Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to use 3rd bedroom for DC?

219 replies

lou4901 · 27/09/2021 13:20

Partner and I don't live together currently, but we're looking at renting a house jointly soon in the town where he lives (4 hours from me). I say jointly, but I'll only be there about 1 week in 4, he'll live there the rest of the time. I'm going to pay towards it.

My children are over 18 but still live at home. They've never been to his town but are keen to visit. He currently lives in a small place where there is no room for them to stay.

My intention - which my DC are keen on - is that when we rent a place with 3 bedrooms, 1 will be mine and DP's room, one an office (both DP and I wfh) and the 3rd room could be for DC when they stay. I was thinking of getting 2 single beds (I think asking them to share a double bed is a bit much!) - one has a bf, so I thought on any visit if he came they would share a room and other DC would sleep on sofabed in living room.

Except when I spoke to DP he was a bit off about it all and said why would we be having a room empty 90% of the time, he thought it would be better for DC to just stay in a hotel if and when they visit, and that as most houses we've looked at the 2 smaller bedrooms are at most 8 x 10 and some as little as 8 x 6, so it would be a struggle to get 2 beds in, let alone have the room for any other purpose.

I don't want to fall out about it before we've moved in but also I don't want them in a hotel...aibu?

OP posts:
Elieza · 27/09/2021 13:55

I can see two sides of this dilemma.

He wants you but perhaps isn’t that keen on dc. It’s difficult to judge tbh. I’m open minded about that until more evidence of one or t’other shows up.

He doesn’t want to spend money on some room that’s not used much. Understandable. (Although it would appear to be YOUR money that YOU are prepared to spend so not sure I get that HE is the one worrying). However he is presumably happy for dc to feel excluded and stay in a hotel. Thats not understandable as it’s not bringing the two households together. Which is the whole point of this exercise! So does he realise that’s how it would feel to them? Plus it’s expensive to rent hotel rooms so they wouldn’t be around much as unaffordable. Is that part of his game plan? Who knows.

Meanwhile you seem to be doing all the running around. Not sure that’s ideal either but I get you like the area. Will you make friends there? Are there places to meet others and get out and about so you’re not in each other’s pockets?

Re the study. Presumably you’d have a large kitchen or dining room or something so you have space each to do your wfh work at the same time?

FourTeaFallOut · 27/09/2021 13:58

Do you make him cough up for living costs when he stays at your house? Of course not.

If you are paying towards his rent to acquire a third bedroom so that your dc can visit then he should take it on the chin.

If you have no say in what happens in this house that you are paying towards then maybe you should start charging him too?

Chloemol · 27/09/2021 13:58

I wouldn’t be renting anything with him until I was ready to move in full time

I certainly wouldn’t be paying to rent something I was only going to live in one week a month

Stay where you are until the kids are ready to go

His hotel comments is shouting red flag about how he feels about your kids

ChargingBuck · 27/09/2021 13:59

I am lucky in that I can afford to pay towards the cost of this house with him without it affecting me financially.

No, OP - he is lucky that he's found someone to subsidise a larger house for him.
While he does not return the favour.

I think you said he says at yours a couple of weekends a month?
So why isn't he paying toward your rent/mortgage & council tax?
How are you not seeing what a one-way street this is?

& why is he not clearing out his current second bedroom, to ensure you have desk space to work in? Does that not feel very unwelcoming? Is it because he's manipulating you to subsidise a larger property for him?

At root - he doesn't need to move.
You can still stay with him, you just need to get him to commit to the office space logistics, plenty of other couples with 2 bed houses manage.
Then you can stay with him whenever you like, the DC can sleep in a Travelodge if he doesn't like them enough to let them sleep in the living room every few weeks, & you will have no need to subsidise his living costs.

Just because you can afford it, doesn't mean you should.
That extra cash could be saved toward your own life, or set aside for big life events for your DC.

The set up he is proposing is so uneven I wonder what sort of a number he's done on you. Ask yourself again - what does he contribute to your housing & council tax costs?

aSofaNearYou · 27/09/2021 14:00

At a glance it looks like he's being unreasonable but actually realistically I just cannot see them going to that house in any way regularly enough for them to need a dedicated bedroom. They are already over 18 and you are talking about gradually increasing the time you spend there to be full time, surely by that time they will be looking to live independently? In the meantime, living with you for a quarter or two thirds of the time, I can't see why they would drive four hours to come to stay there regularly. It would be more likely to be a one off.

I don't think they need their own room. I think you need some kind of space for guests, which would naturally be available for them to sleep in, so why don't you approach it from the angle of the third bedroom being a guest room?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/09/2021 14:00

This all sounds nuts.

Sounds like this will work for nobody. You will be basically paying for his accommodation most of the time, while still keeping up your own place, which is unfair on you. He’s getting an adult house share part time which he clearly doesn’t want.

Best you carry on as your are - with you visiting him in HIS place when you want to - perhaps you could get a desk to work at his house from time to time and just pay for any added cost of you being there. Then move in together properly, in a house that suits you both, when you’re actually ready and don’t need so much space for dc.

00100001 · 27/09/2021 14:00

So weird ...

Why would your adult children come and visit you in the house, if you are with them 3 weeks out of 4?

Why do you want to allocate them a room specifically, and not just have a guest room that they (and others) can stay in.

Why not just let him move 4 hours away if he so wishes and you take it it turns to visit of a weekend?

StrongArm · 27/09/2021 14:00

it seems insane that you would want to spend money on a bigger place for him just for this

just stay in his place that he owns currently and see your adult kids at home!

you'll not need to do anything with bills or rental agreements then and everyone remains financially happy

I am a step parent to adult step kids (and step kids under 18). When we moved, we took into account the under 18s for the bedrooms alongside my kids but not the adult step kids. When the adult stepkids come and visit, they stay in one of the under 18 step kids bedrooms or in my adult kids rooms or wherever. They certainly don't feel put out or upset - they have a 'home' elsewhere and they are made extremely welcome here but it would be v unwise economically for us to have had to get a house 2 bedrooms bigger because of that!

I agree if you ever buy together, you would want to factor your kids in but it seems like financial madness to do so when it's just his place if I'm honest

BoredZelda · 27/09/2021 14:01

He currently lives in a two bed and you're insisting on a spare bedroom he doesn't need in effectively your second home

The second home she will be paying towards.

Shiloh139 · 27/09/2021 14:01

@lou4901

He lives in a 2 bed flat currently. I'll be paying the additional rental cost, plus a bit extra to cover council tax and bills which will be higher.

My DC won't come every time I visit, maybe one weekend every couple of months? (and any boyfriends less often than that). DC have their own cars so aren't relying on me to drive them.

I agree with your DP in that it doesn't make sense to keep a spare bedroom empty for your adult children when you're essentially saying above that they'll visit perhaps 12 days out of 365. That in itself would be enough for me but add to that the point he's made about the size of the 3rd bedroom - which means you would struggle to fit in 2 beds/a double bed - then no, the 3rd bedroom shouldn't be reserved for your DC who may or may not visit. For a family visitor coming 12 days a year, 2-3 days at a time - a sofa bed in the living room will do.

If your DC were younger then I'd definitely agree with you, that would be a no-brainer.

TatianaBis · 27/09/2021 14:02

I would just do 1 week in 4 at his, until you know whether you can live together or not, and then just buy a big enough house together.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 27/09/2021 14:04

OP, it seems a waste to have to find a place with one more bedroom just for the odd time your DC will visit. If it was your main residence yes but you’ll only be there one week every month…

00100001 · 27/09/2021 14:05

@lou4901

He does come here, normally for 2 long weekends a month (which I guess works out to about a week a month too).
So, presumably he's paying rent on your place then?
Original poster
lou4901 · 27/09/2021 14:05

I don't have a mortgage. He contributes to food costs while he's here.

His current place is very small, it's bad enough with just 2 of us there. There's not enough room in the living room to open out a sofa bed, or put an airbed down, nor indeed for a desk for me. The 2nd bedroom in his house is about 6 foot square, it has his office set up, some other work equipment and built in cupboards there's no room for anything else.

OP posts:
ChristmasPlannier · 27/09/2021 14:06

OP there are so many red flags in his attitude and priorities

Original poster
lou4901 · 27/09/2021 14:08

I was thinking of the 3rd bedroom as a guest bedroom really, albeit the only guests we're likely to have would be my DC.

OP posts:
TheGrumpyGoat · 27/09/2021 14:09

@lou4901

I was thinking of the 3rd bedroom as a guest bedroom really, albeit the only guests we're likely to have would be my DC.
He has a point that 3rd bedrooms are often extremely small and might not fit 2 beds.
Kite22 · 27/09/2021 14:10

I don't know why anyone is having a go at him.
It makes no sense to have a bedroom just sitting there for OP's adult dc who are almost certainly never going to visit anyhow.
OP is at home with them for 3 weeks of the month. They aren't then going to visit her in the one week she isn't there.

Nobody who has adult children could think this is something that is going to happen.

Nor do I understand why you would be paying rent / bills on a property you are a guest in for one week a month, and not expecting him to contribute to your bills when he is with you roughly 6 days a month. It surely balances out?

Original poster
lou4901 · 27/09/2021 14:13

I'm contributing to make up the extra costs of the larger place.

I may well end up being up there for 1-2 weeks per month. I can't do that now.

Honestly I have no issue with paying, it's not a massive sum we're talking about (less than £500 a month) and I'm lucky to be able to afford it, and want to put that money to good use. There's no risk for me, I won't be a tenant so if at any time I changed my mind I wouldn''t be tied to a contract.

OP posts:
endofagain · 27/09/2021 14:14

Red flags OP.
Hang onto your independence (and your money) and put your children first.

Goldbar · 27/09/2021 14:16

Why are you essentially paying towards his housing costs?

If the area you're living in doesn't work for you, then sell your present house and move. Your adult DC can either come with you or rent themselves in your current area if they want to stay there.

You don't need to arrange your life to please either your partner or your adult DC. Sounds like one big compromise from you to keep everyone else happy.

GoodnightGrandma · 27/09/2021 14:16

🚩 don’t do it

HarrisonStickle · 27/09/2021 14:17

As it's an area I'd like to end up living in (because it's a very beautiful, rural part of the country) I want them to come and see it, and get to know it rather than in 3 or 4 years I just up sticks and move to a place they've never even been to.

But your children are already adults and in 3 or 4 years will surely be getting on with their own lives. They don't really need to get to know the place their mother lives.

I can understand where your partner is coming from, although personally I'd want a guest bedroom anyway, but it would be for anyone coming to stay occasionally, not the regular visits of a partner's adult children.

Original poster
lou4901 · 27/09/2021 14:17

This honestly won't affect my independence, quite the opposite. I still have my house for my children.

It will allow me to spend more time in his area, get to know it better in the way that you do by living somewhere not just visiting for a weekend. I'll be able to work from there, and my DC will have somewhere to stay when they come to visit (even if we designate it as guest room and also use it as my office).

OP posts:
Original poster
lou4901 · 27/09/2021 14:20

I can't sell my house yet - because there's nowhere locally I'd move to, and because my DC like where we live - and I'm not ready to move permanently away from them. Plus if I sold my house and moved somewhere else round here I'd pay a load in stamp duty and other costs...and then when I move away in a couple of years have to pay it all again.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread