To want to use 3rd bedroom for DC?

[lou4901]

Partner and I don't live together currently, but we're looking at renting a house jointly soon in the town where he lives (4 hours from me). I say jointly, but I'll only be there about 1 week in 4, he'll live there the rest of the time. I'm going to pay towards it.

My children are over 18 but still live at home. They've never been to his town but are keen to visit. He currently lives in a small place where there is no room for them to stay.

My intention - which my DC are keen on - is that when we rent a place with 3 bedrooms, 1 will be mine and DP's room, one an office (both DP and I wfh) and the 3rd room could be for DC when they stay. I was thinking of getting 2 single beds (I think asking them to share a double bed is a bit much!) - one has a bf, so I thought on any visit if he came they would share a room and other DC would sleep on sofabed in living room.

Except when I spoke to DP he was a bit off about it all and said why would we be having a room empty 90% of the time, he thought it would be better for DC to just stay in a hotel if and when they visit, and that as most houses we've looked at the 2 smaller bedrooms are at most 8 x 10 and some as little as 8 x 6, so it would be a struggle to get 2 beds in, let alone have the room for any other purpose.

I don't want to fall out about it before we've moved in but also I don't want them in a hotel...aibu?

@lou4901 We've not moved in together because I did not want to permanently move my children from the home they've grown up in, and he is unable to live in this area. Not really sure how else we could have resolved this?!

Your DC are adults now. You could sell your house and you and DP could get a mortgage together. Live in an area that suits both of you. 1 room can be the office and the other is a guest bedroom (doubles up as your DC’s bedroom when they stay over). If you’re not ready to move in together then you’re not in a serious relationship.

Tbh this makes no sense whatsoever to me. Why not carry on as you are, why the urgency to live together.

OP sounds eminently sensible and lovely to boot. Good idea to ease the kids to feeling part of new area. Agree bed situation can be resolved via sofa bed solution suggested, hope it all swimmingly OP, sure it will and good luck to you in the next phase of your life.

Wouldn't it make more sense for your dc to rent your house from you and for you to move permanently in with your DP, with space for guests so they can come for Christmas etc. Until they're able to buy/rent their own homes and then you can sell and buy a home with DP? I understood you not wanting to keep buying and selling but could your DC not live in a two bedroom flat to free up some capital?

I've been with my DFiance for 2.5 years and we're desperate to move in together and are making plans, but we both have school age children, if they were all adults we'd have moved in together by now.

So you will pay for your own property and contribute towards bf having a bigger property....mind boggling..

Would him moving to a house instead of a flat be an option, that wouldn’t cost you anything?

You could then have a campervan in the driveway which dc could stay in if they visit and which you could wfh in using his electricity and broadband.

Or is that more barking mad than fun adventure and extra space.

Well if your kids are going to live with you until they can afford to buy a place that will be another 20 years.

This need to keep the family home is a bit OTT give their ages. They’re adults, the ones at uni need somewhere to come ‘home’ to in the holidays but any who have finished uni and are working a just share a place like everyone else in their 20s.

If you rent out your London house, rent somewhere with this guy big enough for your kids to stay in uni holidays, and to visit from London, see how you both cope cohabiting FT. If it doesn’t work you still have your London place.

How old are you kids?

I'm not going to sell the house from under my DC (20 and 21 for those that asked). I also can't move permanently away from them. Firstly I think they still need me. They don't have any other family so it's not like I could think oh granny or auntie is just down the road. It's just them and me. Neither is currently in ft work so financially they couldn't support themselves although they certainly should be able to in a couple more years. And also I've never lived with DP. I've not lived with anyone but my DC for over 15 years and I'm not rushing to put my eggs in one basket. DP has also lived alone for almost 10 years and understands my caution. He's also not in a position yet to buy anywhere with me, but again in 3 years or so will be. For now this seems like the best solution all round, subject to us agreeing how to use bed 3. But I'm happy for it to be guest bedroom/ my office and I would hope I can persuade DP to agree that too.

Well, you’ve decided it’s non negotiable. Fair enough, lots of people want their children to visit at holidays and Christmas. Now you just have to tell him this- he might not need the room but he certainly seems looking forward to having it as his home gym etc.
Because he doesn't need a bigger house, so I'm paying a sum roughly equal to the extra costs

But, if you need a separate room from dp to work in, wasnt the original plan you shared that the 3rd room be a guest bed and you share the 2nd as home office? How was that going to work?
My concern is if dc come to stay and it’s your office they sleep in, dp works as normal and you get told tough it’s your children.

@lou4901

I'll only be there 1 week in 4 because the rest of the time I'll be in my own house with my DC, 4 hours away. I don't want to move away permanently yet whilst they are still living at home.

I think his idea was we could have it either as a 2nd office, or home gym, or whatever.

If they're young enough to need you living with them, they need you living with them.

You don't pay rent on a home you don't live in. You visit it.

This whole thing is bonkers, has he got some baffling sway over you? You live with your children, if you move house then your children have a room in the new house and if you pay rent, you live in the rented house. Paying your 'boyfriend's' rent who says your kids, whom you still need to live with full time, aren't family-enough to stay - sounds like a very dismal, weird setup.

@lou4901

I'm not going to sell the house from under my DC (20 and 21 for those that asked). I also can't move permanently away from them. Firstly I think they still need me. They don't have any other family so it's not like I could think oh granny or auntie is just down the road. It's just them and me. Neither is currently in ft work so financially they couldn't support themselves although they certainly should be able to in a couple more years. And also I've never lived with DP. I've not lived with anyone but my DC for over 15 years and I'm not rushing to put my eggs in one basket. DP has also lived alone for almost 10 years and understands my caution. He's also not in a position yet to buy anywhere with me, but again in 3 years or so will be. For now this seems like the best solution all round, subject to us agreeing how to use bed 3. But I'm happy for it to be guest bedroom/ my office and I would hope I can persuade DP to agree that too.

I think your infantalising your DC somewhat, they are 20 and 21! As a PP said, leave them in your family home and charge them nominal rent. You move in with your DP full time. Actually find out if you can live together. 1 week in 4 is not a halfway house to living together, it's visiting and he can be on his best behaviour for that time.

If you and DP don't work out you've still got your family home to move back to and at that point see where DC are with regards to employment.

Though I can't believe that you expect they would want to move to the same area as you so they need taster sessions by visiting you and DP. What are their goals in life? Where are the jobs likely to be when they finish uni?

I'm not infantilising them. As their mother my judgment is they still need me around. DP doesn't want me to move in FT with him yet as much as I don't want that either. It will be a big change for both of us. My children are and always have been the most important thing in my life, as I've said they only have me so I've always had to be there, there's never been anyone else to support them.

To a pp who asked if they would visit, yes absolutely. They are very keen, and ask about houses we're looking at. We're a close family, we still go on holidays etc together and days out, so I know they'll come and visit if there's a room for them to stay in.

Neither is at uni, one is doing some work related study so works pt and attends college.

Bet you a million quid you move and your DC never visit.

You want them to but why would they?! At 20/21 seeing you 3 weeks out of 4 why on earth would they travel to visit you in a rural area 4 hours from london jobs ?

Why are you even looking st somewhere together when you will not be loving their?
Just go stay at his for 1week a month makes more sense an then no rent to pay.
Rent together when you are actually ready and able too.

Sorry, I assumed they were at uni. But my question still stands, what are their goals and ambitions/where are the jobs?

If neither you nor DP want to live together full time then why bother trying to get him into a bigger house at the moment? By all means a slightly larger place that could accommodate both of you WFH and a sofa bed but honestly, I wouldn't be factoring in two 20-something adult DCs unless they were incapable due to disability of ever living on their own. I would be maybe reflecting on why you feel they are still so reliant on you all living together. Most DC are eithee moving out or at least living independent lives from their parents in their early 20s.

I can't stay at his for a week as there's nowhere I can work. So at present I can only visit on weekends or days off. He can't work other than on a limited way from my house either, although I have more room all the kit he needs is at his and can't easily be moved between houses. So really this does seem the best solution all round.

I like your thinking @lou4901. Can't understand some of the comments you're getting. Seems practical and considerate of everywhere.

Have I got this right you want and you're going to be covering any additional costs associated with the third guest bedroom?

As you can afford and it'll not not negatively impact on him then as my mum would have said "whoever pays the piper calls the tune"

And I hope my kids will still want to come and stay with me until I pop my clogs.

Everyone - first paragraph , first message.

They don't have career ambitions really as yet, one is working/.studying in IT, the other doing admin (they're local/ WFH roles) but still figuring out what they want to do.

It might be the norm in other parts of the country but where we are, none of my DCs friends have left home yet, even the ones who went to uni moved back once they finished. Some of the friends older siblings are now leaving home, but they're all late 20s or older, mainly because it's just too expensive to leave home sooner.

Did you never all holiday together near his place in the past 8 years?

What makes you think your kids will suddenly want to go and spend time there now when they never went before? There's a lot of untested theories.
I would firstly test it out by you staying in a local B&B for a week to work, but sleep at his current smaller place. Just to see how those longer stretches actually are before you commit to paying every month...

No, pre Covid we'd usually go with DC on foreign holidays, last 2 years we've been to the South West for decent weather. He's also not lived there the entire time we've been together.

I wouldn't be able to work from a B&B as I have to have a private internet connection for work, so I couldn't just log on to their WiFi. Plus going up and staying on a B&B on my own rather than at DPs house would feel very odd.

@Surpriseat42

Could you consider furniture that doesn’t look bedroom-y? If he wants an office is it big enough to manage a folding desk and a sofa bed and you could bring an extra camp bed with you on visits if he can’t store one?

seems an odd set up - if you're with your young adult children three weeks out of four, & subsidise his rent - but if that's what you want, I'd go for this solution, two decent size bedrooms, one is an office with a sofabed.