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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheater's wedding- to go or not to go?

210 replies

VeryOldPoster · 30/09/2021 11:24

Old poster, but don't want to be found out.
I am married to a lovely man, he is from a foreign country. His family member lives here too, married to a lovely woman. She doesn't want children, whereas he does. Somehow, family back home think that it is perfectly fine for him to 'marry' somebody else back home. I said to my DH I don't want to go to this wedding as it is so against any common decency. He thinks 'it is just a party' and we should go 'to show respect'. Absolutely have no desire to go and thinks that 'respect' is not the word I want to use in this situation.
We know his wife here, go to see them all the time.
Funnily enough, few of my friends said I should go to a wedding as it will be lovely experience- they are organising really big, posh wedding, which I have never been to. This took me by surprise. AIBU to think I would rather chop the groom to a police for bigamy and tell his english wife, rather than go and 'enjoy' myself at this mock-of-a-wedding party?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 01/10/2021 11:30

Also, if she gets an anonymous letter, she's likely to ask people she trusts about it. Then you'll have to either lie and say you didn't know, or lie and say you did know but weren't the one who told her, or just come clean anyway.

I don't believe in always telling whenever you know someone is cheating. It depends very much on one's connection to the situation and the betrayed partner, and other things too. But I do believe that if you think you've got a duty to tell, you should be open at least to the betrayed spouse about who you are and why you're doing it. You're trying to right a wrong regarding lying and subterfuge; this much of the story, for them, should be transparent.

Bookworm20 · 01/10/2021 11:59

That's what I am trying to avoid. I don't want to be blamed for, inevitable, fall out!

My god woman, you have to tell her. She has to know this. I understand your reluctance, but you can't sit on that information just because you don't want any fallout.

Imagine if you actually went and your friend found out that you not only knew about it, but actually attended his bigamist wedding! The poor woman would think she has not a single friend left in the world and the fallout from that would be far far worse.

And as for your husband thinking its all lovely and fine. What the hell kind of morals does he has? Absolutely none?
If thats his attitude, are you sure you're not next?

GrandmaSteglitszch · 01/10/2021 13:13

Then send a letter, but sign it with your name. Anonymous letters are so horrible in circumstances like this. She'll not only have the shock of the revelation, but she'll not know who told her, or why, so she can't make any judgements as to whether to trust it or what to do.

An anonymous letter will add to her distress.
Stop making this about you.
Write the letter and sign it.

ThreeLittleDots · 01/10/2021 13:20

I just can't tell her face to face, I don't want to see her devastation

Can you explain this a bit more? You don't want to see her crying? Being angry?

Why? Do you feel you don't have the tools to cope with someone else's emotional distress? If so you can ask for help here.

ThreeLittleDots · 01/10/2021 13:22

An anonymous letter is cruel

ProfessionalWeirdo · 01/10/2021 13:31

How about starting off by saying something on the lines of: “I apologise in advance for what I’m about to tell you, but there’s no easy way of saying this…”

blubberyboo · 01/10/2021 13:34

You need to ring the police.
These people must think what they are doing is legal because they are doing it in another country but in fact they are breaking UK law

There is nothing in this situation for you to respect other than the mans existing wife
And that includes your own DH who is being dispicable

blubberyboo · 01/10/2021 13:38

And given your DH is related to him and from the same country how on earth can you trust him and his family that he hasn’t already done the same to you. Or might do in the future

WomanStanleyWoman · 01/10/2021 14:58

@blubberyboo

You need to ring the police. These people must think what they are doing is legal because they are doing it in another country but in fact they are breaking UK law

There is nothing in this situation for you to respect other than the mans existing wife
And that includes your own DH who is being dispicable

And tell them what? That she’s been invited to a wedding in India? The police would have absolutely nothing to go on.
blubberyboo · 01/10/2021 15:20

Duh that she’s been invited to a wedding in another country of a man who is already married in this country.
They could arrest him on reentry

MrsFlinch · 01/10/2021 15:31

@blubberyboo

You need to ring the police. These people must think what they are doing is legal because they are doing it in another country but in fact they are breaking UK law

There is nothing in this situation for you to respect other than the mans existing wife
And that includes your own DH who is being dispicable

I very much doubt police would do anything, because the bigamy hasn’t yet been committed. So no crime has actually taken place.

Bit like if you report someone for drink driving, the police have to actually catch them in the act before they can prosecute. It doesn’t matter if you witnessed it or knew what they were going to do. The authorities can’t take your word for it without solid proof.

frazzledasarock · 01/10/2021 15:37

If it’s just a religious ceremony in the other country there’s nothing the police will do then either.

Having a party and having a sexual relationship with a woman other than your spouse is not illegal.

He can wonder around the world with a wife in every country if he wants. It’s only bigamy if he tries to get it legally registered.

wizzywig · 01/10/2021 15:39

Muslim by any chance? I see this happening in the pakistani community occasionally. Women are just objects

frazzledasarock · 01/10/2021 16:03

Let’s not pretend men having affairs and having second and third and fourth etc families is a Muslim exclusive behaviour.

Gonnagetgoing · 01/10/2021 16:13

So because the fall out for the OP may be the end of her marriage she should be complicit almost in her DH’s cousin marrying illegally and bigamously? She isn’t doing anything wrong but nothing wrong with shopping him to police/immigration which I would do, anonymously, if the second marriage went ahead with no divorce of first wife.

blubberyboo · 01/10/2021 16:28

I very much doubt police would do anything, because the bigamy hasn’t yet been committed. So no crime has actually taken place

Disagree. If someone had a prior knowledge that a crime is about to take place of course it should be reported.
If someone knows that a burglary, bank robbery, fraud, theft, armed robbery, trafficking….Any crime.. is about to take place the citizen reporting it is doing the right thing by reporting it.
What the police then chooses to do is up to them but they can’t do anything without the information. They can then choose to put themselves at the scene and catch the person in the act. In this case arresting them on return to UK or liaising with authorities abroad.

This is a separate matter to advising the existing wife which of course she should also do.

HermannlovesPauline · 01/10/2021 16:32

Sounds illegal as fuck

YouTubeAddict · 01/10/2021 16:37

I hope your husband hasn’t got a second wife.

C152 · 01/10/2021 17:26

This is so unbelievable I had to read the original post several times! How could anyone think bigamy is OK? Why on earth would your husband and other friends want to support such outrageously awful behaviour? What about the potential second wife? This guy's planning on having kids with her then leaving her and the kids in their home country while he lives back in the UK and perhaps visits them occassionally?

Even if it risked your friendship, I would have to be blunt and tell this guy's UK wife outright what was going on. What she chooses to do then is her business, but at least she would definitely know.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/10/2021 17:33

Well I think you should tell his English wife

Or when he dies he could have left everything to his children

And it's obviously the right thing to do anyway Hmm

Ridiculous that anyone would condone this bollocks - I'd leave my own husband if he wanted to collude in this misogynistic, illegal travesty.

TSSDNCOP · 01/10/2021 17:33

OP I may be off base here, and apologise if so. Am I correct to think that in India there is a type of marriage that is not marriage as the UK recognise marriage. I recall a colleague that was married in India, but when she came to live in the UK with her Indian husband their marriage was not recognised for Visa purposes and they had to marry here too in a civil service.

I am in no way excusing the mans behaviour by the way. He is a total shit.

Nc4post99 · 01/10/2021 17:36

@wizzywig

Muslim by any chance? I see this happening in the pakistani community occasionally. Women are just objects
Same but the phrasing of ‘women are just objects’ is problematic @wizzywig, makes it seem like ALL Pakistani / muslim men think like this and there’s already enough stigma around muslim men.

I’m married to a lovely Pakistani muslim man who is the polar opposite of the turd of a man described in this thread. Don’t want to make to seem like they are all the same

Tinpotspectator · 02/10/2021 10:21

@Nc4post99 Excellent post.

WomanStanleyWoman · 02/10/2021 10:30

@blubberyboo

Duh that she’s been invited to a wedding in another country of a man who is already married in this country. They could arrest him on reentry
‘Duh’ - are they going to simply take the word of someone who says she was invited to this wedding, but didn’t actually go? Because the OP seems pretty set on not going; so she won’t even be able to claim she’s a witness. You’re deluded if you think the police are going to be surrounding the Arrivals gate at Heathrow for the possibility of a bigamous marriage in another country.
MrsFlinch · 02/10/2021 12:12

@blubberyboo

I very much doubt police would do anything, because the bigamy hasn’t yet been committed. So no crime has actually taken place

Disagree. If someone had a prior knowledge that a crime is about to take place of course it should be reported.
If someone knows that a burglary, bank robbery, fraud, theft, armed robbery, trafficking….Any crime.. is about to take place the citizen reporting it is doing the right thing by reporting it.
What the police then chooses to do is up to them but they can’t do anything without the information. They can then choose to put themselves at the scene and catch the person in the act. In this case arresting them on return to UK or liaising with authorities abroad.

This is a separate matter to advising the existing wife which of course she should also do.

Yes I get what you are saying but the would need some form of solid proof that this was actually going to take place before they could do anything. You can tell that police that you’ve heard that a crime is going to take place, but they can’t just take your word for it without any evidence to back it up.

Christ it’s hard enough getting police assistance when a crime has been committed never mind one that hasn’t, as the uk police are stretched to their limits.
Add to that the international aspect of it. They just wouldn’t have the manpower.

Yes you’ve done your duty by reporting a potential crime. But you need something to back that up, they can’t just go on your say so.

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