mum

Pixxie7 · 30/09/2021 19:33

I can understand that you feel upset but like any relationship you have to work at it. People aren’t possessions so can’t be stolen, make more effort to see your friend.

LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 19:33

It's all a bit adolescent. What about the rest of the group? Have they gone to the enemy camp too?

Winecurestiredness · 30/09/2021 19:40

i would just live and let live. If they made friends that quickly then it might just fizzle out as quick as it started, your best friend will eventually grow tired of making all the effort with the flakey one and they may just drift apart. Perhaps just let them get on with it, have lots of fun outings with just you and your child/children and your partner. give yourself some self-care, after being such a kind friend to this new mum i think youre very much deserving of it!

Tiredmum100 · 30/09/2021 19:40

@babouchette

They call this "cuckooing" don't they? It's happened to me. I chose to opt out of both friendships. Eventually the cuckoo showed her true colours and I'm now back on good terms with my original friend.
Yes, this happened to me. I get where you're coming from OP. I know, yes it does appear silly for grown women to feel like this but unfortunately you can't help how you feel.
Coffeepot72 · 30/09/2021 19:42

Yes in some ways it might be a bit adolescent, but I think most people would surely be a bit hurt if it happened to them?

museumum · 30/09/2021 19:46

Going against the grain I think old friend is the issue not new one.
New friend at least remembers to invite you.

Old friend and you seem to have fallen out of the habit of making time to see each other. If you want to catch up with old friend you need to make the effort and sort something.

LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 19:49

If you were a good friend, she wouldn't have been avoiding you to spend time with the new one. Perhaps your friendship had reached the end of the road

FuzzyPuffling · 30/09/2021 20:06

It's happened to me too and it is very hurtful. (In my case, old friend started bad mouthing me to new friend)
It feels just like being 13 again.
I am no longer giving any of my valuable time, talents or generosity to either of them.

Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 20:59

@FuzzyPuffling That’s awful

OP posts:
Original poster
Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 20:59

@LukeEvansWife I mustn’t be a great friend then

OP posts:
LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 21:18

What about the other members of the group? Were they stolen too or are you still friends with them?

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