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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to use 3rd bedroom for DC?

219 replies

lou4901 · 27/09/2021 13:20

Partner and I don't live together currently, but we're looking at renting a house jointly soon in the town where he lives (4 hours from me). I say jointly, but I'll only be there about 1 week in 4, he'll live there the rest of the time. I'm going to pay towards it.

My children are over 18 but still live at home. They've never been to his town but are keen to visit. He currently lives in a small place where there is no room for them to stay.

My intention - which my DC are keen on - is that when we rent a place with 3 bedrooms, 1 will be mine and DP's room, one an office (both DP and I wfh) and the 3rd room could be for DC when they stay. I was thinking of getting 2 single beds (I think asking them to share a double bed is a bit much!) - one has a bf, so I thought on any visit if he came they would share a room and other DC would sleep on sofabed in living room.

Except when I spoke to DP he was a bit off about it all and said why would we be having a room empty 90% of the time, he thought it would be better for DC to just stay in a hotel if and when they visit, and that as most houses we've looked at the 2 smaller bedrooms are at most 8 x 10 and some as little as 8 x 6, so it would be a struggle to get 2 beds in, let alone have the room for any other purpose.

I don't want to fall out about it before we've moved in but also I don't want them in a hotel...aibu?

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 27/09/2021 15:45

If you want to move in with him, then just move in. Leave your children in your own house. They pay you rent. You go and stay permanently with your partner. It doesn't overcome his attitude toward your children which I think you need to resolve. You have no idea how they might need you over the coming years!

greedygut · 27/09/2021 15:46

How old are your DC ? Would it not be better to sell up and buy another house in your partners town and help your DC with the rent on a flat to get them more independent?

Chickychickydodah · 27/09/2021 15:47

I wouldn’t pay if you can’t let your kids use it …

toobusytothink · 27/09/2021 15:49

Ok so I get that you want to be more comfortable when you’re there but as a suggestion why don’t you spend the money you would spend on the bigger house and instead rent an office space for when you go there for you to work from . Think it’s quite common now and will give you the privacy you need for your job. I get the “space for clothes” thing too. Must be a bit annoying and I can imagine living out of a suitcase isn’t ideal, but just wondering if it’s worth it.

Having said that, going back to your original question, I can appreciate where he is coming from. Think 3 bedrooms sounds good so you can both have somewhere to work from and the 3rd room can double up as guest room.

ChargingBuck · 27/09/2021 15:50

@lou4901

I'm contributing to make up the extra costs of the larger place.

I may well end up being up there for 1-2 weeks per month. I can't do that now.

Honestly I have no issue with paying, it's not a massive sum we're talking about (less than £500 a month) and I'm lucky to be able to afford it, and want to put that money to good use. There's no risk for me, I won't be a tenant so if at any time I changed my mind I wouldn''t be tied to a contract.

Well it's all relative ... but paying £6k a year for the privilege of subsidising a b/f would not be an attractive proposition for most.

Especially a b/f who is happy to take the cash, but won't countenance putting his g/f's DC up for the odd couple of nights every few months.

Original poster
lou4901 · 27/09/2021 15:53

Could you not fit a desk into the bedroom?

No, there simply isn't room. There's just enough room to walk round the bed.

I also think it's a bit unreasonable to expect to rent a bigger place purely for this reason, particularly when he is paying most of the cost

The additional costs are about £500 per month, which I will be paying. He will not be worse off.

If you want to move in with him, then just move in. Leave your children in your own house

I am not ready to permanently leave my DC, nor are they ready for me to do so. They also don't want to leave their home yet which is why I can't just sell up and move.

OP posts:
Original poster
lou4901 · 27/09/2021 15:56

@toobusytothink renting an office space would end up being about £400 a month or more, so I'd be no better off really.

@ChargingBuck my DC staying is non negotiable. If we don't at least agree to have a sofa bed/ single with trundle in the additional bedroom, then I won't be agreeing to anything.

OP posts:
LittleMysSister · 27/09/2021 15:58

Tbh for the sake of one week a month, I'd just let him rent his own place and you just go and stay with him. You're still getting the same experience of living together but then without the pressure of having to agree a property at this stage.

aloris · 27/09/2021 16:01

You have young adult children, I would not get yourself into a situation where they have to stay in a hotel when they visit you. It might work temporarily while you and your partner are trying out the location and you are not living there fulltime, but him wanting them to stay in a hotel when they visit would be a bit of a red flag to me. Is it an inconvenience to maintain a guest space where you can have an adult child sleep over? Yes. But it's a normal thing for parents whose kids are grown up. It's not a wierd expectation. Wanting your children to stay in a hotel, to me sounds like a situation where now that they are grown up, you are expected to no longer provide them any support or share your resources with them, presumably so those can be made available for him instead. At least, that is how I would interpret it. You know him best though.

I think a reasonable approach would be to have a single bed in one of the bedrooms, so that you could keep that room available for other purposes but still have a kid to stay. A fold-out couch in the living room for the other kid. Your children will not be able to stay for weeks at a time, but they should both be able to stay overnight for a night or two. You can also do blow-up mattresses, if that works better for you. They can take turns on different visits with which kid gets the more private space.

Standrewsschool · 27/09/2021 16:04

Can the third bedroom be a office/spare bedroom.

Have a couple of futons in there for the dc to sleep on when they visit. The rest of the time you can use it as an office.

fishonabicycle · 27/09/2021 16:07

Stay as you are til your kids move out. Then if you still want to be together rent a place together in your preferred location. This can have a spare room for visitors. Doing it now is just silly.

StoatMilk · 27/09/2021 16:08

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I wouldn't be moving to a house which has no place for my young adult DC to stay, and I wouldn't be moving in with someone who thinks they should stay in a hotel when they visit.
This

The old adage - when he shows you who he is, believe him.

toobusytothink · 27/09/2021 16:14

Ok then I agree 3 beds better option - if you’re paying the extra for it so you speak then can’t understand why he would have an issue 🤷‍♀️. And if it is because he wants an excuse for them to not be able to stay then sod that - don’t do it (although I can see you won’t)

WellLarDeDar · 27/09/2021 16:15

Sounds a bit like he wants you to move in together but doesnt want your life to move in as well. You're pretty much just proposing that the third bedroom is a guest bedroom... that's pretty normal imo. And convenient in your case when your kids visit. If he wants it his way then you should pay less of the bills seeing as you'll only be there 1/4 of the time and you're not allowed a guest bedroom.

myheartskippedabeat · 27/09/2021 16:21

@lou4901

I'll only be there 1 week in 4 because the rest of the time I'll be in my own house with my DC, 4 hours away. I don't want to move away permanently yet whilst they are still living at home.

I think his idea was we could have it either as a 2nd office, or home gym, or whatever.

If you are only there 1 week in 4 it's his place that you'd be visiting don't put into this and if he's being awkward about the spare room this is already a big red flag 🚩 thank god you've realised this before you've done this or parted with any money Don't do it
rwalker · 27/09/2021 16:22

I get where he's coming from about have a room set up for them an they come a handful of times.
The hotel idea is way off theres wall beds ,sofa bed and folding beds higher sleeper with desk underneath quite easy to make a room multi purpose for occasional guest .

Please don't go for blow up beds .

HollowTalk · 27/09/2021 16:30

So he's living in a tiny flat in a cheap part of the country. You are going to pay an additional £500 or so per month to stay with him every now and then. He'll be living in a much nicer house, on his own for 3 weeks a month and he doesn't want you to be able to bring your children to stay?

It's like a cocklodger situation where the cock and the lodger don't live together but the cock financially benefits from the lodger and makes unreasonable demands.

TweetyPieBird · 27/09/2021 16:35
  1. Why do you need to pay for the new house when you’re technically just a guest?
  1. I would not say that this is a committed relationship. You’ve been together for 8 years and still haven’t moved in together.
  1. He just wants your money.
TractorAndHeadphones · 27/09/2021 16:39

You have bigger issues than just renting the house IMO.
First off - you're not exactly 'moving in' with him, you're paying for a bigger house so that you and your children can visit.
He's not in a position to complain as you're bankrolling him.
However putting such emphasis on sleeping spaces for people who are only going to come a 'handful' of times is odd. The way you put it looks like you expect a fair number of your '1 in 4' weeks a month to involve your entirely family, while he envisioned spending most of it alone with you.
Furthermore your DC are adults but seem to be taking a while to leave the nest. In the back of his mind he may be wondering if he's going to be expected to take responsibility for them. This is understandable as they are adults and should be making their own way. You shouldn't be prioritising them, any disabilities etc excepted.

There are bigger issues of core values here.

whynotwhatknot · 27/09/2021 16:41

Do your dc pay rent/board are they working ?

You say theyre not ready for you to leave but you will be leaving one day when is someone ready for that

if your possibly leaving for half of the time they'll get used to it anyway

Original poster
lou4901 · 27/09/2021 16:41

@TweetyPieBird

1. Why do you need to pay for the new house when you’re technically just a guest?
  1. I would not say that this is a committed relationship. You’ve been together for 8 years and still haven’t moved in together.
  1. He just wants your money.
  • Because he doesn't need a bigger house, so I'm paying a sum roughly equal to the extra costs
    1. We've not moved in together because I did not want to permanently move my children from the home they've grown up in, and he is unable to live in this area. Not really sure how else we could have resolved this?!
    1. If he did, I'm sure he'd insist on a joint tenancy. He's insisting on the opposite.
    OP posts:
    Porcupineintherough · 27/09/2021 16:48

    Seems to me that the OP has thought this through carefully do rather than tell her she is a gullible idiot whose about to be ripped off by an utter bastard, maybe we should turn our minds to the question of the 3rd bedroom?

    OP does your dp have a specific plan for the 3rd bedroom? Perhaps something more neutral - like sofa beds- might be the answer if he just doesn't want it to look like an unused bedroom for 90% of the time? A spare room rather than a room specifically for your kids.

    MissSmiley · 27/09/2021 16:56

    @lou4901 have you actually asked your kids if they want to come and stay? I have older teens and their social lives no not involve spending time with me and a boyfriend, I'd bet if you did this they would always be too busy and never actually use the spare room

    BoredZelda · 27/09/2021 17:01

    Hang onto your independence (and your money) and put your children first.

    How is this impacting on OP’s independence. If anything it is her partner who is more at risk as if they split, she can just walk away and stop paying. He’d be without a home.

    BoredZelda · 27/09/2021 17:03

    Seems to me that the OP has thought this through carefully do rather than tell her she is a gullible idiot whose about to be ripped off by an utter bastard, maybe we should turn our minds to the question of the 3rd bedroom?

    Exactly. My answer is, if she is paying for the extra room, she has a say in what it is used for. The only thing I’d caution on is to try and get to the bottom of why he doesn’t want the kids to stay. After all, it’s not too difficult to have a room that doubles up as a guest room if required that can still be used for other things when not being used by guests.