To want to use 3rd bedroom for DC?

[lou4901]

Partner and I don't live together currently, but we're looking at renting a house jointly soon in the town where he lives (4 hours from me). I say jointly, but I'll only be there about 1 week in 4, he'll live there the rest of the time. I'm going to pay towards it.

My children are over 18 but still live at home. They've never been to his town but are keen to visit. He currently lives in a small place where there is no room for them to stay.

My intention - which my DC are keen on - is that when we rent a place with 3 bedrooms, 1 will be mine and DP's room, one an office (both DP and I wfh) and the 3rd room could be for DC when they stay. I was thinking of getting 2 single beds (I think asking them to share a double bed is a bit much!) - one has a bf, so I thought on any visit if he came they would share a room and other DC would sleep on sofabed in living room.

Except when I spoke to DP he was a bit off about it all and said why would we be having a room empty 90% of the time, he thought it would be better for DC to just stay in a hotel if and when they visit, and that as most houses we've looked at the 2 smaller bedrooms are at most 8 x 10 and some as little as 8 x 6, so it would be a struggle to get 2 beds in, let alone have the room for any other purpose.

I don't want to fall out about it before we've moved in but also I don't want them in a hotel...aibu?

They absolutely wouldn't be coming for the week, or every visit. I also over time might end up being there more than just 1 week in 4, it could be more like 1/3 or even half the time. still not understanding why they would need it even want to visit. They are adults surely they can not see you for half a month at a time if it comes to it.

Well, I think this situation is bizarre, but what it would come down to for me is this:

is this 3rd bedroom costing him anything extra? Because if not, if you're meeting the cost, then why would he object? If, however, it does mean some additional cost for him and/or other compromises (eg smaller bedroom 1 and 2 to accommodate a 3 bedroom in your price range) then I think it's not unreasonable that he says no.

I also think you're living in a dream world if you think your children will visit more than once in a year. So I'd be going for a house with larger rooms generally so that you can put them up if necessary.

@lou4901

This honestly won't affect my independence, quite the opposite. I still have my house for my children.

It will allow me to spend more time in his area, get to know it better in the way that you do by living somewhere not just visiting for a weekend. I'll be able to work from there, and my DC will have somewhere to stay when they come to visit (even if we designate it as guest room and also use it as my office).

Why will your children be visiting at the same time? You mentioned needing two beds, one for each of them. Aren't they more likely on the odd occasion they did visit to come separately? And I do think if one of them has a boyfriend in tow as well that them all coming to visit at the same time is a bit barmy.

@Kite22

I don't know why anyone is having a go at him. It makes no sense to have a bedroom just sitting there for OP's adult dc who are almost certainly never going to visit anyhow. OP is at home with them for 3 weeks of the month. They aren't then going to visit her in the one week she isn't there.

Nobody who has adult children could think this is something that is going to happen.

Nor do I understand why you would be paying rent / bills on a property you are a guest in for one week a month, and not expecting him to contribute to your bills when he is with you roughly 6 days a month. It surely balances out?

I’m with you Kite. The OPs proposal is daft all round. It sounds like she needs to wait until her nest is empty and she can move without the adult children as baggage. The OP seems desperate to move in with him even though the time isn’t right.

In his shoes this would all be a firm no from me. I’d keep my flat and ask the OP to visit at weekends and if she wanted to be there during the week she needs to hire office space.

Honestly it's more likely the DC would come together than separately, whether the bf also came along or not.

If I only saw my partner for one week out of four, the last thing I would want is their adult children tagging along and bringing their boyfriends/girlfriends with them for good measure!

I feel he's trying to set some reasonable boundaries.

Having said that, if you visit him infrequently I don't understand why he's moving to a bigger house and why you're paying towards it.

It seems a bit odd really, especially as you and your partner are at odds about how you both view the impending house set up. I assume that it's a serious relationship that you have, as you are talking about finances etc, but won't be living in the house full time. It's an unusual situation, so hope you can both work something out.

It sounds like its time to start cutting the apron strings to me. You seem to be putting a lot of effort into making sure everyone else is happy when actually your adult children should be thinking about making a life for themselves and striking out on their own. How many years are you going to wait for them to decide to move on?

Thanks but my proposal is not 'daft'.

I have friends with DC at home who are early 30s and not yet moved out. I'm not waiting another 10-15 years carting my belongings up and down the motorway twice a month which is what I'd be doing if the status quo is preserved. I'm far too old for that shit.

I get that people think I'm wasting my money. But really it's my money to waste. And it's £500 at most a month. So I have somewhere to work, DP and I have somewhere pleasant to live and my children can stay.

And really I don't care if people think it's a waste. That's my decision. The question was whether we should use the 3rd room for DC, and I think I'm decided now that we will have it as a guest room (albeit they'll be the only guests) with either a single or sofa bed, plus small desk for me, and another sofa bed in the living room.

I would look at a place with 2 larger bedrooms with a decent size living area that would take a sofa bed,this would be perfect for when the DC came for the odd weekend.Good luck but £500 a month is not a small amount for very little unless you are very well of.

Sounds like a good plan OP.

It's a serious relationship, we've been together nearly 8 years.

I guess you need to decide what are your non negotiables. If you don’t want to live anywhere your children can’t stay, then that’s one, so you have to make it clear to him you’re only moving on that basis so the deals off if he disagrees. That would be a non negotiable for me, until downsizing in my 70s or 80s anyway. The ‘3rd beds being small’ argument is just noise at the moment, you need to look and see whether you can find one that would fit 2 beds.

If he is very opinionated about this I would question how I felt about a man who dictated my money be spent to his specifications. It does sound like for now you should look at renting a co worker space or a weekdays room in his town so you could stay a bit more without having to decide the accomodation issue.

I think you are really over complicating this when really it's a non issue.

Your kids are adults, so they don't need to get to know the area you're eventually moving to as if they will one day be moving there, by the time you make the move permanent, they will naturally be moving onto the next phase of their lives and living wherever they like, especially if one already has a long term partner. You could just get one of those single beds with a second pull out bed underneath, that would be more than adequate for the amount they will likely come to visit and would also serve as a guest room the rest of the time.

It's hard to see quite why it's necessary for you to contribute to the house, it sounds like it's just to get more space generally, it's not an extra bedroom to house your kids (for the above reasons), it's just an upgrade space wise that you both benefit from. If he's not bothered by that then he could just stay where it is now. It sounds pretty equal, you stay at his often and he stays at yours often, so why would one of you need to contribute? But that's obviously a secondary issue. The key point is you don't need to feel like your kids need their own room there. It's just not an accurate idea of the trajectory all of your lives are on.

I don't get why on earth you'd rent a house with him that you're not even going to live in the majority of the time?

Just visit him at his flat until you're in a position to actually move in together properly?

I think you should be able to have a guest bedroom then maybe DP wont feel like your DCs are moving in with him. But I get that you maybe will want them there sometimes ie Christmas.

Why don’t you just wait until you’re ready to move then do it properly? You and your dc already have a house. You don’t need another one. No harm in continuing the current living arrangements if they work for you (I am the same - living apart from my dp with my kids until they move out).

The OP is right, it’s her money and she wants to spend it on having a nicer space to spend her 1 or 2 weeks a month. It’s her decision!

And yes, guest room is the way to go if you really want to waste your money by renting a house you won't even live in.

A bed with a pull out bed under it is a great idea. IKEA do them.

You said earlier you wouldn’t be tied to the house if you split up. As you wouldn’t be a tenant. Perhaps that could be a problem for him as he’d then have to pick up the extra

Actually I've just read he'll be the only one on the tenancy.

In that case I do think YABU to insist he take on the risk of a larger property so your kids can stay occasionally.

What if you just left him and he's got a 3 bed house he doesn't even need?

Nope. He doesn’t want your children to stay with you. That would be a no from me- especially because he thinks they should stay in a hotel. No matter how old my children are they will always always be welcome to stay with me for as long as they like. It would be different if he was suggesting that the room has a primary use with a day bed in there for when they stay but he isn’t - he’s suggesting they don’t stay at all.

Are you trying to get your adult children to fall in love with the place and move to that part of england too?
If you are offering to pay for this extra room than the only thing I can think of is he is used to living by himself and he is not sure about our children plus partners spending time with you all when it sounds like he doesn't see you alone that much.

Two offices with a small sofa or convertible chair that lays flat into a bed in each. You can probably even get a small double click-clack sofa bed into the larger office/bed room so that no one has to sleep in the living room when partners are staying.

There. I solved your problem in about 23 seconds.

@toobusytothink

Why don’t you just wait until you’re ready to move then do it properly? You and your dc already have a house. You don’t need another one. No harm in continuing the current living arrangements if they work for you (I am the same - living apart from my dp with my kids until they move out).

Why wait? Because it could be another decade before my DC move out. We live in London, locally even 1 bed flats are £300k, you can't rent a room in a shared flat for less than £600 a month.

I've lived like this for 8 years. Obviously for a lot of that time I needed to be around more for my DC. But now I want to use some money to make my life more comfortable, get to live part of the month in a lovely area, and also give my DC the opportunity to visit - as maybe they will see the advantages and want to build a life up there too (where house prices are half what they are where we live now) or at least know the area so they can visit when I do eventually make a permanent move.