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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I welcomed her in, the she stole my friend

224 replies

Neveranymilkleft · 30/09/2021 15:09

Aibu in feeling a bit put out by this…

New mum moved to the area before summer, we’d chatted online and she was worried about not knowing anyone etc, I said she could come out with my group of friends, I invited her out each time, made sure she was included, invited her to the mums group online too, all was ok.
Now she and my best mum friend I’ve known for a few years (our toddlers were always the ones that played together, we did all events together etc) do everything together, their kids do everything together and they’re out for coffees all the time. She occasionally will text saying I’m ‘Very welcome’ to pop along if I’d like.
I realise I probably sound a bit ridiculous and we’re grown women who can have whoever we want as friends, but just feel a bit 😕to have been the one making all the effort to make sure she felt included and welcome and not lonely etc.

OP posts:
Nayday · 01/10/2021 18:29

YANBU. And for those saying 'leave this stuff at school', it's much more interesting than that. Groups have dynamics and power play is part of that. Friendship groups can definitely go slightly wrong, adults or not! And yes, even though we tell ourselves to put big girl pants on etc - it still bloody hurts!
Fwiw I think most of the time it's not conscious on the part of the 'wendy' - 'just' vying for position in a group.
At my age I'm part of a couple of 'groups' - but for donkeys years and little chance of them changing because they're university friends etc. They're supportive and lovely. I think Wendy situations are much more likely when people are friends through school/location - a new person comes in and bang goes a friendship. I've seen more drama in 'local' friendships I think but tend to steer clear.

LukeEvansWife · 01/10/2021 18:31

@Toomuchtrouble4me

Get your original friend back - woo her and exclude the other one.
Yup - who needs dignity...
Curerofsouls · 01/10/2021 18:42

I absolutely couldn't be bothered being bothered to be honest OP. Im not bothered if my friends make friends or invite me to stuff or not. We can't always be everywhere with others at all times. Go your own way OPSmile

Zeev · 01/10/2021 18:44

OP I know how you feel. Happened to me too. A new mom moved into the neighbourhood, I helped her settle in, we helped them move etc etc and we'd hang out a lot. Then I introduced her to my good friend and we'd spend time all three of us + kids. After a while they got so busy busy they were always turning down my invitations - and then I'd see Facebook pictures of their outings together. I was super sad.

LukeEvansWife · 01/10/2021 18:50

Is it not possible that you bring someone into a group and they happen to find a connection with another member?

I get it might hurt but being petulant and saying the new person 'stole' your friend is completely over the top.

Lunificent · 01/10/2021 18:55

Does it feel as if your friend has dropped you? Is she still contacting you, or has that dropped off?

Justdontdoit · 01/10/2021 19:02

This has happened to me on 2 occasions. The last one saw that the nee friend tried their very hardest to push me out. When she showed her true colours it even came out that she had said to one of my friends that I was flirting with her partner Confused My friends know me well enough to know that she was lying (as she had on plenty other occasion). It’s not nice and unless you have been through it you really can’t describe the feeling. During the whole thing I never said much about it as I didn’t want to seem childish, or as other people have mentioned here, as if I have some sort of ownership on anyone. But I always say go with your gut feeling. Again, I have brought many people into my circle of friends and I know that I can’t be invited or involved in everything, so if I were you I wouldn’t put whatever the feeling you have down to nothing. At the same time don’t think too much about it as it’ll start to send you crazy. Just carry on with your other friends and be aware, your old friend might be totally oblivious to what is happening, many of mine were

LukeEvansWife · 01/10/2021 19:03

If you are being pushed out of a group, that reflects more on you than the newbie

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 01/10/2021 19:04

No, I'd be hurt too OP. I find it interesting that others wouldn't care, it just goes to show how different we are.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel hurt and put out. You're not asking them to stop talking, just feeling put out by ot

Coffeepot72 · 01/10/2021 19:04

I’m making a mental note not to start introducing friends to each other!

LukeEvansWife · 01/10/2021 19:05

@Coffeepot72

I’m making a mental note not to start introducing friends to each other!
Why would you, if you are secure?
Looubylou · 01/10/2021 19:06

I've no doubt there are people who would deliberately try to push out the original friend, but in this case, it sounds just as likely that she is seeing more of your friend because she is making the effort. It would have been nice if she made equal effort with you though. I wonder if your other friend thinks you are invited to do everything in the same way you are? I'd be pushing your best friend for a meet up - you'll get a better idea of what's going on.

Looubylou · 01/10/2021 19:07

I meant the same way she is, pesky dc keeps interrupting me😂

Coffeepot72 · 01/10/2021 19:09

@LukeEvansWife you can be as secure as you like, but that doesn’t stop other people behaving badly

LukeEvansWife · 01/10/2021 19:10

[quote Coffeepot72]@LukeEvansWife you can be as secure as you like, but that doesn’t stop other people behaving badly[/quote]
Of course not but the idea of people infiltrating groups to steal friends is batshit!

ERFFER · 01/10/2021 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tessabelle74 · 01/10/2021 19:23

I invited a new friend in and my original friend froze me out, but it's not the fault of the new friend. The new friend had alton towers membership so was able to get original friend into attractions cheap and I'm skint so turns out my original friend is a using bitch and I'm well rid

Rubyupbeat · 01/10/2021 19:25

They probably enjoy each others company more than yours, harsh but true.

toxic44 · 01/10/2021 19:28

A friend (A) took in a mutual friend (B) whose DH had thrown her out after catching her once to often in bed with a different guy. B stayed 6 weeks and when she left took A's husband with her. A had found them on her living room floor, well-occupied, and told B to leave. She didn't expect her DH would go too. There are friends and friends.

peppermintpat · 01/10/2021 19:49

I had a friend who tried to do this. Made sure I kept her away from the friend I'd know for years after I heard her asking my long term friend for coffee and then never opening the invite to me. So narcissistic imo.

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 01/10/2021 19:50

@CrumpleHornedSnowcack

it sounds to me your a little jealous OP, why don't you go along with them?
I think she sounds pissed off more than jealous, as I was when it happened to me. She's not going along as she's not been invited!

My sympathies, OP. It's horrible, I know, especially when you've been so welcoming (as was I). You're clearly a sociable type, there will be new friends around the corner for you! 💐

DrSbaitso · 01/10/2021 19:52

@peppermintpat

I had a friend who tried to do this. Made sure I kept her away from the friend I'd know for years after I heard her asking my long term friend for coffee and then never opening the invite to me. So narcissistic imo.
If this other person is truly your friend, what do you have to worry about?

And why is it narcissistic?

doctordoverylittle · 01/10/2021 20:19

I would let them have their relationship separate to you (as best friend does with other friends). Then continue to plan things with best friend and just dont invite new friend. All the things you would have done together before, continue to do.

Bleachmycloths · 01/10/2021 21:31

@HarebrightCedarmoon

Is her name Wendy by any chance?

Though Wendying I think is when they alienate the group from you as well. Hope that's not the next stage, OP.

Friends are not ‘stolen’, they go willingly. It’s upsetting but it happens. Just move on. Good luck.
Arieliwish · 01/10/2021 21:57

I have a friend who moved and genuinely tried to make friends but was given the cold shoulder when she dared to make friends with a mum and meet up with her, the mum’s friends bestie was very rude to her. It was horrible to hear. Very childish behaviour from grown women who could of all got on for the sake of the children and made more friends.

You’ve mentioned your friend is very flakey and doesn’t often come to organised events, so to me it sounds like they are making plans only a couple of hours before and inviting you at the earliest opportunity but you are turning them down.

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