To want to use 3rd bedroom for DC?

[lou4901]

Partner and I don't live together currently, but we're looking at renting a house jointly soon in the town where he lives (4 hours from me). I say jointly, but I'll only be there about 1 week in 4, he'll live there the rest of the time. I'm going to pay towards it.

My children are over 18 but still live at home. They've never been to his town but are keen to visit. He currently lives in a small place where there is no room for them to stay.

My intention - which my DC are keen on - is that when we rent a place with 3 bedrooms, 1 will be mine and DP's room, one an office (both DP and I wfh) and the 3rd room could be for DC when they stay. I was thinking of getting 2 single beds (I think asking them to share a double bed is a bit much!) - one has a bf, so I thought on any visit if he came they would share a room and other DC would sleep on sofabed in living room.

Except when I spoke to DP he was a bit off about it all and said why would we be having a room empty 90% of the time, he thought it would be better for DC to just stay in a hotel if and when they visit, and that as most houses we've looked at the 2 smaller bedrooms are at most 8 x 10 and some as little as 8 x 6, so it would be a struggle to get 2 beds in, let alone have the room for any other purpose.

I don't want to fall out about it before we've moved in but also I don't want them in a hotel...aibu?

@lou4901

Those of you who think this is all mad or crazy, I wonder what else you would do?

I have a house here that I can't sell from under my DC. My partner can't come here and live in it as he has commitments elsewhere.
There is no room for me to stay in his tiny flat, no space for a chest of drawers for me to put my clothes in, or a desk for me to work. I live in a big house and find his flat just too small for 2 people. There certainly isn't room for my DC to ever come there which is why they haven't been.
DP is happy to move to a larger place if I cover the extra costs, which I am. This enables us to spend more time together, my children to visit and I'll also have space for clothes and personal items.
If I rented office space up there, it would cost the same as I'm going to pay, I still wouldn't have any space for my things and I'd have to pay for a hotel for my DC when they visited.

I don't know when I will move permanently, it could be as little as 3 years, it could be more. I don't want to keep waiting, in limbo.

How old are the adult DC and what position are they in work or study wise? There is every chance that they won't want to move out for years because as you say previously it's virtually impossible from a financial perspective. How big is your house? Whilst it has been the family home could it now be used somewhat differently with DC taking over responsibility and renting out however many bedrooms there are which they are not using? You could move away to a rental property with DP and properly try out living together. It really depends if the DC very much still live at home with mum or if they reside in the same space because it's convenient. They would get to stay where they want to be, you could move on with your life in a proper try before you buy set-up and financially even one housemate should make it all financially viable given you have £500 available currently to subsidise what is effectively a bigger property for your DP to live in.

@TheTeenageYears they are 20 and 21. I don't think that they would cope well with the additional responsibility of renting out rooms, there would be 2-3 spare rooms that could be rented, however one DC is quite introverted and anxious, and would find having people they didn't know sharing their space very difficult. It might work in a couple of years time maybe, but certainly not right now.

I don’t know why people are so offended by your plan OP when it’s obviously well thought through and works for you.

@lou4901

They don't have career ambitions really as yet, one is working/.studying in IT, the other doing admin (they're local/ WFH roles) but still figuring out what they want to do.

It might be the norm in other parts of the country but where we are, none of my DCs friends have left home yet, even the ones who went to uni moved back once they finished. Some of the friends older siblings are now leaving home, but they're all late 20s or older, mainly because it's just too expensive to leave home sooner.

I think your replies are preempting people saying they're too old to live with you and need to move out. I don't think very many people are saying that at all. Hardly anyone is suggesting you sell your current house, they're just saying at the age they are, they won't be likely to miss/need you for the one week out of four you aren't there, and as much as they say they're keen to visit, four hours is a really long journey they probably don't have that much experience in making, and they will probably quite quickly realise it isn't worth it and just stay in your current house while you are away. In fact, having a week apart will probably be the most appealing option for everyone involved in terms of personal space and independence.

And in terms of when you make the change permanent, well, by then they will be in their mid twenties by the sound of things, and again, nobody is saying all kids have moved out by that age or that it's not normal for them not to have done. But it is a perfectly normal age to move out and being faced with the decision to either move four hours away to live with their mother, or stay where they are and find their own place, will naturally fast track that decision. It's not something you need to feel worried or guilty about, it actually all fits together quite nicely as a perfectly conventional time to move on to the next stage in their lives. And they will always have options - living with boyfriend's, house shares in the city, or do what I did and move away from the expensive area to somewhere they can afford. All normal stuff, and they will be fine.

Si if he stays the equivalent of 1 week a month at your home and you plan to stay the equivalent of one week a month with him, why does anybody need to fund any house? You retain yours here, he retains his there. Go stay once a week and he comes to stay two weekends a month.

Why fund him having a bigger home when you are still paying for this one, and don't even get the benefit if it?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I can't work from his house, plus there's no real room for any of my belongings, I'm living out of a suitcase each time which at my age I really can't be doing with. There's no room for my children to stay even if they slept on airbeds or something, it's just too small. He can't afford somewhere bigger without my contribution.

You have thought this out.
You can afford to pay towards more rooms.
Forget everyone here, your not tied into his tenancy, so go for it.
I'd do the 3 rooms. Your own office would mean you have use from your share of the rent. You may find you do weekends at his more.

@lou4901 I'm not going to sell the house from under my DC (20 and 21 for those that asked). I also can't move permanently away from them. Firstly I think they still need me.

Don’t pay for a bigger house for him then! Just keep your house and then go to his small flat for a bit of fun at the weekend and then return home again. No shame in that. The only person benefiting from this is your bf because he can’t afford a bigger place without you (despite him living there full time).

[quote TweetyPieBird]**@lou4901* I'm not going to sell the house from under my DC (20 and 21 for those that asked). I also can't move permanently away from them. Firstly I think they still need me.*

Don’t pay for a bigger house for him then! Just keep your house and then go to his small flat for a bit of fun at the weekend and then return home again. No shame in that. The only person benefiting from this is your bf because he can’t afford a bigger place without you (despite him living there full time).[/quote]
The OP is also benefitting from it as she gets to be more comfortable when she’s staying with him, has somewhere to keep her things and also can stay for longer periods if she’s able to work from the new house.
It’s her money and her decision… I’m guessing she wouldn’t do it if she didn’t think there was a benefit in it for her.

As you’ve got 2 houses I don’t understand why you want the 3rd bedroom of your DP’s home reserved for your adult DC? As your DC already have their own rooms in your house and you’ll be spending most time there?

He might want an office of his own or a library or a proper guestroom (not bunk beds and lots of your kids stuff left there?)

It's a very small flat, there isn't space for 2 people to WFH. The kitchen/ lounge is one room, the main bedroom is big enough for bed and wardrobe, he works from the 2nd room. As I deal with confidential information I'm required by my employers to work in a separate room, with a closed door etc.

But you'll be sharing one office with him?

I think the 2 red flags for me are that he's not actually doing anything to facilitate you the two of you being together. He doesn't want to pay towards a bigger property so you are. He then gets a bigger property out of it but if you weren't paying the extra he'd stay where he is quite happily, that would worry me.

Also, and more importantly, him wanting your young adult children to stay in a hotel instead of the house when they still live at home is unsettling, it shows a lack of empathy and a dismissiveness I wouldn't like. Wherever I live my children will be welcome and have beds.

I know you've thought things through, but the above is worth thinking about a bit more. You're making all the sacrifices to ensure you can be together, him...not so much.

Why don't you and the dc try a few weekends there over the next few months. I'm guessing it is a northern town or city he lives in? See how the like it, see how comfortable they feel being in someone else's space and then discuss with them? They may think it is a massive faff to travel that far or they may love it and think it is somewhere they would love to end up eventually. It kind of sounds like you are bending over backwards to retain the status quo when actually your kids could very quickly become quite independent in the next few months.

@TheGrumpyGoat

I don’t know why people are so offended by your plan OP when it’s obviously well thought through and works for you.

Nobody's being offended - but seeing it from the DP's perspective: He's been with the OP for years, visit her for 2 weekends (and pays for food costs). He is now getting a bigger house mainly for the OP's benefit. She said it herself, he doesn't need a bigger house. Yes, she is paying the rent but as it's his name on the tenancy alone the financial risk is 100% his. OP could break up with him tomorrow and he'd be stuck. He insisted on his own tenancy so the opposite of a cocklodger surely ? They don't get to see each other often, but the OP wants a room set aside for her DC to visit which implies that they will be around often. However in that case when are they going to get some alone time? Furthermore OP is infantilising her DC with all this talk of 'my children still need me' etc etc.

He doesn't actually want your kids to stay in a hotel - the underlying message is that you need to cut the apron strings at some point. It's been years. Many adult DC live with their parents, but as adults under the same roof. Being independent, contributing to rent, managing the house etc. You're still treating your adult children as dependents. He's probably wondering whether you will ever prioritise him, and at whether he will expect to take them into account when making decisions with you although they're not minors anymore.

If your DP was a woman I'd strongly advise against doing this. He's getting a raw deal to be frank.

*was a woman many posters would advise against

If you need a level of confidentiality for wfh then your going to need 3 bedrooms - so you can use 2 as offices.

There's no room for my children to stay even if they slept on airbeds or something

But if you only stay there one week a month, why would your adult children come too?

one an office (both DP and I wfh)

From your opening post.

Can you and he share an office or not?

I would just get some of those fold out foam 'chair beds' and have what you and your partner need in that room.
It's your money, and you can afford it, it just seems to others like an unusual arrangement and a profligate use of £500 a month which presumably could be saved towards retirement or help your dc get launched. It also leaves him in a rental he can't afford if you split up but I guess he's accepted that risk. However, people spend their money on much much worse things so no need for me to give you a hard time about it, each to their own.

I should have explained it better - the 2nd bedroom would be DP's office. I could use that if he wasn't working for example, or if he was doing some work that could be done on the phone etc, but the majority of the time he'd need to be in there. But that room would always be an office just like his second bedroom is now.

The 3rd bedroom would need to be an office for me when I was there, but when DC visited it would be a room for them to stay in - as I wouldn't be using it to work in during those times (as they'd only be here at a weekend and I only work weekdays). If ever the DC did come - or indeed any other guests - I could possibly move my desk and laptop to the living room to work, the only downside of that would be no one could access that room while I was working. But I'm sure if that situation arose there'd be a way round it.

I was struggling at first to think how could I fit anything in a little box room. but I think there's been some good suggestions around that which would work. I was starting from a point of thinking of my own office set up at home and my own spare room but of course I don't need to replicate that, I just need enough room for a bed (even a sofa bed) and a small desk - which could always be moved out into another room when DC or other guests stayed.

I suppose looking at it from DP's POV he's thinking I will only be there 1-2 weeks a month, and DC might visit once every 6 weeks...so over 2 months say, the room is being used for less than half the time in total. So he's trying to think of how not to leave the room unused ,and whether we need to put beds etc in it....but I think only using a room part of the time isn't the end of the world, lots of people have guest rooms they only use a few weeks of the year. And he would still have more room in the rest of the house (not including that room) than he does now. So overall we both gain, I think.

My children staying in a hotel isn't negotiable though, I'd want them to stay at the house and I know that's their preference too.

I've just gone and re-read your original question and information.
The most important point that stands out is that your partner DOES NOT want your children staying at his house when you visit him. He wants them to go to a hotel.
Before he moves house, you organise money or anything else this is the matter you have to discuss with him.

@lou4901

I should have explained it better - the 2nd bedroom would be DP's office. I could use that if he wasn't working for example, or if he was doing some work that could be done on the phone etc, but the majority of the time he'd need to be in there. But that room would always be an office just like his second bedroom is now.

The 3rd bedroom would need to be an office for me when I was there, but when DC visited it would be a room for them to stay in - as I wouldn't be using it to work in during those times (as they'd only be here at a weekend and I only work weekdays). If ever the DC did come - or indeed any other guests - I could possibly move my desk and laptop to the living room to work, the only downside of that would be no one could access that room while I was working. But I'm sure if that situation arose there'd be a way round it.

I was struggling at first to think how could I fit anything in a little box room. but I think there's been some good suggestions around that which would work. I was starting from a point of thinking of my own office set up at home and my own spare room but of course I don't need to replicate that, I just need enough room for a bed (even a sofa bed) and a small desk - which could always be moved out into another room when DC or other guests stayed.

I suppose looking at it from DP's POV he's thinking I will only be there 1-2 weeks a month, and DC might visit once every 6 weeks...so over 2 months say, the room is being used for less than half the time in total. So he's trying to think of how not to leave the room unused ,and whether we need to put beds etc in it....but I think only using a room part of the time isn't the end of the world, lots of people have guest rooms they only use a few weeks of the year. And he would still have more room in the rest of the house (not including that room) than he does now. So overall we both gain, I think.

My children staying in a hotel isn't negotiable though, I'd want them to stay at the house and I know that's their preference too.

Why haven't you asked him what's on his mind rather than all of us trying to guess? Is it really about not using the room - or about your commitment to your children?

OK, so how about your partner staying with you for 1 week per month? (still same amount as the other way) He doesnt have to live permanently in a place he doesnt like, you have more room, he is only away from his family (kids?) for one week a month, so doable) You still both have a practise at living together in the same way.

Im also struggling with the fact that you have been seeing your partner for 8 years (from when your kids were 12 and 13) yet your children have never been up there to visit (as in a rented cottage in the holidays or similar). That seems a little strange. Well done to you though for keeping a relationship going with a four hour distance apart.

He can't really work from my house, so although he does visit for a couple of (long) weekends a month, it's difficult to come for much longer periods.

He's not always lived there, and for the first couple of years when he started living there I also didn't have a car (my DC are not great fans of long train journeys) plus often when I'd visit DP by train around that time it would be on my DC's contact weekends with their father - who they no longer see. I did then get a car, they also learnt to drive, then Covid happened and that put everything on hold really for a lot of the last 18 months, which takes us to where we are now.