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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheater's wedding- to go or not to go?

210 replies

VeryOldPoster · 30/09/2021 11:24

Old poster, but don't want to be found out.
I am married to a lovely man, he is from a foreign country. His family member lives here too, married to a lovely woman. She doesn't want children, whereas he does. Somehow, family back home think that it is perfectly fine for him to 'marry' somebody else back home. I said to my DH I don't want to go to this wedding as it is so against any common decency. He thinks 'it is just a party' and we should go 'to show respect'. Absolutely have no desire to go and thinks that 'respect' is not the word I want to use in this situation.
We know his wife here, go to see them all the time.
Funnily enough, few of my friends said I should go to a wedding as it will be lovely experience- they are organising really big, posh wedding, which I have never been to. This took me by surprise. AIBU to think I would rather chop the groom to a police for bigamy and tell his english wife, rather than go and 'enjoy' myself at this mock-of-a-wedding party?

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 12:59

The poor woman needs to see a solicitor!

Coffeetree · 30/09/2021 13:04

It's reprehensible in any culture.

In religions/cultures which practise polygyny, it's meant to be done in an open, transparent way that shows respect to the wives and their families. So the issue first gets discussed with the first wife and she gets veto power.

He's making a mockery of his own religion with all this sneaking around.

By all means tell his wife! At the very least she'll need an std check.

diddl · 30/09/2021 13:05

So what happens to his wife "back home" & any children?

You must tell his wife.

Your husband is an utter disgrace imo.

He wants to go to India for a party & to "show respect"?

Respect to whom & why?

SunshineCake1 · 30/09/2021 13:05

Sending her an anonymous letters is cruel and cowardly.

Eskarina1 · 30/09/2021 13:05

If my husband thought that any part of this was acceptable I would think we were culturally incompatible.

Setting aside the massive betrayal of his English wife, what he's planning on doing to his Indian bride is horrible. My cousins on my mum's side are Indian (mum is mixed race) and sex outside of marriage is a massive deal. He's going to trick this poor woman into living with/sleeping with and having children with him with no legal or social protection? And your husband is going to sit there and celebrate while two women are completely fucked over.

Silence here makes you complicit

InkKeepsRunning · 30/09/2021 13:06

To be honest it would be making me ask very serious questions about my husband if he thought this was acceptable.

Unfortunately I also know a number of similar cases. In all of them, I didn’t know the UK wife, but there’s no way in one million years that I would go to the wedding. I’d be absolutely disgusting with my husband if he even hinted at such a thing.

I’m not sure what I’d do about the UK wife. I guess it depends how well I knew her - but I’d struggle to have any contact with her if I knew and she didn’t. If she knows and accepts then situation, then I guess that’s her look-out.

RampantIvy · 30/09/2021 13:11

Silence here makes you complicit

Exactly. It is morally, ethically and legally wrong to support this "marriage"

SinoohXaenaHide · 30/09/2021 13:11

She needs to know, and it's not you destroying her world it is him. If she doesn't know and you don't tell her you are colluding in a deception which will only get worse the longer it goes on. She can choose whether to go for a "clean break" divorce ASAP so that he can marry this other woman, or can choose to consent to being part of this setup - but it has to be her choice. Once he is married and start sending money to his other family she will certainly be affected, so she needs the chance to make a decision.

You say you don't know whether she knows so the best way to act is to assume she does know. Contact her directly and say something like "I hope you are ok. I just wanted to check in with you as DH & I have been invited to this [name of country] second wedding for [her husband's name] and I value your friendship highly and wouldn't want to upset you if that event isn't something you are happy about. None of my business to know the details but if you are totally ok with it then it would be good to know."

SleepingBunnies21 · 30/09/2021 13:12

Your husband is complicit.

He's approving it, not disapproving by keeping it from his cousins wife and by planning tk attend the wedding.

You do not have a lovely husband.

His values may well bite you on the a v hard some day too, I hope you're prepared.

As someone saud above they're treating his wife like an irrelevance/dupe, and his wife to be like a brood mare (who's also presumably being duped and diesbt know hea already married?).

The disrespect to women is astounding.

Also his wife will have their joint assets affected by his new wife and family. Why should she?

Why can't he get a divorce? That's the only decent thing to do if he's determined he has to have kids.

His morals are so low they're below the gutter, and your husband is complicit in it.

timeisnotaline · 30/09/2021 13:12

The wife needs to know!! She could be funding this 2nd marriage and children if they have shared finances, I can’t even!

As for the wedding, what respect? Id be looking at my dh differently, and asking him what differentiates us from his cousin- if you have children is it just that you’re fertile and if you were infertile he’d be flying off to India ‘to see his parents’ with you not invited since it’s his wedding?

Lucked · 30/09/2021 13:12

How dare they talk about respect when treating his wife like this. This is horrific.

Please tell her. How would you feel if you discovered your husband has a second wife and another family. My mind is boggling that they are being so open about it.

Lweji · 30/09/2021 13:13

He's not a cheater. He's going to be a bigamist.

And people who go to the wedding knowing this are condoning it.

SleepingBunnies21 · 30/09/2021 13:15

He wants/feels he has to have children. She doesn't.

They are fundamentally incompatible. The only moral solution is divorce.

Why do I have the feeling though that even if his presumably Caucasian wife did agree tk have kids, that wouldn't be acceptable either, abd he's still have to marry and gave kids with a suitable Indian girl?

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 13:15

I wonder if the Indian High Commissioner offices in the UK could help her SIL somehow.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 13:16

Sorry, not SIL,

SleepingBunnies21 · 30/09/2021 13:18

How dare they talk about respect when treating his wife like this.

This sounds like respect and honour in the same way as disfiguring and murdering women who don't do what they're told and keep themselves chaste. That realm of "respect".

Seesawmummadaw · 30/09/2021 13:21

I wonder if she asked you if he has anyone in India because she knows that your husband does?

I would start the conversation with ‘you know when you asked if your Dh had anyone in India? I’m sorry to break it to you but….’

She needs to know before the wedding.

Seesawmummadaw · 30/09/2021 13:22

Btw your friends are crazy. I would be dumping them.

By telling the wife you are protecting her.

Wandawide · 30/09/2021 13:24

Is his marriage that you know of a full legal one or a religious one like Sharia?
What will the next one be a legal one or a religious one.
I have been told that even if Sharia, all wives need to know of each other.
If Sharia in UK is it recognised as being legal.
Report to police that there is the possibility of a bigamous ceremony taking place. Police will have contacts with local community for guidance. They can check and contact officials in India.
It will let you off the hook.

Marimaur · 30/09/2021 13:35

Tell her.

Eralos · 30/09/2021 13:35

This is so strange! Is he planning on doing a legal ceremony in India? Or just a religious one? What do your in laws think?

dualteaching · 30/09/2021 13:36

I am with @Wandawide on this: inform the police, insist on anonymity, and leave it to them.

The wife 100% needs to be informed of this, but if you are worried this might result in potentially violent repercussions against either her or you yourself, play it through the police.

usernamealreadytaken · 30/09/2021 13:37

Polygamy is illegal in India except in certain (religious) circumstances. Is the scumbag a Muslim? It may be that his UK marriage is not recognised in India and the family feels that nothing is wrong, but it is still thoroughly illegal here if there UK marriage is a legal UK one.

You are absolutely complicit if you are aware of this, the wife has asked you about it, and you withhold information. It would be cruel and cowardly to do so by letter, but better than not doing it at all. You should simultaneously send an anonymous letter to the police and probably look closely at your own marriage, given your husband's moral code.

Nc4post99 · 30/09/2021 13:37

This sounds like my in-laws.

Can he religiously take 2 wives? Is he legally married to his British wife or just a religious ceremony. I’m asking because I know unfortunately a fair few people who have been caught in this situation. Married back home, a legal marriage and then brought the wife from back home to the UK. Wife in UK has been none the wiser until this massive bomb dropped. Wife from back home also didn’t know there was another wife and potentially family. The only person the benefits in this situation is the bloke.

If it looks like it will happen, I think you should tell her, save her the horrid shock of finding out months later that dw2 lived down the road and DH has been living a double life for months/ years.

BananaPB · 30/09/2021 13:37

I think your problem is if wife finds out, you will be on her shit list because it looks like you have taken sides.