Cheater's wedding- to go or not to go?

[VeryOldPoster]

Old poster, but don't want to be found out.
I am married to a lovely man, he is from a foreign country. His family member lives here too, married to a lovely woman. She doesn't want children, whereas he does. Somehow, family back home think that it is perfectly fine for him to 'marry' somebody else back home. I said to my DH I don't want to go to this wedding as it is so against any common decency. He thinks 'it is just a party' and we should go 'to show respect'. Absolutely have no desire to go and thinks that 'respect' is not the word I want to use in this situation.
We know his wife here, go to see them all the time.
Funnily enough, few of my friends said I should go to a wedding as it will be lovely experience- they are organising really big, posh wedding, which I have never been to. This took me by surprise. AIBU to think I would rather chop the groom to a police for bigamy and tell his english wife, rather than go and 'enjoy' myself at this mock-of-a-wedding party?

I absolutely do not want to destroy her world

Who would be responsible for destroying her world? The person who takes a second wife, or the person who alerts her that her marriage isn't all that it seems?

Let's hypothesise that this man marries another woman and they have children safely anonymous from the first wife. The man unfortunately dies. Family and second wife and children in India know he has a bank account, maybe a home and all his possessions in England and want to claim them. Widowed first wife, at the height of her bereavement suddenly finds out about the second family and furthermore, finds out that people in England knew all about it.

In that scenario the first wife could face losing her home, her support network and all the memories of the man she thought she knew and loved.

I really can't believe your friends think no further than a posh party and think you really need to do some serious thinking.

Reporting the groom is a better idea

Report groom to police. Tell his wife. You absolutely would be doing the wrong thing to stay silent. She is entitled to divorce him before he takes another wife.

@BananaPB

Reporting the groom is a better idea

Only works if both marriages are legal marriages. I highly doubt they would be. In which case it’s adultery and not a legal crime.

Know this too well, FIL prime example of this behaviour

Wait - his current wife doesn't know? Screw going to the wedding - that's not the issue to focus on. Tell his wife.

How can you even contemplate doing this behind his wife's back?

Any respect you show should be to her and let her know what's going on.

@Wandawide

Is his marriage that you know of a full legal one or a religious one like Sharia? What will the next one be a legal one or a religious one. I have been told that even if Sharia, all wives need to know of each other. If Sharia in UK is it recognised as being legal. Report to police that there is the possibility of a bigamous ceremony taking place. Police will have contacts with local community for guidance. They can check and contact officials in India. It will let you off the hook.

No, not all mosques civilly registered marriages. Some reputable places insist but some don’t, and the problem is it’s unregulated, hence how some v dodgy practicioners have been around in the past.

It’s not a condition of the sharia that all wives know each other, or socialise. There is a difference of opinion as to whether the consent of the first wife needs to be sought, most say no, but most agree she should be informed but this can happen after the fact.

How would you feel if it was you.

You say you don't know whether she knows so the best way to act is to assume she does know. Contact her directly and say something like "I hope you are ok. I just wanted to check in with you as DH & I have been invited to this [name of country] second wedding for [her husband's name] and I value your friendship highly and wouldn't want to upset you if that event isn't something you are happy about. None of my business to know the details but if you are totally ok with it then it would be good to know."

Good suggestion.

I'm not of the "always tell" camp but in this case you clearly have to. It's illegal and if he has a wife AND KIDS in another country, there's no way she won't be harmed by this, plus the whole family knows.

But please don't do it anonymously. I hate it when people suggest that. It will add uncertainty and confusion to everything else as she has no idea who knows and told her, how to assess what they say and so on. It's horrible to shield yourself and nobody else, at the cost of the person you claim to be helping. Tell her openly and honestly.

I would just tell her, but I'm not afraid of conflict and don't get along with liars/deceivers being in my close circle, although I turn a blind eye to anything beyond my close circle (immediate family). Do not go along with this under any circumstances. I can see you may prefer an anonymous tip-off and that is better than nothing but they are very unkind and will confuse her even more than necessary.

Old article but same scenario... here
I'll bet he's getting a massive dowry for this second sham wedding in India.

Silence here makes you complicit

How can you stay married to such a vile man I'd check your marriage is legal and make sure you're not being fuck'd over like this poor woman you're faking concern for.
Shame on you . I hope @MNHQ can report this as illegal activity. In all probability the English wife will find out she's not married at all when the shiny new Indian wife arrives.

I would have to tell her. In person, because an anonymous letter is easier to ignore and write off as just malicious. She will also probably have questions and require proof. You need to be able to fill in the gaps for her. She might be angry with you, or not believe you, but I think that's a risk worth taking. This is a devastating thing to find out years down the line.

I would certainly not attend the second marriage, imagine how she would feel if she found out that you had gone and not told her! Your husband's attitude is worrying too. How can respect be more important than honesty?

@Whinginadeville

Silence here makes you complicit

How can you stay married to such a vile man I'd check your marriage is legal and make sure you're not being fuck'd over like this poor woman you're faking concern for.
Shame on you . I hope @MNHQ can report this as illegal activity. In all probability the English wife will find out she's not married at all when the shiny new Indian wife arrives.

But it’s not illegal @Whinginadeville that’s the point. If dw1 is not legally married then no illegal activity has occurred by him marrying another from overseas.

Decent point about checking OPs marriage is legal though, but I don’t think it’s necessary to attack OP. It’s a really difficult and uncomfortable situation

As a bloke I think this is totally out of order.
His poor wife here in the UK has no idea about this, yet the rest of his family, including the OP's DH are all aware of it and up for it in a big way.
First off, this is bigamy under UK law.
Secondly, he should be reported to our police.
Thirdly, I think she has to be told and quickly.
Fourthly, if the OP's DH is OK with it, then his moral compass is seriously out of whack.

He can have more than one wife under religious laws, however only his first wife (English wife) would be recognised by UK law, assuming that they had a legally recognised (registrar office / Church) wedding. He can take further wives that are recognised under religious laws, Sharia law for example.
I'm not sure that this arrangement would be classed ad bigamy, unless he attempted to marry the second wife by having a non-religious marriage, I. E. they get married in a registrars office.

That said, if he's taking a second wife, the first wife should be in agreement with the arrangement, and he should financially be able to support both wives to the same standard. (I am aware of how the phrase 'take a wife' sounds, before anyone jumps me).

It sounds to me like he's wanting to have his cake and eat it, especially if the first wife has no idea. I'd have no respect for him, or for my DH, I wouldn't be attending and I'd be telling the first wife because she deserves to know what a selfish prick he is.

I know of several idiot women so enamoured with their "exotic" foreign husbands or partners that they brush all misogyny and abuse under the carpet. Almost like an inverse sort of racism really. Don't be like them.

In all probability the English wife will find out she's not married at all when the shiny new Indian wife arrives. --- one or the other will not be married. And your husband talks about respect!! Respect for who and what? respect for bigamy and telling lies??

He is the one being disrespectful to all women by even thinking about going along with this sham.

It’s not just about his wife here but the woman being duped into this marriage as I sincerely doubt she is aware he’s married. It will stop her from being able to get a visa and makes her vulnerable to him kidnapping their children in the future. It’s a horrifically shitty thing to do and I’d dump anyone who was willing to be complicit.

Do his family know he's already married? I'd suspect they don't or if they do the family back home mustn't view it as a real marriage in whatever their culture is. To be honest I'd be far more concerned about your husband, are you sure he isn't married to someone else too? If he's breezy enough to go along to a wedding where he knows the groom is commiting bigamy and is fine with it, how can you describe him as a lovely man?

You need to tell this poor woman what's going on.

I would not attend this wedding at all, but I would not get embroiled in any conversations about it either. I don't know all the legalities of marriages in India, but have certainly heard of this two marriages issue before.

Usually when people get married in India, the whole families get involved in a big way, and parents seem to get involved in a big way too, so you would think that there would be people who would object to this second marriage of a man , who is going to have a new wife in India, and already has a wife in the UK. Maybe these things are not frowned upon in other countries, and they can have various arrangements for some marriages.

How can you possibly stay with a man who supports this? The mind boggles.

I'm normally all for not getting involved but in this case I think you should.

It sounds like it's no secret in the family so play innocent and just tell her you're looking forward to the big family wedding in India. That will set her off on the path to discovery

The cousin is scum, there’s no question, but the OP is a part of his family.

Who are all colluding, including the OP's DH. I'd be thinking hard about how much longer I wanted to be part of that family.

I absolutely do not want to destroy her world

She suspects already so it's hardly a bolt from the blue. It's just confirmation that her husband is planning to destroy her world so she can take steps to protect herself.

I can't face the fall out

What fall out are you expecting?

I am not afraid if Dh's family,

But you are afraid of the fall out, so if it's not from DH's family then who is it from? Is it from DH himself? Or is the real fall out the realisation that you don't have such a "lovely" marriage and friends after all, but they're people who would willingly throw another woman like yourself under the bus without a second thought?

He thinks ... we should go 'to show respect'.

What is there to show respect to in all this? Respect to a family who don't think an English wife or a childless wife is a proper wife? Or respect to a man who hasn't told his family his first wife exists, or maybe hasn't married her legally? What else might your husband want you to "respect"?

'it is just a party'

Was your wedding "just a party" as well?

We know his wife here, go to see them all the time.

And now your husband wants you to collude in abusing and disrespecting his relative's wife. Your husband is not bothered if the first wife knows about it or not. The relative matters to your husband, the wife just doesn't. There is going to be a lot of fallout if you try to challenge that. It calls into question the basis of your own marriage.

@Peoniesandpeaches

It’s not just about his wife here but the woman being duped into this marriage as I sincerely doubt she is aware he’s married. It will stop her from being able to get a visa and makes her vulnerable to him kidnapping their children in the future. It’s a horrifically shitty thing to do and I’d dump anyone who was willing to be complicit.

Yes, and the financial implications for the new 'wife'. It sounds like they plan to have a family and it would be fair for her to assume that she will have the financial protections afforded to married women (eg. rights if he leaves her, rights to property etc if he dies).

OP- could you have an open discussion with your DH about why this is not fair on either of the women involved? If you don't feel able to have that conversation I think you need to consider your relationship. If you do, and he remains of the opinion that it's all ok/non of his business then he is not a good man. This is not a 'cultural differences' matter.