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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to use 3rd bedroom for DC?

219 replies

lou4901 · 27/09/2021 13:20

Partner and I don't live together currently, but we're looking at renting a house jointly soon in the town where he lives (4 hours from me). I say jointly, but I'll only be there about 1 week in 4, he'll live there the rest of the time. I'm going to pay towards it.

My children are over 18 but still live at home. They've never been to his town but are keen to visit. He currently lives in a small place where there is no room for them to stay.

My intention - which my DC are keen on - is that when we rent a place with 3 bedrooms, 1 will be mine and DP's room, one an office (both DP and I wfh) and the 3rd room could be for DC when they stay. I was thinking of getting 2 single beds (I think asking them to share a double bed is a bit much!) - one has a bf, so I thought on any visit if he came they would share a room and other DC would sleep on sofabed in living room.

Except when I spoke to DP he was a bit off about it all and said why would we be having a room empty 90% of the time, he thought it would be better for DC to just stay in a hotel if and when they visit, and that as most houses we've looked at the 2 smaller bedrooms are at most 8 x 10 and some as little as 8 x 6, so it would be a struggle to get 2 beds in, let alone have the room for any other purpose.

I don't want to fall out about it before we've moved in but also I don't want them in a hotel...aibu?

OP posts:

Surpriseat42 · 27/09/2021 13:35

Could you consider furniture that doesn’t look bedroom-y? If he wants an office is it big enough to manage a folding desk and a sofa bed and you could bring an extra camp bed with you on visits if he can’t store one?

Original poster

lou4901 · 27/09/2021 13:36

I really don't want my children to have to stay in a hotel! It just feels quite cold and a bit mean. Especially not when I can afford the rental cost.

There is nowhere for me to work in his current place which is very small, not for my clothes or personal items. I do currently stay for weekends but it's difficult to stay for longer as theres not even anywhere to unpack my bags.

The endgame is to buy a house together in his area in a few years but we don't want to go from never living together at all straight to that. This is a halfway step. If we can work it out.

OP posts:

RandomLondoner · 27/09/2021 13:37

If you have a home where your adult DC live with you, and you are there 75% of the time, why do they need to stay with you the other 25% of the time? Surely they can go a week at a time without seeing you?

Original poster

lou4901 · 27/09/2021 13:39

@Surpriseat42

I could work off a tiny desk and laptop if needs be, and actually when DC are staying it would be a weekend so I could put away my work stuff anyway.

Possibly 2 sofa beds in the answer, one in the 3rd bedroom and one in the lounge.

OP posts:

Blahdyblahbla · 27/09/2021 13:39

You've posted about this before. The guy sounds like a fucking eejit, why not just visit him at his place and keep your finances separate?

HollowTalk · 27/09/2021 13:40

Why don't you rent office space near to his home for one week a month and just stay with him?

I have to say I don't like the sound of this man, OP. A man who won't have his partner's children to stay occasionally isn't worth having. Be very very careful.

mewkins · 27/09/2021 13:41

I agree...he doesn't actually need a bigger place just for your grown up children to visit. If he has a two bed flat, surely your kids could manage a couple of nights in the living room? It seems like a lot of trouble and expense for an occasional weekend which may or may not happen. Whose idea is this?

RandomLondoner · 27/09/2021 13:42

No way would I move in with a bloke who was clearly clearly indicating he didn't want my children to have a place in the home

Did you miss that the "children" are old enough to move into (and pay for) homes of their own?

ChargingBuck · 27/09/2021 13:42

@lou4901

I'll only be there 1 week in 4 because the rest of the time I'll be in my own house with my DC, 4 hours away. I don't want to move away permanently yet whilst they are still living at home.

I think his idea was we could have it either as a 2nd office, or home gym, or whatever.

Then WHY are you using language like "rent together" & "share"?

& WHY is he expecting you to pay part of his rent, on a house 4 hours from your own, when actually you are only an occasional visitor?

& WHY is it down to you to do all the travelling?

Is he going to be paying part of your housing costs?
Nope. So why are you going to pay part of his?

This arrangement is bad news. You'd be daft to accept it.
He wants you running around after him, paying part of his rent, but you are not "allowed" to have your DC visit with you.

It's utter bollocks, he's taking you for a ride.
Keep your own house, pay not one penny toward his, go & stay with him (without being expected to pay his rent for the privilege!) like partners usually do, & expect that he will also pull his finger out & drive the 4 hours to come & stay with you in return.

Neither of you charge each other any money.
Your adult DC can stay behind in their own home when you go to visit your greedy DP.
Forget this insane idea.
I can't believe you are seriously considering paying toward a grown man's rent, driving 4 hours to see him, & also putting your DC up in a hotel because your DP is a selfish twat.

ketchupman · 27/09/2021 13:42

I think YABU. He currently lives in a two bed and you're insisting on a spare bedroom he doesn't need in effectively your second home. Do you own your home? Even if you don't, renting a share of a second one seems madness.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 27/09/2021 13:42

@RandomLondoner

No way would I move in with a bloke who was clearly clearly indicating he didn't want my children to have a place in the home

Did you miss that the "children" are old enough to move into (and pay for) homes of their own?

No.

littleloopylou · 27/09/2021 13:43

Sorry, OP, this would be a no from me. You need space for your children to stay. They are a part of your life.

ChargingBuck · 27/09/2021 13:43

@lou4901

He lives in a 2 bed flat currently. I'll be paying the additional rental cost, plus a bit extra to cover council tax and bills which will be higher.

My DC won't come every time I visit, maybe one weekend every couple of months? (and any boyfriends less often than that). DC have their own cars so aren't relying on me to drive them.

I see.

And what proportion of your housing & council tax costs will he paying for the privilege of staying in your home?

The is NO benefit to you here OP.
Why are you still considering this?

8dpwoah · 27/09/2021 13:44

I can't make head nor tail of this OP, sorry.

You live with your adult kids and go to him one week in four so you don't need to factor them in, they have somewhere to live.

You will only be in that house one week in four so therefore you don't need to be a formal tenant, I would be doing the food shopping while I was thee and maybe chipping a bit towards utilities but that's it.

You partner has a house at the moment that has a spare room but you don't have anywhere to out your stuff- why has he made that so difficult for you to do? Equally for one week in four you can't really be needing to take that much stuff?Therefore I think what you need is a conversation about better storage/setup in the current place. OR if your partner wants another spare space for a gym or whatever that's fine but that's his decision to move into something bigger with him as the tenant.

I think he wants a nicer place and wants you to fund it, when it sounds like what you're doing now would continue to work just fine if only he would give you a bit of space in where he is.

Original poster

lou4901 · 27/09/2021 13:44

@RandomLondoner

Yes of course they can.

Possibly I wasnt clear enough in my OP.

They absolutely wouldn't be coming for the week, or every visit. I also over time might end up being there more than just 1 week in 4, it could be more like 1/3 or even half the time.

However as it stands he's lived there for most of our relationship and they've never visited. As it's an area I'd like to end up living in (because it's a very beautiful, rural part of the country) I want them to come and see it, and get to know it rather than in 3 or 4 years I just up sticks and move to a place they've never even been to.

A bigger house lets me stay there more often, gives us the opportunity of kind of living together, or at least closer to that, and means that hopefully one weekend every other month or maybe more my DC can visit.

OP posts:

8dpwoah · 27/09/2021 13:46

Obviously if you DID but together your kids would need a space to stay (generic spare room at least) as they wouldn't have the base at your own house any more, is he likely to be prepared to do that when it's a mortgage rather than a rental?

ChargingBuck · 27/09/2021 13:46

The endgame is to buy a house together in his area in a few years but we don't want to go from never living together at all straight to that.

Why his area?
What's so great about Mr All My Own Way that you'd want to be so far from your DC, friends & presumably family?

RandomLondoner · 27/09/2021 13:46

A man who won't have his partner's children to stay occasionally isn't worth having.

He hasn't said that at all. He's against allocating a room for them.

I would call maybe one weekend every two months an occaisional visit, and that doesn't warrant paying for a dedicated bedroom. A dedicated bedroom is for someone who is going to be there regularly, e.g. every other weekend, or more.

Iggly · 27/09/2021 13:47

It seems a very bizarre set up and you’ll be subsiding him having a bigger home which doesn’t suit both your needs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2021 13:48

You should both stay as you are. Insisting he moves is a crazy idea. Save the cash to put your dcs up in a hotel when they visit. I wouldn’t put myself on the rental agreement for one week a month when he stays with you one week a month. You’ll be fully liable for the full amount if he defaults.

Original poster

lou4901 · 27/09/2021 13:48

I hate where I live. The area has been going downhill for years and it's getting worse.

I am lucky in that I can afford to pay towards the cost of this house with him without it affecting me financially.

I won't be on the tenancy, so all the financial risk is his.

OP posts:

TurnUpTurnip · 27/09/2021 13:49

This is so odd, why do your adult children need to or want to visit you when they see you 3 weeks out of 4 😬

ApplesAreTheBaneOfMyLife · 27/09/2021 13:50

Don’t do this!

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 27/09/2021 13:51

I don't think the set up is a very good one for the reasons previous posters have mentioned, but if you are determined could you look into wall mounted folding beds?

arthauss.co.uk/products/cp-03-vertical-wall-bed-concept-90cm-in-white-matt?variant=32751629959245&currency=GBP&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=google+shopping&gclid=Cj0KCQjw18WKBhCUARIsAFiW7JybJmtuquLsirrs2ctRjPF4hVF9AJv0N3KbBkfVoI1NRUlffQ6D1EIaAojPEALw_wcB

Original poster

lou4901 · 27/09/2021 13:51

@ChargingBuck

The endgame is to buy a house together in his area in a few years but we don't want to go from never living together at all straight to that.

Why his area?
What's so great about Mr All My Own Way that you'd want to be so far from your DC, friends & presumably family?

As said, I hate it here. I'd always planned to move once my DC were older.

I have no family other than my DC, and no friends locally, so moving won't be a great loss. I've only stayed here this long because my DC have never lived anywhere else and love their home.

OP posts:

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