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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to use 3rd bedroom for DC?

219 replies

lou4901 · 27/09/2021 13:20

Partner and I don't live together currently, but we're looking at renting a house jointly soon in the town where he lives (4 hours from me). I say jointly, but I'll only be there about 1 week in 4, he'll live there the rest of the time. I'm going to pay towards it.

My children are over 18 but still live at home. They've never been to his town but are keen to visit. He currently lives in a small place where there is no room for them to stay.

My intention - which my DC are keen on - is that when we rent a place with 3 bedrooms, 1 will be mine and DP's room, one an office (both DP and I wfh) and the 3rd room could be for DC when they stay. I was thinking of getting 2 single beds (I think asking them to share a double bed is a bit much!) - one has a bf, so I thought on any visit if he came they would share a room and other DC would sleep on sofabed in living room.

Except when I spoke to DP he was a bit off about it all and said why would we be having a room empty 90% of the time, he thought it would be better for DC to just stay in a hotel if and when they visit, and that as most houses we've looked at the 2 smaller bedrooms are at most 8 x 10 and some as little as 8 x 6, so it would be a struggle to get 2 beds in, let alone have the room for any other purpose.

I don't want to fall out about it before we've moved in but also I don't want them in a hotel...aibu?

OP posts:
MurielSpriggs · 27/09/2021 13:23

What's his plan for the third bedroom? Some sort of guest bedroom might be a good idea. Or would be rather have his own WFH room rather than sharing one with you.

HollowTalk · 27/09/2021 13:23

I don't understand this. Why will you only be there 1/4 of the time? Why would you even consider a place where your children couldn't stay? The fact he doesn't understand that rings massive alarm bells.

Macncheeseballs · 27/09/2021 13:24

I would like to have spare room my family for the rest of their lives, yanbu

Macncheeseballs · 27/09/2021 13:24

For my family

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/09/2021 13:26

I wouldn't be moving to a house which has no place for my young adult DC to stay, and I wouldn't be moving in with someone who thinks they should stay in a hotel when they visit.

INeed2P · 27/09/2021 13:26

Hmm is there a large price difference between 2 bed and 3 bed places? (Obviously things like heating etc will differ).

If he's there full time and you're only going 1 week a month, it seems a bit odd to have a room set up for your two adult children, especially if one is expecting to bring a partner and have someone sleeping in the living room for a week a month. Assuming you're keeping your house in your current city for the majority of the time, to me it makes sense for them not to have a bedroom and use hotels.

MurielSpriggs · 27/09/2021 13:26

If I were him I might well be a bit nervous that I was about to move into some sort of adult houseshare with a load of step children I didn't know and picking up half the bills for the privilege.

Original poster
lou4901 · 27/09/2021 13:27

I'll only be there 1 week in 4 because the rest of the time I'll be in my own house with my DC, 4 hours away. I don't want to move away permanently yet whilst they are still living at home.

I think his idea was we could have it either as a 2nd office, or home gym, or whatever.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 27/09/2021 13:28

I wouldn't be paying for something I'm not often there to use
And if your child's unwelcome he can get to feck op

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 27/09/2021 13:28

No way would I move in with a bloke who was clearly clearly indicating he didn't want my children to have a place in the home.

HollowTalk · 27/09/2021 13:29

But why are you paying to live with him? He's worried about your children staying there - isn't he prepared to have you stay there for a week per month for nothing? Why are you contributing? Does he ever visit you?

TheGrumpyGoat · 27/09/2021 13:29

If you’re only there 1 week in 4 will they visit much anyway? You’ll be at your home with them for the other 3 weeks in 4.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 27/09/2021 13:29

So basically you're going to subsidise him? Maintain your own home and chip in towards his?

Original poster
lou4901 · 27/09/2021 13:30

He lives in a 2 bed flat currently. I'll be paying the additional rental cost, plus a bit extra to cover council tax and bills which will be higher.

My DC won't come every time I visit, maybe one weekend every couple of months? (and any boyfriends less often than that). DC have their own cars so aren't relying on me to drive them.

OP posts:
TheGrumpyGoat · 27/09/2021 13:30

Seems like an odd set up… what % will you be paying towards the rent if you’re rarely there?

titchy · 27/09/2021 13:31

Well don't rent a house jointly! You'd be mad to pay rent on somewhere you don't live. What's wrong with the status quo? If you're only going to live there one week in four, you could do that in his existing place surely?

If your kids want to visit his town they could as suggested get a travel lodge....

Ashitaka · 27/09/2021 13:31

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

So basically you're going to subsidise him? Maintain your own home and chip in towards his?
er this?
Original poster
lou4901 · 27/09/2021 13:31

He does come here, normally for 2 long weekends a month (which I guess works out to about a week a month too).

OP posts:
HedgehogintheFog · 27/09/2021 13:32

If you are only there 1/4 of the time, then your DC will presumably be there less than that. I think it's sensible to have a spare room though. We have a spare room which currently doubles as my office. When people stay, I move my office temporarily to the dining table.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 27/09/2021 13:32

If I were him I might well be a bit nervous that I was about to move into some sort of adult houseshare with a load of step children I didn't know and picking up half the bills for the privilege

Exactly!

Best he finds a place he loves and in the one week out of four you stay there Op you contribute minimal costs and forgo your DCs and their partners having free accommodation!

TheGrumpyGoat · 27/09/2021 13:32

What’s the point in him moving? Can’t you stay in his current 2 bed flat when you visit?

Brian9600 · 27/09/2021 13:33

How are you splitting the rent? Sounds to me as if you're not actually moving in together at all- you'll be mainly living in your own house and he'll mostly be living in the rented place without you.

ChargingBuck · 27/09/2021 13:33

Don't do it OP.

Why are you the one moving 4 hours from your current home?

Except when I spoke to DP he was a bit off about it all and said why would we be having a room empty 90% of the time, he thought it would be better for DC to just stay in a hotel

& how TF has he convinced you that you are "renting together" & "sharing" a home that

  1. you will pay toward, but only live in 1 weeks out of 4, &
  2. you need to ask 'permission' to house your DC in
  3. is so clearly not your turf, that your DP feels entitled to order your DC to sleep in a hotel instead?

How could you not fall out over this?
he just wants your money, & occasional company OP.
Do NOT move away from your home & children for this man. Even one week a month. He wants it all his own way.

allsorts1 · 27/09/2021 13:33

I don't understand why you're even paying to go and visit your boyfriend for 1/4 of the time. If your visits were spread out it instead of all in one go it would be like staying once or twice a week and paying him to do so.

Barton10 · 27/09/2021 13:35

It seems very strange to me, you are living with your adult children for three weeks of the month and then expecting them to come and stay when you go for the week to see your boyfriend. Surely you and he want to be alone when you are together.

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