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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheater's wedding- to go or not to go?

210 replies

VeryOldPoster · 30/09/2021 11:24

Old poster, but don't want to be found out.
I am married to a lovely man, he is from a foreign country. His family member lives here too, married to a lovely woman. She doesn't want children, whereas he does. Somehow, family back home think that it is perfectly fine for him to 'marry' somebody else back home. I said to my DH I don't want to go to this wedding as it is so against any common decency. He thinks 'it is just a party' and we should go 'to show respect'. Absolutely have no desire to go and thinks that 'respect' is not the word I want to use in this situation.
We know his wife here, go to see them all the time.
Funnily enough, few of my friends said I should go to a wedding as it will be lovely experience- they are organising really big, posh wedding, which I have never been to. This took me by surprise. AIBU to think I would rather chop the groom to a police for bigamy and tell his english wife, rather than go and 'enjoy' myself at this mock-of-a-wedding party?

OP posts:
dreamkitchenhelp · 30/09/2021 11:59

You need to tell her. You need to tell your husband that you will not be going and this behaviour is not acceptable to you.
There is no dilemma here.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 30/09/2021 11:59

Fuck, no.

I would tell her (the English wife). Bigamy is illegal. She deserves to know that her husband is about to knowingly commit a criminal act AND break his wedding vows to her. It may also have additional implications for his immigration status and that of his potential new wife.

frazzledasarock · 30/09/2021 12:00

Does he have a visa to live in this country?

I've seen so many 'weddings' where the groom does this once he has a right to stay then brings his wife who the family approve of over.

It's not respectable and you should tell her.

Harpydragon · 30/09/2021 12:01

Are multi partnered marriages allowed in his own country? He might not necessarily be committing bigamy there. Is he intending bringing his new wife over here, does his new wife know about the existing wife?

Regardless of all the above, both women need to know about each other.

TeresaLambert · 30/09/2021 12:01

Only if you wish to, I would not do it!

HotPenguin · 30/09/2021 12:03

I can't believe I am reading this, of course you shouldn't go! And you should definitely tell the wife. This isn't like having an affair, where sone people would say none of your business. The whole family know it's happening and are actively encouraging it through this wedding, you can't stand by and be part of it. Can you just pop the invite through her door if it's hard to tell her?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 30/09/2021 12:05

You are involved.
If your lovely husband thinks this is ok then you need to look up the meaning of the word lovely.

Show respect? What about the respect this woman is owed?

I'd be looking very closely at my own husband's marital status if I were you.

Foxtailstump · 30/09/2021 12:05

This is insane. You have to tell her and you definitely shouldn’t go to the faux wedding. I’d be furious if your DH went.

Is the new wife to have children with?

Throckmorton · 30/09/2021 12:08

Please tell her - she deserves not to have her friends (ie you) complicit in this

BoredZelda · 30/09/2021 12:11

Your real problem is that your husband doesn’t see anything wrong with it.

SunshineCake1 · 30/09/2021 12:13

You can not go. Seriously. How?

StarCourt · 30/09/2021 12:14

Depending on where the groom to be is from and his religious beliefs if he has any, it may not be abnormal to have more than one wife.
However both women should know about the other before the second marriage takes place.

LadyT27 · 30/09/2021 12:15

I can't believe your question is if you should go or not. The fact that you are not going to tell his poor wife who is unaware is appalling. You're no different to his family by the sounds of it. The wife would be better off without all you.

Sally872 · 30/09/2021 12:16

If she is your friend you have to tell her unless you find out she does know.

Original poster
VeryOldPoster · 30/09/2021 12:17

The groom came to the UK as a child, he has British passport, so no visa troubles for him- I really thought his English marriage was for love, they have been together about 7 years now. No, he can not be married to several people in his country (ok, it's India). I doubt his family back home knows he is living with his wife here. He is my DH's cousin, I can't even talk to grooms parents as I don't know them that well. Both women should know, but I don't know the new bride and don't know how to even start the conversation with his wife. I might send her an anonymous letter, as I can't face the fall out. If after the letter she comes to me, I will tell her everything. I am not afraid if Dh's family, I just don't want to be bearer of the bad news.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 30/09/2021 12:19

I'd shout it from the rooftops.

What a delightful way to treat women your DH's culture has.

I think your BIL needs to divorce his English wife, and go home to live in the culture he would seem to prefer.

jeffersonsam · 30/09/2021 12:20

Better to avoid and keep your respect.

Unsure33 · 30/09/2021 12:21

So how often will he see this” second” wife?

Gonnagetgoing · 30/09/2021 12:21

@Harpydragon

Are multi partnered marriages allowed in his own country? He might not necessarily be committing bigamy there. Is he intending bringing his new wife over here, does his new wife know about the existing wife?

Regardless of all the above, both women need to know about each other.

Multi partnered marriages might be allowed in his own country but they are illegal in this country and he’s misleading and betraying and being a bigamist to his own wife here eg breaking the law by marrying someone else abroad.

Yes OP I’d definitely tell her and look into your own position too in case you’re in a similar situation.

SandyY2K · 30/09/2021 12:22

He should have just told her he wants kids and not married her or get divorced.

This is really crazy that the family expect you to go and that your friends think it's okay. What kind of people are they? World they like to be in the wife's position?

HermioneKipper · 30/09/2021 12:22

This is awful. These poor women being deceived by him. I think you need to tell her, I’d be so upset if people knew and didn’t say, if it was me.

MrsBobDylan · 30/09/2021 12:23

Crikey. Bigamy is an offence. It is not less of an offence because his wife really loves him, sort of suspects he may be a cheat and doesn't want children.

Are you for real? Are you sure your friends said you should go to the wedding because it is a big posh one and you haven't been to one of those before?

HeartsAndClubs · 30/09/2021 12:24

I would tell his wife. I’m guessing she’s English? Not only is she being kept in the dark here, but her husband’s side of the family are complicit and actively encouraging the deceit. When she finds out she’ll feel like a laughing stock, which she essentially is.

I would be telling my husband that you won’t be going, and if he went I’d tell him to not bother coming back.

Gonnagetgoing · 30/09/2021 12:26

@VeryOldPoster

The groom came to the UK as a child, he has British passport, so no visa troubles for him- I really thought his English marriage was for love, they have been together about 7 years now. No, he can not be married to several people in his country (ok, it's India). I doubt his family back home knows he is living with his wife here. He is my DH's cousin, I can't even talk to grooms parents as I don't know them that well. Both women should know, but I don't know the new bride and don't know how to even start the conversation with his wife. I might send her an anonymous letter, as I can't face the fall out. If after the letter she comes to me, I will tell her everything. I am not afraid if Dh's family, I just don't want to be bearer of the bad news.
Anonymous letter probably best route to go then.

I didn’t think multiple marriages were allowed from what you’ve posted so far.

The current wife if they’ve been married in this country for 7 years will be entitled to a split of his assets (including property) I think despite no children and she can claim divorce on grounds of cheating. I certainly would divorce him in this case.

He probably wants to bring his new Indian wife and her extended family over to live here which usually would be fine and legal but not in this case as a bigamist.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 12:26

don't know how to even start the conversation with his wife. I might send her an anonymous letter, as I can't face the fall out

Get over yourself. This is not about YOUR discomfort. Have some empathy.