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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheater's wedding- to go or not to go?

210 replies

VeryOldPoster · 30/09/2021 11:24

Old poster, but don't want to be found out.
I am married to a lovely man, he is from a foreign country. His family member lives here too, married to a lovely woman. She doesn't want children, whereas he does. Somehow, family back home think that it is perfectly fine for him to 'marry' somebody else back home. I said to my DH I don't want to go to this wedding as it is so against any common decency. He thinks 'it is just a party' and we should go 'to show respect'. Absolutely have no desire to go and thinks that 'respect' is not the word I want to use in this situation.
We know his wife here, go to see them all the time.
Funnily enough, few of my friends said I should go to a wedding as it will be lovely experience- they are organising really big, posh wedding, which I have never been to. This took me by surprise. AIBU to think I would rather chop the groom to a police for bigamy and tell his english wife, rather than go and 'enjoy' myself at this mock-of-a-wedding party?

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 12:28

An anonymous letter would cause more panic and heartache rather than you being up front and honest. Don't add to her shock.

girlmom21 · 30/09/2021 12:29

Don't send her an anonymous letter. She's already come to you with her concerns. Please just tell her the truth.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 12:29

Or are you worried you will lose your husband if you tell her? If so, he's even less of a husband than he already is for being complicit in abuse

Gonnagetgoing · 30/09/2021 12:31

@SandyY2K

He should have just told her he wants kids and not married her or get divorced.

This is really crazy that the family expect you to go and that your friends think it's okay. What kind of people are they? World they like to be in the wife's position?

Sadly I’ve known a couple of Indian/Middle Eastern men who’ve either had relationships with English women (one got engaged) and have wanted the “English” wife/situation but knew at heart they’d have to marry from their own culture/religion and often they’re ostriches about this and some (not all) try to mislead other women and put off their “proper” marriages with women from their home country. The woman I know who got engaged on the quiet to one man luckily guessed he was having arranged marriage conversations and ended her engagement quick smart but was furious with her fiancé and threatened to tell his family about their secret engagement.
HeartsAndClubs · 30/09/2021 12:31

@ ThreeLittleDots I’m generally not a fan of the anonymous letter, but tbh I don’t think there’s any easy way to do this.

The cousin is scum, there’s no question, but the OP is a part of his family. If she is going to remain part of this family then she needs to be careful how she proceeds here, and if she intends not to remain part of the family then it may well make co parenting much harder.

I absolutely would want to tell her, but on balance rather than telling her I might be inclined to report him to the police instead.

Thehop · 30/09/2021 12:32

If be more worried about your husband thinking this is fine, yet continuing to pretend to be lovely.

So he marries this woman in India illegally. She has his children. Where does he live?

Gonnagetgoing · 30/09/2021 12:34

@girlmom21

Don't send her an anonymous letter. She's already come to you with her concerns. Please just tell her the truth.
I’m guessing a anonymous letter would lead to such fall out to OP that she thinks it’s best to do this rather than tell her the truth, which I think she should do.

Let’s hope the groom’s family wouldn’t try to harm OP or the current wife in this situation. And yes I’ve known and spoken to a few Muslim men who agree with and condone honour killings.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 12:35

Would the police even have the resources to look into it? The crime hasn't yet been committed?

I'd want to know asap if I was the wife

godmum56 · 30/09/2021 12:35

so lets be clear, he is LEGALLY married to his Uk wife? I mean in either case she should be told and sadly I think it falls to you to do it as kindly as you can but if he is legally married then its bigamy and someone needs to tell the law.....but I'd also be wondering about your own "lovely husband" if he thinks its ok.

JacquelineCarlyle · 30/09/2021 12:36

@fruitbrewhaha

I'd shout it from the rooftops.

What a delightful way to treat women your DH's culture has.

I think your BIL needs to divorce his English wife, and go home to live in the culture he would seem to prefer.

This!

I'm horrified you're not going to say or do something Op. You need to let the poor woman know - she's not his 'English wife', she's his WIFE!!

Good luck to you as your DHs attitude doesn't bode well for the future of your own relationship.

HeartsAndClubs · 30/09/2021 12:39

If be more worried about your husband thinking this is fine, yet continuing to pretend to be lovely. I agree. But tbh I think we judge people by our own thinking. So in English culture bigamy is illegal and we naturally see anyone who wants to go down that road as immoral, which by our culture, they are.

But in other cultures it’s not uncommon for men to travel home for arranged marriages, and those cultures don’t frown on it.

Similarly in some cultures having two or more wives is perfectly acceptable but not here.

And when you grow up in a certain way it can be hard to change your mindset.

E.g. if I moved to a country where multiple marriage was the norm I would find it difficult to accept being someone’s 2nd, or 3rd, wife… And in the same way someone growing up here who is from a country where multiple marriages are the norm might not think of only wanting to marry one woman.

There are certainly many behaviours which should not be excused in the name of culture. But the key is breaking the association with those behaviours, rather than just telling someone that they’re wrong and you’re right. Iyswim.

Pantsomime · 30/09/2021 12:39

Go and tell this woman what you know, it’s the least you can do. If your DH is/was planning the same, you’d want to know- right?

Pantsomime · 30/09/2021 12:40

I’d add as your DH thinks it’s ok- you don’t know he’s not a) done the same already or b) isn’t planning on doing the same in the future

WeatherwaxLives · 30/09/2021 12:43

You have to tell her. Don't do it anonymously, that's cruel and she'd probably think it was malicious and not believe it.

She's already asked you if he has someone else in his home country. She's already turned to you for help. You have to sit down with her and tell her. If it was my family, and this caused a divorce, she would be my 'family' for ever more, and DHs cousin would be completely cut off.

Do the cousins parents know he's married here and are disregarding this, or do they think this is his first marriage?! Do DHs parents know their nephew is married? Thet must do - surely you or DH has mentioned cousin and Mrs cousin to them in conversation?! Surely they'll have told cousins parents?

deadleaves · 30/09/2021 12:45

Ok, if this post is genuine, the English wife has directly asked you the question of whether he has 'someone else' back home. You now have a clear cut obligation to tell her. If you don't, you are directly lying to and deceiving her.
Tell her.

JacquelineCarlyle · 30/09/2021 12:46

Surely @HeartsAndClubs , in your scenario, all parties know there are multiple wives (never husbands!!) & have agreed? I don't know of any culture that allows multiple wives that are kept secret from one another? Confused

This isn't a cultural issue but a cheating scumbag issue IMHO.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 12:46

Who are you afraid of OP?

WheresYourSnickers · 30/09/2021 12:47

doubt his family back home knows he is living with his wife here
Do they know he is married?

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/09/2021 12:48

So your husband is just fine with his relative having a bigamous marriage in his home country without his actual wife's knowledge? Sheesh.

Disrespectful to the English wife, disrespectful to the foreign wife. Will the foreign wife know she is not really married? Or is bigamy allowed in this other country? Even if it is, how would she feel about being his dirty little secret from his first/primary/actual wife? His brood mare? How would she feel about raising their children alone, since he'll be spending the majority of his time in England?

Also - your husband is just fine with this? "Show respect' my arse! Show respect to who? Certainly not to his relative's wife. It shows nothing but utter contempt for this woman. Maybe every woman. How does he justify this to himself? How will he look her in the eye? Or does his attitude chime with that of his family, in that a woman who does not want children is failing in her duty to bear children to the almighty husband? Sorry, but I'm spitting feathers here.

I'd be asking him straight out if he would marry bigamously too. I'd probably ask straight out if he already has! I'd definitely lose all respect for him. And as I have said on here many times before, I don't think love can survive where there is no respect. It might take a while for it to die completely, but die it would.

So no, I would not be going to this wedding. I WOULD be telling his wife. And I'd be reconsidering how my husband feels about me and how I feel about him.

BobLemon · 30/09/2021 12:48

In this country, a woman’s husband is about to commit bigotry. And somewhere in another country, a woman is being prepared by this family to be given to your DH’s cousin as a baby machine. Fuck all that shit. Fuck your DH and friends complicit in this by encouraging you to go. It’s not cultural differences, it’s misogyny. A big fat misogyny party.

lockdownalli · 30/09/2021 12:50

I would shop him for bigamy - having seen how it destroys lives.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/09/2021 12:51

Yeah, I couldn't go to that either.
I wouldn't be able to look the English wife in the face and continue to lie to her afterwards if I did go. In fact, I'd have trouble keeping it to myself at all - if you consider you have any level of friendship or kinship with her, I think you should tell her what's going on, give her a chance to get out of it.
She might decide not to - but she should be given the choice.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 30/09/2021 12:56

No one has mentioned money.

How does the cousin and wife manage their financial life?

Will he help himself to her money to finance his new, and presumably growning family in India?

number87inthequeue · 30/09/2021 12:58

OP- I think you really need to tell the wife. It will obviously be upsetting for her, but what will happen if you don't? Quite apart from the emotional impact, where does this leave her from a financial perspective? Presumably she has joint finances with him but he will need to take from this to fund a second family. Could she be at risk of losing her home and savings? What will happen when her Husband has children- surely he will need to spend more time overseas. He might even want to bring his new family to the UK- where will this leave his wife? Even if for some reason she chose to accept the situation, if she knows she can at least protect herself financially.

RampantIvy · 30/09/2021 12:58

Do the scumbag's family know that he is already married?
Does the wife to be know he is married?