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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to use 3rd bedroom for DC?

219 replies

lou4901 · 27/09/2021 13:20

Partner and I don't live together currently, but we're looking at renting a house jointly soon in the town where he lives (4 hours from me). I say jointly, but I'll only be there about 1 week in 4, he'll live there the rest of the time. I'm going to pay towards it.

My children are over 18 but still live at home. They've never been to his town but are keen to visit. He currently lives in a small place where there is no room for them to stay.

My intention - which my DC are keen on - is that when we rent a place with 3 bedrooms, 1 will be mine and DP's room, one an office (both DP and I wfh) and the 3rd room could be for DC when they stay. I was thinking of getting 2 single beds (I think asking them to share a double bed is a bit much!) - one has a bf, so I thought on any visit if he came they would share a room and other DC would sleep on sofabed in living room.

Except when I spoke to DP he was a bit off about it all and said why would we be having a room empty 90% of the time, he thought it would be better for DC to just stay in a hotel if and when they visit, and that as most houses we've looked at the 2 smaller bedrooms are at most 8 x 10 and some as little as 8 x 6, so it would be a struggle to get 2 beds in, let alone have the room for any other purpose.

I don't want to fall out about it before we've moved in but also I don't want them in a hotel...aibu?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 27/09/2021 14:54

@Covidiom

Nope. He doesn’t want your children to stay with you. That would be a no from me- especially because he thinks they should stay in a hotel. No matter how old my children are they will always always be welcome to stay with me for as long as they like. It would be different if he was suggesting that the room has a primary use with a day bed in there for when they stay but he isn’t - he’s suggesting they don’t stay at all.
We don't know how serious he was about this suggestion, it may have been a throwaway comment he hadn't thought through, it seems his primary point was about them not being there the vast majority of the time or likely to visit often, which is a valid one.
Ludic · 27/09/2021 14:55

@Covidiom

Nope. He doesn’t want your children to stay with you. That would be a no from me- especially because he thinks they should stay in a hotel. No matter how old my children are they will always always be welcome to stay with me for as long as they like. It would be different if he was suggesting that the room has a primary use with a day bed in there for when they stay but he isn’t - he’s suggesting they don’t stay at all.
But the house is essentially his in that he's the only tenant and their Mum is only staying there for 1 week a month. Why would he take on the risk of a big house so that every now and then his partners kids could stay when she doesn't even live there herself and can just walk away from the financial burden at any point?!

If they really want to stay every now and then, get a sofa that turns into a bed.

When you move in with him properly i.e. you both buy together or you're also on the tenancy and live there full time, that's the point to get an extra bedroom.

If they split he could end up with a huge house he doesn't need and OP can walk off into the sunset with no financial responsibility just so her kids could stay once in a blue moon?

Ludic · 27/09/2021 14:57

If you want to give your children the opportunity to stay in a nice area then you should go on the tenancy with him. Basically what you're doing is just giving him money toward his house, with no commitment if things were to go wrong but also expecting him to take on responsibility for something bigger than he needs so your kids can stay.

C8H10N4O2 · 27/09/2021 14:59

If they are only likely to be there for a weekend every couple of months then sofa beds should be ok.

However if you both work from home and he is renting doesn't it make more sense for him to move in with you and you both save that rent toward your next place together.

I would not be happy if a partner was not happy to welcome my DC in the home. What is he proposing to use the third room for if not a guest room?

Squirrelblanket · 27/09/2021 14:59

Putting aside the weirdness of the 1/4 week sharing/not sharing arrangement, I can see his point about the spare room. It would be different if you were making a permanent move, but if you are only going to be there 1/4 of the time anyway it seems daft to have a spare room for guests who may or may not be there even less than that. Obviously this would be different if your children were minors, but they are not. 🤷🏻‍♀️

makkapakka212 · 27/09/2021 14:59

What about one of those 'murphy' beds that fold down from the wall?

Original poster
lou4901 · 27/09/2021 15:01

He doesn't want me to go onto the tenancy with him.

He's happy that we agree simply a split of rent/ bills, which we have.

It won't be a huge house, just one more bedroom than currently and probably a house rather than a flat (but only because 3 bed flats are quite rare not because it has to be a house).

OP posts:
Chikapu · 27/09/2021 15:02

That all sounds like madness.

Original poster
lou4901 · 27/09/2021 15:03

@C8H10N4O2

If they are only likely to be there for a weekend every couple of months then sofa beds should be ok. However if you both work from home and he is renting doesn't it make more sense for him to move in with you and you both save that rent toward your next place together.

I would not be happy if a partner was not happy to welcome my DC in the home. What is he proposing to use the third room for if not a guest room?

He hates this area and could not live here with me, plus he has family/caring responsibilities in the area he lives in which he couldn't manage living down here.
OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 27/09/2021 15:05

And generally more spacious op- the 2nd bed won’t be 6x6 square like his current one which sounds more like a storage cupboard, and you will have room for some clothes and personal things in the bedroom presumably since you say you can’t even unpack a bag currently. Don’t minimise the upgrade here.

19lottie82 · 27/09/2021 15:05

I’m also in the agreement as to why would your children want to regularly come visit somewhere that you are only staying 1 week a month, when they live with you the rest of the time anyway? Especially the one that had a partner? AND the fact that it’s 4 hours away. They might say they will come visit but will they? And regularly? I doubt it.

However if you’re paying for it (I think this is crazy but I guess that’s not what you’re asking), then obviously you should have a say?

What does your partner want to do with the third room? Surely the obvious solution, unless he has another specific plan, is for it to be a general spare / guest room anyway?

Ludic · 27/09/2021 15:06

But all your posts are things like

"There's no risk to me"

"I wouldn't be tied to a contract"

Etc etc...

With what seems to be no consideration to the fact your partner would be and it's not even him who needs the third room.

You say you can afford to pay toward the fact it's a bigger property but you could change your mind about that at any time and it would be him left footing the bill for it.

I really don't see why adult DC staying once every couple of months couldn't just bunk out on some sofa beds or even the sofa tbh.

But anyway, regardless, you are expecting him to take all the risk for something you want. He's not unreasonable to not want to. If you're so bothered about having a bigger property so your kids can stay then you need to insist on sharing the risk with him and going on the tenancy imo. Or just make do with something he is comfortable with until you can move in together properly.

It wouldn't even be yours, you're just paying toward his house.

Ludic · 27/09/2021 15:07

However if you’re paying for it (I think this is crazy but I guess that’s not what you’re asking), then obviously you should have a say?

I don't agree, she isn't taking any risk here. Her partner is by being the only tenant so no I don't think OP should get much of a say. If she were a joint tenant then yes.

Original poster
lou4901 · 27/09/2021 15:08

Those of you who think this is all mad or crazy, I wonder what else you would do?

I have a house here that I can't sell from under my DC. My partner can't come here and live in it as he has commitments elsewhere.
There is no room for me to stay in his tiny flat, no space for a chest of drawers for me to put my clothes in, or a desk for me to work. I live in a big house and find his flat just too small for 2 people. There certainly isn't room for my DC to ever come there which is why they haven't been.
DP is happy to move to a larger place if I cover the extra costs, which I am. This enables us to spend more time together, my children to visit and I'll also have space for clothes and personal items.
If I rented office space up there, it would cost the same as I'm going to pay, I still wouldn't have any space for my things and I'd have to pay for a hotel for my DC when they visited.

I don't know when I will move permanently, it could be as little as 3 years, it could be more. I don't want to keep waiting, in limbo.

OP posts:
BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 27/09/2021 15:09

You’d be mad to go through with this plan.

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 27/09/2021 15:11

He lives in a 2 bed flat? How is that too small for two people?

Ludic · 27/09/2021 15:14

Would your DP be happy to stay in his flat if it weren't for you wanting him to move somewhere bigger?

Dontbeme · 27/09/2021 15:21

@lou4901

He does come here, normally for 2 long weekends a month (which I guess works out to about a week a month too).
So he pays rent for one week in four at yours and shares the bills too, yes?
Paddington2 · 27/09/2021 15:22

yanbu. If you're making up the shortfall on the rent he's currently paying, so he isn't out of pocket upsizing, I think you do get to carve out the extra space so that it works for your needs.

I do understand the long-distance thing, as I'm in that situation too, and am already tiring of the long drive once a month, but I am able to leave half of my clothes and toiletries at his, and it feels very homely for me. If I felt like I was constantly packing and unpacking, and living out of a suitcase, it would jar. So I totally get you there.

Original poster
lou4901 · 27/09/2021 15:23

@BalladOfBarryAndFreda

He lives in a 2 bed flat? How is that too small for two people?
It's a very small flat, there isn't space for 2 people to WFH. The kitchen/ lounge is one room, the main bedroom is big enough for bed and wardrobe, he works from the 2nd room. As I deal with confidential information I'm required by my employers to work in a separate room, with a closed door etc.
OP posts:
lockdownalli · 27/09/2021 15:27

I just can't see the point to any of this.

If you will only be there one week out of four, it's impossible to understand why a 2 bed flat isn't big enough for a couple.

And once you move, your DC can't stay? Fuck that shit.

Sorry OP but it really sounds like you are being taken for a proper mug here.

2bazookas · 27/09/2021 15:41

If you contribute to the rent then it's a shared home and of course you will want your children to stay sometimes.

His attitude would be a red flag to me. I suggest you try living together before entering any financial commitment.

neveradullmoment99 · 27/09/2021 15:42

@lockdownalli

I just can't see the point to any of this.

If you will only be there one week out of four, it's impossible to understand why a 2 bed flat isn't big enough for a couple.

And once you move, your DC can't stay? Fuck that shit.

Sorry OP but it really sounds like you are being taken for a proper mug here.

Could you not fit a desk into the bedroom? Then you could wfh in the other room. I would just keep things the way they are! Or for him to get a slightly bigger flat. Not a house.
neveradullmoment99 · 27/09/2021 15:43

Also agree with the previous poster. He clearly does not view you as a package with your children included. I would be most insulted with the idea they could stay in a hotel!

LittleMysSister · 27/09/2021 15:44

I think you're being a bit unreasonable to expect the room to be given over completely to your adult children, when you yourself will only be there one week a month.

Maybe you would have done better to suggest the 3rd bedroom be a guest room in general, rather than link it to your kids.

I also think it's a bit unreasonable to expect to rent a bigger place purely for this reason, particularly when he is paying most of the cost (obviously, being the one that lives there all the time).