Page 6 | Cheater's wedding- to go or not to go?

VeryOldPoster · 2021-09-30T10:24:15+00:00

Old poster, but don't want to be found out. I am married to a lovely man, he is from a foreign country. His family member lives here too, married to a lovely woman. She doesn't want children, whereas he does. Somehow, family back home think that it is perfectly fine for him to 'marry' somebody else back home. I said to my DH I don't want to go to this wedding as it is so against any common decency. He thinks 'it is just a party' and we should go 'to show respect'. Absolutely have no desire to go and thinks that 'respect' is not the word I want to use in this situation. We know his wife here, go to see them all the time. Funnily enough, few of my friends said I should go to a wedding as it will be lovely experience- they are organising really big, posh wedding, which I have never been to. This took me by surprise. AIBU to think I would rather chop the groom to a police for bigamy and tell his english wife, rather than go and 'enjoy' myself at this mock-of-a-wedding party?

BettySundaes · 30/09/2021 14:33

My guess is that the spineless about to be bigamist has not told his family about his "English" wife as she would not be an acceptable to them and therefore has succumbed to lots of family pressure to enter into an arranged marriage. This fits with the fact that English wife has never been taken to India to meet his family and she suspects something is up because of him keeping this part of his life separate. I wonder how he thinks he can manage this double life after the wedding??

It is not fair on the two women involved and shameful of your husband to be complicit in this - don't join them on this path. TELL HER!

hardboiledeggs · 30/09/2021 14:35

avoid that shit show and take a massive step back from your DH family. I'd also be a little worried my DH thought that was ok tbh.

bananafish · 30/09/2021 14:45

If it's an Islamic faith marriage to his English wife, then that's not recognised in UK law - I don't think? - so he wouldn't be committing bigamy if he married someone else. That's an assumption on my part of religious affiliation though, so apologies if wrong.

Morally, it's terrible though, whatever way you look at it, and I don't know how I would feel about my husband and family colluding to be so deceitful and heartless.

Nc4post99 · 30/09/2021 14:45

People need to stop saying it’s bigamy and the man can go to jail. It sucks as it’s a gross situation but it’s probably quite unlikely that he and his British wife are legally married.

If they aren’t legally married then it’s not bigamy and no legal crime has occurred (i say legal because it’s clearly a moral one). So calling the police is a waste of time it won’t do anything because it’s basically adultery which isn’t a criminal matter.

StoatMilk · 30/09/2021 14:59

@ThreeLittleDots

Does your husband have another wife there too?!

This

HannaHanna · 30/09/2021 15:09

My DH was unwillingly dragged into a situation like this in the US.
It was beyond bizarre - the man came to him for advice once he returned home and decided he had made a mistake. He feared legal trouble here. I suspect the second wife found out he's useless and threw him out, then later found out he was already married.

DH told him "If you don't tell your wife by this weekend, I am going to tell her." He did tell her, and she decided to "work on her marriage" and thanked my DH for encouraging him to confess. Told him of course she already knew something was up. She soon shipped him back to his country of origin.

However, within a few months the US based wife, who had been a friend of ours, took him back and sent money to pay off the other wife. Loads of drama and now she is really quite unpleasant to my DH and anyone else who knows about her very unhealthy situation.

pi1ar · 30/09/2021 15:17

Oh fgs OP. Get off MN and sort this out.

If you stand by and let this ‘party’ happen, you’re as bad as the people organising it.

No this is not normal in India. Not by a loooong way.

What’s the plan then - is he going to just stay in India and tell his U.K. wife he’s having a holiday?

Or is he planning to bring the new wife over from India at some point - surprise!!

Are this family insane?

Do you really not see how the current wife needs to know - like now.

Does your husband have another wife over there. When was the last ‘party’ he went to?

Btw, my husband is of Indian heritage and this is so far from normal that it’s barely believable.

She needs to know ASAP. I don’t know why you even have to ask.

pi1ar · 30/09/2021 15:20

Are they Muslim or Hindu?

pansypotter123 · 30/09/2021 15:21

I agree with what other posters here are saying but would also add: it's going to cost you a lot of money to go to this "wedding" - what are your husband's thoughts on that? Does he have money to throw away on such a thing?

HeadPain · 30/09/2021 15:34

@VeryOldPoster

I am not sure if his English wife knows. I don't think she does, but she might suspects, as she asked me if he has anybody back home, as he never takes her back to his country when he goes. Now I know the reason, but I absolutely do not want to destroy her world- she is in love and thinks a world of him. Besides, don't want to get involved in all the drama. My post was about surprise at some of my friends saying that they would go to this 'wedding' I absolutely know that I am right and really am disappointed with my DH. There is NOTHING ABSOLUTELY to respect!

I thought she knew and was fine with it until your last sentence in the OP. Then I'd have said, well there are different cultures, it's a cultural thing, but it's up to you if you go. But if she doesn't know... You have to tell her. I'd want to know if it was me, no matter how happy I was before knowing. She already has suspicions. You aren't destroying anything, he already did.

Also, yeh I'd be concerned by your husbands reaction.

HeadPain · 30/09/2021 15:34

And no don't go, obviously

HyacynthBucket · 30/09/2021 15:41

It is hard to believe you are actually asking the question here, OP. Of course you do not go. And of course you tell the UK wife what is going on. The fact that you even have to ask indicates that you or your values have been badly compromised by living with your DH's cultural mores. What on earth does he understand by the term "respect"? Do you really go along with deceit and overturning or twisting a basic concept such as honesty or respect?

DismantledKing · 30/09/2021 15:43

Your husband doesn’t sound like a ‘lovely man’. He sounds like a misogynistic bellend.

GreatPotato · 30/09/2021 15:55

What exactly about this situation does DH think you need to respect?

Did groom not have any family at his actual wedding?

Do weddings in India have the bit where people are asked about just impediments?

GreatPotato · 30/09/2021 15:56

@Nc4post99

People need to stop saying it’s bigamy and the man can go to jail. It sucks as it’s a gross situation but it’s probably quite unlikely that he and his British wife are legally married.

If they aren’t legally married then it’s not bigamy and no legal crime has occurred (i say legal because it’s clearly a moral one). So calling the police is a waste of time it won’t do anything because it’s basically adultery which isn’t a criminal matter.

If his English believes she had a wedding in England why wouldn't it be legal?

Original poster

VeryOldPoster · 30/09/2021 16:01

@HannaHanna

My DH was unwillingly dragged into a situation like this in the US. It was beyond bizarre - the man came to him for advice once he returned home and decided he had made a mistake. He feared legal trouble here. I suspect the second wife found out he's useless and threw him out, then later found out he was already married.

DH told him "If you don't tell your wife by this weekend, I am going to tell her." He did tell her, and she decided to "work on her marriage" and thanked my DH for encouraging him to confess. Told him of course she already knew something was up. She soon shipped him back to his country of origin.

However, within a few months the US based wife, who had been a friend of ours, took him back and sent money to pay off the other wife. Loads of drama and now she is really quite unpleasant to my DH and anyone else who knows about her very unhealthy situation.

That's what I am trying to avoid. I don't want to be blamed for, inevitable, fall out!

OP posts:

Twizbe · 30/09/2021 16:01

@GreatPotato there are a few things that make a wedding legal here in the uk. Lots of people don't realise that not all religious marriage ceremonies are legal. It's very easy to find yourself in a situation where you're not legally married.

FrogFairy · 30/09/2021 16:02

Aside from the moral implications of cheating/bigamy there is also the fact that the second wife and any children will need to be supported emotionally and financially by this man.

This could potentially have a big impact on his first wife whether they stay together or split up. In her shoes I would be divorcing and taking my share of the assets now.

FrogFairy · 30/09/2021 16:03

Also, given your husband’s acceptance of this, in your shoes I would be looking over my shoulder and wondering if this could be me in the future.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 30/09/2021 16:14

@FrogFairy

Also, given your husband’s acceptance of this, in your shoes I would be looking over my shoulder and wondering if this could be me in the future.

Or even in the present...

Nc4post99 · 30/09/2021 16:14

Because @GreatPotato they could have had just a religious marriage.

From the sounds of it, they are muslim or at least the husband is, not all of these weddings are civilly registered (same goes for Hindu and other ‘minority’ faith weddings).

The woman may have had a wedding and may well consider herself to be married but it doesn’t mean she legally is. I married my husband religiously before I did legally, it’s very very common. In my ILs I’d say actually those married legally are a minority. I’d also say if the husband is looking my to marry from back home, the girls family from back home will be banking on the fact she is brought to the UK, so as a result that marriage will be the legal one. I wish I didn’t have experience of this but FIL has done the exact same thing.

cabingirl · 30/09/2021 16:15

Do you have a printed or digital wedding invitation? I'd send it to the wife - let her take it from there.

But I definitely wouldn't be travelling for the wedding. And I'd find it difficult to be married to someone who thinks bigamy is okay.

MissMarpleRocks · 30/09/2021 16:31

Both women about to be stitched up good & proper.

WomanStanleyWoman · 30/09/2021 16:39

@Nc4post99

Because *@GreatPotato* they could have had just a religious marriage.

From the sounds of it, they are muslim or at least the husband is, not all of these weddings are civilly registered (same goes for Hindu and other ‘minority’ faith weddings).

The woman may have had a wedding and may well consider herself to be married but it doesn’t mean she legally is. I married my husband religiously before I did legally, it’s very very common. In my ILs I’d say actually those married legally are a minority. I’d also say if the husband is looking my to marry from back home, the girls family from back home will be banking on the fact she is brought to the UK, so as a result that marriage will be the legal one. I wish I didn’t have experience of this but FIL has done the exact same thing.

I would also be interested to know if the marriage is legal. Is the OP even 100% sure of the cousin’s marital status? Maybe he publicly refers to her as his ‘wife’ in the UK, but has spun her some line about how he can’t legally marry her because of cultural reasons etc. It still makes him a piece of shit, but being a piece of shit is not a criminal offence.

That’s just one reason why those saying ‘Call the police, he’s a bigamist!’ are wide of the mark. Even if he is legally married to his current partner, the OP can’t call the police and say this man is planning to commit bigamy. All she knows is that he’s planning a wedding. There’s no law against becoming engaged to someone whilst still married to someone else - as far as the police are concerned, he could be divorced by the time the wedding comes around. (The OP may believe there is no chance of this, but the opinion of the potential bigamist’s cousin’s wife doesn’t have a legal standing.)

I do wonder if, rather than his current marriage having only been a religious ceremony rather than a legal one, it’s the opposite - he had a registry office wedding and is justifying his bigamous marriage to himself on the basis that his first one didn’t count, as it wasn’t recognised in his religion.

WomanStanleyWoman · 30/09/2021 16:39

@Nc4post99

Because *@GreatPotato* they could have had just a religious marriage.

From the sounds of it, they are muslim or at least the husband is, not all of these weddings are civilly registered (same goes for Hindu and other ‘minority’ faith weddings).

The woman may have had a wedding and may well consider herself to be married but it doesn’t mean she legally is. I married my husband religiously before I did legally, it’s very very common. In my ILs I’d say actually those married legally are a minority. I’d also say if the husband is looking my to marry from back home, the girls family from back home will be banking on the fact she is brought to the UK, so as a result that marriage will be the legal one. I wish I didn’t have experience of this but FIL has done the exact same thing.

I would also be interested to know if the marriage is legal. Is the OP even 100% sure of the cousin’s marital status? Maybe he publicly refers to her as his ‘wife’ in the UK, but has spun her some line about how he can’t legally marry her because of cultural reasons etc. It still makes him a piece of shit, but being a piece of shit is not a criminal offence.

That’s just one reason why those saying ‘Call the police, he’s a bigamist!’ are wide of the mark. Even if he is legally married to his current partner, the OP can’t call the police and say this man is planning to commit bigamy. All she knows is that he’s planning a wedding. There’s no law against becoming engaged to someone whilst still married to someone else - as far as the police are concerned, he could be divorced by the time the wedding comes around. (The OP may believe there is no chance of this, but the opinion of the potential bigamist’s cousin’s wife doesn’t have a legal standing.)

I do wonder if, rather than his current marriage having only been a religious ceremony rather than a legal one, it’s the opposite - he had a registry office wedding and is justifying his bigamous marriage to himself on the basis that his first one didn’t count, as it wasn’t recognised in his religion.