Cheater's wedding- to go or not to go?

[VeryOldPoster]

Old poster, but don't want to be found out.
I am married to a lovely man, he is from a foreign country. His family member lives here too, married to a lovely woman. She doesn't want children, whereas he does. Somehow, family back home think that it is perfectly fine for him to 'marry' somebody else back home. I said to my DH I don't want to go to this wedding as it is so against any common decency. He thinks 'it is just a party' and we should go 'to show respect'. Absolutely have no desire to go and thinks that 'respect' is not the word I want to use in this situation.
We know his wife here, go to see them all the time.
Funnily enough, few of my friends said I should go to a wedding as it will be lovely experience- they are organising really big, posh wedding, which I have never been to. This took me by surprise. AIBU to think I would rather chop the groom to a police for bigamy and tell his english wife, rather than go and 'enjoy' myself at this mock-of-a-wedding party?

If his wife is as lovely as you say, she doesn't deserve to be dragged into all this, poor girl, give her the truth and allow her to choose herself if she wants to be involved in this or not.

He is married legally here, we went to a Registry wedding in the Uk, lovely party afterwards.
I don't really want to ask my PILs if they know anything about cousin's marriage situation now. They certainly know he is married in the UK. There were some family members of my DH and his cousin at the wedding, although, not his parents- the reason at the time was given that they were too old to travel to the UK, but it might have been that they did not want to attend the wedding. Who knows now.
Cousin is 34 now, is not like he is some youngster, just relenting to his parents' wishes. I think is him, it's just him- cheating b*d with no morals.

@VeryOldPoster

I know what you mean but in our case I suspect no matter what DH did the outcome would be the same. At least he can live with his conscience this way. She does not want to look at the truth of her situation, so instead is being mean to other people who know about it.

I would not be able to participate in this charade and would absolutely tell the BIL and your DH - 'If you don't tell her, I will have to do so.' I would be raising hell with your DH if he is willing to abide this - because it means that marriage means nothing to him.

I do wonder if, rather than his current marriage having only been a religious ceremony rather than a legal one, it’s the opposite - he had a registry office wedding and is justifying his bigamous marriage to himself on the basis that his first one didn’t count, as it wasn’t recognised in his religion.

Slightly off-topic, but I seem to remember our very own Prime Minister recently using this excuse to justify having a Roman Catholic wedding in Westminster Cathedral, despite already having been married and divorced - twice. He claimed that as his previous two marriages were both secular, neither of them were recognised by the Roman Catholic church.

@VeryOldPoster

He is married legally here, we went to a Registry wedding in the Uk, lovely party afterwards. I don't really want to ask my PILs if they know anything about cousin's marriage situation now. They certainly know he is married in the UK. There were some family members of my DH and his cousin at the wedding, although, not his parents- the reason at the time was given that they were too old to travel to the UK, but it might have been that they did not want to attend the wedding. Who knows now. Cousin is 34 now, is not like he is some youngster, just relenting to his parents' wishes. I think is him, it's just him- cheating b*d with no morals.

His parents don't know he's married or believe it's a 'wild oats' situation and not a real marriage.

Please, tell his wife. She's going to find out sooner or later.

Someone should tell his parents that he is legally married.

@VeryOldPoster

He is married legally here, we went to a Registry wedding in the Uk, lovely party afterwards. I don't really want to ask my PILs if they know anything about cousin's marriage situation now. They certainly know he is married in the UK. There were some family members of my DH and his cousin at the wedding, although, not his parents- the reason at the time was given that they were too old to travel to the UK, but it might have been that they did not want to attend the wedding. Who knows now. Cousin is 34 now, is not like he is some youngster, just relenting to his parents' wishes. I think is him, it's just him- cheating b*d with no morals.

Am I right assuming they are Muslim?

Is there a chance they are just doing a nikah back home and not registering it there either? I’m not sure how Indian law works re marriage but unless he plans to divorce wife 1 he wouldn’t be able to bring wife 2 to the country so I’m really unclear what the point is of marrying someone so far away from where he lives. If it’s a case of cheating or taking a second wife to have kids with them surely there are easier ways in the Uk and already many ‘suitable’ girls here

Is he planning to come back?

You have to tell her!! Usually I'm of the keep out of it let people be school but this is way way over the line. You talk about children as if that's the justification for this? That English wife doesn't want them so it is what, expected he would have an Indian wife and children with her? That is just so far into not ok. Are you afraid you will be blamed for the fallout? I don't think you should mess about trying to tell his parents he is already married, they have much less to lose. Please tell her. She should get to decide what she wants from her life.

Think only one other poster asked what about money! Besides the moral and legal side of things, where is the money to support the second wife and children supposed to come from?! That would probably be thieving joint marital assets, unless they keep their finances totally separate.

I don't want to be blamed for, inevitable, fall out!

Which makes you complicit. I couldn’t care less about fall out, I couldn’t let this happen and stay quiet just so I had an easy life.

This is so serious and wron g in every way I wouldn't be concerned about fall out either.

That's what I am trying to avoid. I don't want to be blamed for, inevitable, fall out!

You can't know if that will happen, or not. Just as you can't know if not telling will result in her hating you when she finds out.

Why go along with the plans of a cheating creep?

I don't want to be blamed for, inevitable, fall out!

So you are scared of your husband's family. Ask yourself, why would you be blamed, unless they are all satisfied with what is happening and happy to go along with it? You would be blamed for rocking the boat?

Why go along with the plans of a cheating creep?

Because her husband and the rest of the family know he's a cheating creep and they don't care. They might not cheat themselves but they all share the same family values, which are that the cheating bastard with no morals matters and his wives don't. The OP can't challenge that.

@BudrosBudrosGalli

Think only one other poster asked what about money! Besides the moral and legal side of things, where is the money to support the second wife and children supposed to come from?! That would probably be thieving joint marital assets, unless they keep their finances totally separate.

In the country where the guy I know comes from, it is legal but the man must prove he can support the wives and also they must agree to it. I think technically it’s frowned upon so this is how they stop it.

Tell her

@HannaHanna but the whole point is it may be legal in India (or other countries) but it isn’t legal at all in England where OP’s DH’s cousin married his first wife albeit in a registry office setting and not a religious ceremony as he’s planned to do with his second bride to be.

OP - I’d suggest you lay this out legally so the man knows what he’s doing is illegal and could get him a jail sentence and not only that but if he does get married in India and the new wife tries to gain entrance to England she may not get it if she’s found to be married illegally.

You could point out separation and divorce routes if he wants to divorce first wife.

No way should everyone in the family think this other wedding is just a big party!

Maybe if you pose the above you could hint if someone else found out and shopped him it’s illegal.

Tell his UK wife OP, and his Indian fiancee if you have any way to, which it sounds like you don't. This situation is awful and men only get away with this kind of crap because the women in their lives keep quiet about it and become complicit in the crime. And bigamy is a crime.

Things will get very messy once he has kids in India who will want to claim their British passport through him - I've heard of this situation before. The bigamous groom died, his Indian wife's children wanted to claim their British passports as they were half-British, they contacted the UK authorities to try to sort it out, where they discovered he also had an English family. Both widows were devastated, the children were upset and confused, and the Home Office said they can't both be real wives and the passport situation is an ongoing row. Don't even get me started on the inheritance confusion, basically his wife and children in India have been left destitute.

I like you would probably do an anonymous letter to minimise drama.

I'd also be having a very serious chat with my husband if I found out that he thought bigamy was acceptable.

And your husband thinks this is ok? And thinks it's fine to attend?! Two faced little snake how dare he socialise and act all friendly with the wife and be happy to dance at the wedding of her adulterous husband. Sickening really, your DH has no morals.

Tell her and watch out yourself.

Cousin is 34 now, is not like he is some youngster, just relenting to his parents' wishes. I think is him, it's just him- cheating b*d with no morals.

India is a long way to go for a bit on the side. There has to be more to it than this. Either the parents know nothing of his existing wife, or he’s conveniently airbrushed her out because the ‘bride’ to be or her family have money, and he’s thinking (probably correctly) that, if you’re having a religious wedding in India, it’s probably not that hard to hide the fact that you’ve had a civil marriage in the UK.

@BoredZelda

I don't want to be blamed for, inevitable, fall out!

Which makes you complicit. I couldn’t care less about fall out, I couldn’t let this happen and stay quiet just so I had an easy life.

Good for you. The fallout for the OP may be the end of her marriage. Maybe she isn’t ready to take that risk to help someone else.

What a truly awful thing. I definitely wouldn’t go. And I would be questioning the moral compass of those who think it’s fine to go. If you went and the English wife found out…what betrayal!

@Sciurus83

You have to tell her!! Usually I'm of the keep out of it let people be school but this is way way over the line. You talk about children as if that's the justification for this? That English wife doesn't want them so it is what, expected he would have an Indian wife and children with her? That is just so far into not ok. Are you afraid you will be blamed for the fallout? I don't think you should mess about trying to tell his parents he is already married, they have much less to lose. Please tell her. She should get to decide what she wants from her life.

I am sorry if I made that impression, but nowhere in my post I said it was ok for this man to marry second woman just because the first one wouldn't have his children. I am appalled at his intentions and do not make any excuses for him.

I feel sorry for both women. No way to tell his future bride (I don't know her), but I think I will muster all my strength and send an anonymous letter to wife. I just can't tell her face to face, I don't want to see her devastation. I just can't.

Normally I wouldn’t encourage anonymous letters, but totally understand your reasoning in this case.
At this point I don’t really think it matters on how you tell her but she needs to know regardless.

I don’t understand how the cousin thinks he won’t get found out, especially as you have been invited to India. Won’t the wife question why you are all going but she’s being left behind.

She already has her suspicions so put her out of her misery.

I don't want to see her devastation. I just can't.

Then send a letter, but sign it with your name. Anonymous letters are so horrible in circumstances like this. She'll not only have the shock of the revelation, but she'll not know who told her, or why, so she can't make any judgements as to whether to trust it or what to do.

If you really care about her devastation, don't add to it. Someone gave you a good draft earlier that doesn't pressure her to respond to you in any particular way but leaves your door open (beware of unintentionally making it all about you with too much focus on how awful it is for you to have to tell her).

Don't protect yourself at her expense. She needs all the support and cushioning she can get and anonymity will make it worse.