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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheater's wedding- to go or not to go?

210 replies

VeryOldPoster · 30/09/2021 11:24

Old poster, but don't want to be found out.
I am married to a lovely man, he is from a foreign country. His family member lives here too, married to a lovely woman. She doesn't want children, whereas he does. Somehow, family back home think that it is perfectly fine for him to 'marry' somebody else back home. I said to my DH I don't want to go to this wedding as it is so against any common decency. He thinks 'it is just a party' and we should go 'to show respect'. Absolutely have no desire to go and thinks that 'respect' is not the word I want to use in this situation.
We know his wife here, go to see them all the time.
Funnily enough, few of my friends said I should go to a wedding as it will be lovely experience- they are organising really big, posh wedding, which I have never been to. This took me by surprise. AIBU to think I would rather chop the groom to a police for bigamy and tell his english wife, rather than go and 'enjoy' myself at this mock-of-a-wedding party?

OP posts:
DeathStare · 30/09/2021 11:26

Wait - his current wife doesn't know? Screw going to the wedding - that's not the issue to focus on. Tell his wife.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2021 11:26

I wouldn’t go. And as for respect, I’d immediately lose respect for my husband if he said that.

Cultural differences don’t account for doing illegal stuff.

raffle · 30/09/2021 11:27

So he will be married twice?! Is the ceremony in his home country legal?

Shoxfordian · 30/09/2021 11:28

Does his wife know? Hope your husband hasn’t been to any similar “parties” without you

meadowbleu · 30/09/2021 11:29

How can you show 'respect' for a man and a family who collude to deceive a legal wife and commit bigamy?

I'd also be reassessing my opinion of the lovely husband there OP and his attitude towards me as his legal wife.

3scape · 30/09/2021 11:31

Hell no. Your DH is all sorts of wrong for wanting to show respect in this scenario.

CircleofWillis · 30/09/2021 11:34

Tell your DH that you will only go if his family member's wife goes too.

GU24Mum · 30/09/2021 11:35

I agree that I'd be with you and out of "respect" for his actual wife, would definitely not go. I'd also be having a long and hard think about your OH and his values....

HollowTalk · 30/09/2021 11:36

Sorry but your husband does not sound lovely at all.

And what happens to that woman can also happen to you.

steff13 · 30/09/2021 11:38

Something similar happened on Call the Midwife.

If the English wife doesn't know, I would have to tell her. Presumably he's going to be having children with this new "wife" and that's certainly going to affect his current wife.

MitheringMytryl · 30/09/2021 11:41

I think it hugely depends on whether or not his current wife knows about it.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 11:43

Does your husband have another wife there too?!

smallybells · 30/09/2021 11:45

Keep your eye out for your husbands second wife whilst you're there! 😬

If he's okay with it for his brother, I'd be running for the hills.

WheresYourSnickers · 30/09/2021 11:46

It's definitely NOT showing respect going to a wedding of a man who is already married to someone else. How bizarre??
What does his wife think?

WheresYourSnickers · 30/09/2021 11:47

And I'd also be worried about my husband thinking that's OK!!

Original poster
VeryOldPoster · 30/09/2021 11:48

I am not sure if his English wife knows. I don't think she does, but she might suspects, as she asked me if he has anybody back home, as he never takes her back to his country when he goes. Now I know the reason, but I absolutely do not want to destroy her world- she is in love and thinks a world of him. Besides, don't want to get involved in all the drama.
My post was about surprise at some of my friends saying that they would go to this 'wedding'
I absolutely know that I am right and really am disappointed with my DH. There is NOTHING ABSOLUTELY to respect!

OP posts:
WheresYourSnickers · 30/09/2021 11:51

I know you don't want to get involved OP, but I really think his wife deserves to know.
I'm astounded that anyone thinks this is OK, especially your friends- who I presume live in uk like you?

Fink · 30/09/2021 11:51

I think your title is a bit misleading: he's not a cheater, he's a wannabe bigamist. Cheating is awful (and I speak as someone whose husband left her for another woman), but bigamy is actually illegal. You definitely need to tell his wife and the police. And you need to seriously re-think your own marriage if your husband thinks this is in any way acceptable.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 11:52

I absolutely do not want to destroy her world

It's already destroyed and she deserves at least the respect of being informed

girlmom21 · 30/09/2021 11:53

If he marries this woman he's going to have children with her and you're going to be complicit.

His wife deserves to know the truth. Please tell her.

I'd also be having very serious discussions with DH if he thinks this is ok.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 11:53

If you do not tell her you are complicit in an illegal act

Weatherwax13 · 30/09/2021 11:54

I'm totally with you.
A close family member was in a long-term relationship with a man she adored. He started hinting at engagement and she was so happy. He went back to his home country to see his parents....and rang my family member as he "thought she should know" he'd been married that day but that it was only to placate his parents and that he'd be back soon and nothing would change between them.
He truly thought she'd accept the situation.
She ended it of course, but was absolutely in pieces for quite a while over that breathtaking deceit and sense of entitlement.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 11:55

don't want to get involved in all the drama

But you ARE involved

PegasusReturns · 30/09/2021 11:56

This woman, who is being betrayed horribly is a relative of your by marriage right?

If your DH had a second wife, would you want her to go to the wedding that was happening behind your back or tell you?! Afford her the same decency you would want for yourself

PlonkyWillyWonky · 30/09/2021 11:58

support bigamy , no thanks